Tragedy, Heartache, Hope, and Pain

[itscomplicated33]

All, I am a first time poster. I have read many posts on this forum but nothing that really covers my history or situation. It is incredibly complicated and emotionally difficult for me to process. I will apologize in advance but the post will be somewhat lengthy as I feel that the history of the relationship is important for people to understand before issuing advice on how to proceed.

 

I am a 34 year old married man, married to a 33 year old woman. We have been together for 17 years and married for 11. We have two children together. A son who is 8, and a daughter that just turned 14 months old. My wife and I started dating when we were in high school and got married in 2004. We maintained a relationship through college (not long distance) and neither of us have ever really been in any other form of a serious relationship.

 

We are both professionals and are well educated. I work in aeronautical engineering and have a small consulting company. She is currently a stay at home mom, having taken an extended leave from her job as a middle school teacher.

 

During our high school and college years things were pretty good. I rarely recall any issues between us and we both longed to spend time with one another. We were good friends and formed many strong relationships as a couple with other people. The sex was good, communication was good, and we appreciated the time that we had together. As the clock ticked away the pressure of marriage began to build. Both of our parents (still married) had gotten married early in life and I believe we both looked to their relationships as an example model. We bought our first home in 2003 when we were engaged and about a year later, in 2004, we married in front of what seemed like a million people.

 

I was still in graduate school for most of the engagement and living on campus. Once married, life began to change quickly. The girl that I loved for the past 6 years had turned into an alien. In the past we had spent stints living in each other dorms, but never before had we had to deal with the daily grind and real world responsibilities. She worked as an underpaid school teacher in Florida and I took an entry level position at a large private defense contractor making peanuts. Prior to this we really had never argued, yet over time the bickering began to increase and on multiple instances they would escalate to screaming matches. As time went on we attempted to resolve our differences through good communication and in 2006 we welcomed our first child - a healthy boy.

 

Parenthood brought new challenges to the relationship. Gradually money became tighter, arguing increased, and sex dramatically declined. In an effort to bolster our income I took on a teaching position as a faculty member where I used to attend graduate school. There I taught evening courses. In addition I began to perform some consulting services on the side for another start up company. As our income level increased I found that I was not able to spend much time at home with the wife and kid. We had built a little nest egg, and in 2008 I had decided that I was fed up with "working for the man" and decided that I would maintain my side job as a consultant and begin to focus on starting my own business.

 

The first year was incredibly difficult and stressful. Miraculously I was able to maintain my existing salary and start to build a network of contacts. By the time the second year had been closed out I had managed to double my previous salary and manage my time better. The wife and I continued to argue and bicker, mostly at her instigation, over the minor details of living. Sex, passion, communication, all remained at depressed levels... yet through all of this we decided that maybe introducing another child into the mix (since we could now afford to do so) would improve our relationship. (BIG MISTAKE! FOR THOSE WONDERING)

 

We decided to attempt to have another child, at which point sex was back on the table. Although it always felt very biological in nature. In 2008 she announced to me that she was pregnant. And this is where the tidal wave of tragedy begins...

 

7 weeks later she suffered a miscarriage. We both briefly grieved and chalked it up to natures way and continued about of lives. A year later in 2009 we decided to try again and she quickly became pregnant. 12 weeks later she suffered another miscarriage. This time the grief was a little more substantial and we began to see doctors for genetic testing, analysis, etc. Doctors had discovered a slight imbalance in her hormone levels and worked to correct that with a regiment of shots and a year later we tried again. Again, she quickly became pregnant. This time more hopeful that the results would be positive. 10 weeks later she suffered a third miscarriage. I always sympathized with her feelings associated with the losses but we became more and more distant. However we're both pretty determined individuals and we thought that a child would fix it all. It was the pain that was causing the problems in our minds.

 

Three miscarriages in three years. The doctors assured us that there was nothing wrong with her and that it was just a series of unfortunate coincidences. One year later we tried again... and she quickly became pregnant. The first 12 weeks were the longest of my life, and finally she made it past the first trimester. Over the course of those previous three years or relationship had continued to devolve and I attributed much of it to the pain of our mutual losses. On the flip side, the company I had started continued to flourish and I was making good money had managed to employ a sizable staff and was more than able to support my family.

