footinthemouth Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Hey all I officially went into NC two days ago and then my wife sends an email asking me how I am and stuff. What should I do? For those who don't know my story it's titled "my story" in the second chance section. What do you all think, wait for some more time, give her the space she wanted, or call her and see how's she is doing. I might see her tonight because she's going to be at the same place that I will but earlier, so i might bump into her. Is that ok or not. Thanks for any help Link to post Share on other sites
Xillr8ng Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I am sorry you are going through this.IMO I would continue NC and would not be near where she can see you.I would avoid it.There are many veterans in LS that I think would agree and maybe they will post a solid answer for you.I can say that the more I pushed my wife to reconcile the further she ran.Everyone says that NC is to heal not to get them back but I believe it is also the only hope of a chance of the other person to miss us and possibly give them the time to get over being angry or hurt.Stick close to LS and I am sure you will always get the support you need. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 You cannot avoid your ex altogether. So if you happen to bump into each other, then put on your best poker face and act happy to see her but not desperate to get her back. But I wouldnt call her to chit chat. NC is for you to heal and to not cause any further damage by crying to her and begging her to come back. It's also to give her a chance to know what life will be like without you. Be pleasant when you _have_ to talk to her, but dont come up with reasons _to_ talk to her. If she left, then let her come back. She knows how to contact you. Being pleasant when you have to talk to her, tells her you wont rip her throat out if she does decide to come back, but at the same time, she's going to need to make an effort to come back if she wants to. After all, you would probably move heaven and earth for her. She should return the favour! Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 yup, I couldn't agree more with dgiirl's point. Don't make up reasons to contact her, try not to initiate contact yourself - let her do that. If that becomes too often, and it just hurts you every time, but you notice that it's not going in a direction that seems likely to fix things between the two of you, then you can tell her that you need some time to pass for you to be able to feel and act like the two of you are "buddies"... I don't think it's absolutely necessary in all cases to go to the extreme: absolute NC. Sometimes that's not even possible. But you can have some control over how much contact there is, and of what kind. So I think you should return her call, and, if these calls/emails continue, you may want to bring up a discussion about setting down some guidelines as far as communication between the two of you is concerned. From what I've erad about other people's experiences, and from my own personal experience, giving her some space is definitely a good idea. take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author footinthemouth Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Hi all thanks for the advice. I just got off work and she calls to see if I wanted to go and have a bit to eat. I told her that I get off at 5' and she plays vball at 6, so she seemed to kind of been disappointed. I told her that I don't work tomorrow, but I have a class from 10-12 and told her that if she wants to meet up then she can call me. I left everything very open for her, I think. Anyways my situation is a little different then most on here. If you haven't read my story then here's the link. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82645/ There were many things that got us to where we are now, but I think that alot had to do with me. I'm meeting with a counsellor, haven't started yet, but I'm meeting for the initial session to find out what I want to work on within myself. See the thing is that if you read my story then there's more of a picture of our relationship. Many on here seem to be going through the same emotional process like I am, but the way they related to the other partner is totally different. Anyways at this point in time I will only run into her at volleyball, since we met that way, and still play, just not together. Any other meetings will be scheduled. I am still implementing NC just cause she still wants time and space, I think, and I want to wait for a while until I can fix myself to be happy again. I started to read one of dr. phil's books and it show me a lot of things that I created. Lots of negetivity in my actions towards her and stuff like that. Anyways I'm actually thinking of going to another counsellor as well, just to try and fix other problems that I have. Is it bad to see two counsellors, or not. Please give me your opinion everyone and thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Xillr8ng Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Foot....Absolutely counseling.2 if you need it..I am on my 5th session (3weeks) with this guy and I can tell you it has OPENED my eyes to help me see where I made major mistakes in our marraige.We are very close in the divorce coming to its end and I have tried everything to stop it with no results....UNTIL yesterday....Here is my post.... MY Sycologist left a message on her cell and she called back within 5 mins.I left the room but when I came back the MC was all smiles...He told her that he has seen me several times and explained to her the issues that he and I were addressing.She was shocked that I confessed so much to him openly.He told her that I was devestated after she left and I was getting help..opening myself up to him for much needed help.She said that I was not entirely to blame for the seperation and that she had issues as well...She asked if he was a marraige counselor also.He said he would love to meet with her and discuss her side of things and to just talk....She AGREED!!!!! She said that she didn't have her schedule, but would call him Monday or so to make an appointment...I'm still picking my jaw off the floor...I was SURE she would say or act very much the opposite.... Please do counseling for YOU and when she sees your efforts to fix yourself she might notice the seriousness in your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author