Fighting for Mom's love and approval...

[dennisflorida]

It's funny. My Mother is the youngest of 3 other sisters. Grandma

takes favorites. My Mom is ALWAYS doing whatever she can to

please my Grandma. My Grandma plays games and for some reason or

another always has an excuse and says she's busy or has an appointment

or it's just not a good time...whenever my Mom asks to go and visit, bring

food, buy them groceries, etc. Sometimes my Mom just Shows Up uninvited

because she feels that if she doesn't, she'll never see her parents. I'm

kinda like, "well if they don't care, why try your hardest to see the both

of them, if they're not willing to make time for you?"

 

That's the point i've gotten to with my Mother. She, my Dad and my

14 yr old Sister live two hours away. They never come up to visit me

and my wife and child who's 3 now. They hardly ever come down and when

they have, it's because they've had something to do in the area. They

also never ask us up to dinner or lunch or anything. Sometimes they've

driven past our town on their way down south and they haven't called

or tried to stop by to see me or our child (their Grandchild). My only

Real communication with my Mom is thru texts (because she's hard to get

a hold of) or thru emails that she doesn't answer right away when i KNOW

she uses the computer daily.

 

I just don't get the lack of interest in spending time with me or our

child. My Mom texts every so often but she NEVER calls. So I haven't

made the effort (when i used to all the time) to try and keep in touch.

I've also not taken our child down either (i've always been the one to

initiate a visit) because it's a 2 hour drive and well, if they show no

real interest other than a toy package every 4 months or so, why

try?

 

So, I haven't tried to be touch....But of course those old hidden feelings

of guilt creep in and I think about going to see them, like as if I'm the

one being bad, the Good Son not going to visit or call his parents like

he should.

 

I don't want to be like my Mom, fighting for her Mother's love when her

Mother obviously isn't making the time to see her.

Edited March 29, 2010 by dennisflorida

[sally4sara]

It is the same in my family. My second oldest uncle and my mom have always vied for the approval of my grandmother with my uncle usually winning out despite him not having any kids.

And it plays out with my brother and I too to an even larger extreme. Things my brother does gets my mother's support but things I do (even similar things) get no response from her - zero, in fact it seems to bother her. My college money went to buying her unemployed BF a truck. She helped pay for my brother going till he dropped out.

 

It has wrecked my relationship with my brother. In the last year he has gotten really nasty with me tho I've never been anything by supportive and helpful to him. The only changes in the last year I can pin it on is that he got married and has a kid on the way (I'm guessing the kid has been born by now but no one has let me know) and he has started to think of our mother as a resource that me and my son and my recent marriage threatened his access to from several states away. He can have her if it soothes his mind. I wasn't getting anything out of keeping ties with her anyway.

 

Look, if the relationship hurts you more than it helps, move on. If they call to make arrangements - cool, but it won't be YOU who caused it. THEY let it wither with their lack of interest. Tell them whats up if you feel guilty about it, but don't be surprised if they just try to give you more guilt and refuse to assume any responsibility in the diminished relationship. You know if you would prefer things to be different, and you know what effort you've put in to making it different. Don't buy into the guilt by doubting yourself and your intentions.

[sally4sara]

Your kid will also not be witnessing the dynamic. They won't be seeing you competing with siblings for the attention of your parents. This dynamic is also a bad cycle, to break it for them, they need to not be exposed to it like you were.