 

Then while my wife was about 8 months along, while away on a business trip my cell phone began to ring in the middle of the night. My sister in law told me that I needed to come to the hospital quickly. I had initially thought the baby was coming early because our son was a few weeks early. When I got to the hospital I was met by my family and I will never forget the look on their face. She had lost the baby. The anger. The rage. The sadness. Every emotion one can possibly feel consumed my heart and body for the better part of 6 months following that event.

 

Together my wife and I entered counseling. We not only worked to resolve our mutual grief but we also took the opportunity to work on our relationship. And for a period of time things got better. We were communicating, the arguing stopped as she had gained a sense of perspective as to what really mattered in life. Nonetheless over the course of a few months after counseling we found ourselves back in the same ruts. Harsh criticism, arguments, lack of appreciation, no intimacy, etc. At the time she thought the gravity of our situation and history was still a little too heavy for her and that a change in scenery was in order. My business was experiencing explosive growth. So we began to look for a new home. A place where we could start new.

 

At this point things between my wife and I were worse than ever. I explained to her that this was a large financial commitment and that I expected her to resolve or attempt to resolve her feelings of discontent with life. After all, even with the heartache we still had it pretty good. She agreed that it would happen and that the change in scenery was all that she needed. As such we sold our condo and put a contract in on the house of her dreams overlooking waterfront.

 

After moving in, the first few months were great! We were having fun again. Sex was back in our lives. We went on trips. She was right, that's all she needed and I was proud to have worked so hard to have been able to give it to her. Then, without planning she became pregnant again, for the 6th time. We brushed aside feelings of impending doom for 9 months and delivered a healthy baby girl. Things were perfect. Finally we had the life everyone dreamed of. I was a successful business owner, we had a huge house, we overcame tragedy, we had two beautiful children. What more could you ask for?

 

Then the free fall began. Bickering started again. Arguments turned into emotional abuse. I was told that I was not spending enough time doing things around the house and helping with the kids (bull****). I was told I was not a good and loving father. She would tell me that she hated me simply because I might have forgotten to take the trash out to the curb. At this point her dissatisfaction with life began to enter her job. She had become disenchanted with teaching and decided that she would rather be a stay at home mom. I worked hard to secure more contracts so that this could be possible and within a month of her request we took the plunge. Successfully.

 

I had hoped that this would finally appease her. I hoped that she would finally appreciate my love and commitment to our family. But the free fall continued. The bickering became a distant and fond memory compared to the screaming, yelling, and emotional abuse that constantly consumed our relationship. No matter what I did, no matter what needs I attempted to meet, she was not satisfied.

 

Sex became non-existent. My attempts to kiss her were physically pushed off. The arguments increased in intensity over more and more trivial matters. I subconsciously became emotionally detached as a method to protect myself. I dreaded coming home. All of this I communicated to her. I began to resent her. How could I do so much, share this history with her, and her not love me? Her not treat me with respect and passion. Our connection was cold. The only thing that bound us at that point was our children and the history of our pain. After all - who else can possibly relate to that?

 

The irony is, from the outside we presented this picture perfect life. A happy family that had overcome tragedy. We were what everyone should strive to be, right? (Sarcasm). Self made wealth, healthy family, big house, stay at home mom - man we have it all!!! And behind closed doors it was nothing short of a pure ****ing nightmare. For the better part of the year I began to think... "I never want my children to have a relationship like this..." We were done. There was nothing but the history, kids, and materialistic goods. And for the children, it's worth hanging on in hopes of it getting better. Because clearly we're the couple that never gives up on anything.

 

Then - It happened. Something I never in my life thought would happen. While at an educational conference I ran into an old classmate. Someone that I had spent about two years going to school with. We began talking over dinner, catching up on old times, over the conversation I learned that she had divorced over similar issues, and just like that... We found ourselves passionately making love in a hotel. This was over six months ago and to this day it was the best connection I have ever experienced with someone in my life. The sad part is that I didn't even feel guilt or shame. I figured I had done everything that I could. I justified it by telling myself that my wife had backed me into a corner. I had given her everything a woman could ask for. I became a cheater. Someone I never thought I would ever be. Someone I never thought I was even capable of being. And I didn't care... because for the first time in years I felt loved, and I still do.

