Making husband accept divorce

[pbj123]

Hello, I've been reading lots of threads on here for awhile, but decided to post and see what feedback advice I can get for my personal situation. My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years, married for 6. We met when I was 18, he was 19 and married when I was barely 20 and 7 months pregnant.

 

We have had a lot of issues in our marriage, most of which has been pushed to the side and ignored, and as a result, I have a lot of resentment towards my husband. He has never been able to accept responsibility for anything he has said or done wrong and I stupidly used to apologize even when I wasn't at fault, just to end an argument.

 

There was a time about 2 years ago where things were particularly bad and I suggested marriage counseling. He laughed in my face and made me feel like an idiot for even considering it.

 

We have a 6 yr old daughter and a 2 yr old son. I have been a stay at home mom since our first child was born. He has nagged me for years to put the kids in daycare and get a job.

 

I honestly have thought about leaving him more times than I can count, but never had the courage as I didn't think I could support two kids alone financially. I'm finally at a point where I will do whatever it takes, I just want out. I do not consider him abusive, but there has been a couple instances in the past where things did get a little violent. He has a bad temper, but that has been fairly under control the last couple of years.

 

I have been having these serious feelings of wanting to leave for the past 3 months or so. I have told my family and my best friend. I was waiting to talk to him about it until I actually had a place lined up to live and a job. But as I have been pushing him away, he has become very clingy and needy and finally I broke down and told I was thinking about ending our marriage and that I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. He wants 1 reason why I have come to this conclusion and I have told him that it's many things, over many years that have led me to feel this way. Also the fact that I feel we married way too young and for the wrong reasons. I want to be independent and live my life and I just want out. He has been crying non stop for the past 4 days and wants to talk about it several times a day. We literally have the exact same conversation over and over again and if I refuse to keep repeating myself, he cries even harder. He says he will help out more with the kids and the house and be there for me and that I'm ruining his life by doing this to him. That he will never find anyone else that he loves like he loves me. He is making me feel incredibly bad and guilty and I do care about him, but I'm just done. I feel like it's too little, too late and it angers me that it takes me getting to this point for him to try and step it up and care. He also said he would now be willing to do marriage counseling, although I'm not sure if he's serious and I'm not sure that I even want to at this point. I have completely emotionally shut down. I am just ready for it to be over and I don't think marriage counseling will get us anywhere, unless maybe just to help him accept the fact that it's over for me.

 

As I don't currently have a job (but am looking), or a place to go, I am stuck living here with him for awhile. I want this to be as amicable as possible, but I cannot deal with him following me around and crying and guilt tripping me every 5 mins. He particularly likes to do this late at night, right before bed, and then neither of us get any sleep. I should also point out that we haven't slept in the same bed or room since I was pregnant with our first child, mostly due to his snoring and constant tossing and turning. But I also have zero desire to have sex with him and the thought of it actually repulses me.

 

He refuses to accept this. He will come to me and say that he knows I still love him and I must just be depressed or something and this isn't how I should deal with it, by pushing him away. That I was regret it if I leave him, that he can't even let his mind go there, to think that we would not be together. He says I'm the love of his life and he cannot live without me. When he says these things, I feel bad, but it doesn't change the fact that I am done. How can I make him understand in the most gentle way that this is really it for me? If we must live under the same roof for a little while, I need this to stop. I cannot keep having the same conversation over and over. And quite honestly, as cold as it sounds, all his crying and clinginess is pushing me away further. It just makes me want to avoid him all together.

 

I want this divorce to go as smoothly as possible. I'm not going to fight him for anything, he can have the house (we rent and I know I cannot afford it), he can have most of the furniture. I just want my computer and 1 vehicle. I know the kids will be with me 6 days a week, as he works, but he can have them on his days off, vacations, etc. I want him in their lives as much as possible. In my state we have to be separated for 1 year before we can divorce, but I believe that separation can start even while you're living together, as long as you're not living together as husband and wife.

 

I guess I just need some advice on how to make him get this and accept this. He is absolutely broken hearted and distraught and I do feel bad, but I do not love him like I should anymore and my mind is made up.

[Yasuandio]

There is nothing you can do to "make" him accept anything. This is a case of a guy pushing the woman too far -- and now, like you said, it is "too little, too late." Say nothing to give him any reason to devise hope in his mnd. People in this desparate state are seeking any thread of hope they can cling to, even if it is a figment of their imagination.

