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Old 14th December 2017, 1:01 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
Are you in a common law state? If not, you owe her none of the equity. If the kids remain with you, she owes you child support. No need to wait until May, putting yourself in agony. Find out the process for eviction, and follow it. If the AP is married, inform his wife. So sorry that you are in this position.
I'm starting to get to that point. Missouri is not common law. We had a deep conversation on Sunday, she cried, apologized, and said we were back in a relationship. Monday I could tell something had changed. I checked her messages and over the weekend the guy stopped texting her, then Monday he started back up. His texts say he doesn't want a relationship, that he just wants to be friends, that its not her, its him. Despite this she is still texting him, I'll be it with non sexual texts, but she is craving his attention. At the same time she is texting and calling me. I do everything for her, and have to stop. I am in complete agony, I can't tell you the dark thoughts I've had. I feel worthless, lonely, and like no one will ever want me again. It's obvious I am her comfort (home) and he is her excitement (sex). Despite this we have had sex 5 out of the last 7 days lol. It appears I am filling the void in ever category. I am starting to realize there is no point in keeping someone who doesn't want me after 13 years.
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Old 14th December 2017, 1:28 PM   #77
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You are correct sir...

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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
I'm starting to get to that point. Missouri is not common law. We had a deep conversation on Sunday, she cried, apologized, and said we were back in a relationship. Monday I could tell something had changed. I checked her messages and over the weekend the guy stopped texting her, then Monday he started back up. His texts say he doesn't want a relationship, that he just wants to be friends, that its not her, its him. Despite this she is still texting him, I'll be it with non sexual texts, but she is craving his attention. At the same time she is texting and calling me. I do everything for her, and have to stop. I am in complete agony, I can't tell you the dark thoughts I've had. I feel worthless, lonely, and like no one will ever want me again. It's obvious I am her comfort (home) and he is her excitement (sex). Despite this we have had sex 5 out of the last 7 days lol. It appears I am filling the void in ever category. I am starting to realize there is no point in keeping someone who doesn't want me after 13 years.
You are correct sir...There is no point at all.

The only reason that she wants you back is because he dumped her. You are #2 and you always will be.

I don't say this to hurt you, I say it to wake you up to reality.

You must get her out of your house and end your relationship with her.

She has zero respect for you, and zero respect for your relationship and zero respect for your family that you two have built together.

If you take her back for any reason, you will regret it more than you can imagine.

This is not the first time that she has cheated, you can bet on that. It just my be the worst time she has cheated.

You deserve a woman that really loves you and she is not that woman...
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Old 14th December 2017, 3:13 PM   #78
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You are not worthless. Somebody will want you again. Try to push aside the dark thoughts for your children's sake.

If the mother of your children is serious about reconciliation as opposed to using you as a back up plan, couple's counseling is in order.
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Old 14th December 2017, 4:03 PM   #79
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harsh reality

If you take her back she will lose respect for you - even if she states otherwise. More importantly, you will lose respect for yourself and it will likely effect your life in ways you can't imagine.

She was ready to give you up for a fantasy. Remember that. Yes it is very hard and painful to separate. You must for your own sanity. Do you want to go through life knowing you were #2 and weren't strong enough to do the right thing?
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:03 PM   #80
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And your kids will be there witnessing this 180. Can you imagine how horrible it would be for them to live in a situation where you're not talking to their mother? I cannot begin to understand why you would inflict this toxic response on them after all they are already going through.
This isn’t how the 180 would be properly utilized. The 180 doesn’t mean walking around your house and pretending your significant other doesn’t exist and refusing to talk to him or her in front of your kids. The 180 seems to be one of the most commonly misunderstood ideas in this forum.

If living with a cheating spouse and children in the same house, the BS should generally be aloof around the WS. The BS should be polite, but disinterested. Conversations about household logistics are perfectly fine, but kept short and to the point. Disguise any pain you are feeling. You may have woke up in a bitter depression, but you force yourself to go about your morning with a smile on your face and a positive attitude for the day.

