Upset & lost about husband leaving

[Tweetyj98]

I'm new here & so very lost & confused. I hope to get some advice & support here. My husband & I have been married for not quite 3 years (together almost 6). About a year ago he told me out of the blue one day that he was unhappy & stressed & needed to move out for awhile. He told me at the time that he still loved me & that this wasn't permanent but he needed time. It wasn't much of an explanation but I was devastated & so didn't press for answers at the time. Now a year later & he's still not home. I never planned on letting it drag out this long but I tried to give him what he needed. I loved him & was just hoping he'd come home. We have 2 young boys & they need their daddy. Unfortunately he's only seen them a few times over the past year.

 

He was staying at his fire station which is 2 hours from our home. And when he first left he kept in touch frequently & we talked almost every night. But then things went down hill & there was over a month of time where he wouldn't answer the phone when I called though he'd occasionally answer texts. I suspected he was cheating though he denied he was & still does. I don't know if I believe him but things started to get better & he visited us a bit more. He even started talking about coming home though it wasn't discussed in detail. I started to get so hopeful. But then about 2 months ago things started to go down hill again. We talked less & less & I've seen on our phone bill he's having long conversations with someone else & I'm talking sometimes up to 4+hours here. I asked him about it but never got a response. He just told me he didn't have an answer for me. As of now he hasn't called or answered my phone calls in almost 2 weeks & isn't answering my texts either (4+ days now). I'm just so tired & angry at all the games he's playing & above all else I'm so devastated. I just want to cry all the time. It's hard working full time & caring for 2 young boys on my own. I just don't know what to do any more. I still love him & as stupid as it makes me I still want him home. But I'm starting to come to the realization that will never happen but the idea of a divorce scares me just as much.

 

I don't know what I'm hoping for but I needed somewhere to vent & get some other opinions & advice. Unfortunately I don't really have any close friends to talk things over with. So Thanks for reading and any thoughts anyone had would be appreciated.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Tweetyj98

[CarrieT]

9 times out of 10 when people (not just men!) do this sort of thing, it is because they are already involved in another relationship.

 

I am not sure why you are so afraid of divorce when you are essentially already a single mother.

 

I believe you have put with his crap for too long and it is time to fix the situation. File for divorce and sue him for custody and child support. That way, if he decides not to communicate - as he has been doing - you will at least get some renumeration to help take care of your children.

[Mr. Lucky]

But then about 2 months ago things started to go down hill again. We talked less & less & I've seen on our phone bill he's having long conversations with someone else & I'm talking sometimes up to 4+hours here. I asked him about it but never got a response. He just told me he didn't have an answer for me. As of now he hasn't called or answered my phone calls in almost 2 weeks & isn't answering my texts either (4+ days now).

 

He's gone dark out of guilt, avoidance is easier than facing what he's done to you and your kids.

 

CarrieT's advice is good - drag him into court and get the ball rolling for support and settlement. That will be one conversation he can't hide from...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

Tweetyj98,

 

HUGS for you and HUGS for your boys. Look, you need to file for divorce. This may be the thing that shows him what he is about to lose. Heed CarrieT's advise. It maybe the only thing left for you to do.

 

I wish you and yours luck

[PegNosePete]

Yeah, chances are very high that he's cheating. Well technically he probably sees you as "separated" so doesn't even regard it as cheating any more.

 

See a lawyer and file for divorce. It's the only sensible course of action in this situation.

[oldshirt]

This is nuts. Why have you put up with this silliness for so long. He's checked out and not performing the role of husband and father in the slightest and obviously has no intention of ever doing so. He just tells you things to keep you hanging on so he can live with his girlfriend (or boyfriend) and not pay child support and alimony.

 

Take charge of your life and move on towards your own future. Get a lawyer, file for divorce and get as much child support and alimony and as much of the marital assets as you can.

 

File for total custody as he has completely abandoned the children and his marital and parental responsibilities.

 

Once you have done that, get some personal counseling to try to determine why you were willing to accept and settle for this kind of treatment and do something about it so you aren't so weak and helpless going into the future.