A Question for Divorced Men who were cheated on and left by their wives

[Mollyanna]

He was with her for 14 years. (married 9 of it.) They have children together. He was happy and thought they had a wonderful marriage. He never saw it coming..She met someone and kicked him out. The new guy moved in the next day. He lost everything - his family, his home, his ability to love... Do you think he can ever get that ability to love back???

 

It has been a year and a half since it happened. He only dated one other girl before he met me. I was his first serious relationship since his wife. But he got scared. He says he isn't ready. So right before he was supposed to meet my parents, he broke up with me. Yet we still spend a couple of times a week together and often it looks like we will get back together. Then everytime we start getting really close again, he starts acting weird. When I question it, he then "breaks up with me" all over again. Yet he says we never know what may happen between us later. And when I try to stay away from him, he brings me back... even gets jealous if he hears I was on a date.

 

His best friend's wife says I should give up hope, that he will NEVER be ready for anyone else. My problem is - I LOVE HIM - much more than I have ever loved anyone.

 

QUESTION: Do you think it is possible for him to ever fall in love again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[strungout]

Sure, but it is up to him to take the first step and move past that time in his life, He has tried so don't take offense in him breaking up with you. If you stand by him through the tough situations and he still goes off and meets other girls I can almost guarantee he will come back to you.

[cnred]

Yes, mollyanna I do think it will be possible for him to love again... HOWEVER! He was very hurt in his last marriage. (Obviously, you get that.) My theory here is he probably felt very powerless, betrayed and maybe... just maybe? A little vengeful. Now whether he means to or not I think this is manifesting itself in ya'lls relationship... thru this... powerplay thing he's doing. On/again Off/again,etc.... My gut says you are probably very warm and openhearted and showed nothing but full support when he talked about his past. That's all fine and dandy, but that's no reason to take it out on you. (Bare with me here...) I get the feeling he feels very secure in his relationship with you - the opposite of what you think, or else he wouldn't keep doing this. He is, because he can. He knows you love him and he seems to make you prove it again and again by picking you up, putting you down, then IMPLYING that hey... It MIGHT lead somewhere.... Guess you'll just have to wait and see. He's still to hurt and gun-shy to know for sure. Unh-uh. Sorry if I sound pushy but I've seen it before. You seem like a very genuine person and that should not be lost on anyone! you may love him but maybe the timing still isn't right. He was married a very long time... I also get the impression that he's a bit older than you? That's typical, too if it's true. Just don't let him use you or take advantage. Tell him you know he went through a lot, but what's done is done. You're ready for a future. If he can't committ and u dont think that's cool- walk. Don't let him build himself, or ego, back up at your expense! Good luck!

[scottskerik1973]

You bet, if he chooses to. I was exactly in his shoes. I was (still am) in love with my wife. After being married for ten years and going through a divorce then falling in love with a wonderful women. I also thought she was perfect. The perfect family, house, kids, and life. Then it all went away, just as fast or even faster than i could comprehend. I was left broken hearted and moving in with my mom. She was with her new man. My thoughts would change daily. One day i would say date somebody else (to help get over her) the next I would say no relationships until I get over being hurt. This time of my life was confusing to me and I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing to this girl I was dating/seeing/using/whatever you call it. I eventually realized what I wanted was what I lost. When my phone rang and she asked to reunit our family I dumped the girl I was dating.

The moral to the story is be careful. you are in a dangerous place. You love him and thats great(for you and him), but dont hate the guy if he eventually figures out what he wants is what he lost. Also dont put yourself in a predictament that you allow somebody to use you or make you feel used. Like I said its a dangerous place. You just have to ask yourself if the gamble is worth it. Best of luck.

Try express yourself and concerns to him and give him the opportunity to find out what he wants(if you can wait).

[soccorsilly]

Based on my experience only, the answer is probably yes, but probably not with you. Regardless of the time since separation, you are his rebound love. He is still hurting and getting over his marriage and you are a wonderful help in that but do not hold your breath.

 

I was married for 10 yrs. She cheated. I threw her out. W e have a few kids and we get along better now then before since we agreed that we could not change what had happened or the way we felt, but we could go forward with our kids in the front of our minds.

