MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 We are separating as soon as I can make some living arrangements. We want to tell the kids this weekend - age 7 & 9. I have read up on the subject but was wondering if anyone here can give me some insights as to what to expect, and/or how did your children react? Link to post Share on other sites
jade_nc Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 my children weren't really old enough to understand at the time. but they are the same age as yours now, and still talk about it occasionally. the best advice i can give - answer their questions, but ONLY answer their questions. be as short and to the point in your answers as possible. if they want more explaination, they will ask. over indulging them with explaination will only confuse them. make sure that after you've told them that you ask if they have any questions for you or your spouse. it's very important to be specific about that, that way you aren't speaking as to how the other feels. one of the biggest concerns they will have is how this is going to impact their daily life. be prepared to answer things like: can i still go to the same school? can i still go to over-nights with my friends? do i have to quit soccer (or whatever else they are involved in)? why don't you love each other anymore? when will we see which ever spouse is leaving again? is the leaving spouse still coming to my party? just remember to make sure they know how much you love them. hope this helps a bit. need to add - make sure that you have something to write things down with. write down any questions that you can't yet answer - discuss them with your TBX in private, and get back to them. make sure they know when they can expect an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
brandx Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I would love to tell you something that is pertinent to your kids, but it varies so much. But I will tell you that I think it is good to tell them a week or two prior to move out. I think it helps not be so shocking for them and allows them to talk with you about it. I have a near 7 year old daughter and 11 and 15 step son and step daughter respectively. The older two did not live with us. 7 year old has been great; she was more excited about new room and new pets. 11 was real reserved, but seems to have been fine. 15 year old still won't talk to me and it has been a month. We told all 3 of them seperately due to circumstances, but I would recommend you tell them together. Keep reinforcing that it is not about them. I don't know how amicable your relationship is going to be with STBX. My ex and I are very amicable even though she did not want this. We made it clear that we are all still family, just a different kind of family. We laid out how things would not be changing drastically for them, just some of the changes in who was where at what time. But birthdays, christmas, etc. will be celebrated together, all of us. It is harder on the adults that way, but too bad, I figure. The kids matter more than my personal preferences. I hope that helps. Good Luck. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, having to tell my daughter. I built it up so much in my mind that she would be crushed and she was totally fine. Make sure you list out your points of conversation with your STBX and go over them several times. Just so that you are not totally doing it from the hip. It will be emotional enough, no need to have to decide what you are going to say on the fly. Take Care, BrandX Link to post Share on other sites
brandx Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 very good advice jade Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 mine were 8 & 10 when we told them. and they were emotional and scared. my ex, because i had asked for the divorce, insisted that i be the one to "take the fall." i felt secure enough with my relationship with my kids to not worry about them resenting me. i'm not sure it's really best to approach it with trying to make one person the "bad guy." i think that sets up too many potential problems in the short term. over time, i think as they get older you continue to have conversations with them periodically. mine are now 11 & 13. and they are beginning to see on their own, why i wanted a divorce from their father. a sad thing for them to have to deal with. mine were mostly concerned about logistics. where were we going to live, when was it going to happen, where would they be spending most of their time, worried about the pets, etc. reassurance that they are still loved is key. they will be scared and while there's little you can do to remove all of the fear. the more you can reassure them as brandx said, that you're still a family, just a different kind, will help them to adjust and accept. the first few days were tough and then ok for a while and then tough again when i moved out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 Thanks you for the valuable information. A co-worker just went through this and gave me a thick package that he obtained from recent mediation and it also has a lot of information. Now, I'm wondering if it's too soon to tell the kids. I don't have living arrangements yet - I want to buy a house but the market here sucks right now and I might not get possession for a few months. I could live in an apartment in the meantime, then the kids could get excited when it's time to move into the new house I suppose. I'm going out of town mid-Nov, so that might be a good time to move out just after. As for their reactions, my son is laid back and will likely be quiet, so STBX and I will have to work at getting him to tell us how he feels and we're not the best communicators. My daughter (7) will ask a million questions, so the advice you all gave is excellent for this. I don't want to wait any longer though because we have started telling family and a couple of close friends. Christmas is really going to suck this year as we planned to stay in a hotel in the in-laws town. As much as I would feel out of place at the in-laws, I can put my feelings aside for the kids. The split is going to be amicable and my son's best friend is in the same living arrangement split between parents, so we can tell them it will be just like his friend. I can see some disagreement though between STBX and I about how to tell them but we'll have to manage. thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
