shoplocal Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 It's pretty clear that I'm not having children. I always wanted to marry and have lots of children, so it makes me sad that this is my life and my future...but I decided not to wallow anymore, and move on. I still get pangs of heartache when I see a pregnant woman, but those pangs are decreasingly intense. My mother wanted grandkids, pretty much as soon as my siblings and I were born. A big multi-generational family was her dream, but all four of her kids (myself included) have failed to have children. She's heartbroken over it, but her coping mechanism is to live vicariously through her friends, pretty much all of whom have at least one grandchild. I know this because she constantly tells me about her friends' grandchildren, and my heart breaks for both of us...to the point where I shut her down because I can't bear to hear anymore news like this. The difficulty arises from me feeling guilty for failing her, though ironically she never thought I'd have kids and has never wanted grandchildren from me personally. (I'm the black sheep of the family.) It hurts as much that she always actively discouraged me from having children as that I feel guilty for failing to have any. Of her four kids, I'm the only one who wanted children. I thought I'd achieve my dream and by virtue of granting her hers, would finally get out of the dog house. What I really want to do is finally explain to her how I feel about all of this, but she's so wrapped up in her loss of grandchildren that she's been unable to see or care about my viewpoint and my loss. Is there any approach that might work at bridging the gap between our similar, and connected, hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted March 24, 2016 Share Posted March 24, 2016 There's obviously a lot of backstory that we don't know, or at least I don't. You may have elaborated in another post that I haven't read. I'd like to make sure I fully understand your post. You want children but can't for whatever reason. To make matters worse, your mother encouraged you to not have children. But, you thought if you provided her with the one thing she obsesses over, grandchildren, that you'd suddenly gain favor with her. However, that's not going to happen bc of reasons beyond your control. You feel that the void is common ground for the two of you and you'd like to share your sorrow with her so that she understands you are hurting and disappointed much the same way she is. You are starving for acceptance. May I ask why you are the black sheep? How long has this differential treatment been going on? Why did she discourage you from producing off-spring? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shoplocal Posted March 24, 2016 Author Share Posted March 24, 2016 There's obviously a lot of backstory that we don't know, or at least I don't. You may have elaborated in another post that I haven't read. I'd like to make sure I fully understand your post. You want children but can't for whatever reason. To make matters worse, your mother encouraged you to not have children. But, you thought if you provided her with the one thing she obsesses over, grandchildren, that you'd suddenly gain favor with her. However, that's not going to happen bc of reasons beyond your control. You feel that the void is common ground for the two of you and you'd like to share your sorrow with her so that she understands you are hurting and disappointed much the same way she is. You are starving for acceptance. May I ask why you are the black sheep? How long has this differential treatment been going on? Why did she discourage you from producing off-spring? Yes, there is lots of backstory...I was trying to keep things concise! To clarify: my mother didn't encourage me not to have children ("don't feel like you have to"), she discouraged me from dating/sex/relationships/children ("you shouldn't/can't do these things, they're not for you"). But otherwise, you got the picture perfectly. I think I'm the black sheep because I'm emotional and headstrong in a family of dispassionate, highly responsible/conventional people. They didn't know what to do with me and the 'noise' I created. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember. My mother isn't a bad person, but she has long felt I'm too weak and irresponsible to do certain things and never shied away from telling me what those things were. You suggested I want her acceptance...I used to, but thought I'd moved past that. Maybe not, in this area. It's something to think about! Link to post Share on other sites
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