 

He can cry, beg, plead, attempt tp manipulate with guilt -- but it is useless. Go ahead and get this separation formally on record. Have you considered moving in with family for now to get yourself away from the hystionics?

[pbj123]

I have considered moving in with family, however my family kind of has a unique living situation. My parents live with my grandmother who they moved in with to care for as she is in her nineties. My aunt has also moved in to the house after her marriage fell apart several years ago. My brother also lives there. My kids have a bedroom there for when they have sleep overs and such, but I would not have a room and I would really like to avoid moving in there as there is just really no space. I know they would let me if I got into a bad situation and had no choice or things got violent, but for the time being I feel that my kids and I are safe and other than just needing to get away from his constant guilt trip, I would like to stay here as long as possible until I can figure out a more feasible living situation for the kids and myself.

 

I guess the main problem is that when I rattle off reasons that led me to wanting a divorce, he doesn't understand why I would take it that far when these problems could be so "easily" fixed. My problem is that he didn't care about fixing them until I got to the point of wanting to leave. He doesn't understand that it's too late and it's so hard for me to just go into the other room and ignore him when he's crying his heart out because I do care about him. Is there anything I can do or say to make him realize that crying and begging isn't going to change things? I cannot keep doing this.

 

I do believe he loves me and he says that he never even had an idea that I was thinking about leaving him. I find this hard to believe. Apparently he thought he could just treat me however he saw fit and not put any effort into our marriage for years and that I would just always be ok with it. And now he can't understand why I won't give him a chance to change. I've been trying to communicate to him for years that I needed certain things to change and he wasn't interested then. When I finally give up, now he's interested in being a better husband/father. I think he's just terrified to be alone. He doesn't know how to do anything, like write a check or pay a bill. He has no family here, but lots of friends. I have the opposite, family, but no friends. I know he will be ok without me, he just doesn't see it. Is this something that will get easier with time for him, or is he likely to continue trying to make me work things out until I actually move out?

[trippi1432]

Sigh...I wish that they would pin the 180 to the top of this forum. If anyone comes across it or if you can find it pbj123, it's something you need to print off and give to your husband. It will help him man-up, gain back his self-respect and get to acceptance that this is just a bump in the road of his life.

 

Simple is as simple as it can, there is no need in holding on to someone who doesn't love you anymore....he'll come to understand that in time.

 

Sorry your family is going through this...hard on everyone, but you'll get through too.

 

Good luck.

[elfman]

Hello, I am sorry to hear you got pushed this far. I can relate to your story, as I too pushed my wife too far for a bit, and then she pushed herself the rest of the way toward divorce. We were married young too, and have 2 kids too. I will try to give you an insight into his perspective, since, in retrospect, I can easily identify where I went wrong, and if he's anything like me (all men are alike?? :-) ) maybe you can take my advice to avoid some of the uglier things we went through:

 

Your husband may have gotten into a complacent and comfortable spot in your marriage, which is why, most likely, he will keep saying things along the lines of "I didn't know it was this bad", this is due to lack of communication between you, and its not your fault. Men and women talk different languages, whereas a woman gives out clear signals of unhappiness, a man needs to be told what they are most of the time or we're totally clueless.

 

He is currently going through a very baaaaaad wake-up call. I can compare it to something along the lines of feeling nausea 50% of the time, and feeling pissed 50% of the time. You CANNOT discuss ANYTHING with someone who is feeling that way, which is why he's appealing to tears and pleading and begging.

 

I remember, again, in retrospect, that I was more in love with my family than with my wife, and he might be feeling the same, but he doesnt and will not know it until you and him have had a separation.

 

Down here, as there, you have to be separated for 1 year before you can divorce (its called separation of bodies). My first piece of advice to you is DO NOT live together during this time, the reasons:

 

You will more than likely want to be outside the house as much as possible during this time, and he will automatically think you're seeing someone else, and grow jealous and bitter, he will resent you for this. You cannot move forward if you have a constant anchor on your feet pulling you back. Is there any way you can get him to move out? (It is easier for a guy, we dont have to move with the kids). In my case, the first step toward a better life for her, me and my kids was when I moved out (it was hard and I was pissed at her because the house is mine, not hers, but now I see it as the cheapest investment I've made into being completely happy). Ask nicely, or ask badly, he will take it hard in any way you ask.

