Supporting my parents at 25!

[Isabella82]

Please anyone. I just need someone's help. This situation is so complicated so I'll try to summarize as much as I can.

 

My mom is disabled with a broken back and is on a lot of pain medication due to 3 back surgeries going wrong. She will be disabled forever, she is worse off now than before any of her surgeries and no doctor will do back work on her again.

 

My dad is a 42 yr old man who in my opinion is just plain lazy. He never works. All he does is sit on his a** and watches tv and smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a day. My mom claims he is "too sick" to work. Except for the fact that he has always been that way. Before my mom's back was broken she worked 3 jobs, while he did nothing.

 

Now my grandpa who is 81 works full-time to support my parents. He has been doing this since my mom's 1st surgery about 10 yrs ago. However he is getting too old and will pretty soon be unable to give my parents $

 

My mom does nothing but cry to me and my brothers about not giving her money. She says we are horrible kids. This hurts me very much. I wish I could help but I'm only 25 and I have my own bills to worry about.

 

They live in this 4 bedroom house that I tell them they need to sell because they can't afford it. They have every single cable tv you could get. They smoke about 3 packs of cigarettes a day. And like I said my dad who does nothing. They lie and tell everyone that he does "side jobs" but the truth is he does nothing. Bill collectors are always calling the house. My mom gets served court papers all the time. Then she calls up one of her kids and cries for money.

 

I am about to go insane! I just don't know what to do. I want to help but I can't. My mom doesn't understand that me putting $5000 on a credit card is not real $

 

What would you do if this was your family? Am I really a bad daughter?

 

I will add one more thing. I finally got my mom to tell me why my dad doesn't work, and she said it was because he has a disease. He is addicted to her pain medication. To me this is not an excuse! Then when I don't give them my $ he calls me scum.

 

Please help!!!!

[Nevermind]

 

I don't think you're a bad daughter.

 

Can you arrange a meeting with your siblings and your grandfather? You need to stand united in order to make some changes. All of you together have bigger chances, because this way they can't turn to anyone else.

 

Your father needs to go to rehab and get rid of his addiction. His wife has a broken back for crying out loud. She worked before, now it's his time. He also needs to find a job, but this comes after rehab. I'd suggest therapy as well, because it might be too hard for him to overcome a lifetime of laziness on his own.

 

The house...it should be sold or rented, preferebly the last one because like this you're not losing something that might be the biggest assistence in their old age. Are they living alone or with your grandfather? If your grandfather is living on his own, maybe they should move together? At 81 he could soon need assistence with his life, although he is probably very strong. Working at his age is nothing he should be obliged to. I am a bit angry at your parents for letting an old man slave for them.

 

You should not give them money right now, this is only enabling them to continue in this way. I don't blame your mother, she can't change her body, but your father is a lazy bum.

 

What you should do as a family, you and your siblings, is to see about their situation and offer them advice on how to improve it. But this is it. Unless they are in dire need, do not send them money.

 

Btw, is your dad your real father? How old were your parents when they got you and your siblings?

[curiousnycgirl]

I can tell you what I did - all the wrong things! My parents are similar to yours, except my mother never worked - and they both live far beyond the means of my father's income.

 

I began helping them out once I got my first job, at age 12. Every penny I ever earned, they would NEED. I was that kid who never asked for anything, I always went without - because I knew my parents would say yes, but would not really be able to afford it. (Like your folks mine live in a 3 bdrm condo half a block from Park Avenue - in other words way more than they can afford, and more than they need).

 

Every year or so my parents would come to me with a new crisis, and I would pay. These amounts ranged anywhere from a low $400, to well over $10,000. Finally about 6 years ago I put my foot down and told them that either they open their accounts for my review, so we could have an intelligent planning discussion about it, or I was done. Nope that didn't work either.

 

I finally told them this was it - I give them $2K a month and they are not allowed to ask for a penny more. I simply cannot afford it. Finally 1.5 years ago I was able to start doing something for me, I finally bought myself a house. (bizarre thing about all of this is that they never expect money from my siblings - nor do my siblings volunteer to help me, not that they can).

