Separated 6 months and drowning in sorrow. What to do?

[b52srock]

After eighteen years of marriage, my husband decided he needed to move out. Have been separated for nearly six months, and am drowning in despair. While we had the problems that most marriages have, money, small arguements, etc., things were not all that bad. Yes there was one instance of infidelity on both our parts, but we had even worked through those. We were finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel financially, our children were growing into thoughtful, talented, considerate teens, and everything seemed to be going well for us.

 

I believe the problem began when he took a new job which required a lot of travel. I held things together at home (as I always have), paying bills, caring for the children and our home while working full time. He was on the road, making good money, but had a lot of time to himself. And that's where I believe things started falling apart. Not that I think he was unfaithful while on the road, but I think he had too much time alone. Began over-thinking everything. Seemingly small matters were suddenly blown completely out of proportion in his mind, while I sat at home, not knowing that anything was even remotely wrong.

 

He came home one afternoon and dropped the bomb that he was thinking about moving out. Completely took me by surprise, but looking back on things, I should have seen it coming long before it did. The not saying "I love you" when he'd hang up the phone, saying that he didn't call the night before because he'd gotten back to the hotel after ten o'clock (which in his line of work would not be unreasonable), not letting me know where he would be on the various business trips other than to say such and such state or area in general, no specifics. Half the time I didn't even know what hotel he was staying at. And then he began staying out on the road for two weeks at a time.

 

Well, to make a long story even longer, we've been separated nearly six months. At first he agreed to see a marriage counsellor. That lasted a total of two sessions, one together and one separate. We rarely talk. When he does come over to the house he makes sure the kids are there, and if he happens to come at a time when they aren't there, he suddenly has something to do at the office, and won't get into discussions about our relationship or what we're going to do unless I pin him down.

 

Basically, I'm tired of crying. In my heart I'm not ready to give up on him yet, but he can't even tell me why he felt he needed to move out in the first place. Living in limbo is taking its toll on me. I've continued to see the counsellor, and the suggestion was to put an end date on things. To give him a specific date when we would re-evaluate our situation and make some decisions. I chose our anniversary in six weeks. In that time we are supposed to talk at least twice a week about our relationship.

 

Have I done the right thing? Am I cutting my own throat, so to speak? Should I just accept its over?

[LolaLopez]

I feel so badly for you. I know how you feel b/c our marriage has been on the rocks before. But it sounds as if he has gone the extra step. Not telling you important info about his trips? What if there was an emergency? It sounds as if that was a red flag...he had already distanced himself.

 

I know you don't think this, and maybe you are right, but it does sound to me like an affair might be possible. This no info thing just seems too strange. That is no marriage. It sounds like you were both living seperately already in a way. What does he say when you tell him you still want the marriage?

 

I know it seems scary to move on, but it seems as if you are/were not totally connected to him either. What is a good marriage to you? No money problems? Good kids? No. It is more than that. It is a trusting connection, loving consideration, intimate sharing, even if it does involve arguments now and again. Did you have that? Be honest. Do you think it is still possible to have passion and meaning in your relationship once again? Life is too short for just staying married b/c it is peaceful or easy. You know what I mean?

--Lola

[feelinghopeful]

Don't give up just yet. My situation is somewhat similar to yours. I have been separated for 9 months, just as I was about to throw in the towel, he has started to come around, that was about 6 weeks ago. Since then we are back in counseling (both together & separate) & we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Things are definetly getting better and I am hopeful. I don't know ultimately how things are going to work out, but I have definetly noticed a change in him. Limbo is the worst, I understand the pain you are going thru. You need to tell him you can't stay in this limbo hell much longer, he either wants to try to work on it or move on... It is impossible to try to be supportive to your spouse, when you have no idea what's going on with them. It sounds like a midlife crisis, which is such a confusing, gut wrenching time for men. I wish you much luck, I hope it works for you!!

[b52srock]

In reply, yes, we had passion. Long weekends away, just the two of us, close, mutual friends, the same wants and needs in life. However, over the past couple of years he's become more and more distant, wanting to do things that he knew I had no interest in. I don't ski, he'd take the kids, not a problem. Then he decided he wanted to start working out. No big deal, but after really trying, the only thing I was losing was sleep and stopped getting up at the crack of dawn to go with him.

 

I truly think a lot of this is a mid-life crisis. The working out, the "doing his own thing", partying a little more than he used to, and not really caring whether I was there or not. Not easy to deal with, but I chalked it up to our changing lives, maturing, etc., and didn't really worry about it too much.

 

Now I wish I'd stood up for myself more often.