 

So - about a month after the start of an affair my wife said some very hurtful things. Things that cut exceptionally deep and I just said... you know what? Screw it. I want out. I'm done. I want a separation. I promised to continue to support her financially until she could find a job and that i wanted this to be amicable.

 

She insisted that we get counseling and I agreed. I said to myself I'll try one more time. Let's see if we can make this work. Let's see if she can change. For the sake of my children and reputation I have never said a word about the affair. Despite our strong feelings for each other we had decided to cool it during this process. She understood that with a family I had to attend to the children first.

 

After 4 months of counseling things had not gotten better. She put on a good game face in session (just like in public) and when it became just the two of us she turned into the alien monster I described - frankly it actually got worse. I kept hearing the counselor say, this is raw... it usually gets worse before it gets better. Keep motivated, have an open mind...

 

After failing to experience any progress I began to talk with my former classmate again. We met up for dinner and yet again found ourselves alone enjoying the company. A month ago, after discussing plans for a possible future with this other woman I moved out of the house... resolved, confident, excited, yet still fearful of the pain I might cause my children.

 

My parents and extended family had vehemently objected citing our perfect life. Our history. Our children. After I explained the situation they seemed to understand better and had accepted my decision. Then people began to intervene with her. For the past three weeks she has treated me nicely, begged me to come home, said that she's finally able to work on "us" and that she was just never able to process the grief of so much loss.

 

It's been only for the past three weeks that I have begun to experience second thoughts and feelings of guilt.

 

-How could I do this to my wife who has been through so much pain and given me two children?

-How can I do this to my children, they will hate me!

-Maybe this time she finally gets it? She says i'm the love of her life, maybe she can finally demonstrate this?

-As much as she has made me hurt over the years I can't bear to see her cry!

-What is everyone going to think about me?

-If I give this another chance I know i'll be losing out on a really good opportunity for happiness.

 

At the same time I'm experiencing hope and anger.

-This other woman is good to me. It might not last, but it's better than anything I have ever had. That's for sure.

-If she really did love me, why didn't she work to sustain change in our relationship the many times before?

-Is this just another ploy... Is this just one more thing for me to give her only to be left with the taste of regret weeks, months, years from now?

-If I stay, will I be losing out on the love of MY life?

-We both experienced loss, what gives her the right to use grief as justification for treating me poorly for so long?

 

 

I'm not proud of the fact that there is an affair. I never thought it would be in me - so please don't judge unless you have walked even a fraction of a mile in my shoes. I just don't know what to do. I feel trapped, guilty, manipulated - but at the same time I don't regret it one bit because this other woman is the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long, long time. Sometimes I just hope that it might be possible to achieve what we had so many years ago... but realistically I think it's just gone.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - Thanks for your patience in reading!

Edited August 6, 2015 by itscomplicated33

[tamcat]

While I'm not in the exact situation as you, there are similarities. My wife and I had a smooth sailing marriage for the first few years. We used to both party hard, but as time passed and we had our child, I calmed down. She didn't. Piece by piece my respect was chipped away. After I threatened to leave, she went to see a psychologist, who told her that she has a drinking problem. Once she heard it from a professional, she stopped drinking. In the meantime I crossed paths with an old flame, and this woman makes me happier than what I have been in years. We have not gotten physical. My wife knows all about it. We are now in a situation where we can't financially afford to separate, and we're both scared of what a divorce would do to our son. My wife always seems to acknowledge issues too late, after being in denial. Look, don't get me wrong, I am no angel in this story. I know that I'm in the wrong for loving another woman, but we did not go looking for it, or ask to fall in love. Now my wife and I want to try and see if there is anything left to work with, but how do you do that when you love someone else? And I think that's the case with you too? Many people will tell you that you can't work on your marriage while the other woman is in the picture. Fair enough, that's not rocket science to understand. But feelings are not something you flick on and off like a light switch. My two cents are just that it should NOT be this difficult to choose between two people. I know you want to make it work for your kids. But can you really be the kind of example you want to be for them, if you are unhappy and you show them that your own happiness isn't that important? If my son was married, and he told me that he wasn't happy, I would do everything I could to show him my support and unconditional love. A lot of how the kids perceive and experience a divorce depends on how the parents handle it and conducts themselves. I am extremely fortunate in the sense that my wife and I are really best friends, and we are both committed to be as amicable as possible, should worse come to worse and we decide that divorce is the right thing for us. If I were you, I would sit down with my wife, and you guys really have an open discussion/conversation about realistically, what is keeping you together. It is only one of two things - love or fear. These two things can not co-exist. Take it from there and just do it day by day. Good luck, mate

[minimariah]

just a quick question & some thoughts --

 

This was over six months ago and to this day it was the best connection I have ever experienced with someone in my life.