 

So my bottom line is this - if you start, you will not be able to stop. They will continue to take and take, and you will not be able to build anything for yourself.

 

Trust me I have heard it all - I am a bad daughter, kids all over the world support their parent, etc. Frankly that is BS - kids all over the world do not support their parents in a lifestyle better than those kids can actually afford. And those places in the world where such things happen, it is all cash - not credit!

 

Please learn from my mistakes -do not enter into this cycle. Trust me when I say it is no win!

[witabix]

You do have a responsibility for your parents. They also have a responsibility for you, and themselves.

 

Curiousnycgirl has a point, in that assisting them to stay in their current position will only prolong the misery for you all.

 

Your parents situation sounds really bad, I am sure thay are not bad people, just having a bad time of it. I am also sure you understand this.

 

It is my contention that your responsiblity here is limited to attempting to get both of them to understand what THEIR problem(s) is/are.

 

That will not be easy for sure. Curious made a good point, a family meeting, I would however include your parents in it. There may be a strong reluctance for all the family members to meet, and it may get fractious, but it may help if you facilitate the meeting with an air of non-accusatory language.

 

Let your parents find the root cause of THEIR problem.

 

At 25 you should not have to deal with this and at 81 your Grandfather shouldn't either, both of you may have to step away from it in the end to allow the 'enabling' to stop.

 

Seek some professional help, for yourself as well if you need to, there are plenty of counsellors who have seen similar situations.

[Isabella82]

Thank you so much for replies! I really appreciate it. I drive myself crazy just thinking about the whole situation. I feel like I have no one to talk to, besides my brothers and we have different views on it.

 

Like curious said my parents always took my money too. Whatever people put away for my college... Gone. I put myself through college which I am very proud of myself for doing so when you see where I came from. But now that I have a bachelors my mom thinks that I make a lot of money. She even called me a doctor the other day not realizing that its only a BS not a doctorate. I'm the only one who has gone to college besides my brother.

 

She seems to think that I'll be financially fine because I'm a college graduate. That just makes me laugh! I owe a lot of $ for someone my age.

 

I am glad I have you people here in loveshack. I have never met anyone in my situation before. My mother is from Colombia and she says to me, in Colombia children take care of their parents, and she tells me how my grandpa is disappointed in me and disgusted that I don't help.

 

To answer the Q he is my step-dad. Met him when I was 4. My mom turns 50 this month. I get really upset because I love my mother but I don't want to enable them.

 

One of my brothers was trying to help them, but he just lost his job. My other brother just came back from Iraq and the first thing she said to him was about $.

 

He said no, then my mom talks about killing herself and all the things she did for us when we were children. She was not a terrible mom, but I remember her substance abuse. Her or my step dad drivng drunk in the car with us in the backseat. My grandparents were the only ones in our lives that provided us with anything.

 

My grandpa lives on the east and we live in the mid-west. She doesn't want to move over there. They don't want to sell the house. Whether I like it or not it will be one day my problem. I have not asked my parents any $ since I was 15. I have worked full-time through college. I bought my 1st car with no help. I just want someone to tell me I am doing good. I want a break from reality.

 

Thanks for your help.

[Nevermind]

Whether I like it or not it will be one day my problem.

 

No, it won't. They didn't help you with your education, and you say you've been financially on your own since 15. They put your life in jeopardy for DUI. You do not owe them anything.

 

What about your real father? Do you have contact with him? He could be a shoulder to go to when things get rough. You do not need to stay in contact with your mother and step dad if they are abusing your generosity.

 

She doesn't live in Colombia, and I doubt your grandfather is mad at you. He is working for his daughter and her lazy husband, why should he be mad at you of all people? Offer your help in reorganizing their finances, but leave it at that. When they are not getting help any longer, they will sell the house.

[witabix]

Thank you so much for replies! I really appreciate it. I drive myself crazy just thinking about the whole situation. I feel like I have no one to talk to, besides my brothers and we have different views on it.

 

Like curious said my parents always took my money too. Whatever people put away for my college... Gone. I put myself through college which I am very proud of myself for doing so when you see where I came from. But now that I have a bachelors my mom thinks that I make a lot of money. She even called me a doctor the other day not realizing that its only a BS not a doctorate. I'm the only one who has gone to college besides my brother.

