HELP on Separation

[angeredout]

My wife and I have been married for six years and we have two beautiful children. Over the course of those six years I started getting angry a lot and would snap at the stupidest things. Life was moving fast. We have built a home, had two children, and I have gone after an associate’s degree, bachelor's degree, and I am halfway through master's degree all while working full-time. My wife works part-time at night.

I feel guilty. I didn't praise my wife, I only criticized. I hardly ever romanced her and we hardly ever did things together. She has told me that she felt trapped and felt like I didn’t trust her.

 

Back in December she told me she wanted a divorce. I, realizing there was a problem, started counseling right away. I have found out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder which is causing my anger outbursts.

 

In February, she told me that she just wanted to separate because she needed time and space, and wants to sort out her feelings. She was happy to see that I was enrolled in therapy and that I was reading a lot of books on relationships, marriage, anger management, and ADD. She would not let me leave until we signed separation papers.

 

We have been separated for three weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Before we separated, she told me she was 99.99% sure I was coming back, that she loved me, and cared about me. We agreed that I would come back June 12. However, every time we see each other I have a tendency to badger her about coming back and working things out. Now she feels that she never really loved me, she feels we are not compatible, and maybe it is over between us. I have noticed that our neighbor (single male about our age) has been hanging around a lot. She tells me that they are friends…that is all he is and all he has ever been.

 

I love her, she is my princess. I just want my wife and family back. I know this isn't what she wants and that she wants to keep the family intact as well. I don't want the old relationship back. I want a new one that is better and stronger with my wife and kids. What to do?

[Devildog]

Ah yes, the "friend". Do you find it funny that her doubts about the reconciliation began about the same time this "friend" started to become friendly? I wouldn't. During a separation there is one of two things that will happen. It is either "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out of mind". Usually, it is because of a "friend" that it becomes the latter.

 

I had this same situation happen to me, only the "friend" was moving into the picture before the separation even occured. If it is a separation in order to think about your marriage she should not be spending time with other single men. It pretty much guarantees you don't have a chance. He gets to play the concerned, compassionate shoulder to cry on while all she remembers of you are the bad things.

 

And here is the really sucky part. There is nothing you can do. If you insist she not spend time with the "friend" it will make things worse and just prove to her everything the "friend" is feeding to her. You are a jerk, you are controlling, you are jealous.

 

So what can you do? My advice is to continue to work on improving yourself. Focus on you. You can hope for the best, but expect the worst.

 

Ladyjane14 can probably offer some advice for working towards reconciliation, she offered me some great advice, but it isn't guaranteed to work. If you want, read my story "Marriage in Jeapordy due to male "friend" with an agenda. It's a long read, but it might prepare you for what you face.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

If it is a separation in order to think about your marriage she should not be spending time with other single men.

 

Devildog is right about that. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with outsiders is not really conducive to repairing the marriage during separation. Particularly when you're having unaddressed communications problems with the one you're supposed to be talking to.

 

It can be very beneficial to get an unbiased opinion, but friends and family members are seldom unbiased. Opposite sex friends actually exacerbate the problem by also introducing jealousy into it.

 

He's also right that there's not much action you can take regarding this friend....not and still further your cause anyhow.

 

That said, you lose nothing really in speaking with her about it.....IF you do it right. That means, of course, that you ABSOLUTELY do not enter into a negative interchange with her.

 

What you want to do is to express your feelings about this in terms that are pertinant to YOU. You want to disuss this in first person language in conjunction with a verb which is descriptive of your emotions.

 

i.e."I feel anxious in regards to your friend. I worry that his presence in your life as a confidante will impede the progress of our reconciliation. I am hopeful that you'll share your concerns with me, rather than with a third party. In that way, we can work together for solutions."[/i]

 

And then you have to LISTEN, without interuption and without arguement. You may not get an immediate agreement from her, but you'll get your message out, and next time she's conversing with the neighbor....she'll hopefully remember. You don't need to reach an accord with her on this right now. It's not important to have that. The important part is proving to her that you can communicate your thoughts in a positive way.