 

what does this REALLY mean...?

 

remember the very BEST moments you had with your wife -- can they compare to those BEST moments with the OW...? can the connection you felt with your wife compare with the connection you had with the OW...? did you ever, in ANY moment, thought about your wife as the love of your life...?

 

if you've never felt (what you're feeling for your OW right now) with your wife... then, realistically, your marriage never stood a chance - no matter what your wife did. from the beginning of the post - i never got the feeling that you REALLY loved your wife - at any point. i got the feeling that you settled for her and that... what you had with her was GOOD but not FANTASTIC. that can also be the reason your wife had backed away from you - the feeling that she really isn't loved by you. doesn't matter how you act... it's something in the air, something you cannot see or hear - you just feel it. and most folks feel when they aren't being loved as they think they should be loved.

 

Sometimes I just hope that it might be possible to achieve what we had so many years ago... but realistically I think it's just gone.

 

this part -- i'm not sure you can bring back something you've never had. if you were never crazily & passionatelly in love with your wife the way you are with your AP - what is there to bring back...?

 

i have a feeling your marriage would've fallen apart even if your wife was the best wife in the entire world. seems like you never really felt that natural, unexplainable connection with her so with that - your marriage was doomed from the beginning. your wife was just never the one for you.

 

is your OW the one...? who knows. only time and a real relationship with her will show that. the best way to test the realness of an affair relationship is to give them freedom. they either crack and burn out OR they turn into something valuable.

 

divorce. i don't think you're having second thoughts - you're scared, as simple as that. that's completely normal and natural because divorce is a big life chance and a big deal. it's like being scared before a really big exam (lame comparison but bear with me) - the point is, that fear isn't a sign that you SHOULDN'T do it.

 

now... another chance with your wife probably won't work - you don't love her, as simple as that. you're in love with someone else and want to be with someone else. to REALLY give your marriage a chance, you'd have to be emotionally "clean" - in my opinion, you have already checked out. that's also one of the reasons why your MC didn't work out - it's not JUST your wife's fault... you're in love with someone else & no matter what your wife does... it won't work out. you don't view her as someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. at this point, what your wife does or doesn't do - it won't matter. because now the main problem is YOU & your lack of emotional investment.

 

so my advice - go for divorce, try to be as respectful and friendly with your wife as you possibly can... she will be and is hurt so be patient and understandable. your children won't hate you - as long as you and your wife are civil with each other. is that possible...? can you and your wife be friends and civil with each other? it seems like you have a lot of resentment and unresolved grief going on so some kind of joint counseling in order to improve your post - divorce and co - parent relationship would be a good idea. be careful with the children -- it is important they spend enough time with BOTH parents so 50:50 custody would be for the best. the initial shame & fear - all normal but that will pass. it's always hardest to do the first step.

 

one more thing -- you're emotionally starved. make sure you deal with that & the anger and the hurt you feel for your wife for feeling neglected and unloved for so long... when you deal with that and heal, only then try something serious with someone new. don't rush into things and jump from one relationship to another - just take your time and think about your children first. allow them to adapt, then start introducing the new person to their lives (if it comes to that). otherwise, you might just find yourself in a relationship even more draining.

Edited August 6, 2015 by minimariah

[Adam777]

Sorry...this message got long but there are parallels between your and my marriage, including miscarriages sadly.

 

You know full well the affair was wrong so no point me harping on about that. You're an intelligent guy and seem to have a good inner-dialogue which is going to help you no end in this process.

 

As for becoming emotionally distant due to the verbal abuse, yep that was my life for some time and I know how that feels. So I'll give you my 2 cents from a relationship from a similar vein to your own.

