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Wife left me but wants to live together for kids


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Old 13th October 2018, 6:50 AM   #1
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Wife left me but wants to live together for kids

My wife of 4 years, been together for 12 has said that our marriage is over, it has only been 5 days but she said that she has fallen out of love over a period of time and no hope of getting it back. We have just bought our first house together and 6 days after moving in she tells me. I had notice her behaviour was withdrawn for a few weeks before, so I asked a few times what's wrong and the last time she then told me. We have 2 boys together 6 and 3 and for their sake she wants me to stay and play happy familys, living together but separate, I have told her that I'm not giving up that easy but in the mean time make like all is fine for the kids, I would prefer this rather than living apart as I love her so much, as least I can still be close to her, we still sleep in the same bed, as I go to sleep much erlia than her, i can't take the sofa and I wouldn't want her to. There is no anger between us. It's so hard, I come home from work and there is my wife and kids, but I can't touch her, kiss her or hold her, this is breaking my heart. I need to win her love again.
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Old 13th October 2018, 7:20 AM   #2
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Check your phone bill. If she has a boyfriend you'll probably find his number there.
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Old 13th October 2018, 9:48 AM   #3
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Indeed. It sounds like she wants you to continue paying her bills, she wants to stay in the new house, while she explores other options. There is no other reasons why a woman would suggest such a ridiculous idea.

Think long and hard before you agree to this plan. She's hoping that the love you feel for her and the hope you have for reconcilliation will cause you to make an emotional rather than a rational decision. Her plan makes good sense for her, but there is no benefit for you.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 13th October 2018 at 9:50 AM..
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Old 13th October 2018, 12:04 PM   #4
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Move out and start doing your own thing and I guarantee she will want you back even if she has another dude in the picture. You being right there like a dog on the leash being denied treats is making you look beta as hell. Tell her if she doesn't want to put out you're moving out and I won't go without. Stand up for yourself and you will see a different wife.
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Old 13th October 2018, 12:24 PM   #5
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Terrible idea.
Kids can sniff out false family displays of playing House.
It seems your wife wants all the benefits of marriage, and all the freedom of being single.
I would not rule out her having an affair of some kind.
Tread carefully, I think things are going to get even more confusing.
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Old 13th October 2018, 2:47 PM   #6
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Do not move out! In some states it is considered abandonment, you could end up being responsible for paying the mortgage while she and the kids live there and you not be able to stay there.
See an attorney to find out your rights.
Also, do not be suckered into thinking that your wife is still your friend. She is an enemy to your family.
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Old 13th October 2018, 4:42 PM   #7
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Do not move out! In some states it is considered abandonment, you could end up being responsible for paying the mortgage while she and the kids live there and you not be able to stay there.
See an attorney to find out your rights.
Also, do not be suckered into thinking that your wife is still your friend. She is an enemy to your family.
This. Exactly.

First things first, you need to know the truth. It's highly likely that your wife has someone else that she is either sleeping with, or wants to be sleeping with. You need to know for sure because only then will you be able to make an informed decision.

A woman doesn't just make a decision to leave her marriage so quickly. The fact that she has made a unilateral decision, that she is unwilling to consider working to save the marriage, and she has a plan are HUGE red flags. This site is littered with posts from men like yourself who present the same story, only to learn that their wives were not being honest with them...

If she is otherwise engaged with someone else, she is not your wife anymore, she is not your friend. She is an enemy to your marriage and your family.

It's unreasonable for her to think that she can "end the marriage" but maintain the family home. She says that she is doing it "for the children" but really, it is more likely that she wants to maintain her standard of living and have a backup plan while she pursues other options...

So, get the truth from your wife. What has happened in your marriage/her life that have caused her to make this decision. Once you have all the information, you should definitely see an attorney before you make any decisions.

Last edited by BaileyB; 13th October 2018 at 4:52 PM..
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Old 13th October 2018, 5:35 PM   #8
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Not a good idea. Here's what happened to someone I know. They divorced. There was a divorce settlement that he never paid because she didn't move out. A couple of years passed. Then she decided to go after him for the two years of divorce settlement and nearly put his business in bankruptcy. He'd been supporting her those two years, but because it was a legal agreement, she just went ahead and had her attorney go after him and it cost a fortune to stop the carnage and get resettled. Plus who wants to live with someone they don't get along with anymore? That's not good for the kids. That's teaching your kids not to opt to be happy and to just put up with bad behavior, etc.

If you've been supporting her, you'll be paying child support. If you do 50/50 joint custody, she will be responsible for supporting herself more and your child support will be less.
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Old 13th October 2018, 7:01 PM   #9
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I am new at this but here a my thoughts,

This is about your kids learning to treat themselves with dignity and stay in control of their self worth decades from now.
Say nothing about this to her:
Talk to a lawyer, get the papers ready and be ready to serve her papers.
Then, decide what you want, be certain, then tell her you want those things, be it marriage counseling, or whatever. If she says no, be respectful and kind and tell her you wonít live that way. Then pull the trigger with the lawyer and be prepared to never look back. If she turns around, your preferences are known, she has to meet them and you are in control of your future. Your kids get to see a person with dignity as long as you do this with respect and kindness they will respect you and themselves in their own lives. If she wonít be the partner you want, move on without making her decision affect your self worth. She will end up taking you to the cleaners but you donít have to live miserable and your kids donít either when they find a partner later in life.
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Old 14th October 2018, 1:33 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
She says that she is doing it "for the children" but really, it is more likely that she wants to maintain her standard of living and have a backup plan while she pursues other options...
Dec1000, this is exactly what's going on. This isn't about your kids, it about her desire to have a platform from which to launch some imagined new life. If you get deceived and hurt in the process, she sees that as acceptable collateral damage.

