Narcissistic Dad, and I love and hate my Mom. How to deal?

[nescafe1982]

Hi all, I don't think I've posted in this forum yet, but been reading through some of the posts esp. the ones on NPD. This past weekend my brother got married (yay!) but it meant that I had to visit with my parents, who I have terribly strained relationships with. It's dredged up some serious ambivalence, anger, and mixed feelings that I've managed not to deal with for some amount of time. I thought writing about it her might help.

 

First, some background:

I grew up in an abusive household: emotionally, psychologically, physically, and on one (or possibly two) occassion(s), sexually. My father has some kind of combo of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, arrested development (e.g. he has the developmental maturity of a 13-14 year old boy, and I know that sounds like an opinion but trust me, it's objectively true), and drug addiction. He met my mother in the first semester of college, knocked her up, and they quit school to have me way too young. He was also abusive to her for many years, until he started abusing me.. from that point I was the target of the abuse, nearly all of it: yelling, terrorizing me, beating, inappropriate touching, gaslighting, and most persistently, I was the "designated patient" (meaning both parents ascribed me as the source of the family problems, and they spent my childhood diagnosing me with illnesses, taking me to institutions, etc). They encouraged my brother (once he was old enough) to beat me as well, and eventually both parents and my brother were party to my abuse. When I was 14, I started to make trouble (talking to school authorities, cops, etc), and they put me out of the house. I've been independent since then, and for many years had no contact with any of them. I moved 1200 miles away (as an adult) and reconnected with distant relatives. I thank God for them (uncles, aunts, grandparents, all on my mom's side)... they've been a source of strength as I've worked on recovering from my childhood.

 

Anyway, I'm 30 now. About five years ago my parents (well, my mom anyway) began making efforts to get back into my life. I've visited them a couple times, and my mom has come to visit here a couple times (always alone). My dad's narcissism pretty much precludes any chance of a relationship with him... he's incapable of loving anyone and takes emotional hostages. Indeed, his relationship with my mother is a classic case of this. Anyway, pretty much the whole time I've grown up, I've struggled between 1) hating my mom for not caring about not protecting me from my dad's abuse, for not leaving him, for taking his side when he threw me out, etc, and 2) feeling sad and sorry for her, because she's also been a victim of his abuse, because she lives a completely disempowered lifestyle, because she was "trapped" in that marriage because I was born. Sometimes I can even empathize with her. She's spent a lot of my life resenting me: because I was born, because I have always been a sort of driven, ambitious type, because I stayed in school, or even maybe because I did escape from my dad. I don't know, but it's a confusing mass of feelings... once which I usually don't even try to work out into something coherent because what's the point? I only see these people once every couple of years.

 

Anyway, this past weekend was one of those times I saw them. It was the first time I'd seen my dad since 2009. IT was the first time I'd seen my mom in over a year. But it was the first time I'd seen her together with my dad in 4 years. Anyway, something is bugging me persistently since our visit: I could plainly see how empty, how robotic, how sad and scared and, well, pitiful my mother has become. She could not stand to be away from my father's side for more than a couple minutes... like almost panicking when he went outside for a cigarette. At family gatherings she stared blankly at her hands, the table, etc. When I caught her eye she looked like she might started crying if I didn't look away (almost like she couldn't handle someone looking at her, seriously). She's developed a facial tick. She doesn't have any friends I know of, you know, peers. And my dad (of course) treats her like crap. Think of how a 14 year old boy talks to his mother (especially if the mom is a doormat)... and that's about how my dad spoke to my mom.

 

It's just sad. And I pity her, I want to help her. But I don't think I can help. And I also still hate her for her own role (however passive) in the years of abuse I endured.

 

I also come to resent myself for leaving her alone with him (even though that's what growing up is... leaving the nest). I resent myself for letting her get this bad.

 

I know this is not one of those problems that's suited for an advice forum, but I guess I wanted to take advantage of the sounding board LS provides. How can I cope with these awful mixed feelings about my mom? Can I (or should I) even try to help her? (I'm pretty sure the answer there is "no" because it would only mean enmeshing myself into their toxic patterns.) But what can I do? Because right now I'm swerving between fear/anxiety/anger directed at my mother, and self-resentment rooted in the feeling that I "abandoned" her.