footinthemouth Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Well I saw her last night and I don't think it was awkward when I saw her. I gave her some papers that she need, and gave her a hug. I didn't say anthing to her, and I went off to play some vball. I emailed her after and said that I hope see felt that I didn't pay any attention to her because I'm trying to give her the space she wanted and told her that if she wanted to meet up then she could give me a call today. Well it's today around 1:30 and she didn't reply or call yet. I am feeling that need to talk to her, but I know that I should't cause if she wanted to call then she would. I don't know. I want to meet up with her so that I can tell her all the emotions that I bottled up when we were together. I think that it would be good for me to try and fix some broken bridges that I burned. I haven't seen a cousellor yet, Monday baby and I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping that I can learn some things about myself and what I want from a relationship, if it's with her or someone else. At this point in time I don't know what I want. But I do know, I would like to try to have the marriage work and attempt to be positive in everything we do. I've had many chance while we were together to fix things, but it wasn't until we separated where I felt that I need to really look at myself and figure out how to fix things. I hope that I'm approaching this the right way. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Xillr8ng Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Foot..I know it's very hard to give her "space" trust me I am going through it NOW and have been for three months.I'm telling you that in my case ,the more I contacted her or tried to, made it even worse...the more she withdrew..I felt like a pathethic little heel chaser....and it made me look like a loser in my wifes eyes.When I withdrew and kept contact to the BARE minumums and almost NO contact at all,she would check in on me by phone or by stopping by out of the blue....She was checking on me ya see,to see if I was making the VERY needed changes or just wallering like a baby that needed it's mother.I would act like I was moderately happy yet serious and I NEVER tried to push a conversation about us on her..only if she wanted to bring it up....She has not called me in three weeks now but she HAS agreed to see the counselor which is a VERY BIG step for her..If she follows through,there might be a chance to stop this divorce...The main thing is,that when my wife heard that I had SEVERAL sessions under my belt ,she was able to finally see that I was NOT just all talk...She could see that I had taken the initiative to take whatever steps necessary to CHANGE the flaws that destroyed our marraige...Please get at least 3 sessions with a counselor or more and keep your mouth shut about it...Let someone else tell her or let the counselor call her like mine did..If she hears it from you,it won't be as effective...Keep posting..and keep listening to others who have been where you are now and survived with or without their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author footinthemouth Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 She wants to go have a bite tonight, and I agreed. I want to talk to her tonight about trying to fix the bridges I burned. I feel the need to do that because I burned alot when we were together. I don't know how she'll feel about that, but I think I want to approach it like this. I read one in dr. phils book that to open up myself I should sit with her for two minutes silently without any distractions from anything and then talk about anything that bothered me in the relationship that I bottled up. See the reason why we broke up was because I didn't express my fears and any negetive emotions that I had to her which resulted in us withdrawing. I don't intend to talk about getting back together because I don't even know if i do want to try again. I hope the counsellor will help clear my vision. I just want to try and fix the problem I created to be aleast good friends. Like right now we are somewhat friends that rarley see each other. I want to apptempt to get to a point where we can hang out and go out with other friends, and have fun hanging out again. Anyways gotta head to work. Do you guys think this is the right approach, to fix burned bridges, but make it clear that we are not getting back together at this point in time? Link to post Share on other sites
mablung Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 sure, it could work - but I don't know if right away. I certainly like the idea, and I hope that my wife and I will also remain some sort of friends after the divorce. From what I've read/heard, though, these cases seem to be rare... Link to post Share on other sites
Xillr8ng Posted March 5, 2006 Share Posted March 5, 2006 Just checking on you.I hope you are o.k. Link to post Share on other sites
Author footinthemouth Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 Hey thanks X. I'm doing pretty good. I haven't got to the counsellor yet cause there's a 3 week waiting period to get into the one I'm at, so I'm waiting for another 2 weeks. I am doing some reading and it helps. I got some books on relationships and it helped me understand somethings I did. I have kept little contact with her, mostly at volleyball, and the occasional IM or phone call. I saw her today and everything is fine. I don't talk about getting back together with her, I'm just being a friend. At this point in time I don't think it would be a good idea to think of try the marriage thing again. I need some time for myself to figure what I want and see where my life goes. I'm finding easier to get along with out her, but there are times when i think about her, and I just take it in as memories that come and go. I'm not mad or upset with her, I don't know what I really feel towards her right now. I'm just doing the friend thing and see what happens. She has told me that being friends is very important to her because she values our friendship. So it's worth trying the friend thing. She's keeping herself really busy, every day she either works, plays ball, or hang out with friends. I on the other hand just keep to myself, work, and play ball, not as much as her though. So for now I'm just taking it one day at a time. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
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