Mother Partner and Money

[Haruka]

On the weekend my mother and partner got into a verbal fight over the most stupidest thing. My mother tried to walk off, but my partner wouldn't back down and ended up yelling out calling her a cow (amazingly he didn't call her anything else).

 

I pulled him outside and took him into town for a coffee and to calm down the situation.

 

So of course I was in the middle. However my car broke down and my partner was going to fix it, but my mother decided upon herself to get a mechanic friend to fix it and didn't even ask if I wanted the friend to fix it. So while I was away she took it to the friend and the guy said I need to pay $250 on parts to fix it and he needed the parts today.

 

Thing is I have no money until the end of the week. I tried to explain to her where my money is going, paying for rent which is $240 p/w, internet bill $119.75, I got my muffler fixed last week $140, Payments for college $200.

 

So by the end of $700 I don't have much left over. She went into a rage and started in on me and claiming I'm giving my partner money for alcohol and marijuana which I don't. Then saying that for 25 years she has raised me and went into this long rant which made me feel guilty. Then going on that I am more loyal to my partner then to her and that I should have been ashamed at not stopping him calling her names. (I tried so hard but it is hard to calm him down).

 

Why am I suffering over a stupid money problem and having to decide whom means more to me?

[D-Lish]

I am so glad my mother is not like that. My exH's mother was like your mother, and we couldn't catch a breath without her sticking her nose in our business. I never had the guts to call her a cow- but I wish I had.

 

People that love you shouldn't ever ask you to choose in such a way.

[Haruka]

Thanks D-Lish, she is one of these women that it is her way or no way. She can dish it out but I can't give it back etc. Hence why I don't stand up to her, because I let her get her way.

 

As for my partner, I felt so bad asking to borrow the money from him but he declined as he doesn't have that much money either. Of course when I said I would get the money from him she was all "I don't want any of that jerk's money."

 

It feels like a dead end.

[D-Lish]

Thanks D-Lish, she is one of these women that it is her way or no way. She can dish it out but I can't give it back etc. Hence why I don't stand up to her, because I let her get her way.

 

As for my partner, I felt so bad asking to borrow the money from him but he declined as he doesn't have that much money either. Of course when I said I would get the money from him she was all "I don't want any of that jerk's money."

 

It feels like a dead end.

 

My ex never stood up to his mother either, and that's what ultimately broke up our marriage. It got to the point for me where I became so resentful of his inability to stand up for "us" that I lost all my respect for him. She was really mean to me (and controlling with him) , and he allowed her to be because he feared confrontation with her.

 

All I ever wanted was to hear him make that gesture on my behalf, on our behalf. The fact that he couldn't, left me feeling unimportant.

 

Honestly, NOT doing anything about it is probably the worst way you can handle the situation. Things will never get better if you continue to allow her to "get her way".

 

I also understand that she is your mother, and you love her. But clearly, she has no qualms about crossing boundaries. You have to create boundaries- and doing so will make things uncomfortable for you initially- but, I can assure you, it's a small price to pay in comparison.