Going round in circles

[Digger1968]

I'm a newbie to the forum so I'm sorry for diving right on in here.

 

 

So, this is me. Second time marriage (married for 15 years previously, divorced amicably and remain good friends). Married for 6 years now to second hubby but not going very well and hasn't been for a few years. Lots of reasons - possessiveness (his first wife had an affair); difficulties with his ex using his kids as every possible weapon against him, even though she had the affair, not him; His kids picking up on this and now becoming expert manipulators (aged 18 and 12); Him never really understanding my relationship with my ex - he is still a good friend and father of my children and him being a bit resentful if we attend parents evenings etc together. Rings me constantly, texts constantly, basically I am suffocated by him. There are lots more reasons, too many to go into, but it's not working, and I think it's past the point of recovering the relationship. Lots of things have taken their toll and I'm tired of the arguing and sulking. My daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend and my two boys who live with me really don't like him - their relationship now is also beyond repair and it's painful to see.

 

 

I don't know where to go from here. I have told him that I feel the relationship is too badly damaged. He won't agree to divorce. I can't even really afford a divorce at the moment. He won't move out. (He moved in with me. My name on mortgage although I know that doesn't make a difference). He doesn't really think it's over - he thinks I say these things when I'm in a mood, but if I talk to him calmly he still says the same things. He doesn't want a divorce etc. He loves me etc (yet when he's in a rage he can call me every nasty name under the sun...fat, lazy, bad mother, bad wife, throwing back every deed he's ever done, every meal he's ever cooked etc). Next minute he's wanting a cuddle and telling me he loves me and is only saying this because he is angry. That's not the kind of love I'm looking for.

 

 

I can't move out. If I do he won't pay the mortgage (and I have nowhere to go). If I don't pay the mortgage I'll be blacklisted and won't even pass a credit check for private rent. Our local council waiting list puts me 7 years down the line as I have a home so am classed as "wanting", not needing or urgent.

 

 

So, he won't agree to a divorce. He won't move out. I can't afford to move out.

 

 

I'm still paying off some debts incurred when he divorced and had an operation or two and was off work for a while, so money's been tight for a while and will continue to be tight for another year or so.

 

 

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do? I had a mortgage payment break when he had his first operation. I haven't approached the mortgage company since about the predicament as I don't even know if they can help me. Mortgage payments are being met. He won't agree to sell as he is still deluded enough to think that we'll be okay. So agreeable house sale is not an option. There's not a lot of equity in the house to warrant making it worth his while financially - he too has nowhere to go with no money to go anywhere, so I do understand his reluctance to leave or sell etc.

 

 

I just feel like every day I'm going round in circles wondering how the heck I get out of this marriage with minimal disruption to my two boys who lives with me, and without making myself destitute.

 

 

I sought legal advice a few years ago and she told me then that if I was considering divorce to do it sooner as each year he's entitled to more. Believe me if I could walk away from my mortgage I'd let him have the house and I'd walk away without a penny, but he said he couldn't afford it and wouldn't get the mortgage anyway....so not much of a lifeline there either.

 

 

Any bits of advice, anything at all would be most welcome because every day I'm fighting with myself and just coming out black and blue....(

[Tayla]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that you have had to endure such antics. Curious how you said if you move he wont pay the mortgage, yet then you say neither one of you can pay the mortgage. Marriage counseling is definitely not an option since it sounds like you've washed your hands of the marriage vows. Is there no free legal aide in your area? You'd be one of the rare cases if you can get a divorce without the family members not absorbing the repercussions of this life changing decision.

[Digger1968]

Hi Tayla, thanks for replying.

 

 

I didn't make myself very clear with the mortgage (trying to get it on paper and rambling a bit).

 

 

The mortgage is in my name only. I was already living in the house when we met and when we married we never changed it into joint names. We both work. What I really mean is that if I move out, he won't continue to pay the mortgage as he has never really been that bothered about being late with any of his own payments. If he gets a letter from his bank saying that a payment has bounced, he shrugs his shoulders. I on the other hand would have been losing sleep over it. This is why we reverted back to single accounts - he was dragging me down with his overspending in the joint account.

