Getting use to separation...more resentful

[ktmrider]

Is it normal to get use to a separation? I'm starting to feel resentful of the separation. At first, I miss my wife but as the separation continues, I'm starting to feel very angry and resentful. I'm resentful of the fact that I'm here "waiting" for her to decide if she is going to stay or leave me.

 

I miss her but as the days becomes weeks I'm becoming very resentful of this separation. I still want her back but it's getting easier to be by myself, and I feel that this is not a good sign. I don't think my feelings are healthy.

 

There is no other guy in her life. If she doesn't love me anymore why doesn't she just serve the papers now? I'm just getting tired of waiting for her to make a decision.

 

....I'm so confused and angry....

[tonyp56]

As far as I can tell it is normal. I know that in the last 7 weeks I too have grown resentful towards my wife. However, I must say, I am discovering things about myself that I didn't know about. I am remembering things that I long forgot, things I used to like to do that because I was with my wife I stopped.

 

The way that I figure it, we are learning that we have no power over our wives, that we can't make them come back. Which causes us to fear that our lives are out of our hands (which in a way they are) and because of this fear, we turn towards the person that left us and recent them for the hurt. Now you say resentful of the separation but, isn't really towards your wife? I know mine is. More or less, we know we can't make them come back, and so our minds start turning off the love that we had for them, and we sense this, and we recent our wives for this.

[Trimmer]

The way that I figure it, we are learning that we have no power over our wives, that we can't make them come back. Which causes us to fear that our lives are out of our hands (which in a way they are) and because of this fear, we turn towards the person that left us and recent them for the hurt.

 

Anger is definitely a big part of it for me. Loss of control - feeling powerless - is horrible and confusing and scary, and one of our responses to fear is anger, agression, etc., directed at the one who we perceive is causing our pain and anguish. This instinct used to keep us alive when we had to defend ourselves against hungry animals, rival tribesmen, (the "other man"?) etc...

 

Don't deny it, don't try to suppress it; acknowledge it and find a way to let it out safely. I use my counselor for this. I was suppressing it pretty well, but I started noticing it was coming out as sarcastic hostility in my dealings with my STBXW. My counselor gently guided me to letting it out with her, and I have found that I am able to maintain a much calmer disposition with my stbx. I still have it, I still let myself feel it, but I've got a much safer way to explore it and express it now, and it doesn't scare me as much any more, and things have gotten smoother with the stbx.

 

I still want her back but it's getting easier to be by myself, and I feel that this is not a good sign. I don't think my feelings are healthy.

I'm not so sure this is a completely bad thing. I still think you need to explore and vent your anger in a safe way, and directing it at your partner is probably not productive. However, I might suggest that your increasing comfort being by yourself might be the start of a rediscovery of your own power, and I would suggest that this might be a very good thing. Listen here to Tony:

 

However, I must say, I am discovering things about myself that I didn't know about. I am remembering things that I long forgot, things I used to like to do that because I was with my wife I stopped.

I think this is great! One of my turning points was late one evening after I had put the kids to bed, and I suddenly flashed back to the life I lived and the person I was back before I knew my stbx. And I recalled the sort of confidence I had, the comfort with myself, and the sense of possibility, and it was a really good feeling. It reminded me that I am a whole person, aside from my wife.

 

This feeling of power in your own life is not necessarily at cross-purposes to reconciling with your wife, either. And, perhaps that more interesting, self-assured, independent person is the one she wants to be interested in. I realized I had become kind of a doormat. And although I realized it too late to fix things, that realization, the "new me" (which is really the "old me") is still the one I want to take into my future.

 

So don't be afraid of discovering the side of yourself that can be independent and separate from your wife. Work on yourself for a while - you deserve it. This is a potentially good effect of a separation, and whichever way the separation ultimately goes - reconciliation or a permanent split - the time you use rebuilding yourself is well-spent.

[ktmrider]

During this separation, all of my close friends have either called or emailed every once in a while and asked how I am feeling. But none of her siblings have called me at all. Even two of my brother in laws (her sisters' husbands) didn't even called or emailed me. I find that very hurtful. This hurt is turning into resentment toward them. I can understand her sisters and brothers not talking to me but I would think the brother in laws should at least email me or something.

If the shoes were reversed, I would call them and see how they are doing.

Am I wrong in feeling this?

 

I'm afraid that if I tell her my current feelings that I will push her away even more. At some point I'm going to have to be strong enough to let her know that I'm not going to put my life on hold indefinitely waiting for her to make a decision.

 

Background: We've been living together for over 14 years and been married for about three years. I've been the same person but after the "I do", she is not happy with me because I don't give her enough love and affection. The separation is all about this problem. We are best friends and we have a tons of things in common. Why did she married me even though she knew of this problem? I'm trying to change but it's not going to happen overnight.

