SeekingClosure Posted August 11, 2005 Share Posted August 11, 2005 This is super long I know, but if anyone has the time I'd appreciate any feedback. I don't know exactly what I want to accomplish from this letter. I'm scared that if I send it, my husband will come back. I'm scared if i send it, it wont have any affect at all. I do think it's important to say once and for all so there was no doubts about anything. ---- Dear E, I'm writing you this letter because after our last talk I've noticed there are still a lot of things unsaid or unheard. You surprised me when you said I wasn’t upfront with my thoughts and that you can’t read my mind and that you need to know what I'm thinking. This is the same problem I've had with you and I always thought I was clear with my feelings. I think we've put a lot of effort in trying to understand what went wrong and we automatically assume the other understands our thought process. This letter is in no way an attempt to blame or attack you, but to give you some perspective into what I was feeling and what I experienced. With this information, I hope we both can find some closure and help us with our future relationships. Hindsight is 20/20. Being able to reflect on the problems I can see it started at the beginning of our relationship. When I first met you, there was an instant connection. Thinking it was the first and last time I would ever see you, I felt a tremendous amount of sadness. I felt you would have an important role in my future and I was sad thinking that would never happen. Fortunately, it was not the last time I would see you. You seemed to feel the same towards me as I did to you and we started our relationship off as long distance. You were genuinely happy with life and I had never met anyone like you. I wanted to be like you. Everything about you was fascinating. I had a lot of low self-esteem, but you built my confidence. You made me feel smart and pretty and were willing to help me with my problems. As I got more confident in myself, more and more guys became interested in me. It was the first time in my life I had guys interested in me. I wanted to be with you, I missed you, but I got scared that we wouldn’t work out. Then I met C. He paid a lot of attention to me and fed on my fears about us not working out. I was scared about us and was flattered by his attention. I didn’t know what to do and I made a stupid mistake. As soon as he kissed me, I felt sick to my stomach. I went home and cried to my mother and told her I wanted to drive up to you and tell you what I did. She wouldn’t let me go, so I had to confess online. I was genuinely sorry but I couldn’t seem to break off the relationship. C was very persistent and only until I realized the amount of pain I caused you did I get strength to break it off. Ever since that day I have always been very cautious of going places with guys and being friends with guys. I was very upfront with everything that happened in my life. I realized had I done that with C, and not hid the fact that we were “friends”, nothing would have happen. It was the secrecy that drew C and me together, and the distance that drove you and I apart. For some reason, you decided to forgive me and I never took that for granted. Over the years, I realize my upfront ness might have seemed inconsiderate to your feelings, but my intention was to never ever repeat this mistake again, so I figured if I was honest and told you about guys paying attention to me, nothing would ever happen. I didn’t want any secrets between us. We eventually moved in together and it was bitter sweet for me. Here I was starting a new life in a new city with the man I loved, but I had just moved out of my parents’ home and lost all my friends. I was under a lot of stress. I needed to learn a new language, find a full time job at a company that was horrible, and living with a guy whose background was completely different than mine. My anxiety started to get worse. The only way I knew how to release my stress was to blurt it out. I was never proud of this trait, and I’ve always tried to control it. I just didn’t know what it was called, and where to start in stopping it. It was very clear you never approved and I always felt horrible for doing it. During the same time, you started to withdraw from me. We stopped spending quality time together. We were always at work or spending time on the computer. I also felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect wife, to have everything spotless, and I just couldn’t do it. I also felt a lot of pressure to be intimate with you. I was far from ready for so much responsibility and pressure in my life. Here I came from living with my parents, not having to work or clean a home, and having intimacy with you a few days every few months, to having a full time job, living away from my family and friends, living in a strange city with no one I knew, and living with a guy who wanted me all the time. It was a huge adjustment, and I felt a lot of anxiety and slowly fell into depression. I tried to juggle everything, and I wanted to be closer with you. I knew I needed to be affectionate with you in order to want to be intimate with you, and you told me you can’t be affectionate with me unless we went all the way to intimacy. I respected your decision and denied myself the need to