You DO NOT engage in conversations with your WS about your relationship or your future, your WS’s relationship with their OM/OW, or your feelings and emotions. You DO NOT engage in any intimacy or signs of affection. You DO NOT say “just want you to know that I will always love you” or anything like that. You DO NOT allow your WS to draw you into an argument. Because you don’t care and you’re so above all of that stuff—or at least that’s the aura you should be projecting. Your WS yells at you and says, “my affair was all your fault!” you nonchalantly say “whatever” and walk away because who cares whose fault it was—your relationship is over and you’ve moved on. Hold in your feelings and complain on this forum later if you need the outlet.

If done properly, the 180 will be a blessing for the kids—not a toxic environment—because there won’t be arguments happening around them, and their dad won’t be moping around the house looking like somebody died. If you are projecting strength in the house, the kids will feel much more secure.
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:40 PM   #81
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Danny,
Your situation really hits close to home with me. It still amazes me how many patterns and similarities are found in these types of stories. When I read your thread it’s like reliving my past.

My short story is that several years ago I discovered my wife was in the middle of a long term affair with the “love of her life.” Of course I was devasted and my entire world view came crashing down like so many other victims of infidelity. Like so many other BH’s, I responded by playing the “pick me” dance and “fighting to save my family.”

Like your wife, my wife yo-yoed back and forth between the OM and me, not wanting to lose her life with me but unable/unwilling to give up the OM. There were a couple phony reconciliations with me and her that always ended when I found out she was secretly seeing the OM again. After a few months, i’d finally had enough and accepted that she was gone and ready to move on with my own life. Although I unfortunately didn’t know about this forum at the time, I started doing my own version of the 180.

A few months after starting the 180 and after I had all the divorce paperwork with my wife ready to be finalized, she came to me and begged for another chance. Although I was skeptical, it seemed like she was genuine about it at that time and I agreed to take it one day at a time and see if we could make it work again. Fast forward to today and I would say we have successfully reconciled from the affair (but we have recently decided to divorce anyway).

The reason I’m telling you my history is because after my wife and I reconciled, she gave me her honest perspective of what she was thinking when going through that period of time after I found out about the affair. The “pick me” dance completely put her off. The 180 was like a magnet for her. Like with your wife, there were times that we had sex, but she did it either to placate me because I was begging, or because she felt vulnerable and was trying to keep me as an option.

BUT, and this is some brutal honesty for you, every time we had sex, and every time you have sex with your wife now it is actually pushing her in the direction of the OM. You said correctly that your wife sees the OM as the exciting sex option and you as the safe option. It was the same with my wife. You simply cannot compete right now with the OM when it comes to sex. When your wife has sex with you, it does nothing but reinforce in her mind how inadequate it feels compared to sex with the OM. And that will convince her in her mind that the OM is who she really loves and should be with.

What ultimately drew my wife back to me was when I shed the depressed “please please love me” and completely changed my mindset. I became a fun interesting person. I made a bunch of new friends and started doing fun new activities. I went on trips and dates with other girls. I later found out that when I went on a trip with a group of friends (including ladies) for a weekend, my wife went out on a date with her OM. About 15 minutes into the date she told him to take her home because she was so flustered by thinking about me on the trip being around other women. She noticed girls chasing me. Suddenly I wasn’t this pathetic lapdog that would always be sitting there waiting for her, and she became incredibly jealous.

So many things you are told on this forum seem counterintuitive, but that’s just the way things are. The harder you “fight” for your marriage when your wife is cheating, the lesser your chances of saving it. The real fight is with yourself. No matter how much you want to tell your wife you love her, that you should be together, that you want the marriage to work, and no matter how badly you want to kiss her or have sex with her, you have to suppress it. It is not helping!! I know it’s tough, because everything in you is telling you to do the opposite, but you just have to be strong.

Last edited by Be_Strong; 14th December 2017 at 5:43 PM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:34 PM   #82
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Yes, yes, yes...

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Originally Posted by Be_Strong View Post
Danny,
Your situation really hits close to home with me. It still amazes me how many patterns and similarities are found in these types of stories. When I read your thread it’s like reliving my past.

