Husband is Very Distant, I am Thinking Divorce

[princesslady]

Hello, everybody!

I am in need of some advice, please.. It's kind of a long story, I will try to be brief and to the point.

So my husband has changed. We've been married almost 10 years. He used to be sweet and kind, very affectionate; he did so much for me. The past 1.5 years though have been horrible. He is not the same person. He is no longer affectionate, he doesn't want sex and I pretty much get that he doesn't love me anymore. He did get a real stressful job around that time, so maybe now I am seeing what he's made of and that he can't handle it, but regardless.. Things are not improving. He's generally irritable and verbally abusive. I have been trying to fix the relationship and I know I am not perfect, but maybe things have gone a little too far to be fixed. How do we know when it's time to call it quits?

The real hard thing, we have a young child. I want custody of the child. Also, I am from Europe and I want to return to where my family is and bring my son with. I don't know the laws or regulations on this. I am afraid he'll be hindering me in any possible way. Does anyone know the law on this?

 

Some of the things he now does.. He now curses me out periodically, esp. if I bother to bring up this subject of reconciling our marriage. If it's after 10 pm, I better not even start anything since he's too tired. Of course, too tired for sex too. He brings up really old stories to show how he's been dissatisfied with the marriage (like 5 years ago type) while back then he didn't say he was unhappy.. He says he needs the outside world to feel alive and that he hates coming home most days as there are problems here. Of course there are though, as we're dealing with a young child! He is too tired. Also, his behavior has been just flat out strange. He is very secretive, like on the Internet.. He's gone out and made weird purchases in stores even and didn't ask me first. I bring it up, he goes all aggressive on me, how dare I ask him! He even took money out of the bank because he could, because he earned it, and who knows where it went. I have suspected an affair. I mean, we were gone visiting people and he wouldn't even send me emails during that time, and if he did, they were short and the "Love, xxx" was there half of the time, if that! No clue what he could possibly be doing at home, what could keep someone so busy to send a quick loving email to the person they married! I have been on him, trying to bust him cheating, but no luck. At the same time, he works with mostly men and the few women there for the lack of a better word, are kind of ugly, married, and with kids. As for me, I am an attractive woman and I catch the eyes of men when I go places. Feels good, makes me feel alive! At home I am like a piece of furniture to him. And he always turns it on me, like it's my fault.. On another note, potentially we made a mistake to even marry. We rushed, and were just 20. However, we worked great until the past 2 years or so..

 

So here we go, I wrote a novel.. Basically, the question is simple. When do you call it quits; and if anyone knows how it works with moving to a different country after divorce/separation. Thank you!

[RenJen]

I'm sorry you're going through this. That sounds awful.

 

My husband always worked really hard, practically working himself to death because he's a workaholic, and refused to change it, but that's a different story. How I relate is that my husband took on a really stressful job and that's when he changed a lot. He was irritable, mean, and just a downright jerk. It turned out, he was having an affair and was "in love" with this other woman. He and I will be divorcing.

 

I'm not saying your husband is, because I honestly don't know. I don't want to put you through more emotional hurt, but I've been through two cheating husbands. In both cases, the behavior was really similar to yours. I believe people in relationships have a right to privacy and hobbies, but if there's a sudden shift like this or just weird behavior, there's likely something up. I'm not confirming anything, I'm just offering you my perspective, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

 

I'm by no means saying you should tolerate or have sympathy for his behavior, because his actions are unacceptable. But people DO change drastically when they're stressed, exhausted, and all that stuff. When my husband gets a good night sleep, he's practically a different person. If you've ever pulled an all-nighter or anything, that's how my husband feels constantly. I respected and understood that, but the affair and how nasty he got was just too much, and he refused to change.

 

Your husband sounds like he needs to take care of himself. He's obviously unhappy for some reasons whether it's the marriage or job or both. He sounds really frustrated with something above anything else but refuses to discuss it with you. That's unhealthy. If you're so unhappy and it's affecting your emotional well being or that of your child, and your gut says that you can't work it out, then go with your gut. Bring up counseling to him when he's in an okay-ish mood. If he refuses to change, don't put up with it.

 

Unfortunately, I can't tell you anything about moving to another country with a child that after a separation/divorce. The only case I know of, happened to a friend of mine and his current wife's son from a previous marriage moved after he was an adult and custody didn't apply anymore. Maybe get some legal advice or do research on the websites of your country? Chances are, you're not the only person who's been in a situation like this. Either way, do your research.

[princesslady]

Thank you so much for your reply. Honestly, I am so worked up, sad, and just miserable, that I can't even sleep.

My issue, I always blame myself. Doesn't help that the husband always "helps" me in that regard.

For example, he is pissed off that we don't do date nights. But honestly, with a young child, you have to have someone you trust watch them or have family around. We don't. I mean, his family is somewhat close, but his mom is very difficult, it's either her way or no way. I choose not to interact with her as she's comfortable shoving things in my face how I am raising our child wrong, etc, etc. He used to be very understanding, now he wants her a sitter, period.

It's just so ****ty going through this, in a foreign country, without any friends. I mean, I have friends, but not close enough I would tell such stories to. I don't need the entire town talking about my problems.

He does hate his job. It pays well, but it requires a lot. I do suspect he's cheating, but I have no idea when he'd find the time. He leaves early to go to his job, and is usually home right after. He did make some adjustments to his Facebook account that doesn't mention me anymore, so minor things like that.. His look has not changed though. Dresses horribly still.

