Did I dig my own grave with my FMIL? Should I even CARE?

[Evil_LOL]

I come from a family that is by no means perfect. This may seem unrelated, but please please read it; it's very important to get a glimpse into the situation.

 

There were some things my father did that made me feel strange as a child. I told my mother, and she called CPS. An investigtion was conducted, and no foul play was found, but even my pediatriciaon told her that I was most likely being sexually abused (I had some stuff going on in my genital area). Now, after the investigation, my father STOPPED any and all weird inappropriate stuff with me, but my half-sis and childhood best friend claimed some weird stuff happened too with them. There is only one thing I can think of that was inappropriate, and that was when he told me about his other woman when I was around 9 years old.

 

All I know is that he was a good father, and tried to show me the good things in life before he stopped working due to illness when I was 12. My mother also tried to get me to associate wtih good people; they both didn't really allow me to hang in the street to avoid me getting into trouble (until I was 14 we lived in a neighborhood that was pretty much just one step above the projects). They placed me in catholic schools isince I was in the 2nd grade. In other words, they tried their hardest to instill morality and decency into me, and they sacrificed for me.

 

Fast forward to 1998-2003, when I started working in "gentlman's clubs". I never accepted money for intercourse, and never danced on stage, but did table and private dances. Starting in the year 2000, I slowly stopped working there as much because I got my ass back to school full time. Since then I have worked as a pre-k teacher,and just completed my first year of grad school in a very intensive program. I've come a long way from being "on the pole"(that's what he calls it).

 

So, that's me and my family, warts and all.

 

Enter fiance and his family. He was raised with a ghetto mentality. Not being uppidy here, since his mother (seemingly) proudly calls herself the "ghetto mommy". She drank when she was pregnant with him, which I suspect is the cause of 2 birth defects, one being hardly no hearing in his left ear. I may be wrong, I am no doctor. She showed him pornography when he was 8 so that "he would never stare at a woman and have people think'oh, you've never sen a woman before?'" and "so that no one could ever tell him he was a bad lover". Well, it happened anyway, becasue I can't stand his constant porno style of sex and want it to be a little sweeter, at least SOME of the time, but according to him, lovemaking is only for special occasions or when a "moment" occurs.

 

 

She stopped working when he was ELEVEN, even though she had 3 boys to support. My fiance could not even go to college because he had to work to support her. She still asks him for money to this day, and he is 32 and works so hard for not that great of a salary.

 

This type of person INFURIATES me, and since I love my fiance it angers me that he cannot be the man he could be because of her. My mother got her education in her country, which was not accepted here so she had to start from scratch and deal with opeople who treated her as if she was stupid because she speaks with a thick accent. She was born and raised her, and couldn't do ANYTHING for herself and her sons (dad commited suicide when he was 3)?

 

Being as outspoken as I am, I have made and I was have made no bones about the fact that I think she royally screwed up with him. In turn, I am called evil, for DARING to speak on HER evil, selfish acts. He tells me that he'd sooner turn against ME for trying to turn him against his mother, and that I am an enemy of his family. I am told that I twist things around to make them bad...um no. Standing on their own her actions, and lack thereof, are pretty crappy. I asked him to please not tell me anything about her anymore if he didn't want to hear what I think anymore, but he insists! Last night was when he revealed (casually, as if it were perfectly fine) that she drank while pregnant with him. I suspected this all along anyway, he didn't have to tell me that.

 

We got into a HUGE blowout and he tried to insult my hardoworking family and tell me that they raised me badly because I ended up "on the pole", mind you, his 2 brothers are deadbeat dads and one is an ex felon.

 

Again, I am not without my issues, I am possessive and get very feisty if he comes to me with his misogynist crap (once he forgot that I told him that I was going out with my cousin earlier in the week, so he called me a slut [it got pretty heated that day]).

 

I made the HUGE mistake of telling FMIL about some of our fights thinking she could talk some sense into him but she took his side, I guess because she is biased. I think it's because he's the only son that helps her out financially.

 

It got violent a few times with him. One of the times I I called the cops and she wanted to chew ME out afterwards. I didn't say much as I didn't want it to get violent with her too. but she was telling me I was not his boss (I'm a dictator if I ask him to pick up his own mess instead of cleaning up after him as if he were a child), that he's not my son, she was playing the hurt role because she claims I said I didn't want her other son in my house (I didn't). I thought she would hit me at one point, and that it would get super ugly. Fiance says I deserve it because I was two faced to her after she took me in and loved me. Yep, two faced is the worst thing you can be, not all the things him and his family are. *eye roll* She said that she tried not to interfere, but that *I* left the door open, well, NO MORE. Anyhow, she pretty much has been keeping her distance ever since.

 

I really hope someone has stuck with this, the longest post I have ever written, and has some insight for me.

[pelagicsands]

I really hope someone has stuck with this, the longest post I have ever written, and has some insight for me.

It's also your only post. Stop bragging.

 

I think you should focus on your relationship with your fiance. Screw everyone else.

[Evil_LOL]

I meant out of all the posts I have ever posted; I post other places too.

 

Anyhow, I'd love to do just that but he tells me we will not be married unless I get along with his family. I am very respectful to them, despite what I feel.

[roxy_1980]

Somehow, don't ask me why, you've managed to find someone more messed up than you are and, well, seem to be sitting on a high horse about it.

 

Both of you need counselling to deal with all of your underlying issues before you even think about getting married.

 

And stop poking fights with his mother. Did you really think that she was going to take your side over her son? Come on, give me a break.

[Trialbyfire]

It's a control issue over the son, between yourself and the FMIL. Is it worth using someone for the prize and if so, why?

[Snuggle Tiger]

He is never going to stop supporting his mom. Making a son chose between a wife and his mom is never a good idea, better you find a man that will not have to make that choice.

 

Besides, if you are already having to get the cops involved, this relationship is going nowhwere.

 

When you marry the man, you marry into the family.

 

RUN AWAY as fast as you can, this has all the makings of a total disaster.