Mz. Pixie Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 I am having trouble dealing with my exh over the children. We split custody 50/50. He has them one week, I have them another- but we rotate on Mondays so the kids never go more than three days without seeing the other parent. The kids are thriving in this environment so its all good. With mutual agreement, he covers the daycare expense but doesn't pay child support. His parents are helping him financially, and I know they are buying the kids clothes and stuff. I am struggling- living in a two bedroom apartment with not alot of toys and stuff for them. I asked him to box up some toys, movies and books for them to have at my apartment and he said he would. Basically when I moved out, his mother separated the clothing 50/50 ( and I would have preferred to do that since I bought it all to begin with) so I got stuff that was too small or worn out. He got to keep all the good stuff. Slowly I have been trying to buy the kids things here and there. New underwear, socks, shoes etc. My BF even gave me some money to get them some summer things. I don't buy the most expensive stuff- but I do like the kids to look nice. I've even gotten some stuff at a upscale consignment store for them. Two issues are- when he sends the kids to my house he always sends them in the most worn out stuff they have. He sent my daughter in training pants and she hasn't worn them in two years! Then, when I send them back to him, I have to put them in something nice- then I don't get it back- he sends back more crappy stuff. When he dresses my daughter she doesn't even match. Her shoes are worn out and dirty (I bleached them the last two times they have been washed)- basically when I pick them up they look like white trash kids. I've asked him twice to please send her stuff back- specifically underwear- and to dress her better when she comes to my house. Yesterday I picked her up and she was in a bright pink pair of pants and a blue/blue striped T shirt. Any idea on how I can get him to do better on this? He fully agreed to help out with clothing expense. I cannot afford to purchase clothes because he doesn't send mine back. The second issue is is that when it's his turn to have them, he pawns them off on his parents or pays a babysitter to keep them. The idea behind splitting custody was so that he would have time with them- he never left them with anyone until I signed the papers. Now, I think he only did it to keep from having to pay child support if I had full custody with him having visitation. I don't care what he does on his off time, and I fully understand that he might need a babysitter on occasion- but not every time he has them. If he didn't want them, why didn't he just let me have them? I feel like he's treating them like a burden and it breaks my heart. Also, this past weekend he told the kids that he was going out to "pick someone up" I don't give a rats xss if that's what he was doing, it was inappropriate to tell his children that. I'm seriously okay with him moving on and dating and stuff but I never get a babysitter when they are with me- and even if I wanted to ever get one, I can't afford it because I'm not getting child support. I'm sure that someone who posts on this forum has experienced this. I'd like to know how you dealt with it. I'm writing everything that he does to the kids- like not sending them lunch or lunch money and leaving them in a notebook in case I need it for future reference. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mz. Pixie Posted May 3, 2005 Author Share Posted May 3, 2005 Would someone please comment? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie Would someone please comment? Sorry Pixie... I dont have kids, and dont know what to suggest. It's extremely childish of him to be doing this to them! Could you ask him to return the kids in the clothes he got them in? That way he wouldnt be giving you any clothes he bought, and you'd still get the one's you bought. Sheesh, even that sounds horrible. It's like the kids are an object and he needs to put his toys back when he's done. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Hi Pix. That is unfortunate, and I know a family in the same situation. The parents hardly communicate and the kids go back to their dad's with half the stuff they took to their mom's. If they take a new toy to their mom's it never makes it back to their dad's. This has helped me and my ex in our arrangement. The toys are the kids' toys and they can keep them at whichever home they want to. My ex and I also share the kids 50-50 but our communication has been great so far, and so have the kids with all this. I wish I knew what to tell you. It's only been 3 months for us, and so far we keep all our bills for the kids' expenses and add them up at the end of the month, then we split the amounts. Would this work for you? If you save all your receipts for new clothes and ask him to pay for half? What about other expense of the kids' like sports or school activities? We also take turns paying the daycare bill. Would it work to have one "back and forth" outfit for them to wear on a certain day? Believe me we discussed all these things before we split. I am guilty once in a while of sending them in older clothes because I wanted to keep the new ones for a while, but every few weeks we end up sending a pile of stuff back and forth because one house seems to have a stock pile of jeans while the other house has a stock pile of pink clothes! We also have a duffel bag that goes back and forth with an agenda that contains their schedules, when they showered last, and other reminders as well as their uniforms for dance, baseball, etc, and piano books, library books etc etc. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mz. Pixie Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 You've given me some great pointers MWC! I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
