Mutual Divorce

[KarlaB]

Hi I am new here and found this forum to seek support for my divorce. Mine might see a bit unusual as we are being very amicable as we have a 7 year old in the mix. He is the one that said he wanted to end things. While at first I was desperate to hang on, I don't think either of us are very happy. He feels I don't allow him to do things he wants to do and when he does I get mad about it. I feel I am walking on eggshells all the time because he takes what I say the wrong way. It's been more of a roommate situation for quite some time. While this is only a few weeks old, we have agreed to sell the house, and have figured out finances. The next step is having a lawyer draft it all up and filed. We have told our 7 year old what is going on and he was sad that we were selling the house. He has a few friends that parents are separated but still very friendly so he could kind of related to that a bit.

 

I don't think my husband really understands what is going to happen. He makes comments like "I can come over and cook for you" (he does our cooking I am not the greatest but I can cook) or "we can still all go out for time to time" so I don't think he realizes that if he can't stand to live with me now what makes him think I will want to do something with him divorced.

 

Now we are still living together until our house sells, again we aren't fighting I am just trying to talk to him as little as possible. So here is a question, when he leaves and has his "my time" how do I get over not knowing what he is doing or when he will be home? My son is very attached to him and asks when will daddy be home. How do I get to the point of I don't care what he does? He has made it clear he is happy about this divorce.

 

Oh my I am so sorry this is so long! I will stop for now.

[Conviction]

Answer to your question....time. Time will allow you to stop worrying what he is doing. If it's time with your son, don't interfere, allow them to enjoy it. Your child needs dad involved.

 

Do you have parenting time orders in place? For the sake of you and dad, it may not be a bad idea to get a parenting plan drafted up.

[KarlaB]

Yes we have a plan set once we are no longer in the same house. Right now we are just trying to exist together and for myself not to become bitter. I would never stop him for seeing out son even if its not a scheduled day.

[Ronni_W]

My son is very attached to him and asks when will daddy be home.

I think...once you are in separate houses, to just tell your son that you no longer know daddy's schedule. Perhaps also there can be set, during-the-week contact so your son will know, "Dad's calling at 6 on Tuesday" or "Texts me before bedtime" or whatever.

 

Possibly he's presently happy about this divorce because of his delusions about "cooking for you" and "family outings" in his future.

 

When you are physically apart, it will be less important to you -- in that his comings-and-goings will not affect or have a direct impact on your day-to-day routine...so the mind will adjust its own expectations (if that makes sense?)...on top of, as Conviction said, time will also help.

 

Hugs and best.

Edited August 5, 2014 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Mr. Lucky]

So here is a question, when he leaves and has his "my time" how do I get over not knowing what he is doing or when he will be home? My son is very attached to him and asks when will daddy be home. How do I get to the point of I don't care what he does?

You'll make the same painful, chaotic and disorienting trip all divorced spouses make as they transition to the new normal. Can't tell you will be better or worse, can only promise it will be different than now.

 

Keep posting. Lots of good feedback here from folks that have made the same difficult journey...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheBladeRunner]

Hi I am new here and found this forum to seek support for my divorce. Mine might see a bit unusual as we are being very amicable as we have a 7 year old in the mix. He is the one that said he wanted to end things. While at first I was desperate to hang on, I don't think either of us are very happy. He feels I don't allow him to do things he wants to do and when he does I get mad about it. I feel I am walking on eggshells all the time because he takes what I say the wrong way. It's been more of a roommate situation for quite some time. While this is only a few weeks old, we have agreed to sell the house, and have figured out finances. The next step is having a lawyer draft it all up and filed. We have told our 7 year old what is going on and he was sad that we were selling the house. He has a few friends that parents are separated but still very friendly so he could kind of related to that a bit.

 

I don't think my husband really understands what is going to happen. He makes comments like "I can come over and cook for you" (he does our cooking I am not the greatest but I can cook) or "we can still all go out for time to time" so I don't think he realizes that if he can't stand to live with me now what makes him think I will want to do something with him divorced.

