Married to...a friend

[RoanPC]

Hello, Just found this forum. Married 23 years with 3 kids. Over the past 6 or 7 years romance has been slowly been draining away to the point where we are now just friends at best (who happen to share the same bed--for sleeping only). Our marriage also hit this point about 15 years ago, but we were able to talk it out and then "get back together" and be very happy in love again.

 

Sooo...silly me thought we could have another talk this time around and have some kind of renewal of our relationship. Nope. She is not willing to talk about it now. When I bring it up, she is not rude, but answers in the shortest way possible to change the subject (in fact when I brought up the talk we had 15 yrs ago, she didn't even remember it). She was agreeable to marriage counseling, but it didn't help much--neither of us opened up either during or after the sessions. Honestly, I believe the change in feelings for each other is mutual at this point, the only difference being I am willing to address it to find a solution be it divorce or whatever and she seems perfectly happy with the status quo.

 

Which brings me to the present. I now know I want a divorce because I am totally unhappy with our non-existent relationship, but she won't talk about it (I realize I don't need her permission to divorce). Despite that, I am willing to stay for another year or two for the kids sake who are in middle and high school. And we all do get along quite well so living together is not an issue.

 

So the question boils down to starting a divorce now or waiting until the kids are a bit older. I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for my kids welfare.

 

Sorry this is so long--just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you.

[PegNosePete]

I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for my kids welfare.

But is it in your kids best interests to have unhappy parents who don't love each other, yet stay together? They will certainly pick up on it, in fact they probably already have. Kids are always learning; what are they learning from their home environment? That unhappy marriages are normal?

 

What would you say if your own parents were in this situation - they were willing to sacrifice their own happiness, to stay in a loveless marriage for your "welfare"? I think most people would say "I'll be fine. I want you to be happy too".

 

But at the end of the day it's your decision. All I will say is that now you're saying "in 1 year". What will you say in 1 year's time? Probably the same. At some point you have to bite the bullet.

[BluesPower]

Several things to consider about this.

 

If your in a state with alimony the amount of time your married changes that number. So if you are on the cusp of another milestone in terms of years or amounts, don't wait.

 

I always advise don't waste time. No one ever regrets divorcing too soon. You can start your new life soon and get on with some type of happiness.

 

If she is having an affair, filing for divorce may snap her out of it. Does not sound like it but who knows. It also may wake her up in general about the relationship.

 

Last point, why live this way? It is not worth it...

[somanymistakes]

There's a difference between sticking together when you're miserable just because of the kids, and sticking together when you're friends but not madly in love, because of the kids.

 

The kids don't need to see you madly in love, they tend to find that gross anyway. If you're friendly and getting along fine and neither of you is desperate to be with someone else, hanging on a while for the kids isn't so bad.

 

On the other hand, if one of you does end up getting attached to someone else, that will lead ot a much messier split than if you tried to handle it amicably now. If you're not in a huge hurry to break up, that could make it easier to go into it slowly and get the kids used to the idea so they don't have the shock panic of everything falling apart. Also, if your wife's refusing to talk to you about your relationship, making some divorce-starting noises with her might get her motivated.

[stillafool]

If you don't plan to divorce until 2 years are up what is the point in talking about it now when you aren't going to do anything?

[Southern Sun]

Hello, Just found this forum. Married 23 years with 3 kids. Over the past 6 or 7 years romance has been slowly been draining away to the point where we are now just friends at best (who happen to share the same bed--for sleeping only). Our marriage also hit this point about 15 years ago, but we were able to talk it out and then "get back together" and be very happy in love again.

 

Sooo...silly me thought we could have another talk this time around and have some kind of renewal of our relationship. Nope. She is not willing to talk about it now. When I bring it up, she is not rude, but answers in the shortest way possible to change the subject (in fact when I brought up the talk we had 15 yrs ago, she didn't even remember it). She was agreeable to marriage counseling, but it didn't help much--neither of us opened up either during or after the sessions. Honestly, I believe the change in feelings for each other is mutual at this point, the only difference being I am willing to address it to find a solution be it divorce or whatever and she seems perfectly happy with the status quo.

 

Which brings me to the present. I now know I want a divorce because I am totally unhappy with our non-existent relationship, but she won't talk about it (I realize I don't need her permission to divorce). Despite that, I am willing to stay for another year or two for the kids sake who are in middle and high school. And we all do get along quite well so living together is not an issue.

 

So the question boils down to starting a divorce now or waiting until the kids are a bit older. I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for my kids welfare.

 

Sorry this is so long--just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you.

 

Maybe it's just how you wrote, but you seem so...casual about this.

 

You do know this is a life-changing decision, right? Emotionally, financially. You will change your family dynamic (close and extended), friends, household...pretty much everything you can think of. For some, it is absolutely worth it. I am just looking for that in your post.

 

You aren't just changing your life, but that of your kids, too. Who don't get a say in this either.

 

You and your wife will be tearing apart the family you built with your own hands. And I can't even understand why, from your post. You just aren't feeling it anymore, and by your own words, you admit you wouldn't give much to MC.

 

Why? Are you interested in someone else?

 

I mean, ebbs and flows are quite normal in a 23 year relationship. I know it's frustrating if your wife doesn't want to participate and you do, but you are writing as if you don't want to either. And yet, you can't say anything is really bad.

 

I don't get it.

 

You say you are willing to sacrifice yourself for another year, but what good does that do your kids? You have one in middle school. That's really no help. If you were truly sacrificing your happiness for your kids, you would wait longer than that.

 

But see, kids are still sad that their parents divorce, even when they get out of the house. Sure, eventually they will 'understand'. But they will wish it hadn't happened. Especially when their parents got along.

 

Still don't get it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is it mostly just lack of sex? Will your wife talk about why she doesn't want to have sex?

[mikeylo]

If you don't plan to divorce until 2 years are up what is the point in talking about it now when you aren't going to do anything?

 

This.

 

If divorce amicably, they can be very quick, in a matter of few weeks.

[somanymistakes]

Depends on jurisdiction, and the time needed to find a comfortable place for one party to live.

[aileD]

It's better for the kids that you stay together if the marriage is not hostile. It keeps them secure so they don't worry about things they shouldn't be worrying about and can concentrate on the other stressors in their life (school, social life, etc which are a pretty big stress for kids). If you're getting along and you don't mind staying and can be pleasant then it's good for your kids

 

However. I would let your wife know what the plan is. Let her know you're not happy and you are planning on leaving when the kids graduat or something. Maybe she feels the same and you can amicably figure things out over the years to make the split seamless.

 

 

And dont go messing around and having an affair if you stay because IF the kids ever find out then you did 10x more harm than just leaving now.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce now. Don't prolong it. Do family counseling with your kids so they adjust and get used to all the chances that are going to happen and so they can deal with it in a healthy way. And also this way you and your wife can learn to co parent together without any hate or resentment. Learn to be the best co parents to your kids.