Financial Responsibility

[meanie_monday]

Story time:

 

So, I'm 18, a full time college student, and I have a full-time job. I live at home and I pay my car insurance, the internet on my laptop, my cell phone, and I pitch in for groceries. However, that doesn't seem to be enough for my mom. My mom is constantly on my back for not helping her with the bills, even though I give her money whenever she asks for it. She says I'm a liar when I say I'm broke and get's mad at me when I don't have any money.

 

I got a grant and scholarships for school and was given a check since I didn't need it all for the semester. I put it into my saving's account and planned on paying off a student loan I pulled out that I didn't really need. Right after my mom found out I got the check, she guilt tripped me into giving her $800 by saying she raised me my whole life and never asked for a dollar, etc. She said it was selfish of me to try to keep it all and that I had obligations at home. Begrudgingly, I gave her the money. That was two months ago. A couple days ago, she told me she needed $1000 for a financial emergency. I gave her the money, because I understood that it was really needed. So now that money's gone, and essentially, I"ll have to pay off that student loan I never even needed in the first place.

 

I understand that I should help out at home, but my mom doesn't ever give me a break. Working a full time job is killing me cos it's really hard to balance school and my social life, but I have to pay for all my stuff and pitch in at home. My mom says that if I don't like giving her money, I can just move out, which we both know is crazy and I wouldn't be able to support myself if I did.

 

So basically, is it my responsibility to pay my mom? Or is she just taking advantage of me?

[Marie63]

What did your Mom do before you were in college? How did she pay for her home and lifestyle? Were you living with her your entire high school years and she did not ask for money? Trying to understand why she is pressuring you now, and if she had a life before that she held on her own.

 

One HUGE thing that you may not know at age 18, or you may know already.

 

If you have a student loan then you have a student loan for life. You can file bankruptcy, but it does not get rid of a student loan. You can die and a student loan is in the estate to be paid. Do not ever get a student loan again. If you are smart enough there are grants and scholorships galore - or work your way through college - What name is this college loan in? If it is in your name it is attached to you forever. Find a friend on campus and live with them in dirt cheap and go to college. Do not rack up "living bills on your college loan" wow - that should be illegal.

 

If your Mom is not doing well there are social resources for her to get without hindering you and your education. Do not get college loans to pay for her expenses......please. You can get real accounting advice on this situation. They are not lawyers - so they don't look for money. CPA's give you advice - and I would seek advice before you become completely in debt.

 

My friend did three years RN school with living expenses...she did the the not now loan program - and eight years now it is not going to cost her $300 a month and she can't afford it. She is going to lose everything. She already filed bankruptcy and that did not wipe out the student loan, the house mortgage of $400 a month, and the student loan will never go away - please don't do this again.

 

Why did you post this question here though?

[meanie_monday]

Well, Marie, first, I posted this here since it kind of is related to family since it's about my mom.

 

I have had a part time job all through high school so I wouldn't have to ask my mom for any money. At the time, I only had to pay for my car insurance, and for myself. A couple months after I started working though, my mom started pestering me to give her money and it's been that way ever since.

 

I know it's important to help her out since she's a single mom, but I buy groceries and to give her money here and there.

[january2011]

I'd say "yes" to both questions because I think that since you are working full-time and living at home, it's fair that you pay her rent to cover your share of the bills. However, I don't think most parents ask for rent unless they really need it or want it, they'd rather take on the financial burden of the general household bills themselves - though perhaps that might be more true in my neck of the woods than yours.

 

Is there a chance that you can sit down and talk to her about the household finances? Look at a budget for the both of you and see what you can contribute on a regular basis, if you stay at home.

 

Unless I've missed it, you don't mention what your mom does for money besides what she gets from you - does she make enough to cover her bills if you don't contribute?

 

Regarding balancing your life. Something's got to give. You're a full-time student with a full-time job. I would say that having a full social life should be the least of your concerns right now.

 

You also mention that you both know it would be crazy for you to move out? Why? Have you actually sat down and worked out if it's cheaper to live somewhere else? Have you looked at rents and other living arrangements such as student halls, for example?

[meanie_monday]

January, my mom has a full time job and get's paid more than I do. I have tried to figure out if moving out would be cheaper, but it's not. I wouldn't even have a full time job, if my mom wouldn't keep asking me for money. I would've kept my part time job to balance school.

 

I gave her $1000 because she's got collections on her back for payday loans she pulled out years ago. She doesn't make smart financial choices, and I don't think it's fair for me to have to pay the consequences of her actions.

[january2011]

She doesn't make smart financial choices, and I don't think it's fair for me to have to pay the consequences of her actions.

 

On one level very true and I agree. However, you're an adult. You have a full-time job and you are living in her house. I think it's reasonable to contribute to the household expenses on a regular basis. At the very least you should be paying her an amount close to what it would cost for room and board elsewhere in your local area. If she asks for anything additional and substantial then I think you are being reasonable in saying, "no."

 

At the end of the day, if the collectors/bailiffs come round to your mom's house and take away items or evict her, you will also be the one left without X, Y and Z and it's your home too, so you'll be left without a place to live as well.

