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She won't let new partner see my daughter.


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Old 29th January 2018, 5:38 PM   #1
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She won't let new partner see my daughter.

Hi. This is a long and complex story, but basically, my wife and I separated 4 months ago and I live in an apartment now.

The way we separated was ugly. We had an open marriage, I met someone new, and fell in love. It's important to understand that my wife HATES my girlfriend because she thinks of her as a homewrecker and is extremely insecure about me leaving. She directs all of her negative emotions toward her.

For the most part my wife and I actually get along. The girlfriend is the sole reason her and I fight or have incredibly painful conversations together. She threatens suicide and leaving to another state to get away from everything.

I love my girlfriend, and wish that her and I can just have a normal relationship, and I also want to have a civil relationship with my wife. What I'm struggling with is the question of "is that unreasonable?". My wife has a boyfriend, she has a house, a successful business, she turned all of our mutual friends and family against me. She needs to let me go. If I hurt my wife, does she need to spend the rest of her life hoping that me and the girlfriend break up? She has already admitted that her and I are not good together (maybe reluctantly).

It's just that I live in fear of my wife hearing or knowing anything about the girlfriend. I need to keep all of my social media private from her, I need to tremble in fear of my daughter ever mentioning her name or telling my wife that the three of us went to a park and had a nice time, etc.

Am I supposed to break up with my girlfriend and tell her "sorry, it's just not meant to be". She loves my daughter and they spend time together because we all hang out when it's my week. I already put a boundary on her moving in with me (even though that makes the most financial sense), and I am now having to put a boundary on how often she can see my daughter.



My wife and I were together for 13 years. Married for 7.
My daughter is 5 years old.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years.

Last edited by daveavery8067; 29th January 2018 at 5:46 PM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:30 PM   #2
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I would imagine that there's nothing your wife can do to stop you from having your daughter see your new partner. However, I would be concerned if she moved out of state.

Have you spoken about this with your lawyer? Can she be legally prevented from moving away with your daughter?
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:36 PM   #3
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I would imagine that there's nothing your wife can do to stop you from having your daughter see your new partner. However, I would be concerned if she moved out of state.

Have you spoken about this with your lawyer? Can she be legally prevented from moving away with your daughter?
She won't actually take my daughter away. It's a cry for help. By talking about suicide, posting desperate messages on Facebook, threatening to move... she's trying to make me "feel remorse" and break up with my girlfriend. She makes that very clear.

I really want my wife to be okay. I do have guilt about how she feels. However - yes, I chose another partner to be with. My wife is 35, she's pretty, she's smart... I can only do so much and encourage her to just move on.
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:47 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by daveavery8067 View Post
She won't actually take my daughter away. It's a cry for help. By talking about suicide, posting desperate messages on Facebook, threatening to move... she's trying to make me "feel remorse" and break up with my girlfriend. She makes that very clear.

I really want my wife to be okay. I do have guilt about how she feels. However - yes, I chose another partner to be with. My wife is 35, she's pretty, she's smart... I can only do so much and encourage her to just move on.
You seem to have very little awareness of just how deeply she's hurting over your betrayal. That's sad.

She has no control over who your daughter sees when she's in your care, but you should consider adjusting your expectations about everyone just being hunky-dory now. It's not realistic. She's hurt, and will be for a long time. Also, it's HARD as a mom to let your daughter develop a relationship with another mother figure. I've been there and it hurts a lot. Try to develop some compassion for these issues. Yeah, it would be nice if she'd let you off the guilt hook by being happy happy, but aint gonna happen.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:00 PM   #5
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You seem to have very little awareness of just how deeply she's hurting over your betrayal. That's sad.
Combined with a seeming blind-eye to the effect of all this chaos on a 5-year old. Dad, Mom, Dad's new GF, Mom's new BF, open marriage, fights, suicide threats, in-laws not speaking, potential out-of-state relocation - all within 4 months.

Too bad kids don't get their own lawyers, sounds like she could use one ...

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Old 29th January 2018, 7:18 PM   #6
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I'm pretty sure mommy's threats are doing more emotional damage to your child then exposure to your GF.


If mommy already has a BF, her insistence that you keep your child away from your GF is ridiculous.


Talk to your lawyer about what can be done I would suggest some type of mediation or family counseling. It has to be about what's best for the 5 year old. If you genuinely think your EX is a danger to herself or others, have the police do a wellness check when she threatens suicide & then move for primary physical custody of your child. You can't take the chance that the kid will be the one to find the body if mommy offs herself.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:22 PM   #7
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I'm pretty sure mommy's threats are doing more emotional damage to your child then exposure to your GF.


If mommy already has a BF, her insistence that you keep your child away from your GF is ridiculous.


Talk to your lawyer about what can be done I would suggest some type of mediation or family counseling. It has to be about what's best for the 5 year old. If you genuinely think your EX is a danger to herself or others, have the police do a wellness check when she threatens suicide & then move for primary physical custody of your child. You can't take the chance that the kid will be the one to find the body if mommy offs herself.
Other than the title of this thread, I'm not even seeing where he's been explicitly told to not allow daughter and girlfriend to see each other. Mom probably is aware she has no legal right to do that, but it doesn't mean she has to be happy about it. The woman broke up her family.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:30 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Other than the title of this thread, I'm not even seeing where he's been explicitly told to not allow daughter and girlfriend to see each other. Mom probably is aware she has no legal right to do that, but it doesn't mean she has to be happy about it. The woman broke up her family.

No she broke up her own family by allowing the open marriage in the first place. But I see your point.


Mommy doesn't have be thrilled with the OW/ now GF.


However, the safety of the child still has to come 1st, no matter how the "adults" are misbehaving.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:39 PM   #9
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No she broke up her own family by allowing the open marriage in the first place. But I see your point.
Yes, if she was completely aware that she was in an open marriage, I agree!
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Old 29th January 2018, 9:04 PM   #10
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You have an open marriage, your wife has a boyfriend yet she is freaking out that you have a girlfriend too? Not sure of the rules here but it seems it's okay for her to do whatever and it's not okay for you.

Keep your child protected, right now no need to involve your gf with your daughter until you and your wife are divorced. Your daughter comes first in all this no matter what.

Though here's a question, has your daughter met her boyfriend? If so, then your wife is being unreasonable.
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Old 29th January 2018, 10:15 PM   #11
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well - legally - i don’t think your wife can stop your partner from meeting your daughter... however - you are both moving WAY too fast.

you’ve been separated for only FOUR months and you’ve already seriously thought about moving in together with your new partner...? that’s insane. i understand that you’ve been with your girlfriend for a long time but she is a stranger to your daughter who had her entire life changed FOUR MONTHS AGO.

so keeping your girlfriend out of the picture and building a new relationship with your child actually seems like a great idea. not sure where’s the rush? if you have a stable relationship - you can wait until your child adapts to a new situation. moving in together, a life together - it won’t disappear anywhere.

i agree with the previous posters - between mother’s new BF, your new girlfriend, constant tension, suicide threats, you not really having any alone time with your kid... does she have a second to stop & breathe? jesus... it’s hard on an adult, let alone a 5year old.

by the way - i went through your previous threads and some informations do not add up. in fact, according to this thread... you’ve been with your GF for 2.5 years; according to info from your previous thread, your open marriage lasted less than 2 years - so it seems that you found the GF before you found the open marriage, which would explain your wife’s hostility.

Last edited by minimariah; 29th January 2018 at 10:30 PM..
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