be affectionate. And I slowly got worse and worse. Everything had to be perfect, I could not handle the stress and I simply shut down. I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped being independent, I stopped feeling pretty, I stopped smiling, and I couldn’t see what was going on. A few times I tried to reach out for help. I tried to make myself feel desired by you only to be called selfish. I tried to reach out and hug and hold your hand only to feel a lot of anxiety and fear of rejection. I even tried to talk to you about it, and you reassured me everything was fine, and it was a fix to my anxiety. I was worried I was losing you, and you reassured me I wasn’t. I didn’t want to push my luck and I just accepted what you had to say. I never realized how much I hurt you because all of this had nothing to do with you. It was all my own problems and I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. I couldn’t reach out to the right person for help. You were the only person I was talking to, and you couldn’t see what I was going through. I started to fear I would lose you, and I would commit suicide. I started to hate my body, and I wanted plastic surgery. I was scared I would lose my job, and I started to go crazy. I needed your attention, and you simply withdrew from me. I got angry about a lot of things. I came to you for help, and you played devils advocate. This made me feel like I was a horrible person because I was angry. You claim you treated me like a Queen. I disagree with this statement. You never mistreated me, but you never treated me well either. You ignored me. You felt if you took care of everything, that I should be grateful. I was! But I didn’t need someone to take care of me. I needed someone to be there for me. I would constantly ask you how your day was, and you refused to tell me. You rarely expressed any of your thoughts with me, and I often learned things about you from other people. I was supposed to be your wife, a life partner, and I knew nothing about you. I never understood what you were feeling because you rarely shared your feelings with me. I was left to fill the blanks. And my anxiety made me believe everything was ok. This went on for years. And slowly you made comments that destroyed my self-esteem. I realized, after you left, I’ve always felt like a horrible selfish person only around you. I never felt like this around anyone else but you. I don’t know why or how, but you make small comments that have a lot of effect on my self-esteem. I put you on a pedestal, believed everything you said about life, believed I had “problems” and that I needed you to help me. A lot of times I would take initiative in my life only to get criticized. You had so many rules on where things had to be bought, what brand was better than the other, etc. I couldn’t follow your rules and simply shut down. When you left, I was so proud of myself. I’ve paid bills, bought food, cooked meals, talked to people and asked for help. I’ve done a lot of stuff on my own and the world hasn’t stopped. I also believe that you complaining about me not doing my share of the chores are simply an excuse to avoid the real issues. I do not believe you left me because I didn’t cook enough or because I didn’t clean enough. If you did, then I think you should really think about that. Since you’ve left, I’ve done all of your chores, and all of my chores, and I have more energy now than I’ve had in years. Our breakup has nothing to do with chores. It has everything to do with low self-esteem, taking everything personally, the lack of intimacy and affection, lack of communication and the way we handle conflict, on both sides. I do not know how to resolve these issues either with you or any future relationship I have. I do believe these problems will arise again in my future, but at least I feel a little more empowered now because I know what the problems are. I only hope I can communicate more clearly in my next relationship. I do know that my happiness is important and if I’m not happy, there is no way I can make anyone else happy. The things I need to work on is controlling my anxiety, expressing my anger in an assertive as opposed to an aggressive manner, become more affectionate and trusting, show appreciation and trying to listen to people. You tell me that I’m a very cold and distant person and that I’m not very approachable. I try my hardest to be open to people and to listen to what they say. I do realize I react differently to different people who communicate with me differently. I do not know if I can fix all these problems, but I am aware of them and I am reflecting on my behavior and trying to empathize with the other person. This will be a long process of self improvement, but I do believe I will be a better, stronger person because of it. I will be bold, and point out the things I think you need to work on. I believe you need to understand that conflict is not a bad thing. Nine times out of ten it helps resolve problems. When you confront someone with how you feel, you usually find out they never intended to make you feel the way you feel. By not confronting people, you allow yourself to think a whole bunch of reasons and then become resentful towards them. You never clear up the issue and move on. I also feel that it was very arrogant and selfish of