 

She seems to think that I'll be financially fine because I'm a college graduate. That just makes me laugh! I owe a lot of $ for someone my age.

 

I am glad I have you people here in loveshack. I have never met anyone in my situation before. My mother is from Colombia and she says to me, in Colombia children take care of their parents, and she tells me how my grandpa is disappointed in me and disgusted that I don't help.

 

To answer the Q he is my step-dad. Met him when I was 4. My mom turns 50 this month. I get really upset because I love my mother but I don't want to enable them.

 

One of my brothers was trying to help them, but he just lost his job. My other brother just came back from Iraq and the first thing she said to him was about $.

 

He said no, then my mom talks about killing herself and all the things she did for us when we were children. She was not a terrible mom, but I remember her substance abuse. Her or my step dad drivng drunk in the car with us in the backseat. My grandparents were the only ones in our lives that provided us with anything.

 

My grandpa lives on the east and we live in the mid-west. She doesn't want to move over there. They don't want to sell the house. Whether I like it or not it will be one day my problem. I have not asked my parents any $ since I was 15. I have worked full-time through college. I bought my 1st car with no help. I just want someone to tell me I am doing good. I want a break from reality.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Ok, some of that sounds manipulative on your mothers part. That is totally unfair on you.

 

As Nevermind said, you are not in Columbia, and if you were it would not change the facts.

 

You are young, your life ahead of you, it is unfair and unacceptable that your parents would try to steal that away from you. I would guess there is a little resentment at you, and shame in them, for this present situation.

 

Tell your mother you love her, I assume you do, don't let hate creep in here. Be compassionate but keep your own life, and do not let your compassion or her blackmail drag you down.

 

It is difficult for you to see perhaps, that this is not your problem in the end. They are adults who through no fault of their own, have fallen into a spiral. It may be best to let the cold harsh realities of the real world wake them up from it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Like curious said my parents always took my money too. Whatever people put away for my college... Gone. I put myself through college which I am very proud of myself for doing so when you see where I came from. But now that I have a bachelors my mom thinks that I make a lot of money. She even called me a doctor the other day not realizing that its only a BS not a doctorate. I'm the only one who has gone to college besides my brother.

 

She seems to think that I'll be financially fine because I'm a college graduate. That just makes me laugh! I owe a lot of $ for someone my age.

 

To answer the Q he is my step-dad. Met him when I was 4. My mom turns 50 this month. I get really upset because I love my mother but I don't want to enable them.

 

One of my brothers was trying to help them, but he just lost his job. My other brother just came back from Iraq and the first thing she said to him was about $.

 

He said no, then my mom talks about killing herself and all the things she did for us when we were children. She was not a terrible mom, but I remember her substance abuse. Her or my step dad drivng drunk in the car with us in the backseat. My grandparents were the only ones in our lives that provided us with anything.

 

My grandpa lives on the east and we live in the mid-west. She doesn't want to move over there. They don't want to sell the house. Whether I like it or not it will be one day my problem. I have not asked my parents any $ since I was 15. I have worked full-time through college. I bought my 1st car with no help. I just want someone to tell me I am doing good. I want a break from reality.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

OY your situation sounds so much like mine it is scary. My parents also spent all the money my uncle gave them for my education and they think the same about my income. I'm a somewhat senior person in a major global company - therefore they think I must be making millions. The reality is that money is finite - and frankly my parents will never understand that.

 

Firstly if your mother were living in Columbia, and you were expected to support her (although I highly doubt that at their ages) - then you would expect to move them into your home. It would not mean that you would have to support a 4 bedroom home.

 

Additionally parents whose children take care of them, do not spend frivolously and run up bills so that collectors are calling. Frankly they don't have addiction issues either.

 

If you want to help your mother, because she is disabled, fine - go for it. But she needs to shed her sorry excuse for a husband. For goodness sake, he is my age - he most definitely CAN earn a living! There is no reason for you to support a drug addict - he just has no excuse!

