My life's a wreck

[Thekid86]

Where to start?

 

I'm 24 years old. I live in the broken home of all broken homes. My parents are still living together but they don't get along at all. And when I say that I mean truly that they don't get along. I haven't heard them have a civil, adult conversation in probably 5 years. They fight and bicker over everything, from bills to food to car trouble to who parks where and every little detail. We are in a lower- to middle class part of town, certainly not starving but not eating caviar either. My dad works full time, my mom works part time and goes to school to become a nurse.

 

I want out of this house. It bothers me to hear nothing but fighting and bickering every second. Thank God it has never gotten physical. My brother is 16, and on the verge of failing out of high school. He is addicted to Xbox 360. Out of control, can't-do-anything else addicted. He even brought his Xbox with us on a weekend trip out of town where we would be gone for just 2 days. It was my dad, my brother, and me, along with our cousins. My mom didn't come. It just really hurts me to see my brother doing nothing but playing Xbox all night, from 3pm when he gets home from school, until 10:30 which is past his bedtime my parents have set for him on school nights. He doesn't go outside, doesn't go out with friends, doesn't do homework, doesn't do housework, doesn't sit down and eat without having his Xbox headset on, doesn't cook without the headset on, sometimes doesn't shower or do laundry (I hear my parents nagging him to shower). Obviously he doesn't exercise or eat healthy. He's failing classes such as basic English and basic Algebra. My parents don't seem to notice or care. He had a call last week from his teacher that he was rebellious and causing trouble. He's been in fights at school. Yet my parents allow him to keep surfing the Internet, playing Xbox, and not doing his homework. My mom will ask if he did his homework, he lies and says yes, then that's it. Being around that makes me sick.

 

My parents don't talk to me on a regular basis, if at all. My mom has said maybe 3 sentences to me in the month. Most of the time it's a text message reminding me that I need to buy laundry detergent or bread because she saw me take some and it needs replaced, but I only use their stuff rarely. I buy 99% of my own food, I might take a piece of bread for toast instead of buying an entire loaf that I won't eat myself. Last night there was a note in my room that said "Are you working Mother's Day?" Like they can't be bothered to actually talk to me and ask me that. It's pathetic. Needless to say my social skills are terrible, I have an enormous amount of trouble making and keeping friends, and having a long term girlfriend seems like a dream to me, it's just unrealistic right now.

 

My mom won't talk to me for more than 30 seconds at a time. Every time she initiates the conversation and has such a rude and unwelcome tone to her voice, telling me to go buy some household item or to clean my room or take the dog out. I can't recall the last time I've had a normal conversation with my mom. It hasn't ever happened. She just nags and complains and has never said anything encouraging to me in the past 10 years, if she even bothers to talk to me.

 

My dad is the ultimate enabler. I hear the same argument at least once a week. My dad asks my mom if she's going to pay her share of the bills, my mom comes back with a smart remark such as "why, are you broke?" and then my dad just says "well I don't want to pay your car insurance, your car payment, your cell phone bill, etc every month and you need to pitch something in." My mom then walks away and says "I pay my bills." My dad comes back with "What bills?" and she slams the door in his face or just leaves for work. I've heard voice messages on our home phone asking for my mom from collection agencies, and seen letters that look from the outside like they are collection letters. But my dad simply gives her more money and more control as he is being manipulated. I asked my dad about my brother's troubles and he basically said "what can I do, your mother will undermine anything I try anyway" and went back to watching tv.

 

This is getting a bit long so I'll try to end soon. Basically with me it was gambling, and not Xbox, that was my addiction. My dad and grandparents all gamble and taught me how to bet on horse races, poker, and sports. It spiraled until I was in high school booking bets for the whole school, taking bets up to $2000 per game. I didn't really know any better. So I have big issues with that. Gambling has completely ruined my finances, my credit, and my reputation.

