LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

9+ years I love you but im not in love with you


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree19Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:22 PM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
like I said 3 times now I am putting my kids first every single time my life is revolving around them taking them out every day making sure there happy and that me and the mum love them both so much

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 4:29 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:42 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4,047
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Okay, you're not married. Here's what I would do. I would petition the court and insist she does joint custody of the children. Those are her kids too. She can't just dump them on you and go do whatever she wants.

Make her do her half and don't let her talk you into taking the load.

.
I don't think there is any such thing as making someone take joint custody. That's usually something a parent requests for themselves, not something that is forced upon them. If this mom wants to walk away from her children and abandon her custody then there is no law that will stop her from doing that. If parents could force their ex to take joint custody then you better believe that there would be hordes of single moms doing that very thing.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:44 PM   #18
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
Yeah, but she's not. And I agree she had kids too young and feels she missed out on her young adult years and is restless and probably totally needs to find herself, but having kids isn't like buying a bathing suit you don't like. You are still obligated to accept your own limitations and take care of your kids and she should be made to do that. She might be happier on her own but still having joint custody than she is living with the father of her kids.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:51 PM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Yeah, but she's not. And I agree she had kids too young and feels she missed out on her young adult years and is restless and probably totally needs to find herself, but having kids isn't like buying a bathing suit you don't like. You are still obligated to accept your own limitations and take care of your kids and she should be made to do that. She might be happier on her own but still having joint custody than she is living with the father of her kids.
I never once said she is running away from her responsibility's

she has both our girls 2-3 times a week due to her work been on a 2 week rota 3 days one week 4 days the next

and as I stated before shes not happy with her life right now she has told me this her self

and yes your right that is something else she has told me she feels like she needs to find her self
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 4:52 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4,047
OP your girlfriend is most likely seeing someone else. People in long term relationships usually don't contemplate whether what they feel for their partner is being in love or just love unless they have feelings for someone else and they are comparing.

I don't understand how she can just walk out on her kids like that, especially when they rely on her for support, but she did and now you have to make the best of it for your children. Let her go and start making the best life you can for you and your kids.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 5:23 PM   #21
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
OP your girlfriend is most likely seeing someone else. People in long term relationships usually don't contemplate whether what they feel for their partner is being in love or just love unless they have feelings for someone else and they are comparing.

I don't understand how she can just walk out on her kids like that, especially when they rely on her for support, but she did and now you have to make the best of it for your children. Let her go and start making the best life you can for you and your kids.
being honest I don't know if she has someone else or not but she did tell me she was asked out on a date and she said no because it don't feel right and other people have asked her if shes seeing someone else and she has said no she has no reason to lie were not together

she also knows that I am here for her I know its a stupid thing to say and maybe in 6 months a year down the line if she comes back I might decide I don't want her

for now my focus is my kids and getting over this
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 6:29 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 503
The reason she would choose to lie if sheís seeing someone is because of what you said...she knows you are there for her and she might come back in 6 months or something down the road. Sheís keeping you as a backup plan.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 7:01 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
The reason she would choose to lie if sheís seeing someone is because of what you said...she knows you are there for her and she might come back in 6 months or something down the road. Sheís keeping you as a backup plan.
yes I have seen a lot of people saying stuff like that on other threads I'm not sure tbh why would she shes not in love with me
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 7:24 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 503
Sometimes people do things that donít make sense. Like you wanting her to come back but also saying you donít think she is in love with you.

Donít feel bad I donít have my stuff figured out at all. Itís easier from the outside loooking in.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 7:37 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Sometimes people do things that donít make sense. Like you wanting her to come back but also saying you donít think she is in love with you.

Donít feel bad I donít have my stuff figured out at all. Itís easier from the outside loooking in.
I think its more to do with her reason for splitting up after all this time

thought our relationship I haven't always been in love with her there was times when I thought about leaving but didn't because when you love someone you don't just walk away you work through it

it just doesn't make sense
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 1:16 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 368
Quote:
Originally Posted by S1LVER GTi View Post
I think its more to do with her reason for splitting up after all this time

thought our relationship I haven't always been in love with her there was times when I thought about leaving but didn't because when you love someone you don't just walk away you work through it

it just doesn't make sense
Nothing makes sense when you're in this much pain. You have to stop making this all about her.