Now we are still living together until our house sells, again we aren't fighting I am just trying to talk to him as little as possible. So here is a question, when he leaves and has his "my time" how do I get over not knowing what he is doing or when he will be home? My son is very attached to him and asks when will daddy be home. How do I get to the point of I don't care what he does? He has made it clear he is happy about this divorce.

 

Oh my I am so sorry this is so long! I will stop for now.

 

In bold....stay away from that! You are divorcing and although it is amicable like mine was, don't do the above. Establish solid boundaries so YOU can move on with your life. My XW expected the same stuff, and although I did it for awhile, eventually I had to cut it off to establish my own life....without her.

[KarlaB]

Thanks guys for all your responses.. I feel a bit hopeful.

 

BladeRunner- I will establish boundaries. I mean why would I want to "hang" out with him when we are divorced when he didn't want to married? I am letting him live in that delusional world while we still live in the same house.

[Tayken]

Thanks guys for all your responses.. I feel a bit hopeful.

 

BladeRunner- I will establish boundaries. I mean why would I want to "hang" out with him when we are divorced when he didn't want to married? I am letting him live in that delusional world while we still live in the same house.

 

 

I went through 8 months of in-house separation and I can tell you it's not fun at all. It's what I had to do so the ex doesn't build up a status quo which courts use to award access and custody to some parents

 

My advice to anyone....if you have to sleep in the garage to see your kids, do it as it will pay off in the end.

 

I go divorced today (yay). We both worked through out the relationship and had equal parenting duties. She tried to play the "primary caregiver" crap and I called her bluff. I served her and 30 days later she agreed to my claims of 50-50 (always in child's best interest in the absence of any domestic abuse/alcohol/drugs)

 

I can't stand parents that try and use kids as pawn i.e. to spite the other parent because they are splitting up. It's not uncommon for women to always want to keep daughters....boys on the other hand will always want their dad at some point, but some mums fail to see this when the kid is young

 

If the OP wants a drafted parenting agreement that covers everything i.e. holidays, birthdays, summer , xmas etc....let me know and I can bounce it to you to tweak. You want to have all the bases covered

 

For a child younger than 6yrs old...you want to start with a 2-2-3 schedule i.e. mon,tues with one parent, wed,thurs with the other and weekends are alternated. We are now one week on week off because kid is older, and it's less tasking on the kid

[KarlaB]

Tayken... thanks for the advice.. believe it or not that is the schedule we agreed upon. M/T me W/T him and every other weekend. We have separate rooms so that is working out. I am trying to keep as civil as possible. Our son is the main reason we are keeping it civil and are trying to make this work in the same house. I just hope our house sell quickly!!

[whichwayisup]

Did you two ever go to marriage counseling? Try to fix the problems?

 

Anyway, no way should you two 'hang out' and do dinners, have him come cook at your place once the D is final. It'll be way too emotional and hard on you to see him and spend time with him. He wants out, doesn't want to be with you anymore so therefore he loses ALL of you. No friendship, companionship, dinners etc..etc.. only speak to him about your son.. The rest of your life is none of his concern or business.

[Tayken]

Did you two ever go to marriage counseling? Try to fix the problems?

 

Anyway, no way should you two 'hang out' and do dinners, have him come cook at your place once the D is final. It'll be way too emotional and hard on you to see him and spend time with him. He wants out, doesn't want to be with you anymore so therefore he loses ALL of you. No friendship, companionship, dinners etc..etc.. only speak to him about your son.. The rest of your life is none of his concern or business.

 

He probably isn't looking for this either. Our house took 8 months to sell, ex moved out 3 months before the sale and I carried the mortgage, and we split the equity once it sold.

 

I do not call her nor do I text her (unless it's an emergency to do with our child). There is a book that accompanies child, and we write everything that the other needs to know it this book

 

Exchanges happen at school and we don't see each other...it also gives the other parent a chance to speak to the teacher during their parenting time. You want to minimize the drama

 

There is no way in hell I am going to be friends with my ex...I nearly choked when the Judge turned around and asked..."any chance you two will reconcile"?

[Snowflower]

Did you two ever go to marriage counseling? Try to fix the problems?

