back to being the husband I knew after divorce almost final

[nightsky1]

We were married ten years. 1 child from previous relationship. No kids between my husband and I. The last couple years have been hell. It's like my husband was going through a mid life crisis in his mid 30s.

 

We moved to a new state and for a new position in his company. I wasn't working and he was making great money. We had plans to move back to where we were living (not either of our hometowns) and buy a house and have a baby when this 3 year assignment ended for his job. Long story short he basically turned his back on our marriage. He started going out drinking with friends, ignoring me and being a complete jerk to me, very verbally abusive and pushing me away. He kept telling me he was done with me, didnt want to be married anymore and wanted a divorce.

 

I got a job making pretty good money from which I will be able to support my daughter and I with on our own. I will need to budget but that's ok. He filed for divorce in Jan. I was finally served in March. Meanwhile I am working hard and saving money to get on my feet while we still live together barely talking but being cordial to each other. I am trying to move on and get in the mindset of divorcing and accept what's happening. I was so devastated and upset for so many months but acceptance came and honestly he was being a total jerk so it was easy to be mad at him and not want him around.

 

Finally we have to talk about our plans of moving out and sorting stuff out. He tells me he is quitting his job and going back to his home state over a thousand miles away and going to be getting his cdl and drive with his friend from high school supposedly making very good money.

 

So here we are about a month away from him leaving and never seeing him again and he is acting like the husband I knew from before this mess started a couple years ago. He is being very affectionate and loving. He offers to cook me dinner, having the house cleaned when I get home and taking out the trash (he stopped doing all this a couple years ago). He told me he will send me money and help me out. He is constantly telling me how much he cares about me and tells me this is so hard for him and how much he will miss me.

 

Then why file for divorce? I don't get it. Why would he start acting like this now? I'm not going to lie I am still madly in love with him and always will be I think. This is really making it so hard knowing I have to say goodbye in a few weeks. I don't know how I am supposed to act. It's hard to ignore him when he is really trying and I know by acting like the husband/wife we were is just setting myself up for so much pain in a few weeks. I am such a mess.

[Grumpybutfun]

Has he expressed that he wants a reconciliation and that he has done wrong to you? Has he explained why he did what he did and that he loves you above all else and wants to go to therapy to reinvest and repair your relationship? Has he morally and emotionally taken responsibility for his actions and felt the tremendous grief and pain you have due to his own actions?

If not, he isn't the same man he was when you were happy and is just starting to feel guilty and therefore is doing things to ease his conscience. This is about his guilt for being a douche, not about loving and being respectful to you. Don't get caught up in wishful thinking at this stage. It will only hurt your plans to move on and start over.

Best,

Grumps

[Yarrow]

I second grumps' comment.

[No Limit]

A future he knows nothing about is waiting right at the front door. He's scared. I wouldn't give it too much attention, just let him work for his guilt though. If he wants to carry trash around, he can have it.

[The Like Fairy]

This is a bit unusual as far as stories around here go. The sooner he leaves the better. Sounds like mind games to me. Poor lady. Hang in there and move on, the sooner the better.

[lmyya]

A good friend who is a divorce attorney once told me that there is a stage at the beginning of most his clients' divorces, where they get very concerned for each other. He says that that stage goes away. I agree that it is very likely your ex feels guilt and fear. Those emotions would be so normal in this scenario, it would be bizarre if someone did not feel them. But guilt and fear are not the same thing as being a committed life partner. I don't think you'd want a marriage based on guilt and fear anyway, even if it could last. From where I stand, moving on is the better choice here. But you might decide to get counseling together instead.

 

Whatever you do, KEEP YOUR JOB unless you find a more lucrative one. It's awesome that you got one. Do NOT get into a position where you are dependent on him, no matter how much you love him. A good man would totally support his wife having a good job (and maybe he does). Your child benefits too, not only from the example, but also because you likely feel a little less trapped if you at least have a job, and that will show. Best of luck to you.