Whenever I ask about an unauthorized purchase, I get an ear full. How dare I don't trust him, I am this bad person, etc and etc. It just makes me cry every time.

I know I have to be strong and do my research. The day to day is just really hard though. I don't know how to interact with him. He is very tense. He doesn't like saying "I love you", but he would do it sometimes for a check mark. Then attacks me that I don't say it enough to him.

I just have a little part-time job, as the money was not important. We've agreed I should take some time off and do the best for the child. It helped our son greatly, as I was able to raise him myself. Now my husband doesn't appreciate that at all, it seems. I walked away from a well paying job, but we did it voluntarily. He says he is always tired of seeing either work or his second job - me and his son. He wants more. When he went to a work party, he actually felt good about life again. Here he doesn't. I don't know what to say! Raising young children requires sacrifice, in my opinion, if you want to be a good parent. Of course you could always send them off to some daycare lady and see them for 1 hour a day, but this is not the route I wanted to take. Neither did he. Now he's tired of dealing with his son, I guess, who is a great kid and very well behaved for his age!

I didn't realize my husband was so mean. He's just plain cruel. He says such things that just hurt my insides. I cry and it doesn't affect him. The next thing he'll try to do is take my son away. I know it. I have to get my act together and figure something out, but like I said, it's just so hard not having any support close by. I thank you for your response. You really helped me.

[RenJen]

I completely get where your coming from! My marriage imploded just over a year ago (when I found out about the affair). I felt the same way; couldn't sleep, constantly crying, thinking of everything I did wrong. The worst thing too was that my first husband also had an affair that destroyed are marriage and here I am dealing with AGAIN. I struggle a lot with what I did wrong, and how I could have been so blind and missed all the red flags, because I truly loved my current husband. I made mistakes in my first marriage that pushed him away, but this time around I was nothing but a good and faithful wife.

 

Another thing you and I have in common is that I also have a youngish child with my current husband. I had her at 46 and she's 8 now, but was 6-7 when all this was going on.

 

My husband also blamed me for a lot of things. Still does. Why didn't I work more to make more money, he asks. Well he has two full time jobs and worked one during the day and at night. He refused to quit one so I could work and contribute financially. He was mad that I didn't sue my first husband for child support, but my eldest was a teenager when all this went down and I didn't want to hurt her more by suing her father, plus I wouldn't have gotten any money from him anyway. After TEN YEARS he holds on to this and resents me.

 

Honestly, some men are just so immature emotionally. My husband has the emotional maturity of a 17 year old. My eldest daughter (in her only 20s) is dealing with a break up right now too with a guy who is also in his early 20s, but has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. A lot of people just like to blame people for their problems.

 

I completely understand your stance on the date night thing. I've never been a parent to put my child in the hands of a random babysitter, because personally I believe that I child needs support and structure from the parent when they're still young. Plus we were both in our late 40s when our daughter was really little, so all of her grandparents are just too old to have to chase a young child around. Those are the sacrifices you make when you have a child. You get more independence as they get older. That's just how it goes. Your husband doesn't seem to get that.

 

It's difficult enough going through this, let alone in a foreign country! Can you FaceTime or Skype with your family and friends in the country you're from? I get it though, I only talked to my eldest daughter about my marriage because she's the only one I wanted knowing my business. I live in small town, so I didn't want to suffer more humiliation by having the entire town talking about it. I'm better now, that it's been a year since this all exploded, but it still sucks. Find people who can really trust and keep posting online. The people here are very supportive and many of them can relate. You shouldn't have to do this alone or keep it all inside. It'll just eat you up inside.

 

My husband has two very good paying jobs, but he hates one of them. Like I said, I don't want to make you go nuts with suspicion by saying something like "oh yeah he's DEFINITELY cheating", because that kind of thing doesn't help. But I've learned in all my years (I'm in my early 50s), that SOMETHING is almost always up when someone changes really drastically really fast.

 

Believe me, if someone wants to cheat, they WILL find the time. My husband goes to work at 6am-5pm for his first job and 9pm-5am for his second job nearly every day unless it's a holiday or he has a day/weekend off. As it was he didn't have time for children, his hobbies (that he LOVES more than anything else), or even to get 4-ish hours of sleep a night. He still had time to have an affair and maintain it for almost a year. If someone wants to, they WILL make time to cheat.

 

Like I said, I don't know if he is. But YOU know him. If it's in your gut and nothing you hear convinces you otherwise, than go with your gut. That's what I did. I was suspicious for a while, as he would come home from his first job later and got really secretive and just started acting weird in general. I went with my gut and I was, unfortunately, right.

 

The unauthorized purchases thing is odd. Your married. That money is legally yours as well. I really don't think that's acceptable and you have every right to address it. A person who has nothing to hide wouldn't get defensive about it, especially in a marriage. Like I said, every couple has a right to their things. I'm passionate about running, so that's my time and space. My husband goes hunting. But there are places where it crosses a line. You're supposed to be a team, and that means being honest about finances.

 

You don't have to rush into anything you're not ready for. Do it in pieces. If you feel like doing research one day, then do it. If you don't the next or it becomes to overwhelming at the time, just set it aside for later. You have to brave and strong, but don't risk driving yourself into more stress and misery. Do it when you feel ready to. When my husband cheated, everyone screamed "DIVORCE!!!!" at me and I just wasn't ready. I was depressed and angry, and was in such an emotional fog that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Over time, I got my bearings and am now starting to be stronger and braver and take more action.

