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Trouble with my husband's family

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Old 26th November 2006, 10:38 PM   #1
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Unhappy Trouble with my husband's family

I met a great deal of my husband's extended family for the first time over Thanksgiving, and it was awful! They ignored me for the first ten minutes or so, and I finally just introduced myself (since it didn't seem like my husband had thought of it) and they all just looked at me and grunted, or shrugged, or made some other inclination that they heard me. Then for the rest of the night, the entire family (his mother included) absolutely ignored me! The few times they did talk to me, they talked to me like I was stupid, said intentionally insulting things, and one girl even purposely closed a door in my face!

The next morning, his mother treated me worse than I've ever been treated by a person. She yelled at me, she replied to every thing I had to say with under cutting remarks, and even made my husband write down a new route (which actually was the same one I had planned out) to get home because "(insert my name) doesn't know where she's going" When we left she didn't even say anything to me at all.

My husband later told me she was mad about "how I acted to his family" WHAT? That baffled me! I guess they expected me to act like I knew them my entire life and not be so quiet, but I didn't know what to say to these people who were treating me like this! And the fact that my husbad kept leaving me alone with people who wouldn't even look at me didn't exactly help.

This weekend (we got back here on Friday) his family has been emailing him to tell him how much they hate me (without providing any reason what so ever) and his mother keeps calling to complain about me (and she never had a problem with me before! I met her before I even started dating my husband).

I have no idea what to do. My husband is mad at his family for acting that way, but he is even angrier with me because I told him I wasn't going to spend Christmas with his family. All of his friends (Since I just moved up here, I don't have any of my own friends in this area, I kind of just took on his friends) say I'm over reacting and that his family will come around....and all of my friends say that they treated me appallingly and they could never imagine anyone doing that to their family member's spouse. I know my parents have always treated my husband like a son--they even exchange emails and phone calls with each other.

What do I do? My husband gets along wonderfully with my family, but his family doesn't like me. I still can't figure out what I did wrong, or why his mother changed her tune so fast. And they certainly won't tell him.

Should I call his mother and talk to her? Or should I have him call? Should we pretend it never happened?

This situation has been eating me up since it occured, and I'm at a loss. I've never experienced anything like this before. My husband is extremely close with his family, and I don't want this to come between our marriage.

I appreciate any advice you guys have for me.

Last edited by Toolchick101; 26th November 2006 at 10:39 PM.. Reason: grammer
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Old 27th November 2006, 11:50 AM   #2
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Welcome to LS! Where you find that someone of us don't get along with our SO's family as well. Or at least some of them.

O I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to go. I wouldn't either. Besides you went their for Thanksgiving. What about your family or staying home?

You need to think of anything that you might have said the last time you seen them that may have offended them. Anything that might led them to not like you. Even if you think it didn't you might have. You said that you met the extended family. Does that mean that they weren't at the wedding. Maybe the whole getting married thing had something to do with it. I don't know. Just throwing things out here. That or maybe they just don't like you.

It's nothing that you did while you were they because they ignored you from the moment you walked in there. They had their mind made up long before you arrived.

No offense but your H is an a$$ for not stepping in and saying something. He shouldn't have left you alone if you were uncomfortable. Did you tell him while you were there was was going on?

Well in my situation I don't get along with the mother. I threathen her position at the thone I guess . She doesn't want to be dethroned. She acts like she likes me but trust me she doesn't.

My problem is that I'm a independent dominate person and I don't take crap from no one. I speak up and stand up for myself. I don't care if I offend her or not. If she is in the wrong or talks to me in a way that is rude or uncalled for then she deals with me. I find it rather funny. My H doesn't step in though because he wants nothing to do with it. But if she or anyone else goes off the ban wagon then he says something.

Speaking of Christmas I'm going to his mom and dads place for a couple of days. It's not too bad as long as we don't start talking about personally things and just stick to general stuff. Plus there are other things that I can do because they live around Tornoto. Lots that I want to see.

The way that I fixed this problem somewhat is that I don't see them that much. Maybe once or twice a year. I know some people may not like this but I did what my father told to do. Probably one of the smartest things I've done. And that was to move away from them and for us to live our own lives.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even though I don't like them as much I try to get along with them because their not going away. I'm not going to tell you to call her or anything but others on here might. If they really don't like you and you call her she will fed off of it that it won't be pleasant. If they do and something you said offended them then something can be done about it.

BTW sorry this post is not organized. Its going all over the place.

