how do I deal with my brother?

[shadowplay]

My older brother is 28 and in medical school. He lives at home and commutes. I'm home this week from school and he's driving me crazy. Basically he makes a point of trying to put me down whenever he's around me.

 

A few things about him. He has Asperger Syndrome and he's also extremely immature. When he's around me he acts no differently from when he was 12. He teases me relentlessly, but not in an "all in good fun" kind of way. It's more vicious.

 

He basically takes everything I'm insecure about and throws it in my face. Like he'll call me an underachiever and a bad student and laugh about it. He knows I have body dysmorphia, and he'll say I'm ugly under his breath or make up/point out flaws in my appearance. He'll remind me how I'm so much older than anyone else at my university (because I took time off) and call me an old lady. It's constant. Whenever I'm within five feet of him, he starts up again. I just tell him to shut up, but he won't relent. My father starts yelling at him, but it never helps.

 

I do absolutely everything I can to avoid him (I hardly interact with him at all), but there's only so much I can do when I'm visiting my family. Even when I have my door locked and I'm studying he'll start yelling insults at me from the hallway. I have to keep the door locked because he does this thing where he bursts into my room randomly just to make me jump.

 

I'm scared to even bring my boyfriend over because I know my brother will make a point of completely embarrassing me in every way. I'm also embarrassed by him and the way he behaves. I think my boyfriend would be completely shocked if he saw my brother in action because he comes from a normal, happy family and he's close to his brother.

 

My mother is in denial about how bad he is. She always defends him, even when he rips me apart in front of her.

 

I feel like I don't even have a brother anymore. When he was a little boy he was extremely sweet, but then something snapped in him and he turned into this other person. I love him and I wish we had some sort of relationship, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. He just hurts me so much and makes me feel like crap.

 

Any advice on how to handle this?

Edited March 16, 2010 by shadowplay

[sally4sara]

Your brother obviously feels inferior to you on some level. Perhaps it is due to the inherent short-coming he deals with in having Aspergers? And now that you're home, he feels you're intruding on his territory and full reign over the house and parental support.

 

From my admittedly limited understanding of Asperger Syndrome, he struggles to identify with the feelings and emotions other people experience? this is probably why he doesn't realize how close to the bone his comments come and thinks you are stronger than your feelings over his comment would imply. Can you have a productive discussion with him? Is he educated enough on what Aspergers is to understand his words can hurt you even if words don't effect him in the same way?

[shadowplay]

Your brother obviously feels inferior to you on some level. Perhaps it is due to the inherent short-coming he deals with in having Aspergers? And now that you're home, he feels you're intruding on his territory and full reign over the house and parental support.

 

From my admittedly limited understanding of Asperger Syndrome, he struggles to identify with the feelings and emotions other people experience? this is probably why he doesn't realize how close to the bone his comments come and thinks you are stronger than your feelings over his comment would imply. Can you have a productive discussion with him? Is he educated enough on what Aspergers is to understand his words can hurt you even if words don't effect him in the same way?

 

The problem is it's nearly impossible to have a serious conversation with him. It's like trying to have an adult conversation with an unruly child.

[sally4sara]

Then the only other alternative I have for you isn't such a nice one even if it would appear nice to a normal person.

A friend of mine had a sister with AS. Whenever the girl would annoy my friend, she would try to smother her sister with hugs and kisses. Not because she wanted to be affectionate, but because such show of emotion really wigged her sister out. She had noticed over the years that her sister would become scarce when huggy people would come over and used it to her advantage.

If you want to bring your BF over, just smother your bro with hugs and kisses and tell your BF to do the same.

[threebyfate]

Most, if not all Aspies, lack compassion, empathy and social skills in general. He sounds like he enjoys power over you, or at minimum, wants attention, any way he can get it.

 

Your mother has to get onside with this and in some way, control it by not enabling this type of behaviour. Sit down with her and have a serious adult-to-adult talk about how it's affecting your emotional well-being. She's a professional and should be able to understand.

[linwood]

Have your boyfriend kick his ass the next time he pulls this crap.

 

He`ll stop.

[DaisyLeigh]

How the hell is he going to be a doctor if he lacks compassion?