 

Have you consulted a lawyer? I remember thinking my wife was a total **itch when she hired a lawyer, but in retrospect, I can honestly say that it was the right move for everyone. I spoke to the lawyer and at first I could've sworn I would go to jail for murdering this guy (try to get a female lawyer, guys are more lenient in talking to women, and also, this might sound crazy, but back then I even thought she was screwing the lawyer, which is of course ridiculous, but that was my unstable state of mind), but after a while, it seemed natural and a better way to communicate my wishes in what was now a full-blown divorce. Until she hired a lawyer I kept telling myself I would fix it, and that she was unsure... This will get him to understand how serious you are, and will take off the need to talk to him yourself about separating the estate, which is a good idea since when he's so resentful he will fight you even on the paper napkins you two have.

 

An important piece of the puzzle, perhaps the most important, is for you to understand this: CHILDREN DO NOT BENEFIT FROM THEIR DIVORCING PARENTS LIVING TOGETHER, NOR FROM THEIR PARENTS BEING IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE FOR THEIR SAKE, NOW MATTER HOW YOUNG THEY ARE. So you're not doing your kids any favors by staying married if you dont want to.

 

If you have specific questions for me to answer so you can gain some perspective on what HE is thinking, shoot, I would gladly help you because in the end I'd be helping both of you. When I was divorcing I behaved like a total moron, and it was not on purpose.

 

Hope it gets better before it gets worse. Welcome to LS and good luck.

 

E.

Edited July 7, 2013 by elfman

[pbj123]

Thank you elfman, your insight into a mans perspective is invaluable. I just want for him to be ok. Unfortunately, being that I haven't worked in over 6 years, I have very little money of my own. I have about $400. Clearly not enough to get my own place or live off of. As I said above, moving in with family isn't really an option right now, I feel that moving 3 more people into an already crowded house isn't fair to the rest of my family who live there. Unless of course things got violent, then I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I don't think they will get that way though. I am actually surprised by his reaction. Being that he has always had a temper, I was expecting explosive anger, which actually may have made this whole thing easier. I was not expecting non stop crying, following me around the house, constant texts, begging, pleading, and guilt trips. I cannot handle it anymore. I feel very trapped at this point with having nowhere to go and dealing with his reaction to this. Deep down I think he knows I'm serious, but I think he is going to try everything possible to make me change my mind. He actually came home after work last night, got the kids ready for bed, did a load of laundry, and loaded up the dishwasher. All things he has literally never done. He is trying so hard and that is making this all the more difficult.

 

I have not hired a lawyer yet. I don't have any money to pay a lawyer and since I haven't found a job yet or a place to live, I wasn't sure if I should be doing that now or until I have things figured out. He is really pushing for marriage counseling. I do not feel that it will change my mind, but he feels like if I don't try it then I haven't done everything I can to save the marriage. He keeps asking me why I hate him. I don't hate him. Not even a little bit. I just simply don't care anymore about making this work. And I don't know how to get through to him.

 

 

Also, to answer your question, I do not feel right asking him to move because has no family here. He does have friends, but I don't think they have the space for him and since I'm not working (and even if I was), I wouldn't be able to afford rent in the house we are in currently.

Edited July 7, 2013 by pbj123

[elfman]

I understand, I am sorry your financials are not well enough to start working on this. It makes it a lot easier if you have a lawyer. I am here if you have questions.

 

E.

[trippi1432]

pbj - Yas was nice enough to post the 180. Give this to your husband, not in the hopes of getting you back, but with the understanding of the strength he needs to let you go.

 

As elfman has pointed out, your husband is going through a bad wake up call...if he does these things, he will gain clarity and agree with you. If nothing else, he will gain his self-respect back.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-4-divorce-separation-section

[pbj123]

Thank you so much for posting that link, it was very helpful.

