Starting NC after marriage separation

[seastorm]

Hi all,

 

Wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any opinions/advice.

 

Almost three months ago, my husband of 2 years (together for over 5) said he wanted to break up. I am 24, he is 29.

Initially I was shocked and resisted, got quite angry and told him I believe marriage is a commitment and we would work through it. His mind was made up, and eventually I had to listen to what he had to say.

He said he had been thinking about it for a very long time, and he thinks we'd be much better as best friends. Our relationship was full of small arguments, and a few unspoken issues that led me in particular to feel resentful and pick at him/nag.

 

Most of our communication has been via text message because he travels for work a lot. Conversations in person tended to end in huge, tearful arguments. We are moving out of our house soon, and I am moving to live hundreds of miles away.

 

I've had every possible type of argument with him since this began. I told him how sad I was. I told him how angry I was for things that had happened throughout our relationship. It's got to the point where we are both so angry at each other for how we've dealt with this and we are now both aware that we're going into a period of NC.

 

I do want him back, but knowing how headstrong he is and how he is good at focusing on something new very quickly, I think it's highly unlikely. He wanted the break up to be smooth and easy, and for us to immediately transition into being happy best friends. I felt he had to take responsibility and have the difficult conversations. Friends say he's going through a grass is always greener mid life crisis type thing, and once he lives a free spirit life for a few months, he'll regret his decision.

 

I just feel a bit lost, he's all I've ever known, my first everything. I am changing my job and my living situation and I know I have to take a long social media break for my own wellbeing. (He keeps saying he's moving on with his life and I should be happy for him, so the happy posts from him are going to continue.)

 

One thing I could offer as advice for anyone in a similar situation where they feel their partner broke up with them very suddenly and pulled the rug out from under their feet, is that this is new to you and you're dealing with it for the first time. The person who initiates the break up has been thinking about it for months or years. They've dealt with a lot of the emotions you're already dealing with, so of course you're going to feel like you're playing catch up.

 

I know No Contact is going to be very difficult for me. I think he will be quite unaffected for a long time - he's very social and constantly surrounded by friends. I am living in our house alone for another few weeks so I worry I will need to message him about something practical in the coming weeks. Should I do that and then begin NC all over again or should I use a close mutual friend to pass on messages? Would that be immature or would it let him know how serious I am about cutting contact?

 

Sorry for the ramble!

 

S x

[PegNosePete]

I assume you're renting rather than own the property?

 

What practical things will you need to sort out with him in a few weeks when you move out? Make a list. Any of them that can be handled all at once, do so. For example bills if they are coming in joint names, he may need to pay half... but if you'll be getting the deposit back you can deduct his half and send him the remainder. There's really no need to break NC for this. Just put a cheque in the post.

[seastorm]

Hi Pete,

 

Yes, we are renting. We gave one month's notice last month but my husband has only been back to the house for one night since then. He stays with friends in the city when he isn't working.

 

Thankfully there isn't too much that's money-related, but just today I realised I am taking the car when I leave in order to sell it. I realised he has the other key for the vehicle. I can see myself messaging a friend to ask them to ask him to post it to me, but I worry that puts the friend in a tricky position and makes me seem childish.

However, I really want to be serious about the no contact because for our entire relationship my husband has been the one who is decisive and in control. I want to regain that for myself.

[PegNosePete]

I realised he has the other key for the vehicle.

This is exactly the kind of thing you need to put in your list.

 

You should arrange one handover, during which everything gets sorted out in a practical and painless manner. He gives you the car key, you give him his golf clubs or whatever. No cups of tea, no quick chats, no reminiscing. Just exchange stuff and go on your way.

 

Make a list so you don't forget anything, and have no reason to break NC.

 

You will have to "break NC" to do the divorce, though. Unless you plan on talking only through lawyers -- which is a one way ticket to a HUGE bill.