jade_nc Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 my son is the same way - he just doesn't know how to put into words how he feels. you might consider opening the door for him to talk to another adult (teacher, counselor at school, grandparent, etc) about how he feels if you find he's not opening up to you and SBTX. my X came over yesterday to tell the kids that he was moving 4 states away and wouldn't be seeing them much anymore. i was really worried that my son wouldn't handle it well as he's been having some behavioral problems recently - but his comment was "i'm sorry he's going, but i'm glad i don't have to go too". they can really shock you sometimes! chances are, they already sense that there are problems and can feel the tension. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 my son doesn't like to talk about things either and usually responds with an "i'm fine" or "nothing" but then he is 13 and i understand that this is somewhat typical of the age anyway. he didn't want to talk to anyone about the divorce and he's really done fine, no behavioral or academic problems at all and i've watched pretty carefully. i push him sometimes to talk about it, but i hate the way i get him to do that and have been trying to change things little by little. the only way to get him to talk is to get him angry so his defensives come crumbling down. so now i just need to get him to see that we don't need to get to that point, little by little. my daughter on the other hand is not shy about asking questions and will point out to me when i'm out of line of screw something up. but the things they say will surprise you. even though the emotions are hard for them, in many ways they are so much more concerned with the "logistics" of the separation. they do typically feel the tension and in some ways, for some, i would think that ultimately the separation is a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 be prepared to answer things like: why don't you love each other anymore? Or more usually, why does one of you not love the other anymore? How do you begin to explain this to a child? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 why does one of you not love the other anymore? How do you begin to explain this to a child? that is hard and i think in many ways almost impossible, especially with younger children. they can't be expected to understand that version of love. all they know is the love they feel for parents and perhaps other family members (and in my case, our pets!!). i tried telling them that people change and feelings change and people grow in different directions. and now, a few years later, i think they're actually beginning to understand that. how people's personalities and priorities can impact relationships. but they still really don't have a clue about that type of love. i know some recommend, and i think wisely, to not tell the kids that one parent doesn't love the other. in my case, because my son really didn't understand, his take on the whole thing was that if "mom stopped loving dad, then maybe she'll stop loving me." it took some reassurance that that wouldn't happen and he's secure with things now. but those are some of the side problems that can arise from the "i don't love him anymore" discussion. in spite of the tough questions and hurt feelings and confusion, we made it through it. and i think, all things considered, the kids made it through in one peice. it's a hard concept for kids to understand, regardless, and i think the support, love, and reassurance you give them through the process is key. Link to post Share on other sites
jade_nc Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 it's a difficult thing...especially if the children are young. with mine, i told them that it wasn't that i didn't love their dad anymore. that i did care about him, but i had a different kind of love for him then a wife and a husband should have. we talked about how they love their grandparents, and other family members vs. how they felt about their friends or teachers. we also talked about their classmates. about how they really liked playing with certain classmates, but not others. how sometimes people just don't get along and it's better to not interact with them then to fight all the time. we talked about how sometimes other people hurt our feelings, so we didn't like being around them. after that, i explained that these were some of the ways that their dad and i had been treating each other....and that it wasn't good for either of us, or for them. i can't say that was the best way to handle it - i'm no child psychology expert. all we can do as parents is answer their questions to the best of our ability, honestly and lovingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 This is all great information...thank you again. I spoke with STBX last night, and we are not going to tell the kids this weekend. All the documentation we have says to wait until a couple weeks before the actual separation because then they might worry and stew about it if it's longer than that (ie.a month or two). If it works out that I can't tell them in November, then I will wait until January. December is way too close to Christmas and I don't want them reliving the emotional stress every year at Christmastime. Ugh I need a place to live!!!! I asked STBX how he is feeling and coping with all this. He made it painfully obvious that it's not me he's going to miss, he said he gets emotional when he thinks of the kids, but that was all he said. And he has every right to feel that way from the way I've treated him, however. