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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 4th April 2019, 12:07 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
Thanks everyone for your replies, Iím abit disappointed that no one thinks this marriage is worth saving. But i understand where you are all coming from, I think I would give the same advice if it wasnít me.
There are often two schools of thoughts here.

"Realists" tend to look at the practical side, so they say it doesn't matter why your husband does these things to damage your marriage, it's enough that the issues simply exist. They're often quick to suggest divorce.

"Believers" look at marriage as a commitment that requires both partners do their utmost to make things work, sometimes in the face of substantial adversity caused by a damaged, self-absorbed or negligent spouse. On my better days, I tend to be in this camp.

The good news is you can pick and choose things from both sides. No right or wrong, only what works for you.

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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
Iím curious what you mean by self esteem issues ? He def has some confidence issues as in he thinks Iím too good for him and is very insecure about me having male friends. But I donít see how self esteem issues manifests into financial irresponsibly?
Low self-esteem and the inner lack of validation and belief creates a hole that people attempt to fill with all sorts of things. Substance abuse, infidelity and financial recklessness are fairly common results, with the failures involved simply reinforcing what the person already believes - a lack of worth.

Unless your husband can break this cycle, hard to see how things could get better...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th April 2019, 2:50 PM   #17
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Thereís just such a big difference between being bad with money (impulse buys, not sticking to a budget, not paying bills on time) and keeping secrets about money. I just have to think with all that money unaccounted for there is something else heís keeping from youó an affair, addiction, habit, etc.

I am a believer in marriage as a commitment and I have gone to great lengths to save mine but if there isnít honesty from both parties, and the dishonesty is going so far as to cost you and your child your financial security thatís huge. Maybe he can fix this but at this point heís going to have to put in a ton of effort and it doesnít seem like he wants to.

Another thingóI did the same as you where I have gone without for years because of this money confusion. We lived in a mansion basically, drive expensive cars, have substantial retirement savings. And I didnít buy things like shoes and undergarments for myself to save money because there was always this uncertainty from the lies. Itís one of the things Iím so excited to be able to leave behind after this relationship.
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:35 PM   #18
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Thereís just such a big difference between being bad with money (impulse buys, not sticking to a budget, not paying bills on time) and keeping secrets about money. I just have to think with all that money unaccounted for there is something else heís keeping from youó an affair, addiction, habit, etc.

I am a believer in marriage as a commitment and I have gone to great lengths to save mine but if there isnít honesty from both parties, and the dishonesty is going so far as to cost you and your child your financial security thatís huge. Maybe he can fix this but at this point heís going to have to put in a ton of effort and it doesnít seem like he wants to.

Another thingóI did the same as you where I have gone without for years because of this money confusion. We lived in a mansion basically, drive expensive cars, have substantial retirement savings. And I didnít buy things like shoes and undergarments for myself to save money because there was always this uncertainty from the lies. Itís one of the things Iím so excited to be able to leave behind after this relationship.
I know itís the possible dishonesty that Iím worried about most too. In the beginning when he was spending heaps we tried heaps of things including asking him to list out all his expenses everyday. We did that for about a week. I feel he was more honest back then and willing to try diff ways. But now he says the only way we can work is if we seperate accounts entirely coz Iím so controlling. Which is fine by me except the fact he has not shown me once that he can manage his own money. His mom managed all his money before we met, he was 32 yo. That shoulda been a huge red flag for me.
Anyway easier this year he told me he had being hiding a 25k debt from me and paying it off bit by bit in secret thatís where the money went. He seemed genuine and said the secret weighed on him so much but he didnít want to worry me about it. We paid that debt off in lump sum last month.

But this month again he spent 2k in 10 days and tells me itís nothing out of the ordinary that he spent it on and I just canít believe it. Unless he comes clean about this I donít think thereís anyway we can reconcile. He has an addictive personality and I suspect he could be using drugs recreationally.

Anyway Iím starting to feel like this is really over and there is no hope. He hasnít made any attempt to reconcile with me yet either.
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Old 5th April 2019, 12:26 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
Anyway easier this year he told me he had being hiding a 25k debt from me
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We paid that debt off in lump sum last month.
His debt and you paid it off, hopefully you now see how enabling that is. Addiction needs co-dependency to thrive, a lesson we all learn the hard way.

I guess the good news, if any exists, is you now have a clear idea of the changes needed were your marriage ever to get back on track...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 5th April 2019, 1:33 AM   #20
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I have an alternative idea.

I hear you when you say he is a great father.

There might be a way to force the issue. It's called a postnup. It's like a prenup but agreed to after being married. It allows you to separate finances going forward without getting divorced. It's much, much cheaper than a divorce.

If he won't agree to a postnup to separate finances, that shows his true nature. And, you need to divorce. In my opinion, you being deceived and drained of resources isn't really in the best long term interest of the child.