 

I've also developed issues with casual sex, phone sex, cyber sex, and pornography that seriously impede any progress in my life. I dropped out of college after 1.5 years to gamble for a living, I made it pretty well for about 2 years before going broke and losing my entire $35,000 bankroll.

 

I'd love to simply cut ties with my parents, move somewhere new, and start fresh. But with my gambling and sex issues/addictions, and my poor credit and lack of savings, I won't last long. I need some guidance and friends who understand. I have deep, underlying issues that need resolved before I can move ahead. I don't have a college degree so job hunting would be hard.

 

Right now I deliver pizzas. I have a very high IQ, and was in advanced classes and doing extremely well until I started gambling more and more. I coasted through high school and even a year of college without doing a lick of homework. It was fun. I could bet at night, hangout at school during the day, walk in and ace the tests without reading the book, and be done. Then the work got more complicated and involved, and I couldn't rely on my natural ability anymore. I needed to put in some work to get my 95% scores for the first time ever. Granted, I would have only had to work about 1/10 as hard as anyone else, but for me work was for the birds. It was time to gamble it up and party! Until I got some horrible grades and decided school wasn't worth it.

 

I'm very, very aware of what's going on. That makes things very difficult. I know I have a problem with gambling, with spending 3-4 hours a day watching porn and having cyber or phone sex, but I just feel like there's no way out. I don't know what treatment or therapy to seek out. The only thing that makes me feel alive is making a bet or watching porn. After the short rush is over then I feel really depressed and immediately start chasing the next bet or movie. Having such a high IQ, and being so bright, frustrates me even more. I know I could easily be living on my own, making a comfortable living, if I could harness my potential. But the depression, the neglect, the abuse has taken its toll. I am emotionally numb and don't care what I look like. I'm paranoid, I have symptoms of OCD and ADD, I'm stressed out, and I feel trapped. My life is slipping away and I've already wasted so many good years gambling and getting nowhere. I've had several breakdowns where I go into crying spells and just can't control myself. The anxiety is crushing in social situations. I only feel at ease when I'm completely alone, no one in the house or around and I just sit and listen to music while I look at different bets or maybe read an article on a website.

 

Delivering pizzas is my job. Are you kidding me? 90% of people who knew me in high school would be shocked to find that out. I was always the witty, smart kid. Super sharp and quick with numbers and could easily do anything I tried academically. And now I'm delivering pizzas.

 

I also tend to dig myself into deeper and deeper holes. So I dwell on the bad instead of trying to make each day a little better.

 

I'm trying to exercise and eat healthier. I've cut pop out of my diet and drink more water. I was on Zoloft for about 6 months but it didn't help at all.

 

And while writing this I just broke out crying. The crazy thing is that I've been able to hide all of my huge, life crushing problems from just about everyone. My family knows I gamble but they have no idea I went into debt $10,000 with a bookie in one week with $50 to my name, and came out alive and friends with the guy. I worked to pay it back in installments and ended up making some money with him after I paid it back. I bet every day now with my new bookie. I've slept around with 10+ women in the past 2 years and somehow don't have any kids or rashes to report. I've had phone sex with probably 100+ girls dating back 15 years to when I was 13. No one knows, I try to put on my best happy face when I'm out and about. But underneath my soul is absolutely crushed, my will to succeed smashed to pieces by this neglectful and broken home. Every once in a while that flame to succeed sparks back up, but it never amounts to much. I have a faint hope that things can still be salvaged. Maybe in 10 years I can look back and shake my head at how I lived my life and be amazed at my progress. I'd like to have a family and my own house someday. A steady job. But how can I commit to a job and a girl when I can't even keep on top of basic stuff like shaving, haircuts, clean clothes, and showers without having problems?

 

If anyone has been there, I'd appreciate a reply or a private message or something to talk. Thanks for reading.

[pureinheart]

Hey TK,

 

I am soooo sorry for what's up in your life...if you can get tunnel vision and tune out everything around you...find a good roommate and bail when you can.

 

It's hard on you and your parents being in the same household, it sounds like you all are feeling like failures and acting out bigtime.

