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What was your hardest part of divorce

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 26th February 2019, 11:56 PM   #1
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What was your hardest part of divorce

I don't like to ruminate but was thinking how there are many difficult parts of divorce and everyone weighs those experiences differently. What was the hardest part for you?

Coming to the realization? Taking the action of filing? Moving? First time sleeping with someone new? Seeing the ex with someone new? Sharing custody? Single income?

And what was the biggest help of getting over the hardest part?
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:05 AM   #2
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Without a doubt it was losing time with my kids.

I felt like 100% justified in filing for divorce so I dont have personal experience on this one, but I talked to alot of divorced people who have struggled with why and how they ended up divorced and feeling they didn't really make the effort.
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:25 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Without a doubt it was losing time with my kids.
True, without question. My son was only 3 at the time, broke my heart not to be with him full time.

The biggest help was coming to the realization I could establish a satisfying single-parent relationship with him. It was different but in some ways better...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:35 AM   #4
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I have backspaced my answer and started over many times. My daughters were grown, but the loss of the "family" as a whole was very hard. It's a toss up between that and knowing I was giving up on my marriage after 32 years when I had tried so hard to make it work.

What I did (unintentionally) to get over it was to jump head first into a new marriage which was like jumping into a pool with no water. In hindsight, I should have given myself time to grieve the loss of my marriage instead of jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Now, dealing with the failure of my second marriage, I am taking time for ME. I am trying new things - doing things that I have always wanted to do, but never had the time, etc. Very soon, I plan to go on my first solo vacation to somewhere tropical.

Last edited by vla1120; 27th February 2019 at 12:41 AM..
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:46 AM   #5
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Reaching the point where I did not feel guilty for leaving someone with a decades long problem with depression. Followed closely by the money thing.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:49 AM   #6
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Having to still deal with his BS because our kids were young.

Best part was at least it wasn’t every day anymore.
a little messed up but we’re all alright
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:34 AM   #7
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Worst part was the overwhelming guilt of breaking up 'family unit'.

I'm the first divorced person in my family so divorcing wasn't a thing for us.

My parents have been married almost 50 years, most of it pretty awful for us as they made it both quite clear they stayed 'for us' so that was the example I had growing uo.

My marriage was beyond bad but I had promised myself I'd only ever had one LTR and in hindsight, I stuck it out much longer than I should have out of guilt and because I made marriage vows 'for better for worse' that I took too literally (there was no better, just a series of worse apart from having my children).

Once I made the decision to leave, it took around 3 years of comings and goings, and another 2 to have him accept the decision was final.

The biggest help was my family and friends' support, being totally self-reliant and seeing my children grow into lovely, kind, thoughtful people in a relatively drama-free environment.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:39 PM   #8
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A few years prior trying to figure out how to get out without hurting or leaving my kids. When I knew I was done she blackmailed me with my kids which took me sometime to finally call her bluff. The day the paper finally got signed was the best day I had in years. The aftermath was 17 yrs of extraordinary difficult time co-parenting with a very pissed off ex.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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Old 27th February 2019, 8:52 PM   #9
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I'm not there yet... but I feel it's close. And not having all the quiet moments with my kids will be the killer. (and things like Christmas morning)
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:01 PM   #10
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the vast, eternal silence. for about a year it felt like I had lost a limb, a part of myself that was no longer there.

I learned to enjoy the silence, but the first few months were unbearable. I felt terribly alone and lost.
This above all: To thine own self be true
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:44 AM   #11
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The hardest part for me was telling our kids that we were getting a divorce...and not telling them the reason for it was their cheating mother. The next hardest part was dropping them off at my ex's house for the weekend and driving away. I cried like a baby as I drove away. The third hardest part was not seeing them on Christmas morning.
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:45 AM   #12
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The worst part was trying to move on with the right person. My ex destroyed my sense of trust, even to this day. I am forever changed and although in a much better place with my current wife I still struggle. I love her dearly but she has a hard time grasping why I'm not the same man as before, why my ex got the better more innocent part of me. I try to explain to her that I am changed now, I can't help it and I wish she could have experienced the old me as she is so much better than what my ex was.
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Old 1st March 2019, 1:08 AM   #13
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The hardest part was there was nothing I could do to keep my children's family together. I felt I'd failed them.

Next in this order:

1. Loss of the man I loved

2. Financial hardship

3. Loneliness especially when the kids were with their dad

4. Seeing my ex with his girlfriend

5. My ex's remarriage

That said, throughout all the grief and hardship I grew immensely strong through my relationship with Jesus Christ. I am a far better woman in every way than I ever was when I was married. I have really benefitted in all ways.

My ex, OTOH, has lost the respect of his children and the community, looks twenty to thirty years older than I do and is on his fourth marriage, which it seems probably won't last.

I can now see all the heartache I went through was for my good. I only wish my children hadn't suffered so.
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Old 1st March 2019, 7:39 AM   #14
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The hardest for me was accepting my marriage was over. xH was unfaithful for years, critical and dismissive of me. Around year 20 I started weighing the pros and cons seriously. It took me another 3 to end it.

I'm still not sure why I held on so long - I've always been capable of being financially independent and I'm not a needy or clingy person. The thought of marriage now makes me a little queasy!
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:41 AM   #15
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Losing the family unit and all the goals we had as a family. The house we bought to one day retire in and see our grandchildren also crawling the floors... the house we bought that my kids would always have their bedrooms when they came for visits.

Realizing my marriage and the 20 years I spent in it was a farce and all smoke screens and mirrors.

Sharing holidays.

Trying to trust another person again. Him being amazing but still constantly fly looking over my back suspicious.
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