 

Isabllea - I know how hard it is to say no - trust me I've paid a lot of money to a therapist to try to get stronger (and I am still weak). It is why I am posting here - I am praying that you learn from my mistakes and find the strength (as your brother did) to just say no.

 

Trust me it has impacted my life very very badly. I am now 42 years old, with no husband and no children. One significant reason for that is that I was afraid to bring anyone else into this mess. Plus I never felt economically ready for the whole family thing, I was always broke because of my parents' always taking. About 11 years ago I was dating a man I wanted to have a family with - however he would not consider it unless I cut my parents of completely.

 

Don't let this be you. Live your life for YOU. Please learn from my mistakes and do not turn into me!

[witabix]

Don't let this be you. Live your life for YOU. Please learn from my mistakes and do not turn into me!

 

Something tells me this one of the most heartfelt pleas ever on LS.

 

Curiousnycgirl you have my respect for sharing this bitter information.

[TheSilentType]

I feel terrible for you.

 

Parents like this are absolute scum, and should be arrested or should have been sterilized before they could give birth to kids.

 

You should cut this poison out of your life, and make yourself a cut about these people.

 

The quicker you escape these people and cut them out of your life, the better it will be for you.

[Isabella82]

curiousnycgirl

 

Thanks. I'm so glad your on loveshack. It is hard for me too. I feel like no one will want to be with me. I come from no money. I have a dead end job, and parents that are crazy.

 

I mean like you said. I don't want to bring anyone else into this mess. They won't understand. I'm trying to build my own life and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. I can just sit here and cry for my mother.

 

I feel like in this world I am all alone. Who do I have if I need money?? No one but myself. Well curiousnycgirl you seem to be doing well for yourself. I wasn't going to bring up the whole bf/husband issue but you are right. This is effecting all parts of my life. I am sure my brother and his wife have had many issues with this as well.

 

How are your parents now? I just know that one day something really bad will happen. Like they will be out on the street or something.

[curiousnycgirl]

Here is the amazing thing - people need to hit rock bottom before they will actually do something to really fix the situation. So by consistently helping them out, we are doing nothing more than delaying their recovery.

 

My parents are doing a bit better now. I had to get my sister on board because while they never hit her up (for cash) as badly as they hit me - they were starting.

 

I now give them a fixed amount every month - and tell them to screw off if they want anymore. There are a number of "oopsies" from a number of years ago that I insist they pay me back for, this was after I put my foot down on emergencies. One was where they had my sister sign as a guarantor on a loan, so when they didn't pay it was affecting her credit - so I paid the bill. And other like that. I haven't seen a dime, but it comes up fairly regularly.

 

They will never learn - but I have found that a bit of balance, as I am doing as much as I am willing to do without compromising my own life too much. It is still tight, but doable.

 

While our parents are saying the same things (like we are terrible children) the drivers however are very different. My parents only care about the superficial and how things look to others - so they need to buy more stuff to look good (in their opinions only), your parents are supporting a drug habit. Cut them off!!!!!

 

Do for your self because no one else will. I know your debt seems insurmountable right now, but keep plugging away and you will make progress. PM me anytime you need a pep talk. I'm here for you!

[Isabella82]

Thanks so much for everyones concern. It is a living nightmare for me. The other day she wanted me to put a security system in the house. $5000 on my credit, and she said to me oh well I'll give a 40/month. Haha really its halirious. Then she wanted $2500 for one medication that she needed. She couldn't wait until her insurance went through the following week. I told her no, then she has my 81 yr old grandpa calling me asking me to put it on my credit. He promised HE would pay me back. He did of course but its ridiculous!

 

Yeah people do things when they hit rock bottom but in my eyes if your living off of an 81 yr old man, because you are just lazy and you think you are too good to get a job isn't that already rock bottom? He should be ashamed of himself.

 

He has said things to me like when you are in the real world you will understand. In my mind I am in the real world, he is living in fantasy land. He is blaming it on everyone but himself. Oh its his dad's fault for not helping him, oh its the doctors fault for not giving him enough medication. I feel like telling him to grow the F up! I seriously hate him.