 

I just have a quick question. What can I say to my husband when he asks me why I'm doing this? I have told him that I am just at the end of my rope and it's years of damage that have taken their toll. He says he doesn't buy this and that all of our problems can be fixed and something else must be going on. He then asked me if I am cheating on him or if another guy is trying to "talk" to me. The answer is of course no. I think he has backed off that theory, but he still wants a solid reason why I am doing this and I can't say that I have one. But the questions won't stop until I give him an answer he finds acceptable. Other than not being in the love the way I should be and having resentment for past issues, and just finally reaching my breaking point, I don't have one solid reason for why this is happening now. Nor can I give him a good enough reason of why I don't want to work things out now. I just don't know what to say to get him to realize this is happening and he can't change my mind. How do I get him to stop asking the same questions over and over when I've already answered them numerous times to the best of my ability? I will print the link you gave me and hopefully he will read it, but he is quite stubborn so who knows. I just wish there was one thing I could say and he would accept it for what it is. Even if he still hurts, I just want him to get it.

[elfman]

Thank you so much for posting that link, it was very helpful.

 

I just have a quick question. What can I say to my husband when he asks me why I'm doing this? I have told him that I am just at the end of my rope and it's years of damage that have taken their toll. He says he doesn't buy this and that all of our problems can be fixed and something else must be going on. He then asked me if I am cheating on him or if another guy is trying to "talk" to me. The answer is of course no. I think he has backed off that theory, but he still wants a solid reason why I am doing this and I can't say that I have one. But the questions won't stop until I give him an answer he finds acceptable. Other than not being in the love the way I should be and having resentment for past issues, and just finally reaching my breaking point, I don't have one solid reason for why this is happening now. Nor can I give him a good enough reason of why I don't want to work things out now. I just don't know what to say to get him to realize this is happening and he can't change my mind. How do I get him to stop asking the same questions over and over when I've already answered them numerous times to the best of my ability? I will print the link you gave me and hopefully he will read it, but he is quite stubborn so who knows. I just wish there was one thing I could say and he would accept it for what it is. Even if he still hurts, I just want him to get it.

 

I think ANY answer you give him at this point will not satisfy him. The best you can do is tell him "I am not happy, and I have a right to be, and you are not happy, and you have a right to be". Other than that, it'll simply never be a good-enough answer... which is why living together is a pain in the ass during this time.

 

E.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you so much for posting that link, it was very helpful.

 

I just have a quick question. What can I say to my husband when he asks me why I'm doing this? I have told him that I am just at the end of my rope and it's years of damage that have taken their toll. He says he doesn't buy this and that all of our problems can be fixed and something else must be going on. He then asked me if I am cheating on him or if another guy is trying to "talk" to me. The answer is of course no. I think he has backed off that theory, but he still wants a solid reason why I am doing this and I can't say that I have one. But the questions won't stop until I give him an answer he finds acceptable. Other than not being in the love the way I should be and having resentment for past issues, and just finally reaching my breaking point, I don't have one solid reason for why this is happening now. Nor can I give him a good enough reason of why I don't want to work things out now. I just don't know what to say to get him to realize this is happening and he can't change my mind. How do I get him to stop asking the same questions over and over when I've already answered them numerous times to the best of my ability? I will print the link you gave me and hopefully he will read it, but he is quite stubborn so who knows. I just wish there was one thing I could say and he would accept it for what it is. Even if he still hurts, I just want him to get it.

 

When your husband didn't act right, and you had questions, what was his response? In your first post, I think you mentioned you were pushed to the side, ignored, and even laughed at. Right?

 

Your response has always been the habit to apologize. You could continue to follow suit. For instance, you could say:

 

1. I regret that the marriage has not worked out.

 

2. I am sorry that I no longer want to be married to you.

 

3. I apologize that I have not been able to get through to you in the last #__ number of years. I have done my very best, but have failed.

 

4. I am sorry - but it is to late.

 

5. I am very very sorry that I have lost faith in our marriage. I take full responsibility for my decision to disengage myself from our marital agreement.

 

Or, you can try some of his methods -- such as no response, ignoring. I know you wouldn't be so mean as to laugh, of course, and I certainly do not recommend that. Now, sometimes, as a person withdraws from a relationship - the rejected party may esculate in their begging, pleading, demands, and guilt trips. I can also offer a good "come-back responses that worked well for me to end unproductive conversations and button-pushing. No matter what he says, try responding with:

 

"Believe what you want to believe."

 

The trick is not to get engaged in any discussion now that your mind is made up. Discussion only gives your husband the idea you are willing to have a discussion about the matter - that fact can lead him to a false impression that there might be hope when there is not.

 

Hope this helps, Yas