[gaius]

I know this is probably not the answer you're looking for, but I don't think there's much you can do. I had a similar thing growing up where my mother didn't want me. I was always being shifted off to relatives whenever possible and the only way I could ever win her affection was with these bizarre touching/massage sessions. When she finally met a new guy and remarried she encouraged the husband to beat me and used the pretext of misbehaving to finally get rid of me. Then years later when they broke up she finally started acknowledging I had been abused, by her husband! I'm pretty sure the only reason I wasn't aborted in the first place was my father was wealthy and paid decent child support.

 

To this day she feels she has done nothing wrong and makes no attempt to try and make up for it. I stopped calling a while ago since my calls get ignored, unless she needs something from me. Then I'm invited over and cherished until she doesn't need me anymore and I suddenly become a burden. While it's subtly suggested I need to depart.

 

It's awful for me too because she has other children in the house she's started doing the same thing to. She has one of my younger male half-siblings sleeping with her in her room at night and I can only imagine what's going on. It feels horrible not being able to do anything. But honestly nes, I'm 30 also and for the last 10 years I've tried just about everything under the sun to improve the situation and nothing has worked. For a while I would go over and visit whenever I could, try to provide a more healthy atmosphere but at the end of the day it just ended up with me feeling like garbage and not being able to go to the bathroom until I left that hellhole.

 

I know your situation is a little different than mine, but if your mother wants to be with him then what can you do? I've never had any luck breaking up couples and I don't know anyone else who has either. Especially not a child of the said couple. There is nothing you can do or say with people like your father and my mother. They are simply black holes. I just hope you can find a way to forgive yourself for not being able to do anything and stay uninvolved. Maybe talk to a therapist about all those guilty feelings. That never worked much for me when I was younger but some people swear by it. From what I remember you said in the political forum you've made a pretty remarkable life for yourself despite the circumstances and should be proud.

[CC12]

Can I (or should I) even try to help her? (I'm pretty sure the answer there is "no" because it would only mean enmeshing myself into their toxic patterns.)

 

I will say "no" as you expected. But it's not only because you shouldn't enmesh yourself in their problems, it's more because trying to help would be really damaging to your well-being, I think. You've done a great job of removing yourself from them and to go back now would be a real shame, I think.

 

But what can I do?

 

You mean what can you do for your mother? I don't think this is a question you need to face right now. She's not asking for your help, right? If she asks, then you can ponder it. For now, work on your feelings toward your mother/your upbringing. That's some heavy ****. Have you thought about counseling? Maybe some books on the subject? I think your feelings are pretty common, and you could probably find a lot of material on it.

[nescafe1982]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Yeah, I'm pretty well assured at this point that this is not a problem I can solve. I guess I am one of those people who is always trying to spin issues in a manner that puts me in control of the situation (perhaps this is even a product of the upbringing I describe above). But getting involved on my mother's behalf is not likely to do any bit of good, in in fact will probably lead to me losing myself as well. It's just really sad to see the extent to which, although my childhood/early adulthood was an awful thing, I think I was actually the lucky one because I was tossed out. My mother and yes, even my brother have not been so lucky; my brother, for instance, has barely survived some serious drug addiction issues, has spent time in prison, didn't flee their house until he was 28 (e.g. very recently), and was working for my N father in conditions of debt peonage until that point. He was never beaten... but he was no less abused.

 

Anyway, I can't really afford professional help at the moment, but getting some counseling to deal with these issues is something that's been on the long-term agenda for some time now. Reading about NPD and survivors of abuse has helped a bit, and provided I am essentially no-contact with my parents and brother, these conflicting, awful emotions don't bother me regularly. I guess I will have to admit sooner or later, though, that it will require professional intervention to process the actual problem and be rid of this legacy forever.

 

Thanks for your validation and thoughts though. There aren't really many people in "real life" that i can be as frank with as the anonymous folks of LS. So thank you.