 

My grandpa just had a stroke and guess what. He went to work after 2 days. He has to. What a POS my step dad is. Good for nothing.

 

I offered to move my bf and me in there and pay them rent. My dad said no, but then wants me to help him clean up a room so that he can rent it out to a complete stranger! Ha

 

My mom has no more teeth because of her meds. They hurt her really bad. She needs $5000-$10000 she always asks us. I say to her get mad at ur husband not at us!

 

Curious-

 

Did you ever charge things for ur parents, and if so has it ruined ur credit?

[curiousnycgirl]

$5000 for a security system? No way! Mine was $1,800 and has all the bells and whistles. They are BS'ing you. Also why do they suddenly need a security system? Who is going to cover the monthly costs (that's the real expense).

 

Now $2500 for medicine I would almost understand - I knowing me I would probably have sucked that one up. But that is necessity, the security system is not.

 

I have NEVER EVER taken a loan for my parents. If I've used my credit card, it was never for more than I could pay off that month. Having said that - when they have taken all my available cash, I've occassionally had to rely on credit fo rmy own expenses - but somehow I think of that differently (perhaps a warped mind).

 

Try thinking of it a little differently. Do not give your parents 1 penny more than you can afford to never get back again. I don't know about your situation - but that is the reality of mine, I don't ever get it back, so why bother calling it a loan?

[curiousnycgirl]

Yeah people do things when they hit rock bottom but in my eyes if your living off of an 81 yr old man, because you are just lazy and you think you are too good to get a job isn't that already rock bottom? He should be ashamed of himself.

 

He has said things to me like when you are in the real world you will understand. In my mind I am in the real world, he is living in fantasy land. He is blaming it on everyone but himself. Oh its his dad's fault for not helping him, oh its the doctors fault for not giving him enough medication. I feel like telling him to grow the F up! I seriously hate him.

 

My grandpa just had a stroke and guess what. He went to work after 2 days. He has to. What a POS my step dad is. Good for nothing.

 

I offered to move my bf and me in there and pay them rent. My dad said no, but then wants me to help him clean up a room so that he can rent it out to a complete stranger! Ha

 

My mom has no more teeth because of her meds. They hurt her really bad. She needs $5000-$10000 she always asks us. I say to her get mad at ur husband not at us!

 

Sorry I did not respond to the rest of your post. Rock bottom for them will be when they actually lose something - looks like that will probably be their house.

 

Regarding living with them, let me get this straight - they want you to pay them money for which you get nothing, AND they want to get more money from someone by providing a roof over their heads. Selfish pr*cks.

 

Your grandfather is perpetuating the situation - so I agree they will not hit rock bottom until he stops. Unfortunately from the little you've posted, I would have to guess that will be after he dies.

 

Why won't insurance cover your mother's teeth? And while I'm asking how do they even have insurance if neither one of them is working?

 

I agree I would hate your father - you need to cut him off. Period full stop. He does not have one inkling of what reality is. Clearly he was completely incapable of functioning in the world, so he has retreated to his own private idaho - NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

 

Don't know if you are religious at all, but remember G-d helps those who help themselves - so if they won't do for themselves, why should you?!

[Isabella82]

Exactly its not a loan I know that. If I give her $5000 for dental work, next month it will be something else.

 

I mean bravo for you seriously. I can't do it. I don't have a great job. You said you give them 2k a month.... Well I only make 2k a month LOL.

 

I am glad to see that you are successful! That is awesome. I envy you. I still stress out about my own finances. This is why I even get more stressed out thinking about my crazy parents.

[Isabella82]

Sorry I didnt see the other post.

 

My mom has no dental insurance. Her teeth are BAD I mean rotting. All her back teeth are gone. She has trouble eating and her wieght has dropped down. She is 5ft wieghs prob 90lbs

 

Her health insurance is a whole other issue. My dad I guess you can say cheats the system. He will get a job for maybe a month get the health insurance benefits, and then I guess some jobs will keep you insured for 6 months or up to a year. I am not too sure. She might not have insurance soon, because he has been jobless for 13 months now. So I was debating on whether or not to put her on my health insurance.