 

Anyway, no way should you two 'hang out' and do dinners, have him come cook at your place once the D is final. It'll be way too emotional and hard on you to see him and spend time with him. He wants out, doesn't want to be with you anymore so therefore he loses ALL of you. No friendship, companionship, dinners etc..etc.. only speak to him about your son.. The rest of your life is none of his concern or business.

 

I don't know why so many guys think that they can be friends with their ex's after the divorce. My H (when he thought he wanted a divorce-so he could be single and have his freedom) thought that we could still go hang out at our favorite spot every so often. I was like, "yeah, right buddy...you want out, you're out. I'm not going to "hang out" there is no point."

 

It's kind of like the guy who broke up with you in high school but then wanted to still be friends. Haha!

[Tayken]

I don't know why so many guys think that they can be friends with their ex's after the divorce. My H (when he thought he wanted a divorce-so he could be single and have his freedom) thought that we could still go hang out at our favorite spot every so often. I was like, "yeah, right buddy...you want out, you're out. I'm not going to "hang out" there is no point."

 

It's kind of like the guy who broke up with you in high school but then wanted to still be friends. Haha!

 

 

I hate to break it to you, but there are loads of women who say "they are still friends with their ex"...especially when kids are involved. I think they try and do this in order not to come across as high conflict

 

Personally, I don't want anything to do with someone that is still "friends" with their ex. Close that door and move on

[KarlaB]

whichwayisup- I would have loved to gone to counseling but he thinks counseling is a crock of crap and thinks "I" won't change like all the issue are my fault. Once we can get out from under our house and move to separate houses, we will only speak about our son.

 

Snowflower- I agree.. I am letting him think right now that we can be friends but if he doesn't want to live with me and be around me married why in the heck would I want spend time with him divorced? He is living in a delusional world I think.

 

He is going away this weekend to his friend house so I will have the weekend to myself. While that sounds good.. still wonder what he is doing and when will he be back.. I know I have to not worry about that. I was able to get into my therapist last night and she said just pretend he isn't there and go about what you need to do with you and your son. Oh it sounds so easy right?

[oldshirt]

 

I don't think my husband really understands what is going to happen. He makes comments like "I can come over and cook for you" (he does our cooking I am not the greatest but I can cook) or "we can still all go out for time to time" so I don't think he realizes that if he can't stand to live with me now what makes him think I will want to do something with him divorced.

 

 

 

.

 

Occasionally I will run into an old coworker or neighbor or old fishing buddy or even a somewhat distant relative and we will shoot the sht for awhile and then while getting ready to leave they will always say, "let's get together and go ____ or get together for dinner and get caught up sometime blah blah blah"

 

They may sound somewhat sincere at that exact moment but you know darn well you aren't really going to hear a peep from them again unless you just happen to bump into them at the store again.

 

I think something similar is taking place here. You make it sound like both of you are pretty intent on moving on with the least amount of hostility as possible and I have the feeling he is just saying niceties to keep things from sounding bitter. I don't think he really has any true intent to show up with a couple bags of groceries and actually cooking you dinner. I think him saying that is actually him trying to keep the hatchet burried and offering an olive branch of sorts.

 

Just smile, nod your head and say that sounds nice. I don't think you really need to waste a single moment or a single breath worrying about it. I have the feeling once he's out, neither one of you are going to lift a finger to cook any dinners together or go out and hang out together.

 

.....now he may show up at your house in the middle of the night with a case of Bud light and a hard on in his pants some time but that is a whole other issue.

[oldshirt]

 

 

So here is a question, when he leaves and has his "my time" how do I get over not knowing what he is doing or when he will be home? My son is very attached to him and asks when will daddy be home. How do I get to the point of I don't care what he does?

 

 

You will always have a certain amount of human concern for your child's father.

 

But you will stop actually caring about what he is doing once you are doing something interesting yourself.

[Tayken]

You will always have a certain amount of human concern for your child's father.

 

But you will stop actually caring about what he is doing once you are doing something interesting yourself.

 

 

Exactly.....how about going for a run, gym or the library to preoccupy yourself with something?