 

My son started playing Nintendo back in the day...I caught him playing it a 3 am on a school night and picked it up and threw it out the door...it didn't help, he's 30 now and still addicted. He will work, although every other minute is spent playing that freaking game...whatever, you know?

 

Most of us have addictions.,..I have many, yet they do not get in the way of my responsibilities. My addictions have not taken my life over yet and I'm retired now...please don't let anything take you over or control you

[Thekid86]

Luckily I got a call yesterday, not long after I posted this thread, from my old summer job. They are hiring, and I put in application in January since my uncle works there and thought he could get me in. I worked there my summer between freshman and sophomore years in college, then dropped out so I couldn't go back. No call in Jan, Feb, March, April...until yesterday I get a call saying they want me to come back, just for the summer at first but possibly full time. I immediately accepted. I have a physical next Tuesday, hopefully everything checks out. I did smoke some pot 5 days ago, but it should be gone from my system by Tuesday, I've been drinking lots of water and only smoke very occasionally. So if I get this job I'll work hard at it, put in all the overtime and holidays I can, and really push for full time. Live here for a bit longer then move out when I get some savings.

 

It's just really tough being completely surrounded by negativity, enablers, addiction, failure, fighting, and hostility. No one wants to admit they have a problem except me, but I still gamble a ton.

 

Another thing that really has affected me is the different roads my friends have taken. I taught a friend from high school to gamble in 9th grade, he picks it up and with my help starts crushing it. He drops out of college to play poker, and smashed it. I ended up moving in with him and living with him for 2 years, we shared an awesome apartment. But then I ran out of money, I left, but now he has a really nice girlfriend who lives with him and he makes 6 figures playing poker. He's doing really well, and doesn't really owe me anything, but I taught him and got him started, then he just took it and ran with it way beyond me. I've always been jealous that he has a nice girl, an awesome lifestyle, and most of all self control over his gambling while still beating it for a lot over a 5+ year stretch now. All my other friends are living on their own or in college and doing pretty well. I hate to sound arrogant but I run circles around them logically and with respect to stuff like IQ tests and general intelligence.

 

I think my main problem is that I can't focus on anything. I get bored really easily. I do a lot of reading but if I see something is 5 pages long I skip it and read something else shorter. I need to focus, pay attention, and think for myself. I'm very reactionary, if I see someone else do something then I think I can do it too, and I have to do it better than them immediately. I don't know what direction to go.

 

Therapy? What kind? CBT? I've tried Zoloft but it was a general health doctor who prescribed it, with a recommendation from a family friend who was a retired psychiatrist. I've never formally been to therapy. I'm not really against taking pills to help, I'm open to all options including eating healthy/exercise, pills, supplements, therapy, meditation, yoga, or whatever. I just don't always have the patience to follow through and it's really tough, almost impossible.

[Cinnamon2000]

How about from onw on, stop the gambling and excessive porn, and focus on the new job?

 

If you really that smart, how come you can't go back to college and finish that degree?

[Thekid86]

How about from onw on, stop the gambling and excessive porn, and focus on the new job?

 

If you really that smart, how come you can't go back to college and finish that degree?

 

It's easier said than done. The job I'll hopefully be starting won't require much outside of the 40 hours I'll be there per week. It's physical labor but not intense, and no take-home stuff. I'll certainly work any overtime or holidays as I said in my post. But even if I work 60 hours a week that leaves me a lot of free time. All of my friendships are rooted in gambling. I'm not going to stop watching sports anytime soon.

