jealousy

[clairvoyant]

My husband and I got married in June of 2002. We're concerned about one of his sisters. We're not sure what do to about her jealousy toward our relationship. My husband's name is Danny and the sister I am talking about is Jenny. Danny and Jenny are seven years apart in age; he is 26 and she is going to be 19 in Feb. Although they got along when they were younger, they really didn't do much stuff together. The extent of stuff they did together had to do with occasional family outings and occasional half hour trips to pick something up at the store.

Recently, Jenny sent Danny an e-mail about me. She told him that she doesn't know me very well. She said all she really knows is that I am someone that lives with him and that I am an "alright" person. I could go on and on with stuff she said, but I won't. Basically, her e-mail used our marriage as a reason for him not seeing her very much and for him not being as nice to her.

As far as him not being as nice to her after we got married, he has no idea what she is talking about. He didn't see her very much before we were married, so her claim that he stopped seeing her when we got married isn't valid either. He hasn't lived at home for about ten years now…

Anyway, when he replied to her he defended me and went on to tell her that she is not to talk about me to him ever again. She replied to him and said that his judgment is "clouded" because I am his wife. She also said this, and I am quoting her: "Maybe it is selfish of me because u love her more, but #$*& danny, don't just give it all to her. *&*^@#$ realize that there is still me and others left that would like a little too. " Sorry, I had to insert symbols to cover up of her wonderful language... She sounds fairly jealous to both me and to Danny. We're not sure how to handle her. Any suggestions?

[yes]

considering she's 19, which is a hard and vulnerable age for a lot of people, i think it'd be a good idea for Danny to take her out for lunch, and talk to her. perhaps something crappy is happening in her life, and she needs to talk or what-not.

 

the fact that she's badmouthing you is annoying, but again, she's 19, and apparently she doesn't know how to deal with things respectfully and politely, so why not teach her?

 

if the lunch goes well, perhaps you can invite her over so that both of you spend time with her.

 

i'm not sure why, but my guess is something unpleasant is happening in her life, and she's looking for somebody to blame & direct her negative vibes towards. and perhaps if you can give her some support and attention, you can develop a good relationship with her.

 

if you try to deal with her nicely, and she remains disrespectful, you have no choice but to get her out of your life, i suppose. perhaps speak with her parents about it, first?

 

please let us know what you do and how it goes.

 

that's my two cents,

-yes

[clairvoyant]

Danny did talk to her, but he didn't try the "take her out to lunch" approach. Maybe I'll suggest that he try that too. When he talked to her, she told him that she has trouble accepting and trusting people. I guess she had some bad experiences with people in high school. She describes herself as "hard" because of those experiences. We're unclear as to what she means when she says she's "hard". I wondered before the talk if there wasn't something else on her mind causing her to act the way she did. We also figure he age is a big factor.

 

Either way, even at her age, I couldn't believe that she thought it would be okay to talk about me to Danny. Talking about your sister-in-law to your brother is a line I don't think should be crossed. I just remember back to when I was her age, about four years ago. I knew better than to be disrespectful like that; no one had to tell me. My husband couldn't believe she did it either.

 

Her indifference towards me bothers me because I have been nice to her. She calls and e-mails me frequently needing help with her chemistry. I go out of my way to help her. I have literally spent hours with her on the phone and via the internet helping her to understand her chemistry. I also send her e-mail asking how she is doing and telling her what is going on with us. She rarely responds with anything other than chemistry questions.

 

She complains she doesn't know me very well, yet the just about only times I hear from her is when she needs something. I've told her that too and it hasn't changed a thing. She's the same way with Danny. We can't think of one time that she has called him wanting to just talk. He has mentioned it to her too and she keeps it up.

 

I can't explain why she would only contact either of us when she wants something, especially when we have mentioned it to her. I written off some of her other behaviors as being related to the fact that she looks up to Danny. I know I looked at to my brother when I was her age, and I still do. I don't express it like she does, though. When I talk to her she'll find ways to mention Danny, even when what we are talking about has nothing to do with him. Like one day she was telling me about some guy she was going to go out with and she said this guy has the same build as Danny. Another time she told me that she doesn't care what she says to people when she argues with them unless the person is Danny. She always works in stuff like that. It kind of gives me the creeps because sometimes she sounds like she has a crush on him or something. Are those kinds of comments indicative of her looking up to him or what?

[Ally Boo]

She's just reaching out for help at your expense. There is no reason you should be threatened by her. Encourage him to talk to her and find out what it is that is hurting her. He may be one of the few people she feels like she CAN trust.

[sumdude]

Sounds like she may be worried that her brother will have no time for her at all now that he's married. Others also mentioned the point that she may be going through something and has no one to help her with it. Don't take what she said about you too badly. it sounded pretty tame. It could be a lot worse. She could be like my older sister and openly say downright nasty things about my girl to all sorts of people because of jealosy or whatever else.