[DaisyLeigh]

One more thing. I will bet that you are not the oldest person at your college. I was 39 when I went back for my degree, and I was not the oldest person at my college, either.

[ADF]

One of the hallmarks of Aspberger's Syndrome is the inability to catch social cues or assess appropriate from inappropriate behavior. There's probably not much you can do to change your brother. Spend as little time around him as possible.

[shadowplay]

Well, I tried talking to my mother and she got really defensive about the idea that she might being enabling his behavior. I felt immediately bad after mentioning anything because I could see how awful she feels about the way he's turned out. It's true that he's an adult and she really can't control him anymore. I also feel bad for my brother. I don't know why he's like this, but it just seems to be something in his wiring that might have been encouraged by nurture.

 

I guess there's really nothing I or anyone can do, but it makes me so sad because when my parents are gone he'll be the only family I have.

[burning 4 revenge]

How the hell is he going to be a doctor if he lacks compassion?

Compassion is a liability for a doctor

[burning 4 revenge]

Well, I tried talking to my mother and she got really defensive about the idea that she might being enabling his behavior. I felt immediately bad after mentioning anything because I could see how awful she feels about the way he's turned out. It's true that he's an adult and she really can't control him anymore. I also feel bad for my brother. I don't know why he's like this, but it just seems to be something in his wiring that might have been encouraged by nurture.

 

I guess there's really nothing I or anyone can do, but it makes me so sad because when my parents are gone he'll be the only family I have.

What about extended family? Are you close to any of your cousins?

 

Its ironic you wrote about this because I was thinking about complaining about a cousin of mine who I think of as a brother but I'm not sure what to even say.

 

Family is important though, perhaps the most important thing in life alongside your physical health. The world can be a cold and lonley place

[DaisyLeigh]

Compassion is a liability for a doctor

 

 

What? I have known many doctors who were compassionate.

 

So, he should treat his patients like he does his sister? He won't keep patients that way.

[threebyfate]

Well, I tried talking to my mother and she got really defensive about the idea that she might being enabling his behavior. I felt immediately bad after mentioning anything because I could see how awful she feels about the way he's turned out. It's true that he's an adult and she really can't control him anymore. I also feel bad for my brother. I don't know why he's like this, but it just seems to be something in his wiring that might have been encouraged by nurture.

 

I guess there's really nothing I or anyone can do, but it makes me so sad because when my parents are gone he'll be the only family I have.

Without her support, your brother will continue doing whatever he's been doing since there are no real consequences for his actions. Hopefully in talking to her, she's going to be more aware but from the sounds of it, being defensive, I doubt it.

 

One thing's for certain, parents who have children who have a handicap of any kind, try too hard to compensate. Not too long ago, I finally got through to my mother, that she compensated for my oldest brother who is hearing impaired. While he's a decent guy, who's done well in life, he could have been better had she not done so.

[Els]

Uh. Honestly, if it was me, I'd just give him a slap and hurt him back verbally the next time he does that (not screaming and showing emotion, but in a cold, heartless fashion). People like this aren't ever going to stop unless you either blatantly show that he's not getting to you, or reinforce bad consequences for doing so. I'm guessing the former isn't really possible in your case - it wouldn't be for me too.

 

Not the nicest thing to do, but I've found it to work. I consider it discipline. You and he can start working on your relationship and his problems if and when he stops taking it out on you.

Edited March 17, 2010 by Elswyth

[Star Gazer]

What? I have known many doctors who were compassionate.

 

So, he should treat his patients like he does his sister? He won't keep patients that way.

 

I know it's just a TV show, but on Grey's Anatomy there was a surgeon who was an aspie, and she was a great surgeon because of it. She was literal, no emotion. (But that didn't make her have a good bedside manner.)

 

Uh. Honestly, if it was me, I'd just give him a slap and hurt him back verbally the next time he does that (not screaming and showing emotion, but in a cold, heartless fashion). People like this aren't ever going to stop unless you either blatantly show that he's not getting to you, or reinforce bad consequences for doing so. I'm guessing the former isn't really possible in your case - it wouldn't be for me too.

 

Not the nicest thing to do, but I've found it to work. I consider it discipline. You and he can start working on your relationship and his problems if and when he stops taking it out on you.

 

I try to take the higher road, but in this situation, this is exactly what I'd do. I'd verbally hit him where it would hurt.