Last edited by IpAncA; 27th November 2006 at 11:57 AM..
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Old 27th November 2006, 12:02 PM   #3
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In a marriage, the husband, (and wife), are supposed to leave their respective families, and begin a NEW one.

We all have to get along with our in-laws. That's a fact. But your husband needs to see that his side of the family aren't respecting HIM.

Yes, I said, HIM.

Why? Because once you two said, "I DO", you became one.

He should have the mindset that the way they treat you, they are treating HIM in the same manner.

Yes, I do think you should call his mom. You're are her son's life now, and she doesn't want to let go of him. She needs re-assurance from you that you'll take care of him.

At the same time, you need to respect her. This is her son we're talking about....
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Old 27th November 2006, 3:56 PM   #4
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good advice from moose and Ip ... to which I add, limit your time with them, but kill them with kindness when you have to be around them.

talk to your husband and let him know how uncomfortable their treatment makes you feel, then work out some kind of compromise that if you MUST spend Christmas with them, then it's limited to a day trip and he needs to monitor the situation so he can put up a united front when they're being poopy-heads.

my guess is that someone misinterpreted something you said or did, then shared his or her feelings with the rest of the family rather than setting the record straight with the original source (you). Like I said, the best thing to do is to kill them with kindness because you end up looking like a decent gal and they make themselves look foolish if they respond with anything other than civility or politeness.

family. Can't live with them, can't shoot 'em ...
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Old 27th November 2006, 4:09 PM   #5
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Yep, kill them with kindness. Send MIL a hostess gift and thank her for inviting you and hubby for Thanksgiving. Tell her you know how stressful it can be to host the whole family for the holidays, and you and hubby appreciated being there to share it with them. (Do this even if you choke on the words - maybe write it in a card and send it along with the gift).

Don't snipe back no matter what lengths they go to. Ultimately, your hubby needs to be your best ally, so if you can show him that you've been nothing but kind to them, he'll eventually see they are the ones pushing you away. If he does nothing to tell/show his family they need to accept you, I think you have bigger problems than his family, don't you? Those are issues you should take up with him.

As for Christmas, limit the time with his family. Your family matters too, so maybe start a tradition of spending certain holidays with your family and certain holidays with his. Or you can break up the Christmas holiday and spend one day with his family and one day with yours.
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Old 27th November 2006, 7:13 PM   #6
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Heres what we do and it works out fine:

Christmas: Rotate families every year. If not then we stay home

Thanksgiving: Stay home or have people over or go over there.

Summer Time: Travel ourselves/have family come and see us or sometimes go and see them if we want too...

We never spend all our free time or holidays with one family only. We spread it out because it keeps us from being selfish and it doesn't cause problems.
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Old 27th November 2006, 9:22 PM   #7
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Well, I guess I should have added this to my post:

No one was at the wedding because we're both in the military and didn't (and still wouldn't if we hadn't of gotten married) have time to pick a location and notify everyone....we just told everyone we were getting married, and did it at the courthouse with his mom and my mom and dad present (his father isn't in his life).

And the way we do holidays (being in the military) is we come to my family the day before the holiday, spend the night, then drive to his family the day of the holiday. My mom's a nurse and chooses to work every holiday so my family always does holidays the day before--this year either we're both coming to my parents then he's driving to his, or we'll just do them separate. With him in the Marines, he can get deployed pretty much any time, so I would never want to switch who we see (i.e. my family this year, his next) until after his contract ends.

Wish that was an option though
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Old 27th November 2006, 9:37 PM   #8
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Ok makes sense. So did you talk to your H more about this?
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Old 27th November 2006, 11:36 PM   #9
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Yeah, we've been talking about it. He called one of his cousins today and talked to her about it--she said she didn't even realize she was acting that way (she was the one who closed the door in my face) Well, she said she knew she closed the door in my face, but she didn't realize she was being rude (go figure)

I called his mother myself and apologized for anything I may have said that offended her and she apologized back, so hopefully that relationship will be maintained.

I still don't know what we're doing about Christmas but perhaps I'll give it another shot since I really liked his grandparents and since it's important to him (especially since we CAN'T see them any other time)
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Old 28th November 2006, 12:12 PM   #10
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Well give it another shot then and see what happends. Maybe by saying sorry was enough for her to stop acting that way towards you.

Um yeah how does one closing the door on ones face not rude? Whatever.

Hope things work out for you though.
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