Of course, how well this would work, how enforceable it would be depends not just on what state, but on what county you live in. So advice of a local attorney is critical.

I'm not an attorney or professional on this topic. But, I had a prenup, then a postnup, then a divorce.
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Old 5th April 2019, 1:49 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
His debt and you paid it off, hopefully you now see how enabling that is. Addiction needs co-dependency to thrive, a lesson we all learn the hard way.

I guess the good news, if any exists, is you now have a clear idea of the changes needed were your marriage ever to get back on track...

Mr. Lucky
Yeh I can see that definitely as enabling behaviour and I prob shouldnít have done it. But the reason I did was because he said the deb collectors were constantly threatening default which will go on his credit file, his credit is bad enough as it is. And we planned to buy another house and he was worried he was gonna be the reason we get rejected for a loan.


It made sense at the time, funny how one min you had all these shared hopes and dreams together then next itís all down the drain.

I know the changes needed, I just donít know how to get him to commit to those changes.
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Old 5th April 2019, 1:55 AM   #22
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This is my own fault - I told him we should seperate for a while , and he took that at its word. But in my head I was done not knowing how to go on, so I told my parents we are getting a divorce, now they are totally onboard with this and urging me everyday to get it going. My dad is already constructing a divorce plan so we can get full custody on my son.

Mean while me and my husband didnít talk for two days, I thought he had given up and was done. And today I msg him and he says we need a few weeks apart but he is under the impression we are using this time to reflect and work on our issues and not at the point of divorce yet.

What a mess I have made out of this.
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Old 5th April 2019, 1:59 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by testmeasure View Post
I have an alternative idea.

I hear you when you say he is a great father.

There might be a way to force the issue. It's called a postnup. It's like a prenup but agreed to after being married. It allows you to separate finances going forward without getting divorced. It's much, much cheaper than a divorce.

If he won't agree to a postnup to separate finances, that shows his true nature. And, you need to divorce. In my opinion, you being deceived and drained of resources isn't really in the best long term interest of the child.

Of course, how well this would work, how enforceable it would be depends not just on what state, but on what county you live in. So advice of a local attorney is critical.

I'm not an attorney or professional on this topic. But, I had a prenup, then a postnup, then a divorce.
My parents wanted him a sign a prenup but he refused. He got so offended that they are thinking of th end of the marriage before we even married. I doubt he will sign a post nup. We donít have that much money anyway itís prob not worth it.
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Old 5th April 2019, 2:28 AM   #24
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I had a longterm relationship with a guy who had similar spending habits and it was a nightmare. We were bringing in good money between the two of us and yet I was constantly juggling bills and payments and we just barely scraped by every month. The more he spent the more frugal I became which made it so unfair to me. He got everything his heart desired while I got nothing because if I spent money too we would have been homeless. This guy was personality disordered and simply would not cooperate with any sort of budget and in the end I left him for numerous reasons but finances was one of the main reasons.

If you don't leave your husband and if he want's to save this marriage then he needs to turn over all of the finances to you. His paychecks go directly into an account that only you have access to. You make the budget and pay the bills. You and he agree on the amount of money he needs in his pocket to make it between paydays and you dole it out to him. If there is something extra he wants he has to speak to you first and if you agree that it can fit into the budget then he can have it. It sounds like you would be treating as a child but I actually know several couples where one person handles all of the money and spending because the other person just cannot handle money responsibly. When my uncle got married in his early twenties he let his wife control the money because he knew she would be better at it than him and now 30yrs later they live in a beautiful house, have nice things, have a retirement plan, raised three kids who never had to go without, all because he let his wife manage the money. So don't compromise on this, if he wants to keep his family together then he should willingly turn over his pay to you to manage. Not because he's a child but because he's mature enough and unselfish enough to know that it's for the good of his family.

Also I would really want to know where he has been spending that money. Usually when someone is spending thousands of dollars and they have nothing to show for it, it points to some kind of addiction or really bad habit. Could be drugs or gambling or even playing games online and spending on those stupid in app purchases. I have a friend who has a boyfriend who will sometimes spend over a thousand dollars a month on in app purchases. If your husband has an addiction or obsession with something that will have to be addressed as well.
Your ex bf sounds exactly like my husband down to a Tee. Especially the inability to adhere to any sort of budget. Itís mind boggling for people like us that can manage money easily, itís not rocket science. I think either they missing a screw in the head or they were brought up in a completely diff way that never taught them anything about managing finances. I know my husbands mom was the worst enabler and gave him money whenever he needed, not just money, gave him anything period that he needed. Iím still not happy with her to this day, she basically did him a services and ruined his life.

But unfortunately my husband I donít think will agree to giving all money to me to manage. Quite the opposite he wants our finances completely seperate coz his sick of me commenting whatís this expense for, whatís that for? Why u spend so much?