[KarlaB]

oldshirt--- I think you are correct. We are both intent on moving on from this because it just hasn't worked for years, we have been married 15 years. Since we both live in the same house I am sure he is saying what he needs to because otherwise he knows I will be horrid to live with. Even if he thinks he is going to do those things, he will be sadly mistaken when I say no.

[GoBlue]

Just as you have drawn up plans together about what you are doing with the house and your finances, so to plans need to be made about custody and visitation. Have you asked him flat out what he wants as far as these issues go with your son? This is one way you can let him know that he will not have instant and open access to his son whenever he decides to see him. I am not suggesting withholding your son from him but making it clear that there is going to be a schedule and visitation will not be random.

 

How do you get over caring about what your husband does? Well, first you have to accept that he is making his own choices and that the health and well-being of his family is not the priority of his life. Hopefully he will learn sooner than later that grown-ups who want to act like irresponsible adolescents miss out on a lot of good things. Time will help the process as long as you actively pursue your own health by accepting things as they are not how you wish they were. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[KarlaB]

Thanks GoBlue.. We have thought about it and have made arrangements at who will have our son and when once we are no longer living together. With that said, he has made off the cuff comments to our son that if he wants Daddy to come over an play just call him. I told him don't promise things.

 

I agree the situation is what it is right? So I have to accept it and move on for myself (which is easier said than done!)

[Ronni_W]

With that said, he has made off the cuff comments to our son that if he wants Daddy to come over an play just call him.

That can blow-up in all sorts of nasty ways...not the least of which, son calls and "daddy's too busy to come" or you end up in the "bad cop" role just because you're sane and have healthy boundaries.

 

To my mind, if you're around when he does this with your son, you might want to just gently (to your son), "Well...we'll have to see because we really don't know our future schedules and things right now."

 

Yes, you are right...the "moving on" part can get all kinds of tricky and icky...BUT...you know where to find us when you need extra friends

 

Hugs.

[ashleyjohn]

I agree with TheBladeRunner. I think you should discuss with your husband

about how things would be between you guys post divorce. There is no need to hang out with him as it will do no good to any of you while your husband would clearly have moved on..

[KarlaB]

Thanks guys for all your advice. Right now the situation is so awkward at the house and my tension and anger is rising. Today our house goes on the market (please pray is sells quickly) and I have asked him move out if these next 2 weeks don't get better with both of us in the house. Since we already know what days we will have custody of our son, I suggested we start that now. On the days I would have him he could leave and go do something, anything, and I could do the same on the days he would have them. He says he does prefer to leave but financially we can't afford 2 places. We do have a place that is furnished and is semi-cheap and not horrible that rents month to month so he isn't stuck for a year. I am really trying not to be angry at him for the sake of our son. I mentioned to him last night that I am mad and of course he is like "I Have done nothing wrong" to which I responded "Well you are throwing 15 years of marriage down the toilet in a flash without working on it and I have the right to be mad about it. I can't change your mind so you are getting what you want" Maybe here is someone else I don't know, he isn't gone a whole lot so I don't know. I know for me I am tired of living on eggshells and always wondering when he leaves what he is doing and when he will be back so it might be best if he moves out so it's not so in my face.

 

Thanks for letting me rant this morning!

[PegNosePete]

Did you see a lawyer to get advice about your financial split? You say you've come to an agreement but how do you know you can't get a better deal? It's almost always worth seeing a lawyer because many will do a free initial consultation, so there's really nothing to lose. Depending on the facts and figures, selling the house may be a very bad move for you. Once it's sold it's sold and may be too late to go back.

 

You can ask him to move out or to make himself scarce on certain nights, but he has every right to say "no" if he wants. It is his home as well, after all. You can't kick him out, he has a right to live there just as much as you do.

Edited August 8, 2014 by PegNosePete

[KarlaB]

PegNosePete- There is no resolution to this marriage so there really is no going back. I am waiting yet to talk to a lawyer. I am hoping they get back in touch for me soon. You are right, we do have it worked out but I am sure if the lawyer thinks I can get a better deal then we will go that route. the bad thing for him is that is already assumed 20K of our debt in his name only now. I feel bad because here was no way I could afford to take on half of that. I just want to make sure child support is high enough. My son is all I really care about now.