There are a few dysfunctional things in your narrative that have to be unpacked and one of them is this very flawed notion that when we "Don't Walk Away" then therefore, it must be "Love."

We don't know why she is walking away to whatever extent that entails and to be honest - she may be the one making the more healthy choices right now. She would need some distance to acquire insight into why she keeps going back to such a painful relationship. Perhaps she's not abandoning her kids as much as trying to get a handle on what remains apart from that very clear obligation.

Presently, you're being reactive rather than proactive and possibly you've been this way throughout the entire relationship. That's a huge burden for the other person to carry. You need to have a life that isn't on "pause" waiting to take your next cue from someone else.

It's important for you to have your own center, and to be your own person. Putting your kids first means each of you having a strong self with whom they can identify. Your identity is not showing up in this narrative. You appear to be an extension of her or at least who you want her to be.

Last edited by Turning point; 24th February 2019 at 1:21 AM..
Turning point is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 7:56 AM   #27
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
Nothing makes sense when you're in this much pain. You have to stop making this all about her.

There are a few dysfunctional things in your narrative that have to be unpacked and one of them is this very flawed notion that when we "Don't Walk Away" then therefore, it must be "Love."

We don't know why she is walking away to whatever extent that entails and to be honest - she may be the one making the more healthy choices right now. She would need some distance to acquire insight into why she keeps going back to such a painful relationship. Perhaps she's not abandoning her kids as much as trying to get a handle on what remains apart from that very clear obligation.

Presently, you're being reactive rather than proactive and possibly you've been this way throughout the entire relationship. That's a huge burden for the other person to carry. You need to have a life that isn't on "pause" waiting to take your next cue from someone else.

It's important for you to have your own center, and to be your own person. Putting your kids first means each of you having a strong self with whom they can identify. Your identity is not showing up in this narrative. You appear to be an extension of her or at least who you want her to be.
obvs I would be an extention of her at the min we were together for a long time and I don't get what you mean keeps coming back shes not

and my life is not on pause at all I'm still going out and doing things with my self the only problem I am having is getting my head around it I don't think it helps that we talk daily but theres not a lot I can do about that

I feel a lot better than I did a month ago but I carnt stop thinking about her I also know that she checks my facebook on a daily basis not sure why she also still has my last name on her instergram account and has been on there since we split

she also still has all the pics of me and her up on her accounts and I also know she has actual pictures of me and her with her

I don't know whats going on and its a struggle but slowly but surely I'm getting through it
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 8:26 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,570
Quote:
Originally Posted by S1LVER GTi View Post
being honest I don't know if she has someone else or not but she did tell me she was asked out on a date and she said no because it don't feel right and other people have asked her if shes seeing someone else and she has said no she has no reason to lie were not together

she also knows that I am here for her I know its a stupid thing to say and maybe in 6 months a year down the line if she comes back I might decide I don't want her

for now my focus is my kids and getting over this
They all tend to lie about having someone else. She left for a reason. If you have access to her phone bill go online. You'll probably see it in there.

Most like you will stay in denial wanting to believe but that is a false comfort.

Sorry you're here.
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2019, 6:43 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 368
Quote:
Originally Posted by S1LVER GTi View Post
I also know that she checks my facebook on a daily basis not sure why she also still has my last name on her instergram account and has been on there since we split

she also still has all the pics of me and her up on her accounts
This is not helpful. You cannot use online content as an emotional measuring stick. Stay off of social media and focus on what is real.

Listen to what she says and compare it to her actions. That is what's real.
Turning point is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th February 2019, 7:35 PM   #30
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
so people I have got to the bottom of why she left me

she feels like I took her for granted

so now my mission is to prove my self to her and then she will come to me when shes ready to talk I have a lot of self improvement to make but that's ok I need it anyways
S1LVER GTi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Girl rejected me 5 years ago, but messages me out of the blue after 5 years? MashedPotatoes Second Chances 6 3rd September 2015 11:55 AM
11 Years gone - 16 Years Old to 27 Years old - julzfromsa Breaks and Breaking Up 54 3rd February 2014 2:17 PM
Together 14 years; get 'I love you but am not in love with you' from husband iamwonderwoman Infidelity 36 18th November 2012 10:16 PM
16 years and he tells me "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore" kat0673 Separation and Divorce 14 6th May 2011 2:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:28 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.