NorthCarolinadude123 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) Hey guys, So my wife and I are separated after almost being together 10 years. She put me out after 4 months after finding me emailing another woman and going through my phone finding a tab labelled cheating on your wife and still married. First off I was dead wrong for expressing some of what I'm about to tell to another woman. I should have sought counseling earlier and stayed in it. For several years up until now we just didn't have the money as we struggled truthfully. But I should have made it happen. Backstory: I met my wife online right after (days) I broke up with a woman who I went to school with/grew up with hurt me. So I said ok well if someone who I went to school with grew up with would do this let me try the online thing foreign/domestic. She messaged me online and we started talking and she was from lets just say the opposite side of the world. We started talking going on camera and got close really fast. Sharing things we've been through and overcame. I expressed to her that over time I was depressed and tried suicide 22 years ago and overcame it by the grace of God. She told me the story about her past which included a narcissistic mother who basically abused her, abandoned her and her brothers like 2 months after father died. She was now a Christian and changing her life and had a career despite her upbringing and even talked with the mother and did things for the mother. Later on in the relationship she said her mother would threaten suicide and would cause an uproar. Well wouldn't you know my wife did that to me as she threatened suicide several times while dating and I'd call to check on her and plead with her not to do it. I said you can overcome it. (I know I should have ran but I know how it feels to feel like that was the only option and that was part of the reason why I wanted to be a support as she had no one else.) She also told me that her family as a whole abandoned her because of her mother like the people on her fathers side. By the way her father was the most amazing person in the world according to her as he worked 2 jobs to support the family and was very loving and attentive. Her mother on the other hand would beat her. Her mother told her that she almost died coming here and would hate that she was born in life. She said she broke her arm playing and mom left it broken for like 8 hours until father came home stuff like that. I asked was she in counseling and she said she went to a couple of sessions and they gave her meds. She kept saying why should I have to pay for what other people did to me. She went and stopped getting treatment and this has been a common theme. She said the drs told her she had PTSD, anxiety, depression, ocd and now personality disorder. The doctors marveled at how she could still function and so did I honestly. For years though I threatened to leave and told her to find someone else and she did. There was some domestic violence and I was wrong for that. I turned myself in to authorities and got the mandated counseling for the program that helped change me. I've not been perfect either with several job losses and she stood by me. I know I made several mistakes but I'm still wanting to work because she never got help consistently and neither did I. I figure if we both worked on ourselves who knows as it could be a story of ultimate redemption and a testimony to the Lord. By the way she doesn't believe in God because he shouldn't have let her father die. I stopped going to church because it would be a big argument by me going and tithing. Also, I stopped going to see my family and they didn't come over because it was so toxic. I'd spend time looking up various technologies like NLP to help with PTSD and she's not been receptive as well. Present: I've got/had my own issues I'm working on like self worth mainly. I'm getting counseling now and involved in volunteering along with church regularly. In July of 2018 I broke and did the wrong thing. I wish I didn't get involved in an affair. She was a very sweet person at times minus everything else and started going out with "friends" recently she never had as I was her world. She's been dating while I was still in the house behind my back.She said that I stirred up her PTSD, anxiety, etc because I cheated. She kept asking me when I'd leave so I got a place. She wants to still be friends like nothing happened. Well she told me that she slept with 4 guys and now has a roommate she's dating who moved in last week but he doesn't have a job or car. She told me that she isn't well. I said get him out and get help she sais she will in her own time. I'm a Christian and I want to help her but she's a totally different person now and I don't know what to do. I'm getting counseling myself but is there anything else I can do at this point. She wanted me to help her out financially while I'm in my place but we're separated .A couple of weeks ago she asked me to help out financially and I said no then she moved a guy in who she's dating. We got into an argument yesterday and I asked her what is her outcome. She brung up things from 2010 like domestic abuse and said I hurt her with her cheating. I haven't seen my counselor in several weeks now and have an appointment coming up but this has happened in the last week. Edited January 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Well she told me that she slept with 4 guys and now has a roomate she's dating who moved in last week but he doesn't have a job or car. She told me that she isn't well. I said get him out and get help she sais she will in her own time. I'm a Christian and I want to help her but she's a totally different person now and I don't know what to do. I'm getting counseling myself but is there anything else I can do at this point. She wanted me to help her out financially while I'm in my place but we're seperated .A couple of weeks ago she asked me to help out financially and I said no then she moved a guy in who she's dating. We got into an argument yesterday and I asked her what is her outcome. She brung up things from 2010 like domestic abuse and said I hurt her with her cheating. I haven't seen my counselor in several weeks now and have an appointment coming up but this has happened in the last week. NorthCarolinadude123, the hard truth is you only get to be in charge of you. That means you can't solve problems, make decisions or select choices for her. Your focus should be on finding a healthier emotional place from which you can move on with your life. It does no good for you to be involved in her rotating cast of roommates and bed partners so, unless you have kids, it would make more sense to communicate through a lawyer. Sounds like there's plenty of blame to go around, but that seems to be history. Work with your counselor on moving forward... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NorthCarolinadude123 Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 Mr.Lucky, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I saw one (counselor) today who said there was no way we could continue if we individually don't get help. She said I was actually hurting her by being an emotional blanket. You're right I can only control me and get myself to the point where I can move forward. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Mr.Lucky, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I saw one (counselor) today who said there was no way we could continue if we individually don't get help. She said I was actually hurting her by being an emotional blanket. You're right I can only control me and get myself to the point where I can move forward. Thank you You have found a good counsellor. I think you are starting to see what you have to do. Keep working with the counsellor and you will get there. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Supasta Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Wow!!! When you describe your wife, I think of myself... I think of my marriage which fell apart... I suffer from Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) , severe depression and bipolar. My husband treated me like a piece of s*** for 11 years... Can't believe I stayed that long. We separated in March last year, and December 2018 we tried to fix things. All I feel for him is resentment. Pure, utter resentment. How can you you be Blessed with such a beautiful, strong soul, and then put her through turmoil and abuse her???! God put her in your capable hands to love and cherish her, how evil you are????! Maybe I'm taking this too personal... I don't mean to offend you. We can all do better. I hope she can get some kind of therapy or counselling, psychiatric help, something. God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
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