 

Then, I'd also tell myself that since he has no filter, his words are the worst it could ever get. That would help me cope. Does that make sense?

[GorillaTheater]

I kind of like the "smothering him with hugs and kisses" suggestion when he acts like an ass. And also doing it randomly just to keep him on his toes.

[Micki]

I guess there's really nothing I or anyone can do, but it makes me so sad because when my parents are gone he'll be the only family I have.

 

What about your cousins, uncles, aunts, and possible children, a spouse, and in-laws in the future?

 

They are your family as well.

 

Why do you only consider a sibling your only family?

 

Aunts and uncles are the siblings of your parents. And cousins are the nieces and nephews of your parents. You share grandparents with cousins. They are your family, too.

 

Close friends can be your family as well.

Edited March 20, 2010 by Micki

[shadowplay]

What about your cousins, uncles, aunts, and possible children, a spouse, and in-laws in the future?

 

They are your family as well.

 

Why do you only consider a sibling your only family?

 

Aunts and uncles are the siblings of your parents. And cousins are the nieces and nephews of your parents. You share grandparents with cousins. They are your family, too.

 

Close friends can be your family as well.

 

I don't have any cousins that I actually know. My dad isn't close at all to his family, so I haven't met most of the cousins on that side of the family. I have two uncles that I'm pretty close to, but they won't be around forever. I think there's a good chance I'll marry my current boyfriend of four months and I really love him. Maybe we'll have kids one day (we talk about that from time to time), but even then it would make me really sad to not have much of an immediate or extended family left. Luckily, my boyfriend is really close to his family so maybe they'll consider adopting me.

[threebyfate]

shadowplay, what I'm smelling, is the distinct odour of your mother putting guilt onto you, that you should and will be responsible for your brother.

[Micki]

I have two uncles that I'm pretty close to, but they won't be around forever.

That’s true. However, siblings won’t be around forever, either. No one is guaranteed to be around forever, regardless of age. Unfortunately, some people die young.

Also, do the two uncles (whom you are close to) have any kids? If so, why not become close to their kids, who are your cousins?

I think there's a good chance I'll marry my current boyfriend of four months and I really love him. Maybe we'll have kids one day (we talk about that from time to time), but even then it would make me really sad to not have much of an immediate or extended family left. Luckily, my boyfriend is really close to his family so maybe they'll consider adopting me

Well, that’s great if you and your boyfriend get married. I wish you well. Also, I consider my kids and spouse my immediate family. And maybe you can get to know some of the other cousins whom you don’t know. People make new friends everyday. Why not make a friend with a relative or family member (your cousins)?

 

Strangers can become friends, especially family members who are strangers.

Edited March 20, 2010 by Micki

[togetyourexlove]

I have a sister and she does not like me a lot so when she is going to get married next month i am wondering whether i should buy to buy her a gift or not?

[Kenyth]

I kind of like the "smothering him with hugs and kisses" suggestion when he acts like an ass. And also doing it randomly just to keep him on his toes.

 

Exactly. You have to do things he doesn't expect and remove the reward of a reaction. His opinion shouldn't mean much to you at this point, so try to treat it like the ramblings of a lunatic.

 

When he's done with smart comments, smile and say, "Oh, that's so sweet of you to be concerned for me!". Wink and blow him a kiss. Then go back to reading or having a conversation like nothing has happened.

 

He'll propbably get more aggressive in his verbal abuse at this point. Just look sympathetic for him, nod and say patronizing things things like "hmmmm...OK". When he's done say, "Sweetie, you should probably calm down. You're getting all excited again. Can I make you some tea or something?"

 

It may not work, but it removes the gratification from the act. Unless he's really off balance, removing the fun of a reaction will cause him to taper off.

[shadowplay]

It's weird because my brother had a lot of empathy as a little boy. He used to get teased in grade school because he would hug other kids who were sad. He also used to hug/comfort me when I was crying and he would also hold me when I was crying. In fact, I have a distinct memory of being in a crib crying and seeing him appear at the door and stopping because he made me feel safe. I don't know what happened to that little boy. Maybe too much abuse by other kids beat it out of him. Or maybe it was the onset of AS with puberty (maybe it gets worse as the brain develops).