 

-This other woman is good to me. It might not last, but it's better than anything I have ever had. That's for sure.

 

Are you having a mid-life crisis? Thats what I worked on with my own counsellor before I pushed for divorce. If you do not have a counsellor to discuss your situation with (by yourself) then I suggest you get one, obviously not the same one you used with your wife.

 

-If she really did love me, why didn't she work to sustain change in our relationship the many times before?

 

Because she is abusive and probably didn't think she needed too until you surprised her with divorce (if her traits are similar to my wifes. Mine simply thought I needed to 'man up and not be so sensitive'. Abusers tend (from what Ive read) to usually become surprised when their partners leave them.

 

 

-Is this just another ploy... Is this just one more thing for me to give her only to be left with the taste of regret weeks, months, years from now?

 

You'll only know if you stay. I stayed twice after pushing things towards divorce and my wife's abuse got better....well she stopped shouting but she was still controlling....just at a lower decibel level.

 

 

-If I stay, will I be losing out on the love of MY life?

 

You'll only know if you leave but if this is your sole reason for leaving your wife then theres no fool like an old fool (see my point about mid-live crisis above). Only you can delve into your motivations.

 

There is no way to know if the decision you will make is the right one, but you have to make one and there will be doubts. In my case I've decided to push on with divorce and yes I have doubts, but I manage them (I'll go into that below).

 

 

-We both experienced loss, what gives her the right to use grief as justification for treating me poorly for so long?

 

Well it might be irrational and illogical but it might also be true that she sees it as justification. Which brings us back to the part about her being abusive.

 

One anecdote from me. Two years ago on holiday in Japan, a holiday we planned for six months, there was a ball game I wanted to see, the only one every year I really make time to see no matter where I am (Wales v England at Rugby). Its in the middle of a 15 game tournament, but I only wanted to see this one game and told my wife repeatedly throughout the planning stages that no matter where we were I was watching the game online for two hours that evening. If we were at home I'd have watched all the games over the weeks the tournament is played. Now I suspect I kept reminding her of my plans to see the game as I felt on some level she'd try to stop me.

 

Queue the evening in question and we are in Nagasaki, I tell my wife I'm heading back to the hotel to see the game and she throws a massive temper tantrum and demands we go out for the evening because "how many nights do you get to spend in Nagasaki in your life".

 

I was shocked that she felt she had a right not only to ignore my long held plans but also had the right to get mad at me when I tried to implement those plans. I went to see the game anyway (Wales lost which sucked I'm sure you'll agree).

 

My wife returned to the hotel and I patiently explained to her that the message she was sending to me was that I wasn't allowed to make plans unless she approved of them and my plans could be changed at the last minute by her if she felt so. She kept telling me "Well how many nights do you get to spend in Nagasaki" as if to say "You're wrong baby and Im right".

 

This experience had a profound effect on me (I was quite unhappy by that point anyway) and I explained this to our counsellor months later (as I decided on this holiday to leave her due to several other incidents). I explained the whole story to the counsellor and what I felt the implications of my wifes actions were and the effect it had on our relationship. At which point my wife looked at the counsellor and threw her hands in the air and said "Well I mean, how many nights do you get to spend in Nagasaki".....

 

My point (after this long story) is that abusers just think they are right and you are wrong and it doesnt have to be logical or fair. They just don't get it.

 

If you are really that distant, and only you can know that, then you know what to do. Will you ever have absolute certainty its the right decision....well if you're like me then no you won't.

 

I'm filing papers soon, I get moments of self doubt but I just remind myself of my reasons and her behaviour and I get through them. It may be a mistake in the long run but I won't know that until I know that. I have a life to live and Im sure enough it is not with this woman as my wife.

 

I hope some of this may have helped.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Adam777

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I just hope that it might be possible to achieve what we had so many years ago... but realistically I think it's just gone.

 

You'll never know the answer to this with the OW as your back-up plan since it ensures a less than 100% focus on fixing your marriage.

 

Two realistic courses -

 

- Divorce and be the best parent and person life allows

 

- Permanently break things off with your OW, tell your wife the truth about the affair and work to restore your marriage.

 

There's no middle ground...

 

Mr. Lucky