How to deal with my self obsessed sister?

[ramy]

My sister is 18 and I am 20 and she has just become more and more impossible to live with over the past few years. I'm beginning to think she's not completely right in the head as she is just completely absorbed in herself and has absolutely no empathy for anyone else. The rest of my family is generally happy as everyone is healthy, money's not a huge problem anymore and we all usually get along, apart from her. She finds life hard in general and she self harms (and makes sure everyone knows about it. I have also struggled with self harm and clinical depression for nearly three years now, but I have never told anyone in my family about this because we are literally always talking about her)

 

She's very dramatic and loves to be the centre of attention, my parents are devastated about her self harming and just want to help her but she won't accept help from anyone and anyone who tries gets the tantrum of a five year old ("You're so mean to me why do you hate me so much just leave me alone" etc) I really feel like I need their support with my own problems but I don't want to burden them even more as they're already under so much strain from her.

 

She also supposedly has a condition called Restless Leg Syndrome because every single night and evening she jerks all of her joints and sometimes bangs her legs on the floor very loudly, often keeping everyone up for hours at night and sometimes hitting people accidentally in the daytime. I'm not a doctor but this is a very selective condition for her, if she's out with friends she does not do it, if she has a boyfriend with her she does not do it, if she's in a class she does not do it, yet if she's in the sitting room with us she will do it until my parents can't bear it any longer and the evening ends with everyone frustrated and in a bad mood. She hasn't been professionally diagnosed at all and I'm convinced she has complete control over it.

 

I want to cut her out of my life completely but I love her so much and care about her. I should mention here that I've never really had many friends in my life other than her. We were very close as kids and she's only really become like this since she started having boyfriends at 14. Another problem is that my only other real friend is our cousin, who is also a close friend of my sister's. We have always gone out together but I'm getting slowly fed up of the charade. She turns into a completely different person when we our out with our cousin, all sweetness and light and giggles, and so I can't even confide in my only friend about this because she is always there, pretending to be someone she isn't! I have no idea what I should do, I feel like I'm loosing my mind because of this!

[d0nnivain]

She's the baby & she's acting like it.

 

 

You aren't losing your mind.

 

 

While you live with her, you can't cut her off. If you can move out, some space & distance may help your perspective.

 

 

Next time she's being self obsessed you can gently call her on it & redirect the conversation back to you.

[Downtown]

Ramy, specifically, what acts of self harming have you and your sister done? How frequently has it occurred?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Those things are signs of personality disorders (PDs).

 

The PDs I'd look for are:

Anti-social

Narcissistic

Borderline

Histrionic

 

edit: Learning about these disorders can give you insight on what motivates the peculiar behavior you're seeing. You'll then have a better understanding of how to handle someone like that.

Edited December 1, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus
got lazy

[HokeyReligions]

Why do you love her? Is it because you think you are supposed to? Just cut her out. Block her on your phones and social media and fell her not to contact you. Then tell yourself daily that you have no feelings for her. Make a chant for yourself or song or something to un-brainwash yourself. Just because you share genetics does not mean you have to love her or care. I've had nothing to do with my sister in over 30 years. I doubt I would even recognize her, or she me. When she tried to call me I told her not to. Her daughter called once and I was polite but firm and said "please never call me again". She never did.

[VeronicaRoss]

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. Get away and stay away if that's the case.

[Radu]

Self-harm in your case OP was probably mostly about self-hate, you hated your body, how you were and what you were.

I remember how it felt, it's not something you want to broadcast because in such a case [i picked at my shoulders and lips ... they were quite bloody], it adds to your humiliation and lowers your worth even more.

 

In her case it's probably attention seeking, considering the other things, it's something she holds up there, in a way she is holding her body hostage unless her demands are not met ... weather they are attention, pity, financial, etc ...

 

Considering the above, i find it hard to accept her Restless Leg Syndrome.

As you noticed it's selective.

Well, when ppl are stressed about something, they want a way out, a valve through which they can discharge their stress.

She is obviously not stressed with her bf and friends, even though someone who self-harms out of loathing would not even have those [because they think too little of themselves to have them ... they would think they are unworthy].

I suspect it's again an attempt at attention, because it's something that she does when she does not have an audience. This would also explain the 'accidental' hitting of ppl during the day.

 

The charade she puts is something i have read quite a lot about in PD's.

You don't want to call ppl out on having a PD btw, and no diagnosis can be made over the internet like this [certainly not by pop 'psychologists' like us]; the reason you don't want to call her out over this, is because appearances are very important to PD's who are 'high functioning'.

They do not want others to see the ugly underside.

So, therapy, or even research being conducted in how they act will result in a full blow of their symptoms.

Even therapists try to avoid telling their patients they have a PD because they are notoriously difficult to work with [1% get better through normal therapy, and most of the time the PD will end up playing with the therapist], so whatever you do, do not mention BPD or PD or whatever to her.

I mentioned above 'high functioning'.

That is when they can hide what they are from anyone but the one who is close family or SO; in contrast 'low functioning' cannot hide what they are from outsiders.

 

Here's some suppositions over what the future might hold.

As ppl move into adulthood, the parents hold less and less power over them, but in the case of ppl with PD, their core emotional level is that of a child in the body of an adult with the rights of an adult.

So making them do what you want to, is next to impossible.

Especially since if you try that, if you stop looking at them with adulation, they will end up seeing you as the incarnation of Hitler in their minds, a huge evil that must be extinguished.

High functioning ones are the most dangerous [in my view especially if they are a woman since women are naturally better at forming and holding relationships], because they can manipulate anyone to meet their endgoal.

Any kind of deal is useless with a PD, because those are valid only as far as the PD actually wins. A win:win situation for them is one in which they might be losing something.

That and their ability to mentally rewrite history will leave them with any kind of justification they need to further their agenda.

 

The longer your parents try to be empathic about her needs, the less need to change she will feel.

Basically your parents need to adopt a more hardline approach and use what assets of control they have over her [and even then i doubt those will work in full].

 

The older she will get, the harder it will be for her to change.

At some level she knows she is not right, but she would rather die than admit it, appearances are very important to her.

So if anyone breaks that cover she has [or endangers it], that person will become her mortal enemy.

[almond]

The best thing you and your family can do is band together and do everything in your power to get her to seek professional help. She's quite obviously struggling with something that neither she nor your family are capable of fixing alone.

 

It's hard, and I feel for you. She's sucking the life from the family, trying to fill some void or ease some pain. It's not good for anyone.

 

Please also seek help for your depression and self-harming - speak to a doctor and follow it up. A good psych will also be able to help you a LOT in dealing with your sister's behaviour, and the impact it is having on you and your family.

 

It's tough. Professional support would really help you out here. Good luck.

[preraph]

One big trigger for self-harm is feeling like you aren't being heard, that you can't express yourself. You may think a happy family solves everything, but a family who are all happy and can't imagine why someone else isn't are exactly what can make someone feel they can't express themselves and really be heard and sympathized with. A friend of mine is a positive thinker, who will contradict anything you say that isn't sunshine and roses. Her daughter is a cutter. Of course, she doesn't accept that it's her forcing positive thinking on her that is doing it. Now her daughter is moved out, she's doing much better.