[reservoirdog1]

I have noticed that our neighbor (single male about our age) has been hanging around a lot. She tells me that they are friends…that is all he is and all he has ever been.

Bulls***.

 

During the two months after my almost-XW came clean about her serial cheating, when we were working on the marriage (more like, I was working on the marriage, she was resisting every step of the way), she started hanging out, going for drinks with a rich middle-aged guy (same age as her dad) who was also going through a divorce. She talked to him a lot, tarted herself up for him, etc. She insisted that she was just listening to him talk about his situation, but I didn't believe that then and don't believe it now.

 

Anyway, very quickly I got very uncomfortable about this, told her how I was feeling, and she agreed to stop going for drinks with him. That lasted a few weeks until she announced that she was tired of trying to reconcile and that we should separate. Over the next month I packed, slept on the couch, etc., and she started hanging out with him again. We split a year and a half ago, and they got together very quickly and are still together.

 

He's more than a "friend", or if he isn't he soon will be.

 

Sorry to zero in on that one part of your story, but it really pisses me off. Cheaters or those who are trying to keep relationships hidden say that s*** all the time. Don't buy what she's trying to sell you -- it's crap, and I think you know it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

The "friend" - again! I've made several comments on this phenomenon before (including to devildog's thread if I remember correctly, but I'm not sure), and he is absolutely, 100% right about the "friend". The friend is most of why the seperation is likely to become permanent, and saying much about it just makes you a jealous, controlling jerk in the eyes of your wife. This will be half because you may have acted that way (as you said) to her in the past, and half because it is the easiest way for your wife to not have to give up the closness she knows she shouldn't be sharing with this new "friend", while blaming it on you. The advice given on how to approach her about this situation is good. Basically, just be very non-confrontational, and do not require her agreement. If may be hard to listen to her describe this guy who probably wants to do your wife as "just a really nice guy who I can talk to", and tell you "how he really is just a friend" (and she may even play the "you don't trust me" card), but remain calm, listen to her points, and then reiterate that it worries you a lot. Express everything in terms of how it affects you. If you are also seeing a marriage counselor in addition to the therapy for your anger management issues (and I hope you are also seeing a MC), bring this up (in the same non-confrontational way) in front of the marriage counselor, and see what the MC thinks of this new "friend" in your wife's life. Sadly, that is about all you can do. Getting upset about it, or giving ultimatums, will only make things worse, and push her further away.

 

While you are at it, since the "friend" is involved, you should probably go see a divorce lawyer to see exactly where you will stand when and if this "friendship" transitions from an emotional affair (which is probably what is currently going on) to a physical one.

 

I was very encouraged to see (and it's actually why I posted to this thread) that you are genuinely interested in working on your own issues and are enrolled in therapy for the ADD and anger management. You are not hiding from the problem, you are admitting what it is, and trying to fix it. This is a very good thing. The fact that you can recognize that you only criticized, never romanced, may have got unnecessarily angry and made your wife uncomfortable as a result, etc., and that you genuinely want to fix that and get help doing so probably means that there is hope for your marriage - if the "friend" does not get in the way. I was also really glad to see that you don't want the old relationship back, but you want a new and better one, not just to go back to the old ways after a few weeks has gone by. That is the right perspective.

 

Talk to your wife, calmy and respectfully, like LadyJane said. Don't make it about you going back right away, or any of the other things she has said she doesn't want right now. Just talk to her from your heart, like a friend, and remember to tell her how all of this is affecting you as far as your own worries about what is going on with trying to fix the relationship. Tell her you are doing all that you can, and that you are worried about this, but that the decision is hers. If you do manage to get back with her, don't think that the problem is solved, remember the issues that made things bad to begin with, and keep fixing them. With enough work, you can work it out. While you can subtly try to explain how you feel, ultimately it will be up to her whether to lose the "friend" and give you that chance.

 

Good luck.