When siblings hate each other

[writergal]

Ever since my brother and I became estranged, it's made family gatherings and birthdays really awkward. Tomorrow he invited my sister and mother over to his house for one of his children's birthdays, but not me. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that my mother and sister never mention it, which makes me feel like they're on his side, not mine. When it comes to Thanksgiving or Christmas, if I so much as say "I'm not going to your house [to my sister or mother's] if he [my brother] will be there, then my mother and sister treat me like the family scapegoat.

 

My brother did some pretty physically and psychologically abusive things to me over the years without any explanation before or afterwards, that warrant some distance I think, for my sanity's sake. For example, on a long drive to our uncle's funeral, as soon as my brother [who was driving] saw my reading a gossip magazine [it was a 5 hour drive to the funeral from our city], he told me to put it away or he would pull over the car and kick me out. He explained that he was a born again Christian recovering from a porn addiction, and that the gossip mag I was reading was "tempting him with evil thoughts" because the celebrities on the magazine cover were dressed in award ceremony gowns and were scantily clad.

 

When he said this, I looked at him and said, "Ah, don't you think you should be focusing on the road in front of us instead of the cover of the magazine I'm reading?" Probably the wrong thing to say because then my brother pulled over, forced me to get out of the car [his wife was in the backseat with their two young children, and she said nothing while this was happening], and then drove off. He stopped after driving about 500 feet and believe me if there had been a house or hotel nearby I would have walked there instead. But as there was only corn fields as far as the eye could see, I had to get back in the car. So I walked up to his car, and suggested that his wife sit in the front seat and I sit in the backseat so that he wouldn't be bothered by my magazines. He agreed and we rode to the funeral.

 

Well, even after I told my sister and mother what he did, he lied and said I making it up. He still hasn't apologized to me for doing that which I think is so bizarre. I have no idea why he hates me, and my sister and mother just make excuses for his temper. And when I tell them how their behavior hurts my feelings, they tell me to "stop being such a drama queen." I have no idea how to deal with this dysfunction. I've already seen a therapist but I think a family therapist is the best solution. But they won't agree to it. My sister and brother get along really well because they are both married with children and I'm still single. So they have more in common with each other. Any advice is welcome.

Edited October 21, 2011 by writergal

[Taramere]

on a long drive to our uncle's funeral, as soon as my brother [who was driving] saw my reading a gossip magazine [it was a 5 hour drive to the funeral from our city], he told me to put it away or he would pull over the car and kick me out. He explained that he was a born again Christian recovering from a porn addiction, and that the gossip mag I was reading was "tempting him with evil thoughts" because the celebrities on the magazine cover were dressed in award ceremony gowns and were scantily clad.

 

What a plonker.

 

When he said this, I looked at him and said, "Ah, don't you think you should be focusing on the road in front of us instead of the cover of the magazine I'm reading?"

 

Haha.

 

Probably the wrong thing to say because then my brother pulled over, forced me to get out of the car [his wife was in the backseat with their two young children, and she said nothing while this was happening], and then drove off. He stopped after driving about 500 feet and believe me if there had been a house or hotel nearby I would have walked there instead. But as there was only corn fields as far as the eye could see, I had to get back in the car.

 

 

You know...I can remember my father doing similar things. One time I was waiting outside the school gate for about 2 hours for him. Eventually I gave up and went to the house of some family friends as we lived out in the country and I relied on private transport to get home.

 

Turned out that because I was two minutes late (the teacher had kept he entire class behind for a minute or so for some reason) he had driven off in a huff. My mother's friend drove me home, and as soon as he saw me he started yelling. The friend almost flew at him with rage and berated him about the dangers of leaving an eleven year old outside a school for two hours...and how ridiculous it was to get in such a rage over a kid being a couple of minutes late. She was magnificent.

 

My mother, meanwhile, stood by saying nothing. Probably much like your brother's wife, her focus was on trying to keep the peace in a household dominated by a difficult and aggressive character...rather than challenging his behaviour. I do remember her friend saying "I wouldn't have believed this if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."

