Not sure if I should leave

[ReallyConfident]

I'm 34, my wife is 30. We've been married 7 years and we have a 4 yr old daughter. After years of romantic decline caused partly by her depression and anger we had a couple of bad fights over the course of 2 months and she told me she wanted a divorce. Up until that moment I'd been contemplating divorce too. Her dumping me immediately changed all that, I realized how much I wanted to be with her forever and grow old together. I got clingy and needy and remorseful, etc. Well, I eventually regained my dignity somewhat after reading guides on how to save a marriage. Now I strive to look confident and happy when she's home and look like I enjoy sleeping on the couch. We've been talking about an in residence separation, partially because I think she likes having me be with our daughter full time while she goes to work and college and occasionally goes out with friends. I spend all my days inside moping and reading sites devoted to people trying to save their marriage when one partner wants out. I had been thinking I would try to get out more and meet people, especially girls to give the impression that I was moving on with my life. Now I'm thinking I should move home, across the country, until I can get on my feet and do NC with the wife except to talk to my daughter.

 

Let me be clear, my main goal is to save my marriage, I want to take the course of action that will yield the highest probability of that happening, even if the odds are slim. Regaining my confidence and dignity are bonuses. What should I do?

[trippi1432]

Welcome to LS....I guess I would start on her romantic decline caused by her depression and anger...why was she depressed and angry? Takes two people to make a marriage..typically what you find is that one has been carrying it for a while and the other person doesn't "wake up" until they are done. There's a lot of info here on LS....so what did you do that failed that makes you want to move on?

Edited April 30, 2014 by trippi1432

[ReallyConfident]

She has struggled with depression as long as I've known her and has always had an explosive temper. Postpartum depression amplified everything by 1000, though. She was constantly weepy or furious and I tried to help and be supportive at first, but I lacked the maturity and knowledge to deal with that kind of environment. I withdrew into myself and turned down all her sexual advances for months. I refused marriage counseling and often thought about divorce.

 

Now she is the one who refuses counseling and is insistent on a divorce. I've been going along with her. Trying to be supportive of her feelings and agreeing with her just to get past the anger and that's worked, we've had pleasant conversations the past week. I'm hoping that as I continue to do everything her way and outwardly make plans to move out and get my own life, to play the part of a confident man who is getting his own life that she'll change her mind and want to work it out. I've been reading about no contact recently, though. People who like no contact say that I'm just making it easier on her. That she gets all the benefits of working on her career and future and going out with friends while I'm on child duty and that she gets to come home to a pleasant and supportive husband. Maybe I should leave so she can see right now what life as a single mother is like. Maybe she'll miss me. I just don't know what to do.

[headspins]

Although its always a risk to put your heart out there I firmly believe that if you are still in love its worth it. Even if it gets broken. Its better to know then to wonder what if?? I think that your moving back home might be just the thing to do. Particularly since theres no willingness on her part. Thats been made clear. You can only wait for so long&not be on the backburner so to speak.

 

 

 

I've come to learn that there are people that do that. I'm not gonna be sexist, and say onlywomen. It's my belief tthat's what happened to me while my stbx enjoyed being single. I was miserable. Shes very social&loves going out. I am a homeboy&not too social particularly when it comes to "artificial" conversation, or trying to meet other women. Anyways, I think you should be up front with her though. Tell her you just can't live like this anymore. You're movibg back home. See what she says&go from there. If she becomes upset, angry&says fine leave! I would be willing to bet that she still has feelings for you. Anger covers up the true emotion, but stubborness is so present&its a shame. To swallow your pride&put your heart out there is priceless. I did&i am paying for it. @ least i know though.

[Arieswoman]

RC,

You said,

 

I withdrew into myself and turned down all her sexual advances for months. I refused marriage counseling and often thought about divorce.

so you shouldn't be surprised at this

 

Now she is the one who refuses counseling and is insistent on a divorce.

I have a horrible feeling that your ship has sailed but I would urge you to talk to your wife about what you both want to do about the situation.

The main priority in this situation should be your children and this is what you both should be focusing on right now.

 

I am a firm believer that it is better for children to come from a broken home than live in one, but you both need to sit down and decide what is best for them.

 

Good Luck.

[trippi1432]

She has struggled with depression as long as I've known her and has always had an explosive temper. Postpartum depression amplified everything by 1000, though. She was constantly weepy or furious and I tried to help and be supportive at first, but I lacked the maturity and knowledge to deal with that kind of environment. I withdrew into myself and turned down all her sexual advances for months. I refused marriage counseling and often thought about divorce.

 

Now she is the one who refuses counseling and is insistent on a divorce. I've been going along with her. Trying to be supportive of her feelings and agreeing with her just to get past the anger and that's worked, we've had pleasant conversations the past week. I'm hoping that as I continue to do everything her way and outwardly make plans to move out and get my own life, to play the part of a confident man who is getting his own life that she'll change her mind and want to work it out. I've been reading about no contact recently, though. People who like no contact say that I'm just making it easier on her. That she gets all the benefits of working on her career and future and going out with friends while I'm on child duty and that she gets to come home to a pleasant and supportive husband. Maybe I should leave so she can see right now what life as a single mother is like. Maybe she'll miss me. I just don't know what to do.

 

Maybe she will and maybe she won't.....Personally, the 180 is not about getting any one back to the marriage.....it's about getting on with your life and leaving the marriage behind.

 

From your posts, there is a lot of anger on both sides it sounds.....and I'm thinking that both of you are trying to CONTROL each other, when in reality neither of you control anything. You both really need to try marriage counseling....reading the 180 and no contact guidelines on here when you both have one foot out the door is only going to get you divorced. Both of those guidelines are for when you are done or when you have left or been left.

 

It's does take two people to make a marriage, but a marriage should not be tit for tat, reading between the lines of your posts....sounds like there was a lot of tit for tat.....was there ever anything good about your marriage or has she always been a shrew?

[RonaldS]

My XW struggled with depression and anger as well....along with insecurity, low self-esteem and self-efficacy. That always ended up manifesting itself as abuse toward me. Then the post-partum amped it way up.

 

Like you, I ended up shutting down and giving up. Like you, I eventually had those feelings of wanting to make it work, wanting to grow old together. I made a promise to her and wanted to keep it.

 

We ended up divorced anyway, and with the benefit of time and space, I am beyond happy that we did. We just weren't a good match, and I was just setting myself up to go through the rest of my life as a punching bag.

 

Now, I'm not saying that's what is best for you. A separation is probably best, and you need to focus on yourself, your faults and flaws and how they affect her, getting your crap together, etc. But the key is, she needs to do the same thing. In my experience, that won't happen. It will just always be your fault in her eyes.

 

But, try it anyway...if for no other reason than your daughter. Show her you tried.