 

 

So I know that if I move out, and leave him to pay the mortgage if he remained in the house he wouldn't do it...why would he? He never worried about his own bills. If he doesn't pay the mortgage into the mortgage account, it's me who'll bear the brunt of credit blacklisting, not him I would imagine.

 

 

It's not a question of either of us not being able to pay the mortgage - it's simply the fact that I couldn't afford to keep paying the mortgage AND paying private rent if I moved out. So basically that's why I'm staying put. He wouldn't pay if I left him in the house, and I don't want to be blacklisted credit wise so am reluctant to move out.

 

 

Neither of us qualify for Legal Aid - we both work and fall above the earning threshold for that.

 

 

Marriage counselling is useless for someone like me who has been so badly emotionally troubled by what's happened in the marriage - it's useless for him as he will not accept any responsibility for the breakdown - he blames everyone but himself. I know it takes two, and I am now emotionally shut down. We tried marriage counselling several years ago, but I found that when we got home he was incredibly resentful about what was said in these meetings, the arguments were just fuelled so I couldn't really be honest.

 

 

The irony is, that divorce in our case would make his children happy - they have despised me from day one because they saw me as being the one who would have stopped their mum and dad getting back together - even though there was no chance of that in the first place.

 

 

My children would be happy - my daughter would happily come to visit and my two boys who live with me would relax......friends would actually visit me because they find him so unwelcoming that they just don't.

 

 

We don't have ties in terms of children - but he just won't accept that it's over, or leave - but knows that it's not as easy for me to leave least of all because of uprooting the children. I've lived in this house for 25 years almost - he's lived here for 6.

 

 

I think I know that the only option is for me to get out, have the house repossessed because I can't afford to pay mortgage and rent, but it galls me to do that because I've fought to hard to make sure everything is paid on time and I care about my credit - it's what keeps me from getting another roof over my head.

 

 

Just feel like I'm stuck.....

[Steen719]

If the house in just in your name, why can't you try to sell it? He can't just say he doesn't want a divorce and keep you married to him. I would put the house on the market, start divorce proceedings.

 

or

 

Can't you go to an attorney and ask how to get him out of the house with a divorce? If the house isn't his name, can you pay him something to compensate for part of it? I could see if it was in both names, you couldn't do this. Can you refinance and pay him some?

 

I don't know your laws, but I think I would see an attorney to see what you could do before doing what you are saying you will have to do.

 

Good luck.

[lmyya]

I think he's bluffing.

 

Nonetheless, ask a lawyer whether you can have a divorce agreement that stipulates that you move out on one condition: If he is late on the mortgage x-number of times, he has to move out, and you move in. If you get that kind of agreement, of course, you don't want to be leasing a place and paying a lease-break fee to move back into your house.

 

Another option is to kick him out. He can't hold you hostage in your own house. Not wanting a divorce is one thing, but you cannot just enslave your spouse. I'm sure other stubborn spouses have tried pulling such stunts, and there must be a legal answer to it.

 

I have also been told by an experienced divorce attorney that you'd be surprised how many unemployed spouses suddenly find work when they are absolutely forced to. The same might apply to your husband seeming unable to keep on top of the mortgage. I bet if you are able to completely, convincingly leave him to his own devices, he'll pay the mortgage rather than get evicted and blacklisted himself. But that only works if he knows he can't make you feel responsible for him. If he thinks he can use children or your fear of being blacklisted to blackmail you, then he may continue bluffing.

 

But you know, all my suggestions involve asking an attorney a couple of specific questions. Not all lawyers are equally knowledgeable; shop around if need be. I am sorry you have to live with such a stubborn and unfair man. I hope you cherish your freedom and psychological health all the more, when you are free from this (and you will be). Good luck.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, I'm just really sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I really feel for you, because things have gone thoroughly sour, all the good options are gone and you have to pick from the sh*tty ones.

 

You have my sincere sympathies, and apologies for not being more constructive.

[Tayla]

Digger , thank you for expanding upon the situation. It sheds light and makes things more comprehensible. Not a fan of divorce yet in your case, I would suggest starting the proceedings. This isn't about asking him to leave, its about maintaining a household that you worked hard to provide. The UK courts are different yet the scenario runs the same, follow the legal proceedings and protect your assets. Stay strong, you seem fair minded in wanting to be civil in this matter.