looking4_hope Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Leading to my departure, we were fighting a lot. There was a time when our fighting stopped and it looked like we were moving forward but every time something came up our arguments would go from 0-60 in less than 30 seconds. He would constantly tell me to leave and go back home. There was a time i had left and stayed at a hotel for a couple of days and my mom spoke to him. I noticed that when my mom speaks to him his temper calms down and he listens more. Well, i checked out of the hotel, i came home and he was asking if i was going home.. i had asked him.. "would u want me to come back?" and he says.. "yes". a couple of days later I felt we were getting into it again and i just told him "you're just going to tell me to go home!" and he hugged me and reassured me he wouldn't say that anymore. A week later we get into a fight again and i told him that i just needed to go a hotel and he tells me "if you leave, don't ever come back." I got so tired of the up and downs that i packed my things and bought a ticket home. I left my husband 2 months ago.... and during the first month he would initiate the text msgs. He would never ask me about our marriage or what was going to happen instead it was about the dogs, bills, car. I didn't initiate contact because i didn't want to argue with him anymore. I felt like every time i tried to talk to H he'd just shut me out until HE wanted to listen or comfort me. He would msg me telling me that he was sending my vehicle, sending my household things, dogs, i was so hurt but i accepted it. Well a month into the separation he starts asking me about the status of our marriage. I was stunned that he'd even ask since he was the one that was constantly telling me to leave. He knew i didn't want to a divorce because he would even tell me during our arguments "you're not going to leave because you're too stubborn to get a divorce!" Now that i left he wants to know if we were just going to dissolve the marriage. I didn't know how to answer so i asked him and he told me that he thinks i should just do my "own thing already" and says that maybe i have "found peace" being home. I was hurt reading this so i just replied "ok..just do what you want" he replies asking "so is this how it goes, i'm just going to dictate what happens?" and i told him how it seems like it's always been that way because if i had a say he'd be here with me or we'd be going to counseling.He didn't want to hear it. Then he tells me how he felt about moving forward, how it hurts him but he doesn't know what to do and he feels counseling just isn't going to work, and at the end adds that he doesn't want to force me to get a divorce so asked my opinion on what WE should do. I told him we should go to a counselor but he said he didnt' want to go, he says that a counselor can not fix the problems anymore. i felt defeated once again. For once i thought we would have some dialogue about how to fix our marriage because he asked me but i just got shut down. I asked him to tell me what the right answer was and he said he didn't know and if i found out to let him know because he wants to know too. I read his msg to my counselor and she told me that he doesn't want a divorce but thinks his pride and ego are interfering.. she suggested reaching out to him so i did. I came home that day and told him how if he wanted to talk he can call me and that we shouldn't rush the decision of divorce if we're both angry and hurt. He didn't reply. A couple of days later, I get a random text from him asking me if i had a boyfriend yet. I didn't reply back. I have not found anyone, because i value my marriage and i could never hurt my husband like that but i just didn't want to start an argument again.. an argument that would have end in him shutting me out. The next day i get a msg that he's going to be sending my vehicle and since then i have not heard from him. I don't know what to do. I love my husband i want to work it out with him but i just really don't know what to do. The fact that we're not talking hurts me because i just feel so hopeless. Since i've been home i've been working on myself and trying to focus on me but it's just really hard. People say he'll notice those changes! but how when i'm in a totally different state?!?! and we don't talk!?!? I think my husband has passive aggressive tendencies. I read that reaching out to him can push him further away because i'd seem "desperate". I thought i was doing the right thing but now i just feel like i pushed him away and i totally messed up my chance to work out. i dont' know what's right anymore. Any advice?? Was i wrong to do the NC? Why ask me what i wanted to do when he told me not to come back, then ask if i had a boyfriend?? i'm so confused! I want to fly back and try and fix this but he will probably just tell me don't come home. Did anyone who initiated NC get the same response yet their husbands/wife came back anyway? How long did it take?? I feel so abandoned. I miss him.
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