Seperation with a child involved

[jnr123]

Hello,

 

Three months ago my girlfriend packed her case and left with our 2 year old daughter. Despite my head telling me we don't really have a chance of reconciling, my heart has told me otherwise. That was until Sunday when I was told by my ex, with my daughter in her arms, that she wishes I wasn't her father...it has literally broke me.

 

My ex fell pregnant 3 months after we met. I'm now 33, she is 29. I'm 'setup' with a career and flat etc. so from the start I've known that I can support us and a family - we moved into my flat and the 9m of pregnancy was a great time. The labour was a horrible and traumatic experience for us both. Fortunately all the wrongdoings on the part of the hospital were forgotten as our gorgeous baby was healthy. The doctor who effectively saved my ex's life (as she had a form of a fit directly after birth, which was deemed to be extremely dangerous) advised that we both attend 8 weeks of counselling due to the trauma but my ex didn't want to do this.

 

I believe she suffered from post natal depression but my concerns in recent times have been greeted offensively with 'it's sick that you think i'm depressed', 'you're trying to control me', 'you're manipulating my thoughts' and other similar responses. Over the 2 years, things got gradually worse.

 

I work hard and often long hours to earn a good wage (which despite it giving us everything that we need and want, I ended up somehow being criticised for). I've supported our family 110% - 15% of my weekly wage went directly into my ex's account from before our daughter was born, I paid for everything, we put our daughter into nursery 2 days a week so that my ex could go to the gym. On an emotional level, I'm so pleased that I have an amazing bond with my daughter despite my ex literally blanking out the rest of her life for her (she stopped going out, stopped socialising, lost confidence, didn't want to go to work etc.) and me feeling that whatever I did wasn't 'right' - silly things like the way I bathed her, the way I dressed her, what I dressed her in etc. etc.

 

Since she left me, I guess that because I've retained the hope that we'd reconcile, aside from continuing the weekly payment, I've continued to pay her car insurance, tax, phone bill, I gave her the car I bought for her and because I was blackmailed with 'if you don't give me the deposit + first months rent' your daughter won't have a place to live, I gave her just short of £2000 to cover that. All in all, it's in excess of £6000 in 3 months - she racked up a £250 phone bill in one of the months and her car is now apparently off the road, yet she is happy for me to continue to pay the insurance. As stupid as I know I am for doing all this, I've done it because money isn't everything and, as I've said, I'd retained some hope of us working it out.

 

I'm told I said nasty things to hurt my ex, I'm told I didn't love her, I'm told I manipulated her thoughts and feelings. Personally, I don't see this - we weren't getting on too well but from the day our daughter was born, our relationship gradually became more difficult, I stopped socialising with my friends, I stopped working weekends. I have to admit that because I felt like I wasn't getting anything back (and she admits that it did become mainly mother-baby) in return for me trying to be the perfect partner and father, I began to resent her for being difficult and, most of all, for turning my concerns about her mindset into a story of me controlling/manipulating her. Despite this I gave my ex the security that I'd never split us up and that I'd always support us by working hard. The day my ex left, I didn't feel that I could ask her back because I truly felt like some time to herself would do her some good.

 

My biggest issue is that every time I've planned to see my daughter, my ex has made it difficult. She moved 300 miles away - she knew that I've wanted (and we planned) to stay in what was our home to be near to my ill godfather, who sadly passed away a couple of weeks ago after a relatively short time suffering with cancer. Early on, there was threats of solicitors from her but these were alleviated when I asked her what she was actually fighting for - still now, I don't think she knows as I've explained to her repeatedly that all I want is to see my baby in my own home and what was her home for more than half of her life. We agreed that I'd see my baby every other weekend and so I adjusted my work plans (I commute 250 miles twice a month to spend 3 days in the office and so I would tie it in with picking my daughter up - my ex refused to meet half way despite me offering to pay the fuel), to fit in with such a schedule. Each visit has thrown up problems - mainly to do with the fact my ex thinks that there should be a period of 'settling in time' into their new surroundings and that it's not good for our daughter to travel with me to my home every other weekend...this is despite the fact she absolutely loves the car, loves stopping at the services to add to her toy collection, loves arriving here, loves everything we do together, loves to visit family locally (which she will remember from being born!).