 

That's just the way with some people. They won't believe a friend or family member could behave like a thoroughly unreasonable idiot unless they witness it for themselves. I actually get on pretty well with my father, but he has a temper which often manifested itself in irrational and totally unreasonable behaviour when I was a kid. I think you have to develop a strong internal sense of trust that your notions of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour are fair and reasonable, in order to manage that kind of thing.

Well, even after I told my sister and mother what he did, he lied and said I making it up. He still hasn't apologized to me for doing that which I think is so bizarre.

 

His entire behaviour was bizarre. He's obviously blocked it out and will probably never admit to it.

 

I have no idea why he hates me, and my sister and mother just make excuses for his temper. And when I tell them how their behavior hurts my feelings, they tell me to "stop being such a drama queen."

 

Do they subscribe to very traditional "the man's always right, no matter what..." values? If so, then you're not going to get very far with them. It can be an exercise in immense frustration to try to get fairness in those situations, and often simply not worth the effort.

 

What you've described from your brother is quite clearly irrational and strange behaviour that he won't own. The fact that he would behave so bizarrely kind of invalidates any personal judgement he has of you. I mean, if a patient in the secure wing of a psychiatric hospital called you satan's whore, would you really care? Or would you just brush it off as the kind of aggressive but meaningless outburst you can expect to hear in that environment?

 

I have no idea how to deal with this dysfunction.

 

It's not yours to deal with. I think that you managed the car incident admirably. It's hard to think what else you could have done.

 

I've already seen a therapist but I think a family therapist is the best solution. But they won't agree to it.

 

Of course they won't. The people with the biggest problems are always the most vigorous opponents of anything like that.

 

My sister and brother get along really well because they are both married with children and I'm still single. So they have more in common with each other. Any advice is welcome.

 

Honestly, it's hard to know what to say...because from what you described re the car incident you already seem to have a handle on the best way to deal with this. Calm, sensible and one million miles away from the "drama queen" your family accused you of being. Obviously one can only go by what you're presenting on this thread, but it sounds as though what you need is support in handling it as you're already doing...rather than needing to have yourself or your behaviour "fixed" in some way.

Edited October 21, 2011 by Taramere

[writergal]

Hi Taramere, thanks so much for your response. I can't believe your father didn't wait for you outside of your school just because you were a few minutes late. Your father and my brother sound very similar with regard to their irrational temper. I should add that my father had a bad temper like that as well. The way he handled two situations that involved me, I'll never forget.

 

The first situation I remember happened when he was driving me to school when I was in third grade. As we approached a stop sign I was fidgeting in the car and when I'd turned around to look at the car behind us, there were a couple of college-age girls and one of them flipped me the bird. I had no idea what the middle finger meant, so I told my dad, "hey dad why did that girl behind us give me the middle finger?" Since we were at a 4 way intersection, my dad put the brakes on, got out of the car, walked over to the college girls' driver side window and screamed at her. You can imagine she must have been terrified. I was kind of shocked myself. Then he got back into the car and drove me to school. After that, I practiced giving the bird to him every chance I got. Hah!

 

The second incident was when he had a family meeting to tell us he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer (I was 12 at the time). When my brother cried at the news, my parents comforted him; when my sister said nothing, they took her to see a therapist, but when I cried my father screamed at me, "shut up! just shut up!" Then he told us that we weren't allowed to tell anyone because he didn't want any sympathy. Guess what I did, being in sixth grade at the time I told EVERYONE over the next week at school. After the calls, visits, and food came pouring in my dad actually grounded me from tv and friends' visits for a week. Then fast forward 10 years later he was given a diagnosis that his cancer returned but this time he only had a month to live, and again, my brother, sister and I reacted the same way with the same responses from our parents. When I cried, he told me to "shut up! shut up" so I told him to "go to hell" and avoided him until right before he died, when I sat in his room with him and accused him of being a terrible father who didn't even know me. This made him mad but he was on death's door and he apologized, but I was 21 at the time and was so mad at him I didn't even forgive him. I mean, who tells their child to "shut up!" when the child is just reacting normally to devastating news that their parent is dying of cancer.

