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Wife wants to separate


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 8th December 2017, 11:11 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post

- Should I continue to pursue her and try to win her heart back? Or just back off and give her space? How could I do that without leaving the apartment?
- Does anybody have any experience with a trial separation actually working and helping the marriage in the long term?
- When she realizes the financial reality of separation (paying 2 apartments so very little disposable income) will that change her views, or will women prioritize their emotional goals?
1. I, personally, would not continue to pursue her as I feel like it would become a one-sided situation where I was putting in all of the work to try and make things work. When I separated from my ex-wife, there were attempts at reconciliation but it became evident that I was the one that was going to have to "change" even though her actions and behaviors were destroying our relationship. And, honestly, I have always felt that infidelity and abuse are the only things that can't be worked through in a relationship if BOTH parties are trying.

2. In my experience, "trial" separations do nothing more than delay the end of the marriage. It's difficult to work on a marriage when one or both parties have gotten to the point where they don't want to be around one another. And, if she wants the separation, then she needs to move out; PERIOD. Don't leave your home; she is the one asking for the separation and she needs to deal with the ramifications of that decision.

3. Yes, having to live on her own and take care of herself financially will certainly put things in perspective for her. It's easy to complain about a "lack of eye contact" when you're being taken care of financially. But, I don't think it will change her "emotional priorities" and I wouldn't use it as a springboard for reconciliation. Her having to pay bills shouldn't be a catalyst for working on the marriage.

So, if I were in your shoes, I would lay it out in a pretty simple manner. If she wants a separation, so be it, but she needs to move out. And, I will also tell her that her moving out is an indication that she no longer wants to work on the marriage and that it's time to file for divorce.
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Old 8th December 2017, 11:18 AM   #47
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And here she talks of lack of connection....She wants to live separate lives for 12 years. I spewed coffee out of my face when I read that. Start reading Narcissism personalities. I think some of it may apply.

BTW...When blues gets on the tip for affair, he's usually right. Sorry but true. You don't have a marriage over 10 years and then want to leave claiming, it's all the providers fault and I did everything....You (OP) deserve a real wife who will cherish you and elevate you. Not bring you down. She is checked out.

Kick her out and divorce. Even if you don't find infidelity (though highly doubtful) She is not being faithful. To have and to hold in sickness and in health. Good times and in bad. She broke the marriage vow. You did not.

Get back to sanity.
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Old 9th December 2017, 1:28 AM   #48
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Why does SHE get to decide anything?

She wants out? Tell her to support herself fully and her lifestyle and then you'll discuss it.

You're being a chump. She doesn't even work and she's wanting more freedom? Sheez man, how much of a doormat can you be?

Start standing up for yourself! Tell her no to everything u till she supports herself!
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Old 9th December 2017, 3:53 PM   #49
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Thanks for the advice, all.

On Wednesday we went to our MC. My wife spent most of the session crying. She is depressed. She acknowledges that I have made big changes, but it is too late because her feelings for me have gone. She is angry - why did it take so long for me to make these changes? That was out last MC session with that therapist.

From my side, I feel hopeless. It doesn't matter how hard I try, nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. Unfortunately, I neglected her emotionally for years but spoiled her financially. She was not a strong person to begin with, she suffered abuse when she was a child, a traumatic family break-up, and she is prone to depression.

On Thursday she went to her IC session. I called her after - she said that she wants a separation. She says that is the only chance for us to reconcile, it has a 10% chance of working. She says that through our marriage we always did things the way I wanted, now she wants and needs this separation. She wishes that she still loves me but she does not currently. She continues to live in cloud cuckoo land and think that I am going to move out and life for her and the kids will continue as normal. Also, separately, her psychiatrist just upped her dosage of antidepressants.

So, finally, after all your advice, I am now doing a 180. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but chasing her around has got me nowhere. I am going to pull back. Also I am going to cancel our joint credit card (that had $9,000 of spending on it last month). And I will list our rental property for sale. I will also call a real estate broker to get a valuation of our family home.

When she asks, I will tell her that I still love her and am ready to start with a new MC therapist. But that it takes 2 people to work on a marriage. And if she is not going to work on it as well then, unfortunately, it is over. The "trial separation" (in her mind, me moving out) is never going to work, so if she is not going to work on the M then the only option is a proper legal separation which will mean dividing everything 50/50 and selling the family home, as neither of us can afford to keep it on our own.

Let's see what this brings. I predict lots of fireworks, tears, arguments from her.

I do feel deep pain in my heart for my children.
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:28 PM   #50
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Hello nyclion

Ive been through the same thing and we got the same profile, not in love with me anymore, she want out, she never work, i work too much and we did disconnect...