 

I feel like all the wieght is on me. My older brother doesn't want to help at all even though he makes the most $. I don't blame him at all. But my mom seriously thinks that we don't love her.

 

Its sad no one wants to go over there or call her because all she does is cry for $, but when no one goes over there she thinks we don't love her.

 

My brother said to my mom I will help you anyway I can (she got all excited) then he said but not financially.

 

It hurts to think that he could at least help a little bit, but he won't. He is too pissed about his childhood. I guess at the naval academy one year he saved up all his $ to come home for Christmas. And she said to him oh send the $ but stay there. He doesn't feel like she loves him.

Edited March 31, 2008 by Isabella82

[curiousnycgirl]

Well the harsh reality of this is that it is quite likely your mother does not love your brother (or you) in the normal, maternal way. If she did she would not allow this to continue, and would have ended it years ago.

 

The truth is that the man she married has been literally bleeding her dry for years - and basically taking food out of the mouths of her children. For whatever messed up reason your mother has lied and covered for him. I'm willing to bet he gives her some type of validation that her ego needs.

 

The behaviour you are describing is somewhat pathologic. It is simply not acceptable for anyone to put their needs and/or desires ahead of everyone else's, and it is unnatural for parents to do that to their kids. (FYI this actually comes from my therapist - I'm not that bright).

 

You are correct I am doing fairly well - although the current market turn is scaring the crud out of me! I worked damn hard to get where I am. I'm fairly confident that it was years of watching the bill collectors, etc come knocking on the door. I never wanted to be in that type of position. My sister is very much the same way, she is completely credit and risk averse. Unforutnately her chosen profession does not pay as well as mine, so I end up helping her out to - but helping her is my pleasure (she is 15 years younger than me).

 

You are at the start of your adulthood and your career - take this time to build the foundation YOU need for a productive and fruitful life. YOU cannot fix your parents, you can however prevent them from dragging you down with them.

[NotKelly]

Isabella, you have a tough situation and my heart goes out to you.

 

I hope you have some support with friends or a significant other in your life. Getting out from under a financially dependent parent is very hard to do all by yourself with no emotional support at all.

 

My dad walked out on my mom and somehow for 15 years I found myself the "go to" daughter for all my mom's problems. (My sister and brother pretty much got to do whatever they wanted, wherever they wanted) Emotional support, financial support, it was all up to me to provide. I live with her because she desperately needs the rent money I pay in order to keep from losing her house. She has had moderate health problems but nothing that would keep her from a part time job (well, she's retired now, but in the past...) She took early retirement some years ago and almost completely stopped working, convinced herself she was too sick to work. Terrible, terrible mistake, bad judgment, bad decision... but it's all water under the bridge, and I could never level with her about it then and there's no point to it now, so I don't.

 

It seems like all I've been doing for the last 15 years is fighting her every step of the way as I was trying to start my own life, and then I wound up with a boyfriend who was bad for me too (another long story I won't bore you with) I think the battle is mostly decided now, as she gets older she is as dependent as ever but wow, years ago, I couldn't even buy myself a new computer without her worrying about how expensive it was (cause it was "our" money I was buying it with - money I'd earned on my job)

 

I look at friends of mine whose parents are helpful and supportive of how they've made their way independently in the world, and I feel so envious and so lonely because they will never understand how much of my energy has gone into fighting to keep my parents and their drama from dragging me down.

 

You must first of all have a savings account which nobody knows about but you, you have to have personal relationships which she is not involved in. There I was 35 years old and lying to her when I left the house to meet with friends, saying I was going shopping alone... pretty sad but it was the only way I could make that space for myself because she would have tried to interject herself even in my social life. So I do not feel guilty about that in the slightest. Whatever way you can do it without breaking the law! In short you have to carve out a life space for yourself because someday, your parents will no longer be alive to either help or impede you.

 

It has gotten to the point in my life where I can (kindly) say to my mother when she gets dollar signs in her eyes about home improvement projects that "have to" be done, "Mom, I'm not going to have any daughters to take care of me when I'm your age, and you will be gone someday and I have to save money for my future." 15 years ago she would have not spoken to me for a week for saying that. It's different now.