 

Navigating your situation will be difficult with him, but stick to your guns and let someone know if you feel unsafe with how he's acting towards you. You have every right to bring these issues up to him, he's your HUSBAND. That's what marriages are about. As it is right now, he's being verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. That's NOT okay.

 

My husband NEVER appreciated anything I did around the home! He told me to stay home from work after our daughter was born (he and I are in the same field and I can make just as much as he does), but then acts like raising a child and running a household (I make everyone's meals, do all the laundry, etc.) isn't real work. Not to mention, I raised my oldest daughter from my first marriage through her teenage years and took care of his two children from his previous marriage. But he never appreciated it. I lost all my financial independence for this guy, and I was okay with it, because we had a young child and someone had to take care of her and be a caregiver full time.

 

I was also never a day care parent, by personal choice. I wanted my children to learn structure and stability from me. I think it's important to spend time with children in those early years. They go by FAST. My eldest is in her 20s and it feels like yesterday she was a little girl.

 

Your his wife. NOT his second job. He should LIKE spending time with you and his son. My husband never did. He's always completely disinterested in his children. It's sad because of how it effects the kids, but it's his choice. Family was just a chore for him. Having children is hard work and sacrifice, ESPECIALLY when they're very young! You're not going to have that freedom and independence when your kids are so young, it just doesn't work that way. It's work and it's sacrifice. It's not always fun, but it's worth it, and if both parents are patient and dedicated it can work beautifully.

 

Like I said, your husband's treatment of you is uncalled for and unfair. It's emotionally abusive. He's an adult. He should know how to sort out his issues WITH you and how to deal with stress. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, believe me, I understand. But let yourself be upset, get it out of your system. Post online here. If your husband makes you feel unsafe in your own home, tell someone. If you can, try getting closer with friends where you are right now. People you can trust. If you have a church group or work friends, try working on those friendships if possible or if you have time. Contact your family and friends from your country. They will be your lifesavers.

 

When you're feeling strong or ready, try to seek legal council, especially because of living in a different country. You don't have to commit to hiring a lawyer immediately (at least where I live, in the USA) and they can give you advice on what to do.

 

You're a really strong person and you sound like a wonderful parent. Keep your wits about you the best you can, stick to your guns.

 

I'm really glad I could help, and I'm happy to help and offer anything I can. Sorry my response is so long!

[princesslady]

Please don't apologize! After sleeping 2-3 hours last night, trust me, I was delighted to see your post in the morning! Thank you!

May I ask you a question? How did you find out he was cheating? I know when the obvious signs are there, it's fairly easy, but in this case, I just can't get him. Unless the lady likes visits at 6 am, lol, I don't see how he would fit it in his schedule.. Or I suppose maybe his lunches are not always what they seem. It's hard to follow him around with a young child who needs to eat/sleep kind of during that lunch time.

I do talk over Skype and it helps. Problem is, my family is kind of dysfunctional and dealing with a lot, so I don't want to talk about this all the time and add to everyone's stress.

This is how I think too, children is sacrifice! Yet, he tells me, nobody lives like that, let's get someone to sit and watch. I am uncomfortable bringing a stranger over to our house from some ad.. My husband got completely nuts the other day, arguing with me that my son should eat some quick meal from the store vs. homemade. I just about exploded. This is what I've been doing all this time, making him homemade yummy food and this is why he's so smart and healthy today! He wants me to not make any comment to the child. For example, my child playing outside and licks something nasty - don't say it. I am too tense. Well, sorry hubby, but I am not a parent who will let their kid eat anything they find, like poop, and not say anything! I feel everything about me just pisses him off. Used to not. Something is totally going on, question is, how the heck you bust him. I have caught someone else before, but it was a totally different situation, not my relationship and it was very straight forward. Here he is very careful, hides all of his browsing data, etc, so I can't just get him. I see a lot of Facebook log ons and other social media, but I don't know what he's doing on there.

 

Another thing, he's actually a pretty good father. He spends time and acts nice with his son, it's after hours, when he has his "melt downs" and says that we're a job. This is all new, in the past 1.5-2 years now. The first year was very hard and must have wiped him out as our child would not sleep well at all and husband had to work as well. The funny thing, I used to support him back in the day. Now I even get statements like you never liked your job anyway back then and just complained. Well, maybe. But so what? Lots of people complain. Now I am smarter, but in my early twenties, I didn't have the experience.

 

I so want this to either end or something.. It's just so weird. He comes home, you don't know how to act. He acts all cheerful as if nothing happened. And if I am not that way, again, it's that damn wife that is always miserable! He's cussed me out before, and I tell you, it's not something you just blow right over and smile the next day. It's all about him. He's the money maker, he's tired. And I completely agree, how immature! This is a great way to put it! I talk to him calmly, but he just gets aggressive and then obviously I get upset or also start getting aggressive.

I have so many problems right now, he's just so distracting from the daily operations of the household. I am just forever grateful to have my child and try (try!) to focus on the positive.

Again, thank you for your feedback..

[Mr. Lucky]

Another thing, he's actually a pretty good father. He spends time and acts nice with his son

 

Marital issues aside, why would you want to take your child to another country and have him grow up without a father? Do you think that's in your son's best interest?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redhead14]

Hello, everybody!

I am in need of some advice, please.. It's kind of a long story, I will try to be brief and to the point.

