Feeling light & heavy at the same time...

[MightyQuinn]

Hubby cheated on me, he doesn't know that I know it, or that I'm going to divorce him. Full backstory here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/504602-last-straw-i-m-giving-up

 

I didn't react to discovering the news as I had expected I would. This is something I've thought about over the years, "What would I do if I ever caught him cheating?" I thought I would fall apart and cry constantly. I knew that if I found out, I would probably never be able to forgive him, but I loved him with all my heart and thought I would at least have more mixed feelings about whether to reconcile or move on.

 

The moment I discovered his infidelity, my stomach didn't leap up into my throat. I didn't even cry! In fact, in the 2 weeks since I found out, I've only cried 3-4 times. Within 5 minutes of scrolling through his sexy messages with his OW, I had already determined I would move out and divorce him. I'm a little sad, but I'm a lot angry. A lot angry, like scary, quiet, plotting angry. Angry at him, and angry that I have to change all of my future plans, from buying a house with hubby, to getting my own apartment without him. Trying to divide our debts and assets and being concerned that he's going to try to screw me in the divorce. That's the heaviness....

 

As for the lightness.... I feel like how Sisyphus would feel if the boulder he was pushing up the mountain suddenly crumbled into dust. No more need to work on our relationship if I can't trust him, no more need to work on making our relationship better, no more risk of repeating the arguments we've had, no more need to think about his needs before mine, no more need to really think much of his needs at all. This 200 pound boulder is no longer my responsibility, I can walk away from it. And that feels great - I never thought it would.

 

There's also two lives playing in my head. The one that is my reality, where I know that he is lying and cheating (but he has no clue I know), so everything that he says that is loving towards me makes me want to puke. Every time he leaves the house or is out of the room, I think he is screwing around or sending naked pics to his OW. The other one is the ignorant bliss that I had before - how would I react and what would I be doing right now if I was still clueless to his infidelities? Of course, I'd be eating up every "I love you" and "You're beautiful" and "Hey, my sexy wife is home." And it makes me mad that for months, possibly even years, he's been a seemingly loving and attentive husband, all the while carrying on an affair with his troll-faced co-worker and heaven knows who else.

 

I'd rather know and have to start my life over, than be blissfully ignorant and happy with a cheater.

 

I feel like if I can just get through sorting our stuff, packing up my crap and moving out, the rest will be so much easier. Sure, I'll be sad and lonely for a while. But I'm POSITIVE that I will find happiness within myself again, and then one day, I'll find a new kind of happiness with someone else.

[No Limit]

I think your anger phase will continue a little when you confront your husband and he starts blameshifting, gas lighting, denying and whatever else the cheater textbook tells him.

 

 

But yeah, removing someone like that from your life is really like being freed from a burden. You're finally free to live life without deception and more lies.

 

 

But the time until you finally get seperated can get pretty annoying. Luckily though you two don't have children together (right?) so you can spare yourself the time to come to blows in court. You serve papers, you move out and just wait for it to be finalized.

 

 

Do you have a plan when you want to tell him?

[Yasuandio]

MQ, I just reviewed your total posts, which began in 2009, shortly after my "Dump and Dive." Have you looked back at. Your first post on LS? It is so enlightening. So telling.

 

Make sure you go through with it. As No Limit points out, he will really pour it on, and it will be the CHARM BS screen play of his life time. He may even give up thd cigs!

 

Don't give in, young lady. You will find yourself, in the same place, 10 years from now. 20 years from now.

 

Ag the peak of my career as a Researcn Professor, I had him finally out of the house, out of hair. I was your age. Once he got back in, nothing but downhill from there. My career eventially trashed, and I am completely disabled with this effing illness I already told you about.

 

The ddaybomb was about the time of your post, for me, December 2008, once returned from summer vacation in Greece. 4 year divorce, (over $200,000 my side alone in legal fees, business valuations, forensic medical testimony) ended in 3 day trial, divorce decree, September 2012.

 

Why or why, did I allow him back into my life in 1995 when clearly I knew I was much better off with cancer removed? This was the gravest error I have ever made, that ruined just about everything I had going for me, which was rich indeed, of my own talent - no need of him.

 

DO NOT BACK DOWN.

 

Go back and read 2009. You only wasted 5 years on the dummy. You have a huge lifetime and career ahead of you. My moto for you, from the lyrics of one greatest rock and roll band, THE WHO, "Won't get fooled again."

 

YOU CAN DO THIS. We are supporting you 100%. Get your Post #'s up, and the love, admiration, support, offers of chat and assistance - both sister and brotherhood, and even offers of support funds may probably come rolling in on your LS Private Messaging, Ms. Rock Star! Bravo, Bravo! Yas

 

Here we go again!

[rat1687]

Mighty,

 

I can definitely relate to you feeling both light and heavy at the came time. I just filed for divorce yesterday. I am sad it had to come to this, but also happy and so excited about the future. Just know that you are not alone in your emotions. BETTER DAYS AHEAD !!!!

[MightyQuinn]

It's been more than five years. We started dating on and off in 2001, ended up living together in 2003. Things were good for a long time, then those posts from 2009, we had grown apart. The reason why there was a HUGE gap in between those 2009 posts and these 2014 posts, was because he realized what he was about to lose and started making an effort. Working on our relationship, we turned it around. Turned it around so much we got married.

 

That's why it came as such a shock. I literally had no reason to suspect he was cheating and had no evidence for this or reason to snoop until the last few months he's been saying/doing weird things. We have (had) date night 2 times a week, lots of sex, lots of activities we did together. We had our problems and our arguments like every couple, but nothing I didn't think we couldn't handle.

 

Until this. Evidence seems to point to the fact that something has been going on with WH and the OW for two years. OF COURSE I had no reason to suspect, work was the only place he wasn't really accounted for and I thought he was smarter than to dip his pen in company ink. He was always home when I got home and never really had any evenings that were unaccounted for. If he could do this and be so sneaky and hide it so well (until his recent cracks started to show), heaven knows if this is the first time he's done this, or if he was going this the whole time we were together.

 

Of all the things I asked of him, keeping his wick in his pants honestly seemed like the easiest of tasks. You leave the house with pants or shorts on, it's really not that hard to keep them on. If he couldn't do that, there is literally no hope for him or our relationship.

 

I'm going to be so much happier without him and I think my career/financial situation is going to rocket. His is going to come to screeching halt - he can't afford to take over all the bills for this place, he will need to get a roommate or maybe even 2.

 

If he can't find people to live with him, he will have to move back into his mother's house. My poor MIL is going to have two worthless sons back living in her basement. At least her awesome daughter is training in the air force, she has one child who isn't a disappointment.

 

Well, he's' not my responsibility anymore, I wash my hands of this fool.

 

Sorry for those who wasted more time on their fools, though almost 14 years was wasted on this guy - I've realized one thing in the last two weeks is that the rose colored glasses of love can really affect how you see things. Once the glasses come off and you realize how ugly the situation is, it's hard to believe you didn't see it before.

 

Thanks again for the encouragement

 

rat1687, good luck to you! Better days are ahead - for both of us

[GirlStillStrong]

Although it shouldn't, it still amazes me how dishonest people are. I don't know when I will come to accept the truth about people; I think reality is just worse than what I have yet to be able to admit. I am sorry the person you married is such a pr**k.