My Girlfriends parents'/ potentially my future in-laws have personality disorders

[maturityassets]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. We have an amazing relationship and are fully supportive of each other. My girlfriend in particular is an amazing person and everyone of my friends and family loves her. Even people like my brother and sister-inlaw, who I don't get along with, think she is the rarest find you can get.

 

However, her parents have fought our relationship since day one. Both our families are immigrant families from the Balkans. Very conservative cultures, especially when it comes to daughters. My girl friend was at first very submissive to her parents will. She asked if we could date and told them I offer to meet them, while they said that is interesting they said No. When she decided to continue and they found out, They shamed her and called despicable things while threatening her. We didn't see each for three months afterwards but we continued. The second time they found out, she was stronger. We only waited 3 weeks to see each other again. Now the topic has brought up again and my girlfriend is fighting against them.

 

My girlfriend is completely self sufficient. She is a 4.0 student with a complete scholarship to her university. An RA who gets free residence. Her parents though are possessive and controlling. Her mom will panic if my gf doesn't respond to a text or call within a half hour framework. Her Dad demands obedience at all times from his 4 daughters, demanding they not leave the table until he is finished eating. They threatened if we continue to date they will either divorce or move with my gf's younger sisters back to their home country! They live delusional lives. They ask questions if my GF has had foursomes, is bisexual (conservative cultures frown upon LGBTQ rights), if she is already married. They are convinced she wants to replace them with my parents. They have never met me. I'm currently a Grad student who graduated undergrad as a double major, multiple times dean's list recipient, don't encourage drinking or smoking, have a job, believe in the power of psychotherapy and etc.

 

How would you deal with such a situation? Many of my gf's parents friends are actually in support of my GF, and any time someone is vocal in their agreement her parents will cut communication with them. They aren't uneducated people. Her dad is a lawyer and her mom a paralegal. But they are just emotionally manipulative and cowardly individuals. I don't know if I meet them will I be able to hold my tongue if it comes to me being involved. I don't get involved because my GF thinks that if they just accepted to meet me they would gladly accept me. Thank you!

[bathtub-row]

This would be very difficult to deal with. I'm not sure how to advise you but I've heard of parents like this before and they actually ended up murdering their own daughter. These people are beyond nuts. They feel very justified in doing whatever they need to do in order to control their children.

 

It's your call as to what to do. I'm sure your gf is a wonderful person but she's going to need to stand up to her parents at some point. What would happen if the two of you married? If you had kids? Is there any point where her parents would recognize the relationship as permanent?

 

I think you have to ask yourself if you want to put yourself in this kind of jeapordy. Do you want your children to have these kind of people as grandparents? Their attitude and controlling behavior is never going to change. Are you prepared to have this kind of intense negativity in your life for years to come?

[Phoenician]

Op ,

 

you are from same culture and understand that the social constraints are huge .

 

I come from a less conservative place in middle east ; but in my society and around me there is a lot of similar personalities.

 

 

My advise to you is to choose a specific good moment to approach the father ;

your courage and honesty will impress him .

 

don't forget that their sense of social insecurity is hurting them especially that they feel vulnerable socially in the western world .

[Phoenician]

Op ,

 

you are from same culture and understand that the social constraints are huge .

 

I come from a less conservative place in middle east ; but in my society and around me there is a lot of similar personalities.

 

 

My advise to you is to choose a specific good moment to approach the father ;

your courage and honesty will impress him .

 

don't forget that their sense of social insecurity is hurting them especially that they feel vulnerable socially in the western world .

 

i am assuming of course that you are interested in proposing ;

if you fail with the father , approach the mother just to backup your lady ; but be carefull cause this triggers the father anger .

[maturityassets]

This would be very difficult to deal with. I'm not sure how to advise you but I've heard of parents like this before and they actually ended up murdering their own daughter. These people are beyond nuts. They feel very justified in doing whatever they need to do in order to control their children.

 

It's your call as to what to do. I'm sure your gf is a wonderful person but she's going to need to stand up to her parents at some point. What would happen if the two of you married? If you had kids? Is there any point where her parents would recognize the relationship as permanent?

 

I think you have to ask yourself if you want to put yourself in this kind of jeapordy. Do you want your children to have these kind of people as grandparents? Their attitude and controlling behavior is never going to change. Are you prepared to have this kind of intense negativity in your life for years to come?

I'm not quite concerned they will murder my GF. Also, I'm not concerned of My GF's parents judgement either. I came from a similar culture, I had to force my family to accept that I was different and had no desire to follow their traditions. Whether it was because I was male or that my parents were more accepting, they have accepted my lifestyle to be independent and not necessarily hide the fact that I was dating someone from a different nationality. I also went through 4 years of therapy to overcome my restrictive upbringing that led to me to have social anxiety and depression. So I genuinely embrace challenges as a way to strengthen myself and my relationship. I view obstacles as opportunities to grow and appreciate things.

 

I don't necessarily want their blessing. But I do want them to still allow my GF to be close with her sisters and realize that this is for the best since it allows everybody to grow to respect one another. I really think if they choose this path, they risk alienating all 4 of their daughters and will destroy themselves. I'm more concerned in just reinforcing my girlfriend to be strong and remind her self not to feel guilty or selfish.

[maturityassets]

Op ,

 

you are from same culture and understand that the social constraints are huge .

 

I come from a less conservative place in middle east ; but in my society and around me there is a lot of similar personalities.

 

 

My advise to you is to choose a specific good moment to approach the father ;

your courage and honesty will impress him .

 

don't forget that their sense of social insecurity is hurting them especially that they feel vulnerable socially in the western world .

I'm quite not 100% ready for the big step. I think my plan was to be ready when I get a big enough apartment and have saved a substantial enough to pay off a large chunk of my college debt. I have often offer my girlfriend the same suggestion, saying he might respect my forthright honesty. But I don't want to steal my GF's autonomy. She has to choose how to deal with this. But I will try to convince her to allow me to do this.

[sandylee1]

Do you know exactly what their issue? Like do they think she's too young to have a boyfriend... or do they think she would be distracted from her studies by a BF?

Or is it just not the thing to have a BF in your culture? Is it more strict for girls?

 

How old are you both?

 

My parents were also rather strict. My dad never met any of my boyfriends except for my husband .... and that's when I knew we were getting married. The first time he met my dad was to ask for my hand in marriage.

 

My dad was not interested in meeting guys who were just boyfriends... but I lived on my own and could do what I wanted. Having a relationship while I lived at home was impossible. I tried it and I hated having to lie about where I was and if I was out a friend of my parent's might see me and go and tell them.... so I ended it for that reason and because the guy was pressuring me to sleep with him.

[elaine567]

I see the parents personalities and attitudes as a product of their culture.

YOU do not obviously meet their expectation's for their daughter's partner hence the hostility.

I do not see a good result here.

Your gf will at some point have to choose between you and her family and I guess when it all comes down to the wire, her family will ultimately win through.

In order to stay with you she will have to give up her parents and her sisters and go against her culture.

That is a particularly lonely path to follow, especially for a woman, and you will probably not fully compensate for that loss long term, even if she does choose you.

Edited March 28, 2016 by elaine567