So my husband has changed. We've been married almost 10 years. He used to be sweet and kind, very affectionate; he did so much for me. The past 1.5 years though have been horrible. He is not the same person. He is no longer affectionate, he doesn't want sex and I pretty much get that he doesn't love me anymore. He did get a real stressful job around that time, so maybe now I am seeing what he's made of and that he can't handle it, but regardless.. Things are not improving. He's generally irritable and verbally abusive. I have been trying to fix the relationship and I know I am not perfect, but maybe things have gone a little too far to be fixed. How do we know when it's time to call it quits?

The real hard thing, we have a young child. I want custody of the child. Also, I am from Europe and I want to return to where my family is and bring my son with. I don't know the laws or regulations on this. I am afraid he'll be hindering me in any possible way. Does anyone know the law on this?

 

Some of the things he now does.. He now curses me out periodically, esp. if I bother to bring up this subject of reconciling our marriage. If it's after 10 pm, I better not even start anything since he's too tired. Of course, too tired for sex too. He brings up really old stories to show how he's been dissatisfied with the marriage (like 5 years ago type) while back then he didn't say he was unhappy.. He says he needs the outside world to feel alive and that he hates coming home most days as there are problems here. Of course there are though, as we're dealing with a young child! He is too tired. Also, his behavior has been just flat out strange. He is very secretive, like on the Internet.. He's gone out and made weird purchases in stores even and didn't ask me first. I bring it up, he goes all aggressive on me, how dare I ask him! He even took money out of the bank because he could, because he earned it, and who knows where it went. I have suspected an affair. I mean, we were gone visiting people and he wouldn't even send me emails during that time, and if he did, they were short and the "Love, xxx" was there half of the time, if that! No clue what he could possibly be doing at home, what could keep someone so busy to send a quick loving email to the person they married! I have been on him, trying to bust him cheating, but no luck. At the same time, he works with mostly men and the few women there for the lack of a better word, are kind of ugly, married, and with kids. As for me, I am an attractive woman and I catch the eyes of men when I go places. Feels good, makes me feel alive! At home I am like a piece of furniture to him. And he always turns it on me, like it's my fault.. On another note, potentially we made a mistake to even marry. We rushed, and were just 20. However, we worked great until the past 2 years or so..

 

So here we go, I wrote a novel.. Basically, the question is simple. When do you call it quits; and if anyone knows how it works with moving to a different country after divorce/separation. Thank you!

 

You all it quits when you've made your concerns and needs known and the other person doesn't make the attempt to address them and you're feeling unloved. When you lose the ability to communicate effectively, you need to move on for the sake of your child and yourself.

 

I don't know about moving to another country, but I'd at least consult a lawyer to find out options and plan a course of action.

[casey.lives]

Being distant is no reason for divorce. I, for one, dislike clinging and life suffocating attention. It's my nature. Unless it's a baby, I don't want to carry around the weight of a fully grown person. If one party insists on total dependence.. I would feel coerced. Sounds like you need to lay off and give each other a break. And later start talking.

[princesslady]

Some interesting thoughts here. Thank you all!

 

Why would I take my son away? Hmm, because I am afraid if I stay, he will try to get custody. I love my son too much to not be with him. Second, all of my family is abroad and I want my son to be able to be with them as well. He likes it over there a lot and it's been very beneficial for him to travel there.

It would really suck to be here all by myself and have to deal with my ex-husband and his annoying family when it's just me. They are very demanding and will try to get their ways all the time. His mother just hates me period, she has stated numerously that if I am married into their family now and must do as they do.

 

As for the clingliness. I don't consider myself super clingy. I mean, I just want to be loved! If saying "I love you" is being clingy, then I guess I am. I am perfectly fine with space, but we live like roommates. He has nothing left for me. I am the only one initiating talks.

 

Whoever made that comment of taking a break, you're right. We're actually doing that. We'll spend some time away and maybe, just maybe, he'll be willing to talk.

 

Also, about date nights. I guess I was a little incorrect. We don't do date nights perhaps, but we do go on trips at least 2-3 times/year. My son does great on them, but my husband has the same "I don't care, get me out of here" face, even when it's the most romantic place ever. That to me was very strange.

[KBarletta]

Why would I take my son away? Hmm, because I am afraid if I stay, he will try to get custody. I love my son too much to not be with him. Second, all of my family is abroad and I want my son to be able to be with them as well. He likes it over there a lot and it's been very beneficial for him to travel there.

It would really suck to be here all by myself and have to deal with my ex-husband and his annoying family when it's just me. They are very demanding and will try to get their ways all the time. His mother just hates me period, she has stated numerously that if I am married into their family now and must do as they do.

 

I feel for you, princesslady, as I have been on both sides of this situation. My wife grew very distant over time to the point where we became almost roommates. It wasn't long after that she decided to leave.

 

She also has threatened to take our daughter and move abroad, where she has some family. (Mind you, most of her family lives nearby our current home). I personally think such a move would be terrible for our daughter and would attempt to stop my wife from taking her if I could.

 

I know your situation is somewhat different, but if you are planning to take your child to another country permanently, I would contact an attorney and prepare yourself for a pretty big fight. If your husband is anything like me, he will do anything he can to stop you and keep the child nearby. Not trying to upset you - just being honest.

[Lion Heart]

Hi princesslady,

 

I'm sorry you're here but IMHO you came to the right place for advice about some of your M issues. Something seems remiss about certain things you mentioned, so your thread could've been posted in the infidelity section, there'd be advice there about how to find out if your H is having an A.

