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Long Seperation ? Reconciling

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 21st September 2017, 6:49 AM   #1
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Long Seperation ? Reconciling

Long story short together almost 27 years both in mid 40's two children one of whom passed away at age 18 ( 6 years ago) after a long drawn out illness. He was a great husband and provider prior to this we definitely had our issues and it hasn't been an easy road but not unlike most marriages. He was a good husband and provider. We separated just about 3 months prior to our daughter's passing and started to reconcile 2 weeks before she actually died. Slowly over time he began drinking more and more - it was so slow and progressive that it took me a really long time to realize what was happening. He became verbally abusive when he drank and eventually we separated - I think there may have been someone but that is just my gut I do not know for sure.

He moved in with some male friends all of whom are wealthy and divorced (we are not) and didn't see or speak to either myself or my daughter for four months (completely out of character). after the 4 month mark He began talking to our daughter again and I saw him occasionally and we maybe spoke 5-10 times in 6-8 month period of time. He told me definitively at that point he wanted a divorce. I waited a few more months and at the urging of everyone around me started to date despite not being ready or officially divorced (stupid I know). I started dating this amazing man who would be only the 2nd person I have every been and were together for two years.

Off and on husband would want to reconcile but I didn't engage and I know it is stupid but on principal wanted him to file as it was his wish to divorce. Fast forward again there is another huge life change coming up which made me realize I needed to break it off with my boyfriend. Me and my husband slowly have been reconciling - we have slept together a few times and have spent time doing things as a family. However the last time we were together he left and I have not heard from him in 5 days. I am not one to beg or chase so have left him alone but what the hell is going on? Would love some perspective. Honestly I feel pretty silly posting in a forum but he is not much of a talker.

I know for my own sanity after a few years of separation with back and forth a decision needs to be made because I cannot continue to do this anymore. There is a lot more to this but I don't want to blow up the post so if you have questions or need more info to give feedback feel free to ask.

Last edited by Moderator; 21st September 2017 at 7:02 AM..
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Old 21st September 2017, 8:42 AM   #2
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First, I am deeply sorry about the death of your child. That is a lot to endure & I suspect it took a toll on your marriage.

You two have a long shared history. If you both understand why you separated, you may be able to overcome those issues & reconcile but it will take work. I wouldn't try without marriage counseling but I wish you well
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Old 24th September 2017, 4:15 PM   #3
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I'm so sorry for your pain upon pain! And while I haven't experienced what you and your husband are each going through, I've lived long enough to know that people deal with pain different ways, not all good, of course. My son's daughter died at 13 months, and my daughter's husband of 11 years (they were high school sweethearts and married right after high school) told her one day he didn't love her anymore, and divorced her. They are each dealing with their pain in different ways, as are you and your husband.

The best outcomes I've observed come from seeking counseling from a trusted source, forgiving, and moving forward. You sound like you're doing well and have already made up your mind about what to do, knowing your needs. I hope you and your husband can reconcile because marriage with all of its high and lows is such a true testament to the power of love, and that it's not a feeling, it's an action. But it sounds like you'll make the right decision. Peace to you!
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Old 24th September 2017, 4:44 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,364
Does your BH know that you dated another man
while separated?

Is dating the OM the reason that you would not
reconcile with your BH when he asked you to?
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