Mistaken Identity Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 I posted earlier under "Grounds for Divorce." Anyway, my husband went to work this morning--or so I thought--and hasn't come home yet. His boss called looking for him. So I guess he didn't go to work after all. Sigh...Here I am with my five year-old daughter a thousand miles away from my family. I'm starting to get depressed. So I thought I'd ask a question to help evaluate my husband's motives. He left me recently for about five months. During the first month or more, he didn't want to see his daughter because he said it made him too sad. He didn't give me child support, either. He didn't work and rarely left the apartment except to go drinking at a bar by his place. Was he really that sad? I think I'm an idiot... Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 It sounds like the guy has some serious psychological issues. And the sad reality is that he most likely will not get the help he needs. When I was seeing a counsellor during my separation, my counsellor told me that 90% of her clients were not the person who had a problem. They are usually the person around the one with the actual problem who tries to get help. From what I recall from your other thread, it sounds like you are trying to save this guy. But this is what you need to understand, you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. And they don't want to be saved. My XW is the same way. And as noble as it might seem to be willing to keep trying until they drag you under with them, you do need to think about your child. Who is going to be there to make sure your child grows up as a good, well adjusted person if you let your husband drag you down along with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 Thank you, Devildog. Your counselor's assessment is enlightening. I can deal with him leaving me--he's done it so many times. But I just don't know what to tell my daughter. Last night when her dad didn't come home, she said, "I hope he's not dead." I told her he's probably out drinking beer and is afraid to drive home. I still haven't heard from him. I guess I'll tell her he's mad at me and doesn't want to see me. I don't want her to think his leaving has anything to do with her. How can a man abandon his kid--especially this close to Christmas? He only bought her one present, by the way-- a gift certificate. Sorry to whine. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 At five, I would not fabricate a story to your kid. SHe needs to trust someone and obviously it is not her dad. I would say that you don't know. Show her that you love her and give her the best damned Christmas you can. You need to stop looking out for this guy--he is probably clinically depressed and you cannot help him alone and if his answer is to run and hide, well then you need to see if you can live with that--my vote is no. Move back with your family after the new year and rebuild your life. My XW pulled a similar stunt. My kids were 8,5,3 and she went away for one night "to gather her thoughts" and said she would be home by 6pm the following night. Well Saturday rolled around, Sunday rolled around, and she comes home on Monday night about midnight with a cut on her leg. Go figure. Now, my kids missed her (she was a stay at home mom) immediately on Friday night and at 6pm sharp on Saturday (when she promised to be back) they had a puppet show complete with Brownies annd lemonade that they made set up right inside the front door--she did not show nor did she answer her cell. THis was the first indication to them about mom's word. We are divorced now and split the time with our kids 50-50, but they know she is not good to her word and is very selfish. She told them it woudl be a light low budget Christmas because money is so tight (I am somewhat against divulging financial issues to kids) and then proceeds to go to a "personal growth" seminar with her hubby at a cost of $1000 each for two weeks in Oregon (we are on the East Coast). So not $2000 for the seminar, airfare, and food and hotel for two weeks, parking at the airport, and expenses...well no wonder Christmas is gonna be light. And the kids see this. It is sad, but you need to take control of YOUR life and realize that it is gonna be YOU to take care of YOUR daughter. He may try to weasel back in but he had better have had some serious help before he does. Just my two cents! JOhn Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 Thank you, John. It's great to hear a man's perspective. Sorry for the lousy way your wife treated/treats you and the kids. It's so hard to understand a parent who doesn't practically worship their kids! I know a woman similar to your wife. It turns out her own mother gave her to her father to raise because she didn't want the responsibility of being a parent. Has your wife had a similar upbringing? Maybe it's genetic. Then again, why do we waste our time trying to figure out other people? I guess we want to know we aren't the bad guys--that we've tried everything we can to make it work. Anyway...I'm going to take your advice. After Christmas I'm going home without him and I'm filing for divorce. I don't know how he's going to keep a job to make the child support payments, but that's his problem. That alone is really going to stress him out! I can just see him rocking back and forth in some prison cell after they bust him for unpaid child support. Now I'm just being mean...Ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 I had to comment on your XW's "personal growth" seminar. I bet you guys had fun with that one! It doesn't sound like all the money in the world is going to help her "grow." Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 We did have some fun at that for sure. Just know that the kids are more resiliant that we ever give them credit for, and she will be living in a better place with the knowledge that mom and dad did not work out, rather than wondefing if dad is coming home. As for the Child Support and so forth. Never count on it. If you get it, treat it as a bonus and save it for college for your kid or a special treat or trip. A court order is only enforceable when you can collect. If he is a true deadbeat, he will be able to avoid the system and you will be left alone to provide for your kids by yourself and with the help of family and friends that love you. Plan on that....don't plan on support from him. Honestly, what happens if he drinks himself into a drunken stupor and ends up killing himself from an alcohol OD? You also may want to take insurance out on him in the names of your kids--he is their father and if you can afford the premiums, it will be a nice feeling to know that they are taken care of in case somethign does happen to him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted December 21, 2005 Author Share Posted December 21, 2005 Hey John, I like the life insurance policy idea. In case something happens to him. Like the alcohol OD thing. I can keep my fingers crossed! Okay, I don't really mean that... I have a house back home that I've put up for sale with a real estate agent. Thanks to the (happy) holidays, nobody has bought it yet. Looks like I'll just have to move back in there. But, hey, at least I have a home! And it's all mine. I bought it before he came along. In the meantime, I'm taking my daughter Christmas shopping today and out to lunch. Hey, you'd be surprised how a chocolate shake can improve a little girl's spirits. Guess that's what you mean by resilient. Thanks for your comments. Talking to you is nice. Shelly Link to post Share on other sites
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