 

We had tried family therapy after my father's death to no avail. My mother refused to continue going after 6 weeks because the therapist had uncovered the dysfunctional family dynamics for my family, and she didn't like what the therapist said about her role that contributed to it. The therapist had said that I was the family scapegoat and at our last session, gave us all work to do to repair our family dynamics. But you can guess what happened; absolutely nothing from their end. The light of their awareness simply faded and they have kept the dysfunctional pattern alive with my brother's raging temper, directed towards me. Since I have no clue what he's like as a father I can only assume he already directs it towards his own three young sons with his wife acting passively, letting it happen.

 

But I think you're right. I just want emotional support for handling being the scapegoat still, left out of my family's triangle, not included in their events together. No, my brother never acknowledged or apologized for what he did to me on the drive to our uncle's funeral. Although I did tell his best friend what my brother did when I ran into him a few months ago. My brother's friend had joked that he and my brother were really mean to people in high school which I used as a segue into, "let me tell you about the time when my brother your best friend kicked me out of the car for reading a magazine he didn't like." My brother's friend didn't sympathize except to say, "well that sounds like him." My brother's three sons will grow up knowing about me but according to my brother, sister and mother, it will be my fault that they don't have memories of me in their lives growing up.

Edited October 21, 2011 by writergal

[Taramere]

Then fast forward 10 years later he was given a diagnosis that his cancer returned but this time he only had a month to live, and again, my brother, sister and I reacted the same way with the same responses from our parents. When I cried, he told me to "shut up! shut up" so I told him to "go to hell" and avoided him until right before he died, when I sat in his room with him and accused him of being a terrible father who didn't even know me. This made him mad but he was on death's door and he apologized, but I was 21 at the time and was so mad at him I didn't even forgive him. I mean, who tells their child to "shut up!" when the child is just reacting normally to devastating news that their parent is dying of cancer.

 

That's a young age to lose your dad. I'm sorry to hear about that.

 

As for the kind of person who would tell a child to shut up when the child reacted with normal distress to devastating news...I would say somebody who hadn't attained/ or who temporarily lost (due to stress and trauma) the level of maturity and strength required to be a responsible and together adult, around the kids, regardless of what was going on. Or to put it another way. Somebody who just lost his sh*t. Which is wrong, of course, but also very common. In times of trauma or stress, when emotions are overtaking logic and notions of the "right" thing to do, lots of people are capable of inappropriate, dysfunctional or even abusive behaviour.

 

I had tried family therapy after my father's death to no avail. My mother refused to continue going after 6 weeks because the therapist had uncovered the dysfunctional family dynamics for my family, and she didn't like what the therapist said about her role that contributed to it. The therapist had said that I was the family scapegoat and at our last session, gave us all work to do to repair our family dynamics. But you can guess what happened; absolutely nothing from their end. The light of their awareness simply faded and they have kept the dysfunctional pattern alive with my brother's raging temper, directed towards me. Since I have no clue what he's like as a father I can only assume he already directs it towards his own three young sons with his wife acting passively, letting it happen.

 

So you've been left with that therapeutic diagnosis of an unhealthy family dynamic in which you fulfil the scapegoat role...but it just all stopped there?

 

What kind of therapy are you now receiving? Is it still very much along the psychodynamic model, or is it cognitive behavioural therapy? I think the two types offer quite different types of support.

 

But I think you're right. I just want emotional support for handling being the scapegoat still, left out of my family's triangle, not included in their events together. No, my brother never acknowledged or apologized for what he did to me on the drive to our uncle's funeral. Although I did tell his best friend what my brother did when I ran into him a few months ago. My brother's friend had joked that he and my brother were really mean to people in high school which I used as a segue into, "let me tell you about the time when my brother your best friend kicked me out of the car for reading a magazine he didn't like." My brother's friend didn't sympathize except to say, "well that sounds like him."