 

You're getting discounted room and board and are therefore benefitting from this arrangement. So, sit down with her and look at both your finances and budgets. Work out a solution together so that you both get some of what you want: she'll have some regular income from you to rely on to pay off her loans and you get her off your back.

 

If it doesn't work out at least you'll have tried. And that doesn't cost a lot other than a little bit of time and effort.

[maryamchaudhary]

Well i shall prefer you to help your mom because she did a lot of world for you and you should take these all financial responsibilites on your shoulder instead of your mother and you should make yourself the backbone of your mother.

[Nikki82]

I hate the whole "oh she's your mom and raised you so you should do this and this and this". Yeah, sure, be good to your mom, but don't let her screw up YOUR life. Does she not see how this is affecting YOU? If you truly can't fully escape her controls for another 3 years, then just lie about how much money you have. Open another account and put your money there...a secret account. That way when she gets mad when you say you don't have money and maybe goes crazy and demands to see your statement, you show her your "broke" account. But all the while your money is safe if your secret account.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with Nikki82's advice. Of course, if you are living at home while attending college and working, you can be expected to contribute to some of the household expenses.

 

But this contribution should not come at the expense of succeeding in college, or your credit, or your health. I worked full time while attending college full time: it is exhausting and I was lucky in that I only had to maintain that schedule for one year. If I'd had to do it for 4 years, I think it would have started to affect my studies. It certainly put a bullet in my social life.

 

I attended a music festival one summer where there was a student whose grandparents had paid his entire tuition, room and board for him to be there. Their assistance came with one condition, however: that he repay them in full by the end of the summer. It put him in a ridiculous position: instead of being able to take advantage of all the concerts and collaborative performance opportunities that are the entire raison d'etre for attending the festival, he worked at the local grocery store. I felt so sorry for him and felt someone should point out to his grandparents that it's useless to "help" their grandson if in the end he is put in a position where he can't even take advantage of all the benefits their "help" is supposedly granting him.

 

It sounds like your mom is putting you in a somewhat similar position. The whole point of living at home should be that you save more money than if you lived on your own. That is the investment BOTH of you are supposedly making for your future. If this keeps up with your mom, you should move out; I'll bet you anything there are cheaper options with out the Damocles' sword of maternal "I gave to you so you must now give to me" affecting your every move.

[meanie_monday]

Well, now, my mom's telling all her friends that I can lend them money. Now one of her friends wants me to lend her $300 and I've never even met her. I feel like I can't say no or else my mom will make me feel like a horrible person and start with the whole "I raised you" spiel.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Well, now, my mom's telling all her friends that I can lend them money. Now one of her friends wants me to lend her $300 and I've never even met her. I feel like I can't say no or else my mom will make me feel like a horrible person and start with the whole "I raised you" spiel.

 

Forget lending to her friends - what on earth is that all about? It is totally unreasonable to expect you to lend your Mother's friends large amounts of money. Definitely not your place to, why should it have to be you??? Do not be guilt tripped into doing it.

 

But regarding you and your Mum, the best thing to do would be to come to an arrangement about exactly how much she expects you to contribute each month and when she expects you to pay her. That way you know where you stand and can budget accordingly. However I think the massive amounts of money she wanted to borrow was certainly unfair on you.

[Nikki82]

Your Mom's friends are as unthoughtful as her. I really hope you don't give in to THAT! I would take the guilt trips any day over flushing my hard-earned money down the toilet. You know they won't pay you back. I don't mean to sound harsh, but grow a backbone and say no. Who cares if she says terrible things to you? Just let it blow over your head! She is not worth it, Mother or not!!

[Tayla]

I disagree 100% with the guilting for financial gain simply because one is a kinfolk. How ludicrous!

 

Build upon your integrity to see things fairly. You already contribute and in more ways then one have shown "adult" responsibility in paying your own bills. Tell her to do the same! You are not her hostage. (PERIOD!!!). You dont get to "own" the house when you aide in the bills, you get NO financial gain from filling in for her LACK of knowledge on how to budget correctly.

 

Stop being her "go to" bank, you are not. Take a stand. SHe wont like it one bit but then who does when they have the cow leave the barn and no milk is to be had. Think about it.

[Els]

I guess I am truly lucky that despite my parents' shortcomings, they really did want me to succeed academically and did everything they could to assist in that. Thus, coming from such a background, I really do not understand the rationale of your mother's tirade, OP. Why is she resenting you for wanting to do your best in your studies? It sounds very selfish.

 

In your place, I would tell her that I would give her no more money now because I do not have it, but that I would gladly 'pay her back', if she really wants, once I graduate and have a proper job.

 

And yes, PLEASE don't lend her friends money.

[BrentB]

You need to move out!

 

Seriously, if you have a full time job and are financially responsible, there is no reason you can't move out. Fear is what holding you back not money!

 

There are many reasons for moving out of your parents house other than financial reasons. The number one reason is to establish your independence and develop a strong identity.

[riverman]

Look in to renting a room or see how the y charges for a room. If she realize that your serious she will back off. Hiding your money seems like a good idea.

[aniahunks]

Honestly, she's expecting too much from you. She's treating you like a superhuman. It's really hard to balance everything. You should tell your mother that she needs to understand you and you need her moral support.