you to withhold your feelings from me for years. I feel very disrespected in your choice to never tell me how you felt, never gave me a chance to save our relationship and instead decided on your own that it wasn’t worth saving and nothing could get better. Had you come to me and said we have a problem and we need to work on it together, who knows how things could have turned out. We certainly wouldn’t have been depressed as long as we were. Also, turning to a “friend” and confiding in her your problems was very disrespectful and dangerous. I told you I saw it as an affair, and I’ll tell you why. Instead of confiding in me, you told her. You met her on several occasions and never once told me about it. You kept her a secret because you had feelings for her. And when you left, you told me you felt like you were cheating on her being with me. Whether you were physical or not, your heart was attached to her and I consider it an affair. It’s no different than what I did with C. I’m not mentioning this to place blame on you. I realize she wasn’t the only reason for our breakup, but she did have a role to play. I’m concerned that you do not see anything wrong with keeping secrets and confiding in other people before confiding in the person you are in a relationship with. Honestly, this has nothing to do with me anymore. I’m merely pointing out areas where you need improvement. We have both done a lot of good things in our relationship. We both worked very hard in our jobs building a future for ourselves. We maintained a lot of respect for each other and never tried to hurt the other person on purpose. I do feel we’ve always had a solid foundation for honest communication. The fact that we are still on civil terms proves to me we did some things right. I also wanted to stress that I never intended to reject you. At the time, I didn’t even consider the full affect it had on you. Every time you got close, my anxiety skyrocketed, and I wanted out. But when we were together, I was with you and I was never unsatisfied. You were my first and you were a very attentive lover. I am extremely lucky to have you as my first. I am very insecure with my sexuality but in the beginning you made me feel very desired. You had always made sure my needs were satisfied before your own. However, I felt very incompetent in certain acts and we stopped performing them. I felt you were rejecting me which added to my anxiety and depression. Then things became predictable and I didn’t feel desired or aroused. Then the time got longer and longer. I was so tired, depressed and full of anxiety. You would spice things up and I was petrified of telling you I liked it because it would become part of the routine. The first time you woke me up in the middle of the night, the first time you held my hands together, things I didn’t expect made me aroused. I know I complained a lot about time. It wasn’t because I wanted it over with. I wanted a change so I could feel excited and aroused. I was trying so hard to beat my depression and anxiety, I was reaching out for help, and I never intended to hurt you. When I was speaking with my therapist she asked me if you found me desirable. I said “Yeah of course”. She asked “How do you know? Did he make comments? Did he make any negative comments on your body? Any positive comments?” You did make a few negative comments but the majority of the time you said nothing. Just like everything else, I had no clue what you were thinking or feeling and I was left to fill in the blanks. And many times I felt ugly, fat, undesirable, doing something wrong. “If I was sexy, he couldn’t help but release by now because most guys do not have that much control”. I internalized everything. But when you released, I was there. I was happy. I was in the moment. I felt connected to you. I didn’t want to let go. I’ve read a lot of stuff on relationships. One thing that sticks in my mind is a woman needs a lot of affection to want intimacy, and a man needs a lot of intimacy to want affection. This is where we both failed. Neither one of us were getting our needs met and didn’t want what the other needed. I do not know if you had met my need for affection, if my desire for intimacy would have increased. It’s one thing I’m afraid of in my future relationships. I do not think about sex as often as other people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. I just don’t think about it. Now, I understand that it’s a need for a man. It’s something you need as much as I needed to hear you say you loved me. We both failed and this is another thing I need to work on in my future relationships. I need to be open and aware of what my needs are, and when I ask for them, not to discredit the effort in it being done. Many times I would ask you to be more affectionate, you would try for a week and I never trusted your efforts. It was foreign to me. I’ve looked at a few of our pictures together and I noticed that you would put your arm around me and I was cold and distant. The reason is those were the only times you put your arm around me. I was not comfortable posing and I felt you were putting on a show. You never told me you loved me, never hugged me, or held my hands unless I initiated it, or we were intimate. I was petrified to reach out and hold your hand because you told me you couldn’t be