Losing the best thing that ever happened to me... And I think its my fault

[ParetoPrinciple]

My wife and I have been arguing more and more lately. We have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We married young. We have 3 children. TOday she told me that she cares deeply for me, that I am her best friend, that she loves me, but she needs her space and wants to separate. She tells me that I have been controlling her for the past 10 years. She is leaving tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago she said that she needed some space and so I gave it to her. Now she says that made her sad because I did not fight for her and she feels like my love is hollow and my words are scripted. Maybe I am just a horrible person. IN the meantime I am sick that we are at this point. I want her to be happy, and our kids to be happy....

 

Sorry for the rant, not really coherent right now.

[Techie Artist]

My wife and I have been arguing more and more lately. We have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We married young. We have 3 children. TOday she told me that she cares deeply for me, that I am her best friend, that she loves me, but she needs her space and wants to separate. She tells me that I have been controlling her for the past 10 years. She is leaving tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago she said that she needed some space and so I gave it to her. Now she says that made her sad because I did not fight for her and she feels like my love is hollow and my words are scripted. Maybe I am just a horrible person. IN the meantime I am sick that we are at this point. I want her to be happy, and our kids to be happy....

 

Sorry for the rant, not really coherent right now.

 

You were coherent, PP. Sounds like a mid-life crisis, feminine style. What are the triggers of your arguments? Needing space is good for three things:

 

1. Clearing one's head and heart of some influence

2. Making preparations for a new life

3. Making space for an affair or life with another person

 

If she said your words are hollow and scripted, she doesn't like the way you communicate with her. There is a lack of trust. It's also curious to say of a "best friend" that you "love" and all. Jus' sayin'. I'm not sure I take her at her word. Is there opportunity for her to be having an affair? Cuz you're getting the "beat it, buster...I got another" treatment.

 

Sorry you're in such pain.

 

TA

[ParetoPrinciple]

Thanks TA. She admitted to me today that she has been "talking" to someone online. She said that she is sad because she is not getting the connection from me. She is bringing up issues from the past 10 years that I had no idea were bothering her. I do give her credit, if she has been that miserable for this long and I did not notice then I dont blame her. She says I have narsissitic personality disorder... I dont know. My friend who is a psych. said that the mere fact that I am worried about having it means I do not... I am so confused and so upset... I told her I want her to be happy and I want to fix things. She says that I only want to fix it for me... Not for her or the kids.

[Techie Artist]

Sounds like she has found a "safe place" for an emotional affair. We women have a helluva time leaving a man if there is no other embrace to hold us. I have lots of girlfriends, and almost every single one of them who have broken up and/or divorced was either seeing another dude or was financially independent without kids.

 

That's too bad. Things went too far for too long, and so she has turned to another. It probably won't become much, but it's enough to allow her to leave. I am kind of like her. I'm leaving my H after 9 years because we have grown apart and I can't see a future with him. Once I got to that realization, I knew that an open marriage or a D were the only options. I can't think of how an open marriage would solve anything, so D is my path.

 

If you think she wants you to fight for her, you should. She could be testing you. Set up marriage counseling and invite her to the appointment. If she shows, you have a chance. If she won't go, you should lawyer up.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

She's having an emotional affair at least.

 

She is rewriting marital history.

 

She's not thinking clearly right now.

 

You need to do what the previous posters said. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor AND see an attorney. You need to know your rights with the children.

 

Are you ok financially with two households or is she taking the kids to live with the OM?

 

Give her the book, "Not just friends"

 

I don't think you sound NPD , but never hurts to have some IC.

 

Sorry, best of luck to you.

[Yasuandio]

My wife and I have been arguing more and more lately. We have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We married young. We have 3 children. TOday she told me that she cares deeply for me, that I am her best friend, that she loves me, but she needs her space and wants to separate. She tells me that I have been controlling her for the past 10 years. She is leaving tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago she said that she needed some space and so I gave it to her. Now she says that made her sad because I did not fight for her and she feels like my love is hollow and my words are scripted. Maybe I am just a horrible person. IN the meantime I am sick that we are at this point. I want her to be happy, and our kids to be happy....

 

Sorry for the rant, not really coherent right now.

 

I am about to give u the best resource known to mankind for your issue. Google Homer McDonald along with the word "interviews." There you will find 5 free taped interviews with this author of Stop Your Divorce, and a good amount of free reading material. It is all there - free. His book is very expensive, however, it is worth the every penny. But you don't need the book if you listen to what I just told you to do.

 

Listen to those tapes ten times each. Then you will get it. Read the 180's. I have been posting all day on a new thread. You can find the 180's there on the first post. I tell you -- your problem is textbook, you will find your complete answer with this author. All you have to do is just get it in your head.

 

His book is very expensive, though, it is worth every cent. But you don't need it if you just do what I am advising you. Yas

Edited July 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[ParetoPrinciple]

She left to be with her mother today and took two of the boys. I stumbled upon her conversations with this guy via text and email... They are already telling eachother that they love each other... She says she just needs time to think... What the heck. She does not even know this guy from Adam... And he is more than twice her age. I am so devastated! She says to me that she did not want this to happen but that because she felt lonely she sought attention elsewhere... That is an emotional affair! She says I drove her away because I was not giving her what she needed... I needed physical intimacy which I was getting sparingly and I never NEVER cheated physically.

[whatintheworld]

She left to be with her mother today and took two of the boys. I stumbled upon her conversations with this guy via text and email... They are already telling eachother that they love each other... She says she just needs time to think... What the heck. She does not even know this guy from Adam... And he is more than twice her age. I am so devastated! She says to me that she did not want this to happen but that because she felt lonely she sought attention elsewhere... That is an emotional affair! She says I drove her away because I was not giving her what she needed... I needed physical intimacy which I was getting sparingly and I never NEVER cheated physically.

 

Sorry about the affair but it's good that you know. Things will make more sense now. Prepare for a lot of justifying something that's not justifiable.

[Techie Artist]

She left to be with her mother today and took two of the boys. I stumbled upon her conversations with this guy via text and email... They are already telling eachother that they love each other... She says she just needs time to think... What the heck. She does not even know this guy from Adam... And he is more than twice her age. I am so devastated! She says to me that she did not want this to happen but that because she felt lonely she sought attention elsewhere... That is an emotional affair! She says I drove her away because I was not giving her what she needed... I needed physical intimacy which I was getting sparingly and I never NEVER cheated physically.

 

sorry that I was right about the affair. Glad you found out. Now you know. Be strong.

 

TA

[loyalwife]

Sorry that things got to this point.

My husband is a loving husband and a good guy in his own way but he is also a know it all, a control freak, the most arrogant and patronising man I have ever met. But I stick to him for almost a dozen years now because I know no one is perfect and he listens when I say 'Nope that's not the way to talk to me, let's try again in a nicer tone of voice. Repeat after me'. LOL

More reasons why I stay:

He never lay a hand on me, hard working, successful, helps with the kids, cooks and cleans when he has time. Makes my breakfast. Brings me coffee in bed every morning for 12 years:). Looks after the kids when I go hangout with my lady friends. He is an early person which means, he feeds the kids breakfast every morning and together we get the kids ready for school.

If your wife gives you a chance try doing what my husband does. Also encourage her to point out when ever she notices your controlling behaviour so that you can try to change.

No matter how controlling a guy is if you are as involved as my husband in helping the wife and raising the kids it is just TOO DARN hard to even think about leaving. Hopefully she will change her mind and come back to you as soon as she meets her mysterious date. Most of the time, people on the internet are very different once you meet them in real life.