My short story is that several years ago I discovered my wife was in the middle of a long term affair with the “love of her life.” Of course I was devasted and my entire world view came crashing down like so many other victims of infidelity. Like so many other BH’s, I responded by playing the “pick me” dance and “fighting to save my family.”

Like your wife, my wife yo-yoed back and forth between the OM and me, not wanting to lose her life with me but unable/unwilling to give up the OM. There were a couple phony reconciliations with me and her that always ended when I found out she was secretly seeing the OM again. After a few months, i’d finally had enough and accepted that she was gone and ready to move on with my own life. Although I unfortunately didn’t know about this forum at the time, I started doing my own version of the 180.

A few months after starting the 180 and after I had all the divorce paperwork with my wife ready to be finalized, she came to me and begged for another chance. Although I was skeptical, it seemed like she was genuine about it at that time and I agreed to take it one day at a time and see if we could make it work again. Fast forward to today and I would say we have successfully reconciled from the affair (but we have recently decided to divorce anyway).

The reason I’m telling you my history is because after my wife and I reconciled, she gave me her honest perspective of what she was thinking when going through that period of time after I found out about the affair. The “pick me” dance completely put her off. The 180 was like a magnet for her. Like with your wife, there were times that we had sex, but she did it either to placate me because I was begging, or because she felt vulnerable and was trying to keep me as an option.

BUT, and this is some brutal honesty for you, every time we had sex, and every time you have sex with your wife now it is actually pushing her in the direction of the OM. You said correctly that your wife sees the OM as the exciting sex option and you as the safe option. It was the same with my wife. You simply cannot compete right now with the OM when it comes to sex. When your wife has sex with you, it does nothing but reinforce in her mind how inadequate it feels compared to sex with the OM. And that will convince her in her mind that the OM is who she really loves and should be with.

What ultimately drew my wife back to me was when I shed the depressed “please please love me” and completely changed my mindset. I became a fun interesting person. I made a bunch of new friends and started doing fun new activities. I went on trips and dates with other girls. I later found out that when I went on a trip with a group of friends (including ladies) for a weekend, my wife went out on a date with her OM. About 15 minutes into the date she told him to take her home because she was so flustered by thinking about me on the trip being around other women. She noticed girls chasing me. Suddenly I wasn’t this pathetic lapdog that would always be sitting there waiting for her, and she became incredibly jealous.

So many things you are told on this forum seem counterintuitive, but that’s just the way things are. The harder you “fight” for your marriage when your wife is cheating, the lesser your chances of saving it. The real fight is with yourself. No matter how much you want to tell your wife you love her, that you should be together, that you want the marriage to work, and no matter how badly you want to kiss her or have sex with her, you have to suppress it. It is not helping!! I know it’s tough, because everything in you is telling you to do the opposite, but you just have to be strong.
Yes, yes, yes...

Danny, this man speaks the truth in every way.

While I think it is too late to save your marriage, and I don't know why you would want too, this man speaks the truth.

And, know that the 180 is really to help you heal, it is really not about getting your wife back. Sometimes it works that way, but frankly in your case, she is gone.

I have seen this from my own experience.

I gave my ExW "One More Chance" and I gave it my all. And we were past her affairs, and believe it or not there are worse things than affairs.

Still, for whatever reason, she could not, would not, get it. She could not convince me that she actually loved me.

After 6 months, I was done as well. And, right or wrong, I started dating, a lot.

She just lost her S***. Of course, she still could not bring herself to really understand what she had done, oh, but she loved me?

I still just throw up a little bit in my mouth when it type that...

Point is, most if not all will be afraid of losing their comfort and meal ticket, but even then, they cannot emotionally understand or won't understand what they did that was so wrong that you won't take them back.

If it was not so horrifying to live through it would be funny...
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:54 PM   #83
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Blues reminds me of Spottswoode in "Team America" with that statement. lol

"Yes Gary, yes"..lol

Seriously, Good guys like OP need to cut the cord on these damaged goods and get real relationships that their children can be proud of and they can feel good about!
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Old 14th December 2017, 7:01 PM   #84
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And, know that the 180 is really to help you heal, it is really not about getting your wife back. Sometimes it works that way, but frankly in your case, she is gone.
This is correct, and I didn’t mean to imply that the 180 should be used as “one weird trick to get your wife back.” More than anything, the 180 is a mindset. A mindset of, “she’s gone, I now need to focus on myself and moving on, perhaps a reconciliation might happen in the future, but for now I should assume it won’t and prepare myself for life without her. ” Yes, sometimes reconciliations happen, but it should be as a result of the WS putting in the work and initiating it herself, not as a result of you begging or placing an ultimatum on your wife.