 

Am I being unreasonable to ask that this continues? When I say that I believe my ex is being unreasonable and difficult herself, of course, it makes matters worse (leading to anger, threats of non-contact etc.). She claims she 'doesn't stop me from seeing our daugther whenever I want' but I tell her that seeing my daughter and staying in a hotel locally to her isn't quality time for either of us - being at my home/our home is where I want to be, naturally (I feel it's our daughters right to spend time with me at home given all of her belongings, her bed, her room etc. have not moved one bit and most of all, my ex was the one that walked out on me!). Earlier this week my ex broke down and said that because she'd been with her through the pregnancy and with her 24/7 it's so hard to leave her. I really believe that she doesn't want her to spend time with me because she can't cope. I've tried asking her this but, inevitably, I got a negative response. We have had some occassional good times since we broke up where we've started talking and getting on but on the whole it's been horrible and it's at the point that we can be talking nicely then if I ask about seeing our daughter or try to make arrangements it ends up with trouble.

 

I'm really suffering badly, I'd appreciate any ounce of advice that anyone has to offer (if you've managed to read this far then thank-you - I can't believe I've wrote so much!). I don't know what to do, where to turn and most of all, it goes without saying I miss my beautiful baby so much it hurts to the point that tears are falling down my face as I type. I look at her smiling like she does none-stop, care-free and I can't help feeling like she's missing out on so much. I'd honestly do anything to make it right for me and my ex but as I've had to admit to myself since recently, it's not right to stay together only for our daughter.

 

What's helped me through the last few months is to talk to people who have been through similar breakups. I hope to hear some of your thoughts and experiences although I hope no-one ever finds themselves in such a situation.

[Tiberius]

You are so nice you could be her mom. But women dont want moms they want hard men. Do you think pimps get their women to take it in the butt and dole oit the cash afterwards by being soft and smushy?

[jnr123]

You are so nice you could be her mom. But women dont want moms they want hard men. Do you think pimps get their women to take it in the butt and dole oit the cash afterwards by being soft and smushy?

 

I know what you're saying...probably explains a lot of the reasons why I'm in this position but when someone is depressed with a lot of issues and when there'a little one involved and you come from a loving family, it's hard not to give it your all.

 

One thing i've learned from all this is that you can't plan your life.

[juicygirl]

Oh lord one thing I've learn from breaking up with children is there are three sides to every story, yours, hers and then the truth.

 

I'm not saying you're not a nice guy for doing all you've done, but maybe there are things you've done or say that made her feel the way she does. As for post natal depression who knows, nowadays if a woman is any kind of moody after having a baby she's labelled with PND?

Welcome to the baby bomb, first baby's change the dynamic of your relationship a hell of a lot and for couples who hardly knows each other it's not a great idea to have a baby. Also that could be playing a part on her feelings too, maybe she realised you guys rush in to things too soon and you although nice are not the guy for her.

 

Anyway, it is really hard for a mother to let go of her baby/toddler to go visit dad, but it gets better in time. Maybe you need to work on the trust with your ex because she clearly has trust issues with you and maybe why she won't let baby out of her sigh too. She could be fearing you'll run off with baby or use the baby to control or manipulate the situation to your advantage(not saying you will but could be how she's feeling if she's already said you made her feel bad etc.)

 

Work on spending time with baby together to show your ex you can handle little alone and after sometime offer to take baby to the park so she can take a nap or do errands etc come back with baby on time and in one piece and she'll hopefully start trusting you more if after a month she's still saying no go to a lawyer. It might actually help to have a contract written up on the times and days etc. Your ex will be pissed at first, but later will see the benefits for the child. Don't go in with a crazy list of demands like wanting to take baby away for a month or alternative weeks etc start of slow .As frustrating as it is time is the only healer here

[jnr123]

It's nice to hear a female point of view. I agree and appreciate there are of course two/three sides to the story. I didn't realise that not being the one for each other and not getting on was a crime, but it's certainly been made to feel like one. It's amazing, we barely argued, we never had issues of trust, we each worked hard for the family, yet I'm told that a handful of things said are the reason we're in this position...although despite pleading I've never been told precisely what. We went on nice holidays together, we had anything we wanted, we were in love - her saying that 3 years of her life have been all negative is proof to me that we're never going to see eye-to-eye.