 

Yeah. It sounds as though his friend is well aware of what he's like, and has long since accepted that he isn't going to change.

 

My brother's three sons will grow up knowing about me but according to my brother, sister and mother, it will be my fault that they don't have memories of me in their lives growing up.

 

I would make efforts to stay in touch with them. Sending them cards and presents on their birthdays. Cheques migh be a good idea, for the very practical reason that you'll know whether they've actually been cashed.

[writergal]

So you've been left with that therapeutic diagnosis of an unhealthy family dynamic in which you fulfil the scapegoat role...but it just all stopped there?

 

No, unfortunately it continues. My brother physically abused me several times after our father's death, years before he pulled the car-stunt on the way to our uncle's funeral. After being hit by a truck whilst riding my road bike, I was forced to recover at our mother's house for a year since I received a TBI which required months of rehabilitation. During my time back at home with my mother who was the *worst* person to caretake a recovering brain-injured adult, my brother got mad and threw me down a flight of stairs, when he had come over to do his laundry and heard my mother and I having a horrible argument. So he grabbed me and tossed me down the stairs. Oh, after our father died, he got mad at me for yelling at our mother back then too and pushed me into our downstairs shower with such force that he broke through the shower tile into the drywall. Luckily I just had a bruised back but I was just 21 and he was 18.

 

After the family therapy and my brain injury I saw three kinds of therapists; first was a social worker who did dialectical behavior therapy, next was a cognitive therapist who introduced me to the concepts of David D. Burns, and then psychodynamic therapy which was utterly useless since it was the equivalent of like talking to a wall. My mother has called me a "loser" to my face, and when I told her I was switching grad school programs she told me to "go to hell" because it meant that I was delaying my studies another year.

 

After my father died, my mother never gave us any inheritance. She kept everything for herself and occasionally has helped my brother and sister and I with finances, but always with conditions like "if I lend you this, you will pay me back AND do such-and-such for me or else."

 

The family therapist diagnosed my mother with borderline personality which makes a LOT of sense because I grew up with unstable boundaries between her mania and my father's brutal temper. I've not been able to have a normal romantic relationship (don't know how my sister and brother escaped the family dysfunction to get married and have children) as I choose men like my father; controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive, who are emotionally unavailable. So instead of seeking out healthy men to date (how would I know if they were based on my history), I just don't even try to date anymore. I mean, I'm in graduate school nearly done to become a teacher with a masters and I'm a good enough aunt to my sister's children, but I am frightened at the thought of marrying a man like my father so I guess I shouldn't complain about being single or needing emotional support.

 

I was also diagnosed with anxiety disorder too, go figure. But I try to do meditation and yoga and swimming to combat the anxiety symptoms. I think I would benefit from another round of dialectical or cognitive behavior therapy but I worry that no school would hire a teacher with that on her medical record.

 

I probably won't send my three nephews birthday cards. When my parents went on a trip to Ireland, I asked my father to hand deliver a letter to a friend of mine, whose parents my parents would be staying with. My friend never got my letter (surprise). I can only guess that my father read my letter I'd written to my friend then threw it in the trash. Since my nephews are too young for email or Facebook, I'm sure if I mailed a birthday card the same thing would happen - my brother would just toss the card. If I'm still alive when his sons are older, I'll tell them everything without any editing of the details, you can bet on that.

Edited October 21, 2011 by writergal

[KathyM]

Please stay away from those people. They are abusive and toxic, and you have no need to keep these people in your life. You are an adult. You can choose who to have in your life. You don't need people like that.

[writergal]

Please stay away from those people. They are abusive and toxic, and you have no need to keep these people in your life. You are an adult. You can choose who to have in your life. You don't need people like that.