 

You're probably not at a point where you can say that to your mom and have her stop bothering you for money... but you really do have to communicate it to them by your own example and being firm. It's really hard. Sometimes I feel like I am the parent and she is the child. I am sorry to say that I have never really had much respect for my mom, she was not a strong role model in my life in terms of teaching me coping skills and so on... but I have tried to look for things now where I can say I'm proud of her and tell her so. She is like a child... but she is not MY child... and I have to remember that.

 

In our society, we are fed a Hallmark card vision of parents in which they are always naturally competent and helpful and their love for a child will always balance out their personal problems when it comes to the net effect on the child's life. Well, unfortunately, this Hallmark card view is not always true. Sometimes in some families, there is just only a little love coming from parents and a lot of burden passed down to the kids. The best thing to do is separate the little love from the lot of burden. That is to say, acknowledge the little turns of love your parents can manage and be happy when they show it... but also do not minimize the burden they are placing on you .. unfortunately that means you have to grow up early and alone. It can be done. There is hope. Good luck to you.

Edited April 4, 2008 by NotKelly

[Shellz937]

Thank you so much for replies! I really appreciate it. I drive myself crazy just thinking about the whole situation. I feel like I have no one to talk to, besides my brothers and we have different views on it.

 

Like curious said my parents always took my money too. Whatever people put away for my college... Gone. I put myself through college which I am very proud of myself for doing so when you see where I came from. But now that I have a bachelors my mom thinks that I make a lot of money. She even called me a doctor the other day not realizing that its only a BS not a doctorate. I'm the only one who has gone to college besides my brother.

 

She seems to think that I'll be financially fine because I'm a college graduate. That just makes me laugh! I owe a lot of $ for someone my age.

 

I am glad I have you people here in loveshack. I have never met anyone in my situation before. My mother is from Colombia and she says to me, in Colombia children take care of their parents, and she tells me how my grandpa is disappointed in me and disgusted that I don't help.

 

To answer the Q he is my step-dad. Met him when I was 4. My mom turns 50 this month. I get really upset because I love my mother but I don't want to enable them.

 

One of my brothers was trying to help them, but he just lost his job. My other brother just came back from Iraq and the first thing she said to him was about $.

 

He said no, then my mom talks about killing herself and all the things she did for us when we were children. She was not a terrible mom, but I remember her substance abuse. Her or my step dad drivng drunk in the car with us in the backseat. My grandparents were the only ones in our lives that provided us with anything.

 

My grandpa lives on the east and we live in the mid-west. She doesn't want to move over there. They don't want to sell the house. Whether I like it or not it will be one day my problem. I have not asked my parents any $ since I was 15. I have worked full-time through college. I bought my 1st car with no help. I just want someone to tell me I am doing good. I want a break from reality.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

You are an excellent daughter. I know how hard it is to put yourself through college and try to survive. You've done a good thing by trying to help your parents out but it's time that they act like adults and not needy kids. Sit down with them and tell them they are going to sell the house and move into one that will better suite their needs. They are in your ball park, not the other way around. You don't have to give them money, it'll be hard because they will place a HUGE guilt trip on you. But you're working your @$$ off in an unfriendly economy, someone has to give and sweety it shouldn't be you. I really hope everything works out.

[Isabella82]

Thank you so much for more replies! I am kind of surprised, but I guess my situation is really uncommon. Like I said no one I know has this problem. Most of my friends still have parents that help them financially. They will complain to me about how their parents won't buy them the car they wanted etc... I just look at them and can't believe how ungrateful they are! I wish we could trade places.

 

Yeah I have always felt that I am my mothers mom and she is my child. It makes me laugh when she says to me stuff like you spent too much on ur car. Ha she has the right to tell me about my finances. Anyways thanks for the support. I'll keep posting. Like I said I have no one to talk to that can relate so this is my only outlet. Thanks guys

[Shellz937]

Hang in there! I know the feeling about the friends. I work three jobs and my parents generously purchased a brand new car for me for christmas which I'm still in shock about. But I also agreed to pay for all insurance payments.

 

Keep up the great work and remain strong!