Secret relationship & parents

[GH3]

Hello everyone, I've been in a secret, long distance relationship for seven months. In order to understand my problem, it's necessary to know how I ended up in this position.

 

 

So the short hand version: I met my love during my senior high school year at a college campus (he happens to be bit older than me). We talked for 4 months and then decided that we wanted to be together.

 

 

Sounds simple, but the problem: My mother meets him, thinks he's a cool person, but the day we decided we wanted to be together officially, we spend a little too long talking about it and end up coming late to my very, very upset mother.

 

 

Mother disapproves for several reasons:

1. she thinks we're both immature

2. He hasn't finished school yet (although he's dangerously close)

3. She doesn't want me to date anyone (although I'm 18 and going to university full-time)

4. She doesn't want me to get distracted from school (although I've talked to him often and managed to graduate from college classes with honors while in high school)

 

 

So what happens: We used to call each other often, but my mother told me he shouldn't call late at night (I thought fair enough, the reason he did was his 12-13 hour job)

 

 

We call each other during his work breaks: Mother says I shouldn't talk to him as often or provoke any interest on his part.

 

 

To make sure I don't: She almost gets rid of the household unlimited plan, checks my texts, obtains my Facebook password, checks my phone records, and tells me to charge all my devices in the kitchen

 

 

At this point I had enough, so: I change my Facebook password, she got angry, says I will be watched 24/7 at university (don't worry, she has no means of doing that), and threatened to not help me with my college expenses

 

 

Did I panic? Yes, I did.

 

 

My love and I talked about it: Since we couldn't see or call each other, we waited until I moved to university ( 1 hour and 10 minutes away from my parents, 1 hour and away from him)

 

 

We've been together 7 months now and he visits every two weeks. However, now hiding my relationship from my parents and half the world has become a bit emotionally troublesome for me.

 

 

I talked to him about it and he suggested:

1. We stop (we don't want to do that and we'd eventually just end up seeing each other again)

2. We tell my parents and if they decide to cut me off, I could pay rent at his parents' house and live there (although I don't know how school would work out)

3. we wait until I can finally stand on my own and then tell (hopefully that'll be in the near future like somewhere in the next two semesters, but I'm not sure)

 

 

We want our relationship to work out, but he says it's important for me to be holding up well. I know I'm not limited to those three specific options, so what can I do?

[Radu]

I'd go with 3 and keep 2 as a backup.

 

Normally i would not offer this advice, but quite frankly ... her reactions [you will be followed ???; so she trusts some dirtbag she knows nothing about to follow her little girl around but she doesn't trust the guy she is in a relationship with; i chuckled at 'must charge all devices in kitchen'] are way off.

 

Take care of your thing, get good grades, make sure your future exists.

 

PS: Are you from the US and is your mom by any chance Indian [not born there] or asian ?

[GH3]

haha no, it's worse she's a raging latina. Yes, I reside in the US and my boyfriend and I agreed to maintain a balance between him saving money at work, my schoolwork (I get A's and B's as usual), and seeing each other.

[janedoe67]

I believe in respecting parents ( I am one). But I also had this kind of mother and it had a huuuuge impact on my life, especially who I did and did not choose to marry.

 

You are an adult. If she cuts you off, just work your way through. She cannot legally have this kind of hold on you anymore. I was afraid because I thought some unimaginable world altering THING would happen if I went against her. It won't. She'll be mad, she'll try all the guilt trip tactics, she'll try to cut you out of her life.......but she won't be able to because she HAS to know what is going on and have a connection to you.

 

Just be responsible, be kind, and use a mantra like this:

 

I love you mother, but I know I am making the right choices. Then ask if she wants tea or hang up.

[GH3]

haha no, it's worse she's a raging latina. Yes, I reside in the US and my boyfriend and I agreed to maintain a balance between him saving money at work, my schoolwork (I get A's and B's as usual), and seeing each other. And don't worry, I knew she was bluffing about the watching over.