Every situation is unique, but if I had to do it over again, I would have just followed through on the divorce and not gone through with the reconciliation. It now seems like I just wasted a few years of my life. I think at the time I was just caught up in the competition of winning my wife back over the OM, but once the dust settled and she was squarely back with me, i realized she really wasn’t a prize worth winning.
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Old 15th December 2017, 12:36 AM   #85
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This is crazy how the patterns repeat themselves in all story.

Bluepower, be strong, marc ... are words of wisdom, seriously, thank you for all your help you give to other people, you are really true heroes at my eyes.

Danny, im sad for you, i was here few month ago and when i told her to choose, she choose the guy over her family.

Im in the 180 stage and no your not worthless. I was thinking too i was a piece of **** but trust me, tiny step by tiny step, you can heal and you will.

I cant help you if she begs, what to do, even today, if she begs, i may be weak and say yes because i dream of my family together again but if someone can do something like that to you, how are you going to trust her again in the long run ?

so be braveful, keep hope and i hope everything will be alright for you !
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:17 PM   #86
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Nearly 2 months later update

2 months ago my entire world was turned upside down after 13 years. This was the time that my better half of 13 years decided she was bored, and it was time to leave me and the kids (9) (12). She said she was going to leave in May, even though this was the beginning of November. Since then I found out she was seeing another man from her office. This relationship was hot and heavy at first, then she wanted an actual relationship, and he said "it just doesn't feel right, it's not you, it's me, I'm toxic to people around me" and basically blew her off. This was around Thanksgiving and since then she has come back to me both sexually and intimately (hugging, kissing). She talks about our future, says 2018 is going to be our best year ever, and tells me she loves me. I rub her feet and back nightly. I have tried to save my family and felt I was on the right path, even though I knew in my mind the 180 and separation, as suggested by the board members here, was the right choice. Two days ago she had a car accident in the mall parking lot. Come to find out she was there buying this guys daughter a engraved locket that cost $70. The guy told co-workers that he bought it from a fundraiser my daughter was having. They are not having a sexual relationship, but apparently my better half is trying hard to develop a relationship. This is all while she is having sex with me nightly, kissing me, hugging me, and talking about our future. I put a tracker on her car, she is not going to his house, and is coming home to me at night. The "overtime" has stopped, but obviously she still has feelings for this guy. We have a big Christmas planned, but I don't know what to do. I have a very desirable job and am thinking about quitting it. I can't do anything but think about her. Do I stay with her and hope their relationship fizzles out?
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Old 20th December 2017, 10:30 PM   #87
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No brother...

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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
2 months ago my entire world was turned upside down after 13 years. This was the time that my better half of 13 years decided she was bored, and it was time to leave me and the kids (9) (12). She said she was going to leave in May, even though this was the beginning of November. Since then I found out she was seeing another man from her office. This relationship was hot and heavy at first, then she wanted an actual relationship, and he said "it just doesn't feel right, it's not you, it's me, I'm toxic to people around me" and basically blew her off. This was around Thanksgiving and since then she has come back to me both sexually and intimately (hugging, kissing). She talks about our future, says 2018 is going to be our best year ever, and tells me she loves me. I rub her feet and back nightly. I have tried to save my family and felt I was on the right path, even though I knew in my mind the 180 and separation, as suggested by the board members here, was the right choice. Two days ago she had a car accident in the mall parking lot. Come to find out she was there buying this guys daughter a engraved locket that cost $70. The guy told co-workers that he bought it from a fundraiser my daughter was having. They are not having a sexual relationship, but apparently my better half is trying hard to develop a relationship. This is all while she is having sex with me nightly, kissing me, hugging me, and talking about our future. I put a tracker on her car, she is not going to his house, and is coming home to me at night. The "overtime" has stopped, but obviously she still has feelings for this guy. We have a big Christmas planned, but I don't know what to do. I have a very desirable job and am thinking about quitting it. I can't do anything but think about her. Do I stay with her and hope their relationship fizzles out?
No brother... You divorce her just like everyone here has told you.