 

I'm with you and the others who talk about not having strangers or people you trust minding our children. Same here. This was discussed at length BEFORE we had chn too but it seems all our Hs got on the tracks of "resentment" and stayed there. Then anything we did just added to their resentment. It's HORRIBLE I know. I've been there. After arguing with my H that I needed to go to work (NB not wanted to, NEEDED to) but my H would not ever agree. We'd been on the verge of losing our house for years but he still didn't get it. I pulled the plug and went anyway (pressure from Govt to get off welfare). Within 1 year I'd earnt almost $100k more. We ate better. We had more fun. We had holidays. I was paying for renovations on our house H had wanted to do for years too. Was he "happy"? F*** no. Then after 2.5y of me working he had an A. My point is, once someone is on the trail of resentment, they don't easily get off.

 

I don't know if MC / IC would help get a person off this track. It's taken an A and my knowledge of it to expose all this (I had no idea he resented me) and 5 months after my D Day, I've had to kick him out. Yes he's had lots of IC and all sorts of personality disorders have come to light. MC resulted in the conclusion that there was no hope for our M. "H had put the final nail in the coffin" as she said.

Things may be similar to your situation as in my H "thought" he could get away with anything in our M because I was stuck. My previous M also ended after infidelity. I upped and left. I know why this WH thought I'd stay but he was very wrong indeed. He knows that now. Knowing my rights was empowering.

 

This may sound like I'm jumping the gun about your M but it appears you need an exit plan. I don't know how you'd get your son out of the country (esp if he was born there) legally. You'd have to get advice.

 

An exit plan would include a well paying job, getting qualifications if you haven't already, and seeking employment for when child is at school.

 

An A exposure may change the direction of your M sharply. It could blow it up altogether quite quickly (ie H having an exit A) or it could lead to C which may after all end in D anyway.

 

If you want to try to save your M, do everything you can. Tell him you're trying but if he's having an A at the same time, it's a fruitless pursuit.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[RenJen]

Please don't apologize! After sleeping 2-3 hours last night, trust me, I was delighted to see your post in the morning! Thank you!

May I ask you a question? How did you find out he was cheating? I know when the obvious signs are there, it's fairly easy, but in this case, I just can't get him. Unless the lady likes visits at 6 am, lol, I don't see how he would fit it in his schedule.. Or I suppose maybe his lunches are not always what they seem. It's hard to follow him around with a young child who needs to eat/sleep kind of during that lunch time.

I do talk over Skype and it helps. Problem is, my family is kind of dysfunctional and dealing with a lot, so I don't want to talk about this all the time and add to everyone's stress.

This is how I think too, children is sacrifice! Yet, he tells me, nobody lives like that, let's get someone to sit and watch. I am uncomfortable bringing a stranger over to our house from some ad.. My husband got completely nuts the other day, arguing with me that my son should eat some quick meal from the store vs. homemade. I just about exploded. This is what I've been doing all this time, making him homemade yummy food and this is why he's so smart and healthy today! He wants me to not make any comment to the child. For example, my child playing outside and licks something nasty - don't say it. I am too tense. Well, sorry hubby, but I am not a parent who will let their kid eat anything they find, like poop, and not say anything! I feel everything about me just pisses him off. Used to not. Something is totally going on, question is, how the heck you bust him. I have caught someone else before, but it was a totally different situation, not my relationship and it was very straight forward. Here he is very careful, hides all of his browsing data, etc, so I can't just get him. I see a lot of Facebook log ons and other social media, but I don't know what he's doing on there.

 

Another thing, he's actually a pretty good father. He spends time and acts nice with his son, it's after hours, when he has his "melt downs" and says that we're a job. This is all new, in the past 1.5-2 years now. The first year was very hard and must have wiped him out as our child would not sleep well at all and husband had to work as well. The funny thing, I used to support him back in the day. Now I even get statements like you never liked your job anyway back then and just complained. Well, maybe. But so what? Lots of people complain. Now I am smarter, but in my early twenties, I didn't have the experience.

 

I so want this to either end or something.. It's just so weird. He comes home, you don't know how to act. He acts all cheerful as if nothing happened. And if I am not that way, again, it's that damn wife that is always miserable! He's cussed me out before, and I tell you, it's not something you just blow right over and smile the next day. It's all about him. He's the money maker, he's tired. And I completely agree, how immature! This is a great way to put it! I talk to him calmly, but he just gets aggressive and then obviously I get upset or also start getting aggressive.

I have so many problems right now, he's just so distracting from the daily operations of the household. I am just forever grateful to have my child and try (try!) to focus on the positive.

Again, thank you for your feedback..

I was suspicious about an affair for a while. He got distant, would come home later, not tell me if his plans were changing, etc. Mind you, my husband is a creature of habit and his schedule and habits have been constant, day in and day out, for 10 years. Then it changed all of the sudden. I found Christmas cards on his desk that weren't from me saying things like "You have my heart" and "I love you". I confronted him and he confirmed it.

 

If you want more advice on that, check out the infidelity section, as others have posted. A lot of insight over there.

 

Dysfunctional families are hard, mine is too, but they too have good days and bad days, talk to them on the good days if you want. They're your family and if they love you, they'll certainly be there for you.

 

I've never hired a sitter for my children. For our youngest, I'd pay my older daughter to it when she was free and I needed it. I think it's a personal choice. If you're not comfortable, don't do it. There ARE ways it can be done. Plenty of teenagers in the neighborhood will do it for a few hours and there are websites around to help you find legitimate and trustworthy people. But like I said, that's a personal choice, and I understand your reasoning completely.

 

I don't want you to drive yourself crazy with suspicion either. At times, I hit a low and stalked my husband to see what he was up to but I didn't catch him that way. He left Christmas cards out from the other woman that did him. Basically, he slipped up.