I did try everything too and just to find out she was having an affair during month.

I cant tell you this is the same case but my i cant see why she wont give you a chance if you try everything.

My wife was a pro to hide things, perfect liar and i will never think she will be able to do it.

So be very careful.

Im in the 180 stage, it s hard, i miss my kids evrytime theyre not with me, ive got very dark toughts, i still deeply love my wife.

It s been more than one month and im starting to recover, im sad but my energy is back. Im doing new things and this was finally not the end of the road for me even if i think it was.

So be brave, let the time heal you,strict no contact and keep minimum chat for the kids. you need to prioritize yourself. Before no contact, try to tell her everything you need because sometimes, you forgot things and just want to take the phone to tell her.

Today, sometimes i want to text her, im beginning to type and i m remembering we takes some vow to love each other all our life and this was just bull****, so at this point, any contact seems pointless, you have to let her go.

Best of luck, i wish you all the best for your life to come.
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:48 PM   #51
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Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:48 PM   #52
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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...ration-divorce

Read up. At this time you need to wake up and protect yourself financially.

Hard 180 or you’ll continue to wallow in this.
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Old 9th December 2017, 5:12 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"

Yup, for me it was when she was pregnant of our second child. I was deep depressed, had two works, was very ill and was struggling about what kind of father i will be if i cant even provide for them. I was totally lost and neglect her.

Anyway, even if i cant forgive myself for this, you are human, you make mistake and you have to make peace with it.

i did got the same feelings, nothing count when she leave, the fact you had children, a family, the fact that you did try hard to construct something.

But think twice about it, if she was begging you ? Will you do the same thing to her ? Will you not give her a chance ? it s just that you love her more than she ever loved you.
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Old 12th December 2017, 4:50 PM   #54
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It reads: " I could tolerate being in your presence before, but now? Why couldn't you do these things back when I tolerated you? BTW...I want you to continue paying for my lifestyle so I can find a CHAD that can give me emotional validation and wild and crazy sex. Thanks....

Thats a big NOPE! Sorry you are going through this.
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:56 PM   #55
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Hi NYClion, how are you doing now? Any movement in your case? An update would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 26th December 2017, 4:52 PM   #56
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Just let her leave and go away and lick your wounds. It's probably a blessing in disguise.
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Old 26th December 2017, 9:01 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by nyclion View Post
Thanks for your kind words BrokeInside

I have started to believe that once you emotionally neglect a woman, they go to the point of no return. And once they are passed it, there is no coming back. Even a loyal wife and mother of your children. And you can work as hard as you want, to provide for the family, it counts for nothing.

Somebody wrote about it: Google "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome"
It's not any man's job to be my emotional support.

It's my job to be that for myself.

Anything inadequate in my life is only my own fault.

Stop blaming yourself for your wife's deficiencies. She unhealthy and isn't taking responsibility for her own behavior.
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Old 10th January 2018, 10:35 PM   #58
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Thanks for checking in, Just a Guy. I would say that things are going a bit better, but overall the outlook is uncertain.

I manned up and pulled the 180. Started sleeping in my son's top bunk bed. Stopped asking about the future, just focused on my kids and my own stuff. Exercised more. Bought new clothes. Told her that I was not going to wast my effort trying to change her mind anymore. Signed myself up for individual counselling. Again said that I was not planning to move out. Her ears pricked up after about a week - didn't take long for her to want to understand what was going on.

She says now that whereas before she was 100% sure about separating, now she is no longer sure. She is still trying to figure it out and decide what is best for the family. She sees big changes in my priorities: I leave work earlier, prioritize my home life more, get home to read to my kids every night when I am not travelling for work.

We are still not healed yet. My individual counsellor is helping me develop strategies and work on myself. My wife harbors a deep well of resentment for the early years where the kids were young and I did not prioritize my family. We still fight but now on average once per week, which is less than before. I get stressed when we are always late for stuff. She can react badly to small things that trigger old feelings. She says that she still feels hopeless for the future, hopeless for us. We were intimate once which was the first time in many months.

She sees the change in my priorities. But she needs to see durable change in my ability to connect emotionally with her and put her first.
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Old 11th January 2018, 12:01 AM   #59
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As you've found if you chase they move farther away.

Don't make that mistake again.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:52 PM   #60
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Did her change of heart happen before or after you started making noise about putting the house on the market? Before or after you canceled the credit cards and informed her she'd be responsible for half the marital debt in the divorce?

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I highly suspect she's started to realize the financial implications of divorce, that you won't be paying for her **** during some magical long separation, and that is her motivating factor.
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