Lots at stake here. Quit thinking she's the woman you've known and look to take care of you and yours - she's already doing that and several steps ahead of you. You've known about this for 5 days, I guarantee she's been planning this for much longer.

Get an attorney and follow the advice given. Sorry this has happened...

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Old 14th October 2018, 5:59 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Dec1000 View Post
My wife of 4 years, been together for 12 has said that our marriage is over, it has only been 5 days but she said that she has fallen out of love over a period of time and no hope of getting it back. We have just bought our first house together and 6 days after moving in she tells me. I had notice her behaviour was withdrawn for a few weeks before, so I asked a few times what's wrong and the last time she then told me. We have 2 boys together 6 and 3 and for their sake she wants me to stay and play happy familys, living together but separate, I have told her that I'm not giving up that easy but in the mean time make like all is fine for the kids, I would prefer this rather than living apart as I love her so much, as least I can still be close to her, we still sleep in the same bed, as I go to sleep much erlia than her, i can't take the sofa and I wouldn't want her to. There is no anger between us. It's so hard, I come home from work and there is my wife and kids, but I can't touch her, kiss her or hold her, this is breaking my heart. I need to win her love again.
First of all, buying a house isn't an overnight thing. I am sorry you went through the entire process and then were blindsided 6 days after you moved in. You may love her, but if I were in your shoes, I would be too angry to look her in the eye. It certainly sounds like she is either having, or thinking of having an affair.

As far as "staying together for the kids", I (angrily) stayed married to my husband for 32 years "for the kids" (even after he cheated.) My girls did not have a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like, and therefore, I now have three grown daughters who have had nothing but dysfunctional relationships - one after another.

Consult with a lawyer and do what is best for you and your sons (while she continues to try to get you to do what is best for her.) Best of luck.
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Old 14th October 2018, 6:26 AM   #12
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Thanks, everyone for your advice, but I can't leave, how can I win her back if I'm not around to try but in the same breath, how will she know how hard life would be without me, if I stay. I don't believe that she is or thinking about an affair unless it was with a woman, wich I would have said was extremely unlikely, there are no men at her work or in her circle of friends and she doesn't have the time for that. She's just carrying on like normal, laughing, joking with her mother who's visiting, while I sit there, dead inside. So I got up and left the house for a couple of hours, when I returned, she didn't ask where I had been, just carrying on like we had nothing. chores or errands, I might have done before, she is just doing like she doesn't need me for anything anymore. I'm trying to compose myself and be cheerful when I can as I know she won't want to be with an emotional wreck although she know I'm struggling.
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Old 14th October 2018, 6:37 AM   #13
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Perhaps you can tell her that, in order for this to work (living separately under the same roof) you would like to go to marriage counseling together. At the very least, you should seek counseling for yourself, to help deal with this situation.

At some point, there was love and an attraction between you. It is possible to get that back if you are both willing to work on it together. If there is no one else, and she wants to stay in the marriage for the sake of your children, I can only imagine that she would also be willing to try to make that coexistence more pleasant for everyone involved. Maybe you could do the leg work in finding a therapist, then invite her to accompany you, for the sake of the family.
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Old 14th October 2018, 9:32 AM   #14
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Talking

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Originally Posted by Dec1000 View Post
Thanks, everyone for your advice, but I can't leave, how can I win her back if I'm not around to try but in the same breath, how will she know how hard life would be without me, if I stay...
The theory of ďhow can I win her backĒ that I see is to make them understand what they have lost. You sitting there being miserable makes you a doormat. No woman will be attracted to that. Every minute you are miserable and accept it, you are making yourself even less attractive to her. Think about how attractive she would be if you told her what she told you and she just sat there fuming in silence, falling into despair and depression. She would look uglier every day, youíd resent her more and more. You are doing just that by not taking charge of [I]your life.[/]

Play this out in your head as if she has no reason to change unless you give her one. Begging, pleading, doing things to impress her will not work. You have to become attractive and love yourself before anybody will ever love you, itís just a fact.

Your gonna have to man up, and do it for you, if she loves what you become, great! If not, youíre happy anyway, it wonít matter what she does because you will know you are awesome and she becomes the lost soul that is missing out. Your kids will know you are awesome and feel sorry for the mom that seemed lost.

Otherwise they are going to you sitting there, sad, depressed, pining away at something you canít have.

Work on yourself, become irresistible!
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Old 14th October 2018, 10:15 AM   #15
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Playing the "pick me dance" trying to nice them back always seems to have the opposite affect.

It tends to lower your status.

Go your own way. I get you're in shock but most in your position seem to make the same mistakes.

The world isn't going to end. Talk doesn't get you a thing. You can't make someone love you. Your actions maybe the only thing you have to work with.

Needy clingy at this time will push her farther away. Distance seems to have the opposite effect from what I've seen.
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