 

I also have big, underlying issues stemming from my messed up home life and being picked on as a kid, stuff ranging from low self-esteem and a lot of self doubt. Can I make it out there on my own? Sadly, you don't just flip a switch and start to feel confident. You can't even just take a pill, although the right one can help a lot. Therapy is needed, as are healthy habits like exercise and diet. I'm really working on my diet and exercise, but it's only been 6 weeks. No big changes yet. I'm just praying that one day I wake up and feel a lot better, that way even if I had a setback I could push through a rough patch and try to feel better. Right now I'm just bouncing along the bottom. I'm waiting to see some real progress, maybe a loss of 5 pounds or a girl notices I'm losing weight or I just have an overall productive day with little time wasted.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working. So I gamble or I search out sex. On one hand, I can't just sit still and enjoy a relaxing night at the movies. On the other, I can't focus on anything long enough to enjoy it. So I go for short, quick thrills like gambling, sex, etc. Luckily never messed with drugs or alcohol other than mild drinking and occasional smoking pot.

[Cinnamon2000]

It's easier said than done. The job I'll hopefully be starting won't require much outside of the 40 hours I'll be there per week. It's physical labor but not intense, and no take-home stuff. I'll certainly work any overtime or holidays as I said in my post. But even if I work 60 hours a week that leaves me a lot of free time. All of my friendships are rooted in gambling. I'm not going to stop watching sports anytime soon.

 

I also have big, underlying issues stemming from my messed up home life and being picked on as a kid, stuff ranging from low self-esteem and a lot of self doubt. Can I make it out there on my own? Sadly, you don't just flip a switch and start to feel confident. You can't even just take a pill, although the right one can help a lot. Therapy is needed, as are healthy habits like exercise and diet. I'm really working on my diet and exercise, but it's only been 6 weeks. No big changes yet. I'm just praying that one day I wake up and feel a lot better, that way even if I had a setback I could push through a rough patch and try to feel better. Right now I'm just bouncing along the bottom. I'm waiting to see some real progress, maybe a loss of 5 pounds or a girl notices I'm losing weight or I just have an overall productive day with little time wasted.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working. So I gamble or I search out sex. On one hand, I can't just sit still and enjoy a relaxing night at the movies. On the other, I can't focus on anything long enough to enjoy it. So I go for short, quick thrills like gambling, sex, etc. Luckily never messed with drugs or alcohol other than mild drinking and occasional smoking pot.

 

How about looking for a hobby or two that's not destructive and takes up your time and energy?

 

Tennis? Running? Dancing? Video Game? Church? Singing?

[Eve]

I turned my life around in my mid twenties mainly by learning to be grateful for the small stuff. Also I moved away from my birth family and changed my name. They are back in my life now but back then they were killing me very slowly and I kept going back for more.

 

I learned that to be succesful mainly involves paying attention to ones surroundings and presentation and really commiting to this business of connecting with others.

 

I utilised various talking therapies to deal with the big stuff from my childhood, got baptised and got on with it. In essence I took responsibility for myself, swearing that the first twenty five years were understandable because of a bad start but that I was responsible for everything after that.

 

It worked. I am 38 and very happy now. I dont have to run away from anything anymore.

 

You need a starting point. The job is good..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[spookie]

You say you're scared you won't be able to make it on your own, but I think sometimes families can be extremely toxic. It's always hard watching the people you love hurt each other. If you get away, you can start living life on your terms.

 

IMO it's not that hard to support yourself. If I were you, I'd move to a cheap part of the country, find a job that payed the bills even if it was just waiting tables, and just focus on making improvements in a new, healthy environment.

 

If you're concerned about getting more in gambling and porn, you can avoid getting the internet. I was extrememely addicted to the internet, and would stay up all night browsing, loveshacking, and watching porn, thereby rendering myself useless the next day, and when I moved to a new city, I just never called to get it installed at my apt. I missed it like crazy, but it basically forced me to do healthier things, like work out, study, or spend time with friends.

 

I think your social issues will go away with time, as you feel more confident because your life is more in order. But I really think it would help to get away from your family, and start with a clean slate, somewhere new.

 

If you'd like a recommendation for where to move, I think Austin, TX is the ultimate place to be poor. Housing is cheap, it's a town where you can have fun without spending money, and there are lots of young people around. Find a roommate, a crappy, and just avoid your vices for a year or two. Then maybe you can look into going back to school.