affectionate without being intimate. I was trying to respect your needs and rejected my own. You apologized for not being a romantic guy. It wasn’t the acts of romance I was complaining for. I needed the attention. You spent a lot of time on the computer. In the beginning I complained and you asked me to join you, so I did. I would want to take care of you when you were sick, or buy you presents and you told me you didn’t like the way I did things. I would ask you to go for walks with me and you were too tired. I would ask to go for drives up north, or go downtown and hang around, no. You liked table tennis, so I tried it. You like to bike and I learned. You like tai chi, so we went. I did everything you liked so that we could spend some time together. I’ve always been a follower, so most of the time I didn’t mind. But I realized anything I liked you felt was lame or stupid. However, if one of your friends suggested it, we went. I felt you rejected everything about me. After you left, one day at work, I wanted one of those Mae West cookies. I went to the store and bought enough for the whole office. It was something you would have considered “caker” food. It was something from my childhood and made me happy. Part of who I was. And when the people at work got excited, I didn’t feel ashamed. Many times I felt ashamed of who I was and my background. I always felt you saw me as some kind of hick and I needed you to show me sophistication. I always felt like a horrible person when I was around you. Either this is how you really felt and I could sense it, or it was my anxiety filling in the blanks, I don’t know. I was constantly trying to please you, live up to someone I thought you wanted me to be so you would be proud of me. In the process, I lost myself. After you left, I started to recognize my old self before I met you. The caring generous person I use to be. The first time in years, I can smile. I don’t hate the way I look in pictures. I look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty person. I’m getting control of my anxiety and I don’t think I’m crazy when an attack comes. I know what’s going on, and I know my life will be ok. Unfortunately, I can’t show you these changes. I’ve noticed when we are together, my anxiety skyrockets, my body tenses up and I’m aggressive. I can’t seem to break the pattern with you. I don’t like myself around you, and I still have a lot of anger towards you. I feel like I’ve done a lot in this relationship only to be constantly told it’s not enough and that I’m selfish. You still hold a lot of resentment towards me. Some of it, rightfully so. Some of it not. Whenever I would ask anything from you, you played the martyr card. I’ve never made any demands on you and when you told me all I did was take and take from you, you blew my mind. Whenever you asked anything of me, I never refused. In fact, when you asked something of me, it made me feel needed and wanted. I’ve always let you make all the decisions. I never controlled the money or our time together. Maybe you felt a burden with all the responsibilities, and I should have stepped up to the plate. But I never took from you. At least I do not see it that way, and I don’t know where this comment came from. It hurts me deeply to know that you think this of me and never appreciated the things I did do for you. I do not want this letter to be full of me placing blame on you. I realize I’m fully responsible for my own happiness and my own actions. I deeply regret rejecting you. I deeply regret yelling and screaming. I’m not proud of these things and these are things I need to work very hard on. I just want you to know they were not meant to attack you. When I yell and scream it’s to let out my frustration. I do not act this way around my friends or coworkers. It’s only around you and my mom I become like that. I do not have very much experience in trying to control my aggression and my therapist told me to not even waste any time on my mom. It’ll never work and since I don’t live with her, it’s too late. But I am very sorry for hurting you. Our backgrounds are completely opposite. Screaming and yelling was normal in my family. It’s how we resolved issues and we never took what the other person had to say as a personal attack. You came from a very quiet family. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fight. You all seem to keep to yourselves and never discuss any problems. But I know there is love in both of our families. If anyone needed help, the other would be there, no questions asked. When we moved in together, we both had to make a huge adjustment. I think it was a shock to both of us, and we were not ready. We didn’t have the tools or knowledge to communicate properly, and we fell into depression. And all I can say is, I’m sorry. I really do hope this letter has helped. I do realize that we both played important roles in the destruction of our marriage. I never intended to hurt you, and I think we both have our own issues to work on. I do think we did the best we knew how to at the time. Your favorite guy, Dr Phil has a good expression. “You did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better, you did better”. Let’s hope that we both do better in our futures. Love, -d Link to post Share on other sites
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