 

There was a specific point in time--the point of no return, where I KNEW that it would never be salvaged. After she moved out of the house, I began to date and she was a wonderful woman going through a divorce herself with some great kids. We got along great, traveled to some great places, had great sex, BUT when it started to look as if it were turning into a lifetime relationship, I freaked. I broke it off. We were both hurt. After a while (maybe three months) we reconcilled and that lasted a month. I just was not ready for the relationship to be where she wanted it to be. Not her fault and not mine.

 

I dated casually for about a year and a friend fixed me up with a friend of hers and we have been together almost a year. It is wonderful, and I can truthfully say that there might be a future. I think a man coming off of that type of split, needs to be able to assert some authority over his relationships since he had none with his past. Right or wrong--just my opinion. Once that authority is asserted (on you I am sorry to say) his sense of self worth will be repaired and he can move on. Of course there will have been more time to heal the wounds as well.

[CurlyIam]

Mollyanna,

 

I know it is never easy to say this, but maybe giving it up will do you a lot of good.

 

When a man wants a woman he goes after her. He won't let her get away. He'll fight for her. this is the kind of man every woman should heve near her, a man who want HER, is sure of this, of his feelings... Of course, in return the woman should be worth the trouble and appreciate this.

 

Baby, this man doesn't know wheather he's coming or going. Let someone else heal him and take care of him. You find yourself someone to love and to love you back...

 

The sooner you leave, the sooner you'll start healing and the sooner the chance to meet your special man. Cry, shout, yeal, but leave... we're here for you!

 

Bon courage!

[Mollyanna]

I have been reading everyone's responses and now I even more confused. You'all sound like the conflicting voices in my head.

 

One minute I do tell myself - "I deserve a man who will chase after me not just when someone else is interested and he gets jealous"

 

The next minute I tell myself - "I should be patient. He IS worth waiting for. He is a beautiful person - the kindest, sweetest, funniest, and an incredible father.

 

I also tell myself I should just enjoy the time we spend together and not try so hard to put the "boyfriend/girlfriend" label on it. But that gives him all the control. I never know how to act because I don't want to scare him away by getting too close. But I know I have been a little pushy.

 

As for your questions, he is only 3 years older than me. We have the same circle of friends so it would be totally impossible not to run into him time and time again. We have tried being just friends - because we ARE such good friends and neither of us have that many people close to us in this town (both only have been here a short time) We need each other. I think we can both see that. But it always evolves into something more. And I'm afraid eventually it will all be "behind closed doors" as in some friends-with-benefits thing, because everyone we know keeps asking us what the heck we are doing!

 

Thank you for your responses. I never expected to hear these stories. It is a sad world where people can't trust love anymore. I wish you all the best.

[CurlyIam]

I confess I am influenced by my state of mind, by what I am going through. So I cannot help. Be sure to do what your heart tells you to. If you have doubts - try to understand why, if you don't, than go for it.

 

Just try not to be tought into this by your friends, family or relatives. I am sure they all mean well, but the road to hell is filled with good intentions - or something like that.

 

Only you can tell wheather he's ready or not. Soccorsilly's story there scared the hell out of me...

[Mollyanna]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

I think a man coming off of that type of split, needs to be able to assert some authority over his relationships since he had none with his past. Right or wrong--just my opinion. Once that authority is asserted (on you I am sorry to say) his sense of self worth will be repaired and he can move on.

 

Soccorsilly: I think you speak greater truther than you know with that statement. X once responded to me that for the first time in his life, he needs to be selfish and think about himself. He doesn't want to hurt me, but he needs to look out for himself first.

 

Everyone: All day I thought about your responses. I really needed that clarity so thank you thank you thank you.

I called him once to talk (i was at the airport trying to fly home) and he was just acting so silly and making me laugh that I didn't want to bring any of this up. However, once my plane landed, I called him - 3 times. (he doesn't have voice mail so I couldn't tell him it was important.) He never called me back again tonight. The only time he does that is when he is running scared again. I so wanted to have this talk tonight and tell him I can't deal with this anymore and I guess to say