 

The post natal depression thing - well the birth was horrific and counselling was turned down yet even now my ex talks about the birth as if she is still living with the trauma. We talked about depression a lot when we were together and we've talked since we split. When everything is calm, it's accepted that it could be a factor. One of the biggest symptoms is denial - I can't understand why my concern is seen as being offensive...if it wasn't an issue, then a simple 'no, it's defintely not post natal depression, don't be silly' would suffice but my ex has said enough to tell me that it is a contributing factor. That said, I believe the issues are much more deep rooted through things like loss of independance, loss of control, feeling controlled by me regarding finances/not having her own finances.

 

The baby boom I relate to well! We both appreciate it has been hard. We both know we met too early - all that is fine, but I don't understand why my daughter is now being used against me...well, I suppose I partially understand as I believe it's because of a seperation anxiety, but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

According to my ex, it's nothing to do with trust - it's never really been discussed in that context, she says that she knows how happy the baby is to spend time with me and every time I've seen her in the last 3 months, although it has caused difficulties, I have seen her. She's said many times since we split that she loves to see our baby spending father/daughter time and misses those moments - her problem/issue that she says baby will be unsettled but it only becomes a problem when we don't see eye-to-eye and it's never triggered by anything other than me discussing seeing my daughter. It looks like we might go for mediation but although I would have been 'allowed' to see my baby this weekend, I'm now not allowed to see her next weekend or any longer until after mediation runs its course. There's no logic to what is going on and I'm worried now that because of the lack of consistency in her thoughts and because I have no control over the future for my daughter whilst she is in this state, it's going to start having a detrimental effect - perhaps it already is.

 

I've told her that all I want now is to see my daughter in my own home, where she lived for 14 months and where she loves to be. All of her family here miss her so much and I know that she will miss being with them too - she is the happiest little girl when she's here and if she wasn't I simply wouldn't want to bring her here.

 

I've said many times that I'd never take her from her mother - I know how much my daughter loves her mother and me both and so taking her away from her mother would be detrimental to her. I do not wish to turn my daughter against her mother - I want to spend time with her and talk good about the situation, then when it is time for her to go back to see my ex we talk about how excited she is to see mummy again...I was fortunate to be brought up by both parents and by a father who didn't have his own father - respect for women was engrained in me.

 

Reluctantly, the next step is to solicitors and to put forward a contact agreement that we can hopefully agree on. I expect mediation might be advised but I understood that the objective of mediation was a view towards achieving a reconcilation and that's apparently not what my ex wants. After this weeks carry on I don't think I want it either - I was already 90% sure it couldn't happen but after being told that she wishes I wasn't my baby's father, there's nothing really more damaging that I can really hear.

[juicygirl]

I think you're next step is the right one unfortunately it happens a lot don't beat yourself up about it, emotions run high when you split with kids and people say and do a lot of horrible things.

 

I know she says she trust you but don't listen to her words look at her actions, she is also a little bit jealous and it's also a reminder that you guys failed. Your daughter will be with you in her old happy life with your family etc and she won't be anymore. Your ex probably doesn't realise it but it's true. Your child won't be unsettled, she's 2. Maybe a bit confused at first but once your daughter adapts to the arrangement she'll be fine, I know because my eldest is 2 and a half. It's more about your ex feeling unstable, it's annoying, but you have to care about ex's well being too as she's the mother of your child and she should be doing the same for you.

 

I know its frustrating because I've been there my ex has bipolar and with any other ex you can close the door and not give a damn about them anymore but when you have kids together you have to care grr because their well being effect the child.

 

I hope you get a fast result, fingers crossed.