 

Well I'm sure in some way my lack of closeness with my brother growing up also played a part in his hating me for whatever reason. I paint a very "them against me" portrait here yet I"m sure my passive-aggressive (more passive than aggressive) responses to conflict in the family (going out partying nearly every night for three weeks while my dad lay at home dying in his hospice bed, when I could have been comforting my two younger siblings) didn't help bring me closer with my sister and brother. Although when the coroners came, it was me who let them in the house, who watched them put my dad into a body bag and wheel him out the door, and it was me who set up the funeral and wake arrangements because my mother was too distraught to do so. I resent their refusal to give me credit for the strength I showed in that way as I know I'm not responsible for my brother and sister's mental health responses to stress. I guess I envy their "family circle" that doesn't include me is what it boils down to. I love my sister and adore her children and she at least includes me in their lives. It's just hard to navigate around the family dysfunction when birthdays and holidays crop up for my mother, brother and sister and nephews. I agree that getting away from them is the best solution. That's why I'm trying to find and develop friendships to replace the family members I feel I've lost through the dysfunctional pattern of my family system. It's also why I have a hard time making and keeping friends too I'm sure, regarding trust issues I have.

[writergal]

Even though your family is severely dysfunctional, it's dysfunctional with a stable equilibrium, and therefore will not change unless and until something upsets that equilibrium, and maybe not even then. It seems even deaths in your family don't change the sick behavior.

 

Yes, good observation. It's dysfunctional with a stable equilibrium. Kind of like an iceberg...you just see the tip but not underneath the surface of the water unless you have the right tools. I did learn on my father's side of the family that his own father estranged himself from his brother, because his brother was their family's scapegoat. Plus, my own grandfather filed bankruptcy 3 times during his lifetime (he owned a restaurant), my uncle (my father's brother) was sexually molested as a child (my father claims he wasn't, but my brother claims our father molested him as a child but not my sister nor I to my knowledge), and my grandmother (my father's mother)'s family had some family members locked in mental institutions back in the early 1900s. My mother's family had no drama like that yet she has serious mental health problems. So, underneath the iceberg of my family dysfunction is that stuff that could sink relationships. You get the idea..bad metaphor, sorry!

 

All you can do is get as far away from these people as possible.

 

I've tried. I literally went to China...7,000 miles away and STILL my family affected my mental health. When I accepted a yearlong teaching opportunity in China, my mother tried to stop me from going. First she tried to psyche me out, "You'll never make it in China. You don't have what it takes." When that didn't work, she tried to force me to open a co-checking account so she could control my money to which I said, "no way!" Her final efforts humiliated me in public when she tried to block me from getting on the plane at my gate, literally standing in the doorway telling me she would disown me if I went to China for a year. Imagine that's the last thing you hear before you're trapped on a 15 hour flight with a bunch of strangers on you way to Hong Kong. Yeah I had a few drinks and I'm not a drinker. My mother sent out a China-news letter to friends and relatives based on the emails I sent her. Yet I had a cousin forward one newsletter which had these weird edits my mother had made, so I sounded like a lunatic to people about my teaching experience in China. Well as soon as I got that email from my cousin, I stopped emailing my mother, and sent private emails to people with my own "China Newsletter."

 

Unfortunately they will have to choose a new scapegoat which could be one of the children but there's really nothing you can do about that.

 

Well then let them. But that means I have to disconnect myself from my sister and her family. Or is there a way I can disconnect myself without losing my positive relationships with my sister's children?

 

You have to save yourself before you can think of saving anyone else.

 

And if I knew how to do that, I would have by this time. I wish I could open a book that says, "here's how to save yourself from your crappy family." If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. I thought grad school to get a teaching license and masters was a good start. I can always move with a teaching license. I even thought of moving to Europe because I have dual citizenship but I would need saved money before I could do that. Moving on a shoe-string abroad is not wise. It's something I'd love to do though.

Edited October 21, 2011 by writergal

[lifechanyuan]

All the contradictions, conflicts or disasters occurring in the traditional family are not caused by the parents, the children, the husband, or the wife, or any of the sisters and brothers, but by the life programme of family itself, which carries the viruses in spiritualism. No matter how civilized a person might be, he is sure to be infected involuntarily by such viruses one he enters the programme of family.