I canít believe someone would spend thousand on apps. But my husband Ispends a lot on buying video games, recreational drug use which he claims to have stopped and some gambling, oh and a lot of smoking almost nothing on clothes and food, thatís where I spend my money.
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Old 5th April 2019, 2:30 AM   #25
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I like to think most marriages are worth saving, depending on the circumstances. What if you:

#1 - demanded marriage counseling or at least therapy for him to determine why he has these financial issues and how to stop these behaviors, and

#2 - gave him the ultimatum of taking complete control of the finances, meaning that his income is direct deposited into a joint account that you control, he gets a weekly allowance for gas and necessities, and agrees to attend one or more online financial classes to teach him responsible financial habits (there are plenty of free or low-cost online classes.) This could be a temporary solution until he learns to be more responsible (hopefully.)

I cannot imagine he wants to see his marriage fail because of his poor financial habits when there is a way for him to improve and save his marriage and family. I think you can capitalize on that.
I agree with those 2 points, will try to set up marriage counselling.
Point 2 if I can take complete control of finances then it would be best, but I donít know if he will agree. He always feels restricted enough.
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Old 5th April 2019, 2:37 AM   #26
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I understand what you mean about your marriage and family being a big dealóitís the biggest deal. I saw your comment on my postó I have been with my husband for 7 years married for six and two kids. People say all the time Iím lucky this is all happening now while Iím ďyoungĒ (37) and itís hard to see it that way.

But when you think about how some people here were deceived for 25 years or more, had nothing left when they left, are nearing retirement and facing divorce at the same time....your situation seems so much ďeasier.Ē Itís your whole life though and youíre the oldest youíve ever been so you donít see it that way.

Hereís what I think ó it doesnít sound like there is a lot of good here to build on. If you stay together, financially you will end up in the hole unless something changes. Are you gonna wait to lose your house? Iím fortunate that we have assets to divide still but seeing how much my husband was spending on himself in secret I realize that if we had made less money or this had somehow gone on longer I would be in a bad financial situation. Itís like a runaway train with their dishonesty when itís been so consistent for so long.

I value marriage and family more than anything and this has been completely horrible to go through. I think people here are just acknowledging that the likelihood of change in your situation that will make you feel secure again is low and that you still have a lot of your life ahead to have a financial and even relationship situation that is way better for you. That said, a marriage isnít something to be discarded lightly. But I wouldnít have initiated leaving and almost 6 months later Iím so glad I didnít waste any more time in a marriage that was destroying me in ways I didnít even see yet. How the kids will do remains to be seen and Iím not totally out yet but Iím hoping that things will continue to improve with time.

The anxiety that goes with being lied to is horrible though. And the betrayal. It hurts. Sorry youíre here but hopeful some of this helps?
If I stay in this marriage a few more years then I could wind up exactly in your situation! 37 and two kids! Except less assets to divvy up lol
Kids are important I want a second one soon but not if our issues are not fixed. I really want a sibling for my son but I donít want them to have different fathers.
I think if we divorced after I have 2 kids i might feel ok, like my life mission has been accomplished.

I know it seems the likelihood of change is so small, and I might be clasping at straws. Iím in two minds, just canít decide to keep trying, investing and being vulnerable or just call it quits. Completely torn.
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Old 5th April 2019, 8:03 AM   #27
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What types of things is your husband spending the majority of the money on?
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Old 5th April 2019, 8:28 AM   #28
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What types of things is your husband spending the majority of the money on?
Already answered by the OP

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... But my husband spends a lot on buying video games, recreational drug use which he claims to have stopped and some gambling, oh and a lot of smoking almost nothing on clothes and food, thatís where I spend my money.
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Old 5th April 2019, 9:08 AM   #29
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Honestly, I would try to address his spending issues before throwing in the towel completely. As others have pointed out, this isn't just a matter of being "irresponsible"; your husband has some issues he needs to work through. Blowing through $25k in two years shows that he needs to get some help. I understand that this is extremely difficult as you're smack dab in the middle of it right now. I suggest taking a step back, taking a breath and and see if you can come up with a game plan that will save your marriage. Get him counseling, cut him off from the finances by making him set up a separate bank account, etc..etc..
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Old 5th April 2019, 9:38 AM   #30
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One of the hard things about divorce is accepting that I can’t have what I want. I can’t have the intact family I wanted. I can remarry but that person won’t be the father of my kids. I have lost my house, my lifestyle, half my access to my kids. And so I get you saying but you want two kids with the same dad before you call it quits. It’s actually harder to let go of the dream than the reality.

But what the hell is he doing with that money? What if he gets charged with patronizing prostitution or possessing drugs? What if there is another woman and he has another child first? In my state that would reduce child support due to you for another child. I know it’s hard to let go of what was supposed to be but I think we tend to focus on the wrong things. This isn’t possible dishonesty it’s just dishonesty and whatever he spends that money on is worth lying to you repeatedly to keep a secret.
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