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Separation agreement question

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Old 18th March 2019, 12:00 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by SAonthewestcoast View Post
What did you find improved or helped make the situation tolerable?
Having realistic expectations and achievable short term goals. My wife and I stayed together for about 6 months after we'd agreed we were no longer "trying" for financial and logistical reasons, some involving our young son.

Neither of us dated (that would have been weird) but we both knew sex and marital companionship were off the table. I used the time to improve my finances (took a 2nd job), hang out with my kid and help her look for the right place to live nearby.

You also have to deal with other peoples expectations, many friends and family members will still see you as a couple. It's a very delicate balancing act, not sure I could have done it longer than we did.

Originally Posted by SAonthewestcoast View Post
They would also not know that he has hardly touched me since soon after our wedding day - and no, he is not interested in counseling.

Our marriage has been problematic from the beginning with many many ups and downs, typically related to my tolerability of no affection (physical nor words of endearment).
So this lack of physical and emotional connection is enough to derail your marriage, but you're going to put yourself in an open-ended, long-term arrangement that ensures you'll never find it with anyone else?

Hard to see that working out...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 18th March 2019, 1:36 AM   #17
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Helpful advice about changing my mindset and will probably be what I do. Thank you.

To answer Mr. Lucky's question. There was so much else for 18 years, the team approach to achieve the things I wanted to and to have a family that I've always dreamed of (coming from a divorced home). It made the lack of physical and loving/tender words bearable, at least for the most part. It wasn't this bad and I think I can do a separation "state" until the kids are 18 and off to college/university (5 years). I may be wrong.

It helps if you have a career you love and kids you adore and at least he's not physically abusive. It is probably bordering on the masochistic spectrum, but I think I'm too hard necked to allow that .
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Old 18th March 2019, 8:42 AM   #18
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Law is a profession for a reason. Iím not a family law attorney but I would never recommend someone with children do a DIY divorce. (This in reference to the spam post aboveóin case it gets deleted.)
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Old 18th March 2019, 8:59 AM   #19
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If you could legislate for bad behavior our crime rate would be zero.

No, you can't put those things in a separation agreement because those are terms of "togetherness" not separation. What's the remedy for dispute?

Courts will not waste time hearing contempt motions between two people who hate each other but decide to share the same living quarters anyway.

Be honest with yourself - even about an emotionally abusive marriage. You are NOT staying for the kids. You are staying because you are trapped, unprepared to leave, or otherwise seriously disadvantaged by the situation. It happens.

We can get blindsided by abuse. Abuse is also never limited to one arena. Abusers wreck our finances, our sensibility, sometimes even our careers. Getting out can be really difficult, but getting out is the only solution.

You may simply have to suck it up until you can extricate yourself from crazy.
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Old 18th March 2019, 9:23 AM   #20
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There is nothing in those terms that could even be remotely upheld in a court.
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Old 18th March 2019, 9:28 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by SAonthewestcoast View Post
I would have liked added to the contract were the ones addressing situations with more emotional abuse potential. I could have used other examples such as - who will do the washing, take out the garbage, etc.
I can tell you exactly how this plays out - ALL of it. Anything and everything about life that is not witnessed, not self gratifying, fun, or costs money becomes the responsibility of the person who is not selfish, not abusive.

This is why living together 'separated' from an abusive person does not work. You cannot enforce a boundary merely by shining a flashlight on the violation. Labeling the behavior doesn't stop it. Being an a** hole is not a legal problem.
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