 

I feel that she's stuck in her high school and college years when a woman is looking for a knight or mr. perfect. She wants a perfect husband which is a provider, a lover, and a best friend. It's very hard to meet those expectations....because I'm not perfect.

 

My resentment stems from the feeling that I'm trying to be everything she needs but I'm not living up to her expectations. I feel that this separation is kind of punishment to me for not being the perfect husband.

 

THis reminds me of Star Wars movie......"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side".

[tonyp56]

During this separation, all of my close friends have either called or emailed every once in a while and asked how I am feeling. But none of her siblings have called me at all. Even two of my brother in laws (her sisters' husbands) didn't even called or emailed me. I find that very hurtful. This hurt is turning into resentment toward them. I can understand her sisters and brothers not talking to me but I would think the brother in laws should at least email me or something.

If the shoes were reversed, I would call them and see how they are doing.

Am I wrong in feeling this?

 

I understand this, my wife's family has went as far as inviting her new man over to their house for supper, or go out together. This (them welcoming him into their homes) has been going on for over a month, wife only left me 7 weeks ago. (we were together for a total of 11 years and we were married almost 7) Anyways, I felt like most of my wives family was my family over the past 7 years, and now the only people in her family that I've talked to is her aunt and uncle. I guess this is the time that we all find out who are real friends are and which ones are players! By the way, her aunt and uncle, told me that they will always love me as their nephew, after I told them that they would always be my aunt and uncle. If felt good to know, but the rest of her family, they could care less.

 

 

THis reminds me of Star Wars movie......"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side".

 

Yes, there is much truth in those saying on that epic movie. I am a big Star Wars fan BTW. It is true, think about it, when you get afraid of something, your protective self kicks in and you are stronger, faster, etc... My problem, getting rid of that anger without exploding.

[tonyp56]

I use my counselor for this.

 

 

I'd like to, but I was put on a waiting list of 2 weeks, they just called and said that it will be at least 2 more weeks. Anyways, I can't afford a lots of money to go to doctor, so this is really my only choice.

 

I agree with you, I have found talking to someone helps, venting here helps, but I do have lots of anger inside me. I hope I can take care of this soon.

[dgiirl]

I'd like to, but I was put on a waiting list of 2 weeks, they just called and said that it will be at least 2 more weeks. Anyways, I can't afford a lots of money to go to doctor, so this is really my only choice.

 

A waiting list for a counsellor?! I'd try a different counsellor.

 

Anyways, yes the anger is part of the grieving process. There's 5 stages and we tend to jump back and forth between all 5 until it starts to settle down onto acceptance. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, and everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. You just need to express it in a healthy way. For months, I was very very angry at my ex, but I protected him from my anger. I still question if it was wise, but at the time I wanted him back and I thought it was best not to show him this anger. During this whole process, I'm learning more about myself than I have ever learned. I realize I lost myself in this relationship, and now I'm starting to see parts of my "old" self before I knew my ex. It's good. It's empowering. It's healthy. You probably fear that you being angry is keeping her away. Unfortunately, she decided to leave WAY before you were even angry. So it's not your anger that's causing the separation, it's her free will. IMHO, you're best chance of reconciling is to grieve the marriage. Go through all the emotions, rebuild yourself, learn to be happy alone, build your confidence back up. If the roles were reverse, would you come back to someone who was crying and angry and didnt like themselves as you probably feel (i know that's how i felt). I was too clingy, too desperate, and I'd never have gone back to myself. It's a huge turn off. The only thing I could do is go through all the emotions, and keep my distance from him. Dont show him this desperation and MAYBE he'll start to miss me and want me back. Regardless, I will have been working on me, healing me, so that I can meet someone who deserves my love and will make me happy.

[trickynj99]

KTM and TONY -

 

so sorry to hear of your troubles,

I think anger and resentment are hugely powerful emotions that we all face...

nothing good can come of them though so we all have to be on the lookout

 

we seem to be in very similar boats...(with the huge difference is we havent separated yet)

 

i have 2 kids been raising with wife and married for 14yrs...she now says i've been neglecting her(to be fair, i have been in certain ways, and i accept my role in that)... so since i've neglected her for so long, she is not "in love" and we are great friends but not lovers..

so i am waiting too, i'm just waiting in the house with her, based on how i'm feeling right now, i relate very much to your original post...angry, resentful and confused...that about sums me up

 

 

this has been since march - now i want to leave but so far i cant (the kids!!!), i find that i'm ALL TALK, i don't stick up for myself in the relationship, i'm a doormat and living a very painful day-to-day...i've bored lots of people with this but i'm posting here because i'm interested to hear more what you are going thru after your separation..let me tell you that i wish i could get up the guts to take the step you did...it seems to me the most logical and least emotional way to handle your problem...you mentioned why doesnt she just serve the papers?? can i ask why not you do it?? i assume its because you want to get back together,,,

 

if so, then my situation is exactly the same as yours, except i havent had the guts to actually do anything about it

 

the tie to your messages is that i am trying to stick this out while i wait for my wife to decide what she wants i am feeling hugely resentful and angry!!!!

