daveavery8067 Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 So my wife and I decided to open our marriage about 14 months ago. We met when we were young, so we figured we found an "awesome" loophole of being able to stay married while still enjoying the excitement of dating. That all fell apart when I met a girl who I developed feelings for. My wife was against this of course, but I told her that love is a beautiful thing, and I can love two people at the same time (I genuinely believed that at the time). My wife has had boyfriends of her own, and most recently has been dating a guy... for about 8 months who is crazy over heels for her. The issue is that she never felt the same kind of love for him, and grew increasingly jealous of the girl I was dating. I kept pushing it, and trying to make it work and keep the marriage. The love I had for my girlfriend was really strong, it overcame me, and I felt paralyzed. I couldn't leave her. I felt like she was the "right" person for me and I started to see all of the flaws in my wife... as a wife. However - the issue is that my wife and I work GREAT as friends. It came down to the point where I just wanted to be domestic partners. I should also mention that we have a 3 year old daughter who I love very much. Fast forward to today - I found an apartment and am about to move out. I need to continue to pay for the Mortage, and the bills, so I need to also file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I'm a complete mess. I keep second guessing myself. This is a classic stupid move - leaving your wife for a new girlfriend. However, my wife and I have had problems, and have spoken about divorce in the past. I feel like we wouldn't have opened up our marriage if everything was perfect (it was a mutual choice). The relationship with my girlfriend is not brand new per say, we've been together for about 13 months. What makes this hard is that my wife and I get along so well. But our love life has completed died. I can't see her as a sexual partner anymore. We are domestic partners. She's treating my girlfriend as a betrayal because I fell in love with her, and making sure that she will make my life miserable unless I break up with the girlfriend (understandably) What I want is for things to be civil eventually. I want my wife to know that I will continue to be there for her... in any way that I can under these circumstances. I also need to be an active part in my daughters life. I'm sorry for the incomplete sentences, but this is exactly what is in my brain right now. I have no idea if I'm making the right move. I love my girlfriend, and I want to stay with her. I love my wife, but I can't be lovers with her. Yes, we went to therapy, and I've been stuck in this flux of indecisiveness, and now it's finally falling into one of the directions. I just don't know if it's the right one. I won't know until it actually happens and a few years pass. By which point it will be too late to undo what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) So you are broke, filing Chapter 13, going to have zero credit, going to divorce, going to be making child support payments, and paying for an attorney. I would be concerned your new GF, or any other woman, would want someone who is going to have no financial future for the next 5 years. Edited February 7, 2017 by Simple Logic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 It may very well be that when the affair fog lifts you won't like what you see. And if you think your wife is going to take it easy on you, be civil you've got another thing coming. Why not step away from the other woman for a bit to see if you can fix your marriage? No amount of counseling will do you any good when you aren't fully invested in trying to work it out - that means completely going no contact with the affair partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 By which point it will be too late to undo what I did. Caution: Are you sure the girl you love loves you back? Are you sure she is not just there for fun? (From my perspective as a woman: if I love a man, I would never agree to be the third tire in an open marriage.) When you are broke, and paying child support. Are you sure your girlfriend will stay with you? (Again, form my perspective: I might consider dating a man who is broke for fun; but I would not want to marry a guy who becomes broke because of marriage abandonment. How do I know I won't be the abandoned wife one day?) Think twice before you act. You will most likely lose both women, plus your daughter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 You say you can't see your wife as a sexual partner... do you mean that you literally CANNOT, that you turn into Mr. Flaccid when you get naked with her, or do you mean that you prefer not to have sex with her anymore because you're in love? Also, what does the girlfriend want from you? Is she ok being the perpetual girlfriend? Does she want marriage? Open marriage? What I'm thinking is that love always seems to run its course. In two or three years, Ms. Perfect Now is going to grow warts. We all do. Your wife, if you truly are great friends, her bangability will undoubtedly return in time, and if you can simply convince her that you think this is a crush that will pass, and it's better that you indulge it rather than obsess over it, then you don't need to get divorced. Really, what's the difference between divorced and open marriage with a favorite girlfriend? A sh*tty apartment, bankruptcy, alimony and child support, that's what. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 IMO (and based on a lot of experience), open marriages only work in two situations: where the marriage is already wonderful, strong, there are no significant issues, and you really just want some sexual variety, or where there is one significant issue, that usually being a partner who cannot or will not meet the other's sexual needs, and agrees to let that partner seek fulfillment elsewhere. Relationships do run their course, especially when there are significant problems. But in an open relationship, the idea is that if the core relationship is good, you break off any outside relationships if you begin to grow too attached. The exception is when you and your spouse can agree to move on to polyamory, where you can openly fall in love with another partner, and begin to form an extended network of loving people, rather than the usual dyad. Unfortunately, we don't choose who we fall in love with - we can choose whether or not to act on it. And if an existing relationship no longer measures up, well, I guess you choose as you have chosen. It sounds like you fall into the poly category, but you wife does not agree that it's acceptable, and somewhere in the process you've also fallen out of love (and lust) for your wife. All I can say is that you both agree to take this risk, and now one of the worst case scenarios has arisen. Now you have to deal with that as honestly and compassionately as you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) You should never end a marriage when you "have no idea if I'm doing the right thing". Here's the deal. You had an affair. Doesn't matter that your wife knew and you have the title of open marriage... you broke that rule when you fell in love and let that feeling overcome the respect for your marriage and wife. She asked you to step away and you didn't respect it. Now it's an affair. You are in the affair fog. You are seeing all the bad things in your marriage and not seeing the good things. You're rewriting history to validate the desire to leave. In my honest opinion, your marriage hasn't gone through anything that most marriages go through. and get through. But you didn't put in the effort (both of you). I think if you leave, you are going to live in a world of regret because you are leaving for another woman. You shouldn't leave for another woman, you should leave because you tried everything possible to save your marriage and you and your wife have come to the agreement together, with NO THIRD PARTY INVOLVED, that the best thing is to end the marriage. You sound like a nice guy. I think you should leave your girlfriend and give yourself and your wife a good year or REALLY TRYING. Therapy, marriage retreats, reading articles, watching videos, inviting God into your marriage if you're religious, etc. If you do all that and then it's just not happening, THEN you can leave free and clear with peace of mind and feel good about it. You don't feel good about it for a reason. Listen to your GUT Edited February 7, 2017 by aileD 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Open marriage always seem to end this way. Are you sure it was mutual consent? I doubt it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daveavery8067 Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 You should never end a marriage when you "have no idea if I'm doing the right thing". Here's the deal. You had an affair. Doesn't matter that your wife knew and you have the title of open marriage... you broke that rule when you fell in love and let that feeling overcome the respect for your marriage and wife. She asked you to step away and you didn't respect it. Now it's an affair. You are absolutely right. This is something that my wife has been trying to point out, but I was denying it. An open marriage does not mean "anything goes, and if you fall in love... throw your spouses needs and asks out the window" Because I was on the fence about this, a lot of comments on here are helping me put things into perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 You know what the right thing to do is. do it. Link to post Share on other sites
benpom Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Open marriage always seem to end this way. Are you sure it was mutual consent? I doubt it. I agree with your point. It does not sound like mutual consent. I won't consider a 'yes' based on intimidation as consent. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 your daughter is not getting much love, just part-tme, sorry to burst your bubble, what will she call the affair partner- aunty? what? please stay home Link to post Share on other sites
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