augustkay Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Mz. Pixie, I dont have the same situation as you... although I am divorced and we do split custody. This is what I would do and what some of my friends do. Send your children back to him in the old clothes so he doesnt keep the little bit of nice stuff you do have. Then maybe he will see, and send them back to you in the clothes you should have. I know that this is a big game back and forth I deal with silly things from my ex as well. I would also go to his parents house and get the clothes for my children. If he can not be fair about it tell him that you wont pack a bag of stuff since he has clothes at his house. Anything you do buy keep it at your house to ensure you will have it. As for him getting a sitter when he has the kids, that is something that you should take up with the court. I dont know the laws but Im sure if you can prove that when he takes the children he is not spending time with them and the court would see things in a different light and grant you custody and him vistitation. I know that divorce is a very hard situation and I will pray for you that things get easier. As time passes things seem to work themselves out and people grow and mature. I hope this for your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mz. Pixie Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 Thanks AK! Yes, I have clothes that I keep at my house and he has some at his house as well. It's sad that he feels the need to be this petty. It's either that or he really doesn't care. What I think is, that he fully believed he was the involved father. He was really good with them when he was home, however, the majority of the childrearing was left to me. I think it sounded good in theory to get split custody but that he had no idea how tough it would be on him. I'm hoping as time goes on and he starts dating more, he might want a little more freedom and be open to me having them full time with him having visitation. Link to post Share on other sites
fyrwyfe Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 [color=darkblue] Hey Pixie - My oldest son's father used to this same crap - he'd keep the cute jeans & name brand tops and send him back in mis-matched, ugly-a$$ clothes. It'd make me so mad thinking he was either not paying enought attention to send the clothes back or keeping them on purpose. I found out it was the latter, and he bragged about it to his sister - arrgggggh! So what I started doing was sending him over in 'average' clothes, ones I didn't care about getting left behind. He didn't much like that, as it blew his plans to keep the nice ones at his house. He should have his own set of clothes for them since you both split custody 50/50, and really you could have one outfit that they go back and forth in. Simple as that, just don't send them over in anything nice - as petty as it sounds it will save you a little sanity. About him always sending them somewhere else so he can do what he wants - I agree that sometimes there is a need to get a sitter, but not all the time. It does seem like he just didn't want to have to pay you any child support, and that's just wrong because you would love to be with your children more than half the time. I suggest you start documenting everything - it sounds like you have started this. Write everything down about their visits; it'll be a good log to have in case you ever want to look back on something. I did this, and it was very helpful. I did have to thumb back through it to see when certain incidences happened (like the time he knew my son had been exposed to lice but had failed to mention it to me - like the multiple times he attempted to take him without a car seat, like the times he brought him back so sunburned he cried at night when the sheets touched him - sh*t like that). Document everything for a few months, and if he regularly pawns them of to family member or arranges for a sitter, then you will have good reason to petition the court for more visitation. He's paying a sitter anyway, so he shouldn't gripe about having to pay it to you in the form of 'child support'. I don't know why it is that so many men just don't feel they should have to pay - I think my ex thought I'd go out and party with "his" money. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mz. Pixie Posted May 6, 2005 Author Share Posted May 6, 2005 Yeah, he thinks he's punishing me Let's see, my daughter has been eaten up with fleas twice at the ex's mother in laws and he has forgotten to send my son with lunch or lunch money to school. He "forgot" to send his church shoes to me in the bag today. I don't have a nice pair at my apartment. I bought a special little book for all my notes! I am going to start applying your advice. My bf's ex wife tried that in the beginning but they told her that she could either send the son back in nicer things or they would deduct the cost of new clothes from her child support amount. That stopped that on his end. Of course, he wouldn't or couldn't have done that but she didn't know it! If he doesn't want to be with the kids- why doesn't he just turn them over to me? Someone from my old church today called me (a rare instance of support) and she said that everyone knows what a great mother I am and that she can't believe he's using the excuse that I would party with his money. For goodness sakes, I never bought myself anything- he was the one with the spending problem during our marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 Hey there Pix, Why don't you try suggesting the idea that you will give each other get first dibs to have the kids rather than a babysitter. It saves on babysitting costs plus I bet the kiddos would rather being with one of their parents over a babysitter. The down side is it's even more contact with the ex. It's worth a try, but I have a feeling he doesn't want you to know how often he pawns the kids off on someone else. Y Link to post Share on other sites
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