 

I'm glad your husband is a good father! However, as others have sort of said, taking your child out of the country permanently is a REALLY big choice so before you make any decisions set in stone, seek some kind of legal council. Learn your rights and his rights, and make sure you really, really want to take that path. As others have said, you'll be in for a long fight, but that is totally your call to make.

 

Either way, he is certainly not treating you right. It sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive to me. And if you're not happy, then take those steps necessary. Yeah, my eldest daughter in her early 20s is dealing with her ex who throws fits whenever she brings something up to him calmly. Some people just don't grow up.

 

Keep your chin up and move forward however you decide to. Fact of the matter is, something has got to give. It can't keep going on as is.

[tobrieornottobrie]

It sounds like you both have a lot going on. If I'm understanding correctly, he has a stressful high-pressure job, and you have moved to a different country away from your support system as you are being a home maker and taking care of your son? When my husband and I moved away from my family it really took a toll on our relationship, it was a very difficult time in our marriage. Would you and your husband be open to the idea of marital counseling/therapy? Sometimes it's just really helpful to have an unbiased professional to talk to. Wishing you the best!

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[princesslady]

Thank you for all of your responses! You guys have been so great and super helpful! It was very encouraging to read everyone's input.

 

Yes, there is a lot of stress, for sure. I miss family tremendously and it is hard not having a close relative around who could help out with babysitting. I guess we could hire someone, but it's just not the same, trust wise and everything. We have a lot going on. He not only has the stressful job, but he is also taking some classes. School is not easy for him, he spends his time on it to do it right. I am a home maker, I work part-time but it's more like a hobby. I am definitely starting to hunt for a FT job to become independent.

 

He used to want to move to Europe, now I am not so sure. I mean, he was always very eager, now he slips things like "It doesn't really make sense, money wise, we'll do better here", etc. He has really changed since he got the job. It's not naturally a good fit for him, but what can I do, he doesn't want to quit it, at least not in the near future.

 

So it's the usual. He is too tired; love and romance are the least on his mind. Best case scenario, I will get a "good night". We never had the talk about what to do with this all. I am not sure he is even ready. I think he is just done, he doesn't love me anymore, all this stress did him no good.. I mean, I am sure he will do alright once all this schooling is done, but I am not sure I can stay long enough to find out. It's just too much. There's no relationship here.

 

As far as therapy goes, would you guys advise how much it can cost? I have not received any therapy, so I don't even know where to start. I am not sure it will work as we will just have to spill to some lady who watches the clock? We don't have a lot of money to throw around, so I am worried we just can't afford it..

 

I will check out the infidelity forum as well. Sounds like some good info there.

[Popsicle]

Hello, everybody!

I am in need of some advice, please.. It's kind of a long story, I will try to be brief and to the point.

So my husband has changed. We've been married almost 10 years. He used to be sweet and kind, very affectionate; he did so much for me. The past 1.5 years though have been horrible. He is not the same person. He is no longer affectionate, he doesn't want sex and I pretty much get that he doesn't love me anymore. He did get a real stressful job around that time, so maybe now I am seeing what he's made of and that he can't handle it, but regardless.. Things are not improving. He's generally irritable and verbally abusive. I have been trying to fix the relationship and I know I am not perfect, but maybe things have gone a little too far to be fixed. How do we know when it's time to call it quits?

The real hard thing, we have a young child. I want custody of the child. Also, I am from Europe and I want to return to where my family is and bring my son with. I don't know the laws or regulations on this. I am afraid he'll be hindering me in any possible way. Does anyone know the law on this?

 

Some of the things he now does.. He now curses me out periodically, esp. if I bother to bring up this subject of reconciling our marriage. If it's after 10 pm, I better not even start anything since he's too tired. Of course, too tired for sex too. He brings up really old stories to show how he's been dissatisfied with the marriage (like 5 years ago type) while back then he didn't say he was unhappy.. He says he needs the outside world to feel alive and that he hates coming home most days as there are problems here. Of course there are though, as we're dealing with a young child! He is too tired. Also, his behavior has been just flat out strange. He is very secretive, like on the Internet.. He's gone out and made weird purchases in stores even and didn't ask me first. I bring it up, he goes all aggressive on me, how dare I ask him! He even took money out of the bank because he could, because he earned it, and who knows where it went. I have suspected an affair. I mean, we were gone visiting people and he wouldn't even send me emails during that time, and if he did, they were short and the "Love, xxx" was there half of the time, if that! No clue what he could possibly be doing at home, what could keep someone so busy to send a quick loving email to the person they married! I have been on him, trying to bust him cheating, but no luck. At the same time, he works with mostly men and the few women there for the lack of a better word, are kind of ugly, married, and with kids. As for me, I am an attractive woman and I catch the eyes of men when I go places. Feels good, makes me feel alive! At home I am like a piece of furniture to him. And he always turns it on me, like it's my fault.. On another note, potentially we made a mistake to even marry. We rushed, and were just 20. However, we worked great until the past 2 years or so..

 

So here we go, I wrote a novel.. Basically, the question is simple. When do you call it quits; and if anyone knows how it works with moving to a different country after divorce/separation. Thank you!

 

This baffles me. You say you are attractive so I don't understand why he would have an A on you. My xMM has an attractive wife and she seems like a good person, so I really don't get it....