The only reason that she is even talking to you is because he blew her off. And while she is acting like she wants to be with you, yes she IS screwing the other guy. Probably in the broom closet at work.

You have made every single mistake you could possibly make in dealing with her infidelity and you still are.

She is still trying to get this guy to be with her and she wants to leave you as soon as she finds a replacement.

When are you going to wake up and understand that she does not love you in anyway?
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:23 AM   #88
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We have a big Christmas planned, but I don't know what to do. I have a very desirable job and am thinking about quitting it. I can't do anything but think about her. Do I stay with her and hope their relationship fizzles out?
Danny, you’ve already received great advice in this thread and you know what you should do. Your real issue is finding the courage, strength and will to actually do it. I’m not going to judge you—I know how hard it is and I had the same issues you are having.

Sometimes men just need to have this process play out over a longer period of time before they hit the point of acceptance and readiness to do what they need to do. That was the case for me. I try to help other guys here by giving them advice to hopefully shorten and limit the grief they have to go through, but I fully understand that in almost every case the guy will not listen to the advice given but instead will need to learn on his own. I didn’t know about this site when I found out about my wife’s affair, but I have a feeling even if I did I would have stubbornly tried to do things my way instead of listening to good advice being offered.

Last edited by Be_Strong; 21st December 2017 at 11:35 AM..
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:49 PM   #89
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Originally Posted by dannyStL View Post
2 months ago my entire world was turned upside down after 13 years. This was the time that my better half of 13 years decided she was bored, and it was time to leave me and the kids (9) (12). She said she was going to leave in May, even though this was the beginning of November. Since then I found out she was seeing another man from her office. This relationship was hot and heavy at first, then she wanted an actual relationship, and he said "it just doesn't feel right, it's not you, it's me, I'm toxic to people around me" and basically blew her off. This was around Thanksgiving and since then she has come back to me both sexually and intimately (hugging, kissing). She talks about our future, says 2018 is going to be our best year ever, and tells me she loves me. I rub her feet and back nightly. I have tried to save my family and felt I was on the right path, even though I knew in my mind the 180 and separation, as suggested by the board members here, was the right choice. Two days ago she had a car accident in the mall parking lot. Come to find out she was there buying this guys daughter a engraved locket that cost $70. The guy told co-workers that he bought it from a fundraiser my daughter was having. They are not having a sexual relationship, but apparently my better half is trying hard to develop a relationship. This is all while she is having sex with me nightly, kissing me, hugging me, and talking about our future. I put a tracker on her car, she is not going to his house, and is coming home to me at night. The "overtime" has stopped, but obviously she still has feelings for this guy. We have a big Christmas planned, but I don't know what to do. I have a very desirable job and am thinking about quitting it. I can't do anything but think about her. Do I stay with her and hope their relationship fizzles out?
The fact that you're even asking that question is absolutely mind-boggling. Dude, seriously, grab your sack and man-up. You are rubbing your wife's feet while another man is rubbing her cl*t. Sorry to be so graphic, but you have got to wake up. Those of us who have been cheated on and lost family know exactly what you are going through, but trust me when I say, you are going to absolutely hate yourself for taking the route you have of being #2.

The wife you knew is dead. Gone. Vanished. Accept that. See her for who she is now. A lying disrespectful piece of garbage who is using your love of your family against you. Is that really someone you want to fight for?

Ditch that pathetic piece of trash and prepare yourself for a year down the road when she comes a knockin' again because the grass that was so green was as dead as her heart.

You are a good loving man that shows through your actions just how much you are willing to swallow for those you love. Find someone that will return it...
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:41 PM   #90
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Stop sleeping with her. Just stop. It makes you look desperate. Take her at her word. I think she should go ahead and hit the road. Why should she get to torment you for months>?
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