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 mom - don't beat yourself up about all of this. it really will all work out ok. we told the kids around this time of year (at my ex's insistance) i wanted to wait until i was moving out like you are, and i didn't move out until may. i moved into the guest room in the meantime, but was still in the house. it will be tough but both you and you STBX will be able to maintain as good, if not better relationship with the kids. they learn to play some games sometimes but there are ways you can stay close even if you're not always the parent they're staying with. i talk to them almost every night they're gone and sometimes at other times during the day. my ex sometimes takes the "stand" of "the kids aren't mine today so i'm not responsible" and doesn't go to many school things, etc. if it's not "his" day. not a good idea in my opinion. aside from the fact that i miss them, i want them to know that i'm as involved, if not more involved, in their lives than i was before. so many people worry about what happens to kids through the divorce process and then get through that and think all is well and start living their sep. lives. it's the after part where the kids really need to feel grounded. and it doesn't end a week, or two, or a year or two after the papers are signed. it's do-able and it's possible for all to come through this in one piece. a little dented sometimes, but everyone, the kids, you, and your ex will all find a pattern that will work for you. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 4, 2005 Author Share Posted January 4, 2005 We told the kids yesterday morning. I think they will be okay. They didn't say too much (they got a little goofy though like when we told them we were putting the dog down they asked if they could go play now). They are almost 8 and almost 10. We just said that we had problems in our marriage and tried very hard to work them out, but couldn't and decided that it was best to not live together anymore. We said that it wasn't their fault, we loved them, blah blah blah and told them I was moving to a new house in a few weeks and they would live with me part of the time and dad part of the time. We also told them that they would go to the same school and daycare, and that we both would still come to all their activities as much as before. Later in the day I asked them individually how they were feeling about it and if they had been thinking about it. I mentioned that whatever they felt they could talk to us about it, or to their friends or teachers because talking really helps. We told them that they might have lots of different feelings as most kids do when this happens to them. STBX was losing it beforehand so I told him he had to get it all out because he can't do that in front of the kids, so he was able to keep his emotions under control. Me, well I have no emotions and I hear myself say the words and I don't feel anything. Thanks again everyone. I'm excited about my move and showed the kids the house (from the outside). I have cooled it with the OM at least for another few weeks or so until I'm settled in. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 You might want to check out the book, "Dinosaurs Divorce". It's a common sense explanation of the mechanics of divorce (like where do I live?). It does not really get into the REASONS why parents divorce, and ya know, I think it's probably just as well. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater Thanks again everyone. I'm excited about my move and showed the kids the house (from the outside). I have cooled it with the OM at least for another few weeks or so until I'm settled in. I know (or think?) you havent told STBX about the OM yet....so i assume you have not told kids either. Just curious how you plan on confronting that issue?... I mean its not like you can all of a sudden bring him home and say, this is my "new" BF....cause he aint "new"....at 8 and 10 they will surely know theres more to the story than a new male friend when he spends the night? not trying to be an ass...its just that theres more to YOUR situ than your kids and STBX know about.... You might have to gradully work this OM into the picture.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 7, 2005 Author Share Posted January 7, 2005 STBX does know I was in contact with the OM and we agreed to suspend contact while we were still living in the same house. STBX doesn't know the extent of my relationship with the OM nor does he know that I did see him 3-4 times since. The kids, the ex, the extended families will not know about the OM for a while. He will not be coming over when I have the kids. If he does, it will be to help me with some new construction (ie. building a rec room) and will be introduced as my "friend" but will not be "sleeping over" when I have the kids. He lives an hour away and works alot and travels alot, and this spring he will only be around every second weekend, so the kids will not really get to know him as my BF until summer at the earliest, and only if I feel they are ready. The kids of course are the most important thing right now and always will come first. Even though my relationship with the OM has been going on for a few months, and our feelings for each other are very deep, I feel as though we are beginning anew and need to take things very slowly. I have alot going on, and he knows this, and we have the next 40 years or so to be together, so why rush into anything? And who knows, nothing is guaranteed - I am fully aware that I could end up all alone in this. Thanks for your concerns and I will check out the Dinosaur Divorce book! Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater The kids of course are the most important thing right now and always will come first. EXCELLENT!.....stay focused on yourself and them. If relationship with OM was meant to be....it will progress with time. Link to post Share on other sites
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