 

i wish you guys the best and would be happy to share experiences with you both

[ktmrider]

[trickynj99[

 

If you love your wife and still want to work things out, you have to do something about it now! Do not let it get escalated to a separation. Talk to each other (without anger and yelling!) and just let her say what she feels. But most of all, LISTEN to her. Years of neglect will force a woman to leave you no matter how much she loves you. You have to repect her needs.

 

If she is still living in the same house as you, it's way better to fix things now than wait until you guys are separated.

 

Both of you get counseling or talk to each other, anything but remember to recpect each other first. Do not let the anger and resentment get in the way. It will only hurt you not help.

 

AS for me, I'm trying to control my anger and resentment. I think my anger stems from the fact that I've not seen my wife for about a month now. I think my fears and the time apart caused me to become angry. I think it's my fears and hurt changed to anger. This is not a good thing.....

 

 

 

I have "a date" with her sometime this week. I'm excited. She said that she's excited too. I guess it's a good sign.

[trickynj99]

ktm

 

everything i have read about anger especially is that its a SECONDARY emotion...something is causing the anger...it seems your time apart might be the real cause....you have tough choices to either swallow that anger for now or go back to well if you are trying to make it work..

 

i hope you can deal with it

all the best

[Mz. Pixie]

During this separation, all of my close friends have either called or emailed every once in a while and asked how I am feeling. But none of her siblings have called me at all. Even two of my brother in laws (her sisters' husbands) didn't even called or emailed me. I find that very hurtful. This hurt is turning into resentment toward them. I can understand her sisters and brothers not talking to me but I would think the brother in laws should at least email me or something.

If the shoes were reversed, I would call them and see how they are doing.

Am I wrong in feeling this?

 

I'm afraid that if I tell her my current feelings that I will push her away even more. At some point I'm going to have to be strong enough to let her know that I'm not going to put my life on hold indefinitely waiting for her to make a decision.

 

Background: We've been living together for over 14 years and been married for about three years. I've been the same person but after the "I do", she is not happy with me because I don't give her enough love and affection. The separation is all about this problem. We are best friends and we have a tons of things in common. Why did she married me even though she knew of this problem? I'm trying to change but it's not going to happen overnight.

 

I feel that she's stuck in her high school and college years when a woman is looking for a knight or mr. perfect. She wants a perfect husband which is a provider, a lover, and a best friend. It's very hard to meet those expectations....because I'm not perfect.

 

My resentment stems from the feeling that I'm trying to be everything she needs but I'm not living up to her expectations. I feel that this separation is kind of punishment to me for not being the perfect husband.

 

THis reminds me of Star Wars movie......"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side".

 

 

I've been where you are. Every one of my friends but two turned their back on me in one second when I asked my exhusband for a divorce. Even my best friend of over ten years. Not one of my sisters in laws- and I had one for the entire 13 years- has called me even once. I expected it from the sisters in law and in laws- but not from my friends. That's raw hurt there. If it wouldn't have been for co workers I would have had to move myself (he refused to leave the house).

 

I doubt very seriously your wife is stuck in her college years or is looking for a Knight. She wants to be LOVED. Not just told it but shown it. She wants you to treat her like you did when you were dating. Have you been to the Marriage Builders website?? If you google Why Women Leave Men there is an interesting article on there about why this happens. THIS article will explain to you exactly why this happened. I know, because I've lived it from that angle. This man is a marriage counselor and a husband who wrote this- and he says point blank that women DO NOT expect too much from their husbands.

 

Are you saying that it's impossible for you to change and be loving and attentive towards your wife?? Or are you unwilling? If its either of the two, then yeah, you should probably file for divorce. The thing is, she's probably been trying for so long to get you to see things from her side, she's just tired of trying and it will take some time and patience on your side to change her mind.

 

This is how she's seeing the situation right now:

 

Say you've worked at a place for a long time. You've repeatedly went to them and asked them to give you a raise and repeatedly they have promised you one but not given it to you. You finally work up the nerve to find another job or to quit. When you finally say you're leaving- they offer to give you the raise you deserve. Who would want that raise if they have to threaten to quit to get it?

She's thinking that she's tried all this time to get your to be affectionate and now that she's leaving you've decided you're a changed man!

 

Counseling will help you both to determine about how to meet each others needs better. I would take advantage of it. If she doesn't want to go, then go alone.