[Mrin]

Ummm... Not to state the obvious but MC/IC is INFINITELY cheaper than a divorce. But honestly - if cost is you chief objection to to getting help to save your marriage then I guess that tells you where your heart and mind is on this marriage.

 

One other thing - it sounds like you live in the U.S. So you know - most if not all states default to joint custody. Removal from their city of residence (much less country) requires consent of both parents or a lengthy legal battle. So if you want primary or full custody you will either need to convince him to say yes or Find a reason for a judge to say otherwise. An affair won't cut it as that doesn't speak to his ability to be a parent.

 

EDIT: just to be clear here, I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Your marriage right now sounds downright toxic.

Edited May 9, 2015 by Mrin

[Mr. Lucky]

One other thing - it sounds like you live in the U.S. So you know - most if not all states default to joint custody. Removal from their city of residence (much less country) requires consent of both parents or a lengthy legal battle. So if you want primary or full custody you will either need to convince him to say yes or Find a reason for a judge to say otherwise. An affair won't cut it as that doesn't speak to his ability to be a parent.

.

 

Those requirements obviously there for the benefit of the child.

 

Concerning when either parent says they're going to cut and run with a child post divorce. Together or split, doesn't change the need for both parent's involvement in their kid's life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Can you suggest couples counselling with him. That's if you want the marriage to work.

His family don't sound great and in your position, I understand you wanting to leave.

 

Custody can work in different countries, but with such a young child, it could affect their bonding with the parent who they don't live with.

 

I think he's having an affair. You probably married too young, but you shouldn't tolerate the verbal abuse and your sexual needs not being met.

 

If he won't discuss it with you, then email it to him. That way you get your feelings out, with no argument or interruption.

 

It's nothing new for a man /woman to have an affair when their spouse is attractive.

 

The marriage is unhealthy and your child shouldn't grow up with this.

 

Do you work?

Could you seperate in the USA if that's where you are now?

 

Quite often most other countries have a community in the USA, you can make friends with them to make things better, but just typing this, I also see you could easily get into an affair this way too.

 

Bottom line - you have to talk to your husband. Marriage isn't supposed to be this miserable. If it is, that's why there is divorce.

[tobrieornottobrie]

princesslady - Do you have insurance coverage? I would suggest contacting your insurance company, if you do... Sometimes counseling is covered through insurance, so that's something to consider. Stress can and will take a toll on a marriage, plus you have the dynamic of moving away from your family... All of that is difficult and inevitably will affect a marriage. It kind of sounds like you haven't really talked to your husband about all this? Is that the case? If you haven't, maybe you could have a sit-down heart-to-heart with him about what you're feeling, which will also give him the chance to tell you how he's feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Dlucio1]

Princesslady I'm the the same situation as you. Caught my husband of 20 yrs in a EA with his 1st gf and she's in another country. He has a extremely stressful job too, he's always tired and has once punished me withholding sex for 8 mos, cursing me, accusing me of sleeping with someone, and emotional abuse and emotional neglect. EA is the worst. Our husbands gave their heart to someone they knew from the past. I found out 3 yrs ago and still struggling with it. He has shown no remorse at all and now we r both in a worst situation now, no love, no affection, etc. I am so lonely. Right now he's out doing the yard all day on weekends only time we could have time together,to avoid being with me in doors and I clean all day inside. We don't go out, no dates, he's nvr bought me anything except our home together. How can one go on when u read words ur spouse says to another woman like "I've loved u for 28yrs" (I've bn married with him for 20) and "I regret marrying a different nationality" "my wife is evil and I rather b with u" "will b together someday when my dtr is older" and has sent money to her. We have separated finances since then and is angry he can't control me and my money anymore. Constantly telling me I don't help him financially when I do. I give half. There r signs that we should of listened to. When ur spouse all of a sudden starts treating u mean, anger, blaming, and distant. That should give us a clue. I'm stupid for staying. Why do a lot of women forgive so much? My kids r in school and if I leave my husband will acuse me of abandoning the family and will fight for the house. He does not want to be blamed for anything especially destroying our home. Anyway, I don't have an answer for us but I ain't crying over him anymore. An I'm showing him I am happy and don't need him. I really can't understand if one loves someone else, why don't u just open up and tell ur spouse. It will save so much heartache and precious time that some of us women over 50 don't have. I pray for u Princesslady.

[SycamoreCircle]

There's a lot of convolution going on here. What you describe of him sounds very stubborn and impenetrable, but there are things about you that sound equally as obtuse.

 

Firstly, he communicated to you that he'd like to date you(which is a necessary element to all marriages, you have to keep things fresh), yet you won't budge by allowing a third party to come in? Why such obstinacy? What are you worried about? Find a young, teenager who has some sitting experience. Check her credentials. Meet her family. Make an effort! What's three hours on a Friday night?!

 

Secondly, you seem thoroughly convinced that he's cheating on you, yet you don't have a shred of evidence. Don't you think some of that conviction drains into your day-to-day interactions? Maybe he is cheating on you. Or maybe he's just a stressed, depressed, emotionally immature guy that is having trouble balancing marriage, a child and a demanding job.

 

Thirdly, it doesn't sound like you're capable(for whatever reason) of communicating your problems to friends or family. Would it be fair to assume that you have trouble addressing your feelings with your husband, too? If I'm wrong, excuse me.

 

Fourth, you need to dismiss this ridiculous notion that a divorce will result in him gaining sole custody of the child. You should have thought about having a child with a man in a foreign country, if your inclination is now to return to your homeland. You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. That's sheer nonsense.

 

Honestly, my heartfelt sympathies go out to your child. It sounds like both you and your husband are being selfish, self-absorbed, immature children. I feel for you. I know what it's like to be with someone who is closed off. But you need to own your part of this.

[Yasuandio]

Here are my recommendations:

 

1. You need to do the "date nights" per your husband's request. To not co-operate with this idea is to deny exactly what you are desiring, in my estimation (at least, that is how it appears). And, it is possible, "just possible," that your husband resents this rejection.

 

2. I agree he has something on the side. Classic signs are there. But these things, in my opinion and experience, do not occur in a vacuum. It takes two to make the marriage fulfilling, and I would ask you to look unto yourself at your possible contribution to this potentiality. That is not to say, that his "possible" extra-marital conduct is excusable - far from it. But please, also examine how you may be contributing - to cover all bases. Such reflection might help you save your marriage.

 

3. That said, I would "get nice" real fast, and start making the idea of moving to Europe with your entire family an attractive proposition, and hopefully, eventually, reality. Then, once established in that location, take it from there, if divorce is the direction you must go. Otherwise, as previous posters have stated, you can kiss Europe good-by (at least, a life there with your son, absent his dad). Not going happen. That is a reasonable conclusion. Reverse the situation, and you can certainly comprehend this. Your husband was at a point interested in living in Europe - so go for it - make it happen.

 

4. You are a woman, down deep, you know what to do. Turn everything around, and get with the program. Try to stop seeing all the negative. Try to see positive. Back off with the complaints and dissatisfaction at the present time - and think long term - that is the smarter approach. These complaints will look petty once you are fighting custody in a US Divorce Court - I promise you. I am not a parent - but even childless, I know for sure, the Divorce Court ain't pretty.

 

5. Wanna find out what he is up to? Get some Voice activated Recorders and rig them up, covertly. One under the seat of his car, and another or two in the house where he talks on the phone.

 

Next, get a background key-logger installed on the computer. And better still, hire a forensic computer expert to download everything that has been done thus far on the computer - as it is your property also. You must be very cagey - and not get caught. Once caught - he will really cover his tracks in the future. Furthermore, nowadays, certain privacy laws are being written for this very type of invasion of privacy.

 

Do not talk about this to anyone. It is only for your own sanity that these types of surveillance need to be done. The alternative is years of doubt and false hope. Knowing the facts for a FACT, I believe, (although it will be a painful prospect should you discover something untoward), will be hideously painful. But, ultimately, the healing can begin when you have a painful truth - if it is indeed there.

 

Even when there is "some evidence," a cheater is very good at denying, re-writing history, and gas-lighting. Sometimes we don't want to believe it, that doesn't help either. Better some facts than nothing.

 

Don't get caught.

 

Yas

[princesslady]

Thank you for the advice, especially to the last poster. I appreciate the help. As far as those who were quick to judge - you just don't get it. I know, everyone is entitled to their opinion and it's fine, but no need to make your assumptions and go with it. Have we tried to talk? Oh yes, all the time. It is always initiated by me. Usually once our son goes to bed, "dear husband" just focuses on his tasks and then comes up to say goodnight, without the "I love you" half the time. This is it, that's our interaction! I work part-time and of course take care of the kid, and my husband just doesn't really participate in my life. He'll ask a question here and there, mostly related to how his son's day was, but he doesn't want to spend time, like even play some dumb card game or something. I try to talk in the evening, which is the only time he seems to be available. By then he's too tired, so the saga goes on.

Why no dates? Well, we have gone on numerous trips many young couples with kids wouldn't dare so early on. We had lots of opportunities to spend quality time. He just doesn't participate, sits with a stoned look on his face. Sure, I'd love to have a relative close by to watch our son, but that's not how things are. I suppose I could hire some kid from a newspaper, but who knows what they'd do in my house. With a child who can barely speak, this is all about comfort level for me. Maybe next year I'd open up to that as my son gets a little older.

Could there be an affair? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I do know he buys weird stuff with our joint credit card, and when I ask him what those charges are, he gets pissed off. I just see them as dollar amounts, not what they are, on our statements.

Why move to a different country? Because it's so damn hard to live away from your family and then be stuck hardly seeing them again because of this custody. I would never prohibit my husband from visiting, as much as he wants to.

Actually, the child doesn't suffer from our marriage issues. We can turn on the happy faces around him. It's just between us there's nothing left. I want to have a loving marriage, but maybe it's just not here. I get it, he's busy and all, but lots of men are. But not everyone comes and spaces out until the night comes. I told him, switch jobs. We'll manage. He doesn't seem to really want to, at least not soon.

Oh, and please, as if husbands married to attractive women don't have affairs. Look at Tiger Woods Let's not be naive here. I am totally fine if he wants to go a different way, I just want to know. I am tired of being the only one after him to fix stuff. We'll be taking some time away from one another here, maybe it will help, but I wouldn't bet on it.

[No Limit]

I urge you to take whatever steps you consider necessary to divorce. No marriage is worth being abused by a cheating prick. And he does have someone on the side, I promise you that. If you want to find out, just go on hard confrontation mode and see how he reacts. Of course you may not do that until you have your move-away-plans ready, else your home situation will be worse off.

[princesslady]

So I moved away for a few months to clear my head. Result: recently found out that he's texting another chick. No idea about what. I am devastated. He's never done anything like that, he was never interested in other women. I am terrified to find out what they are texting about. I have asked him indirectly, he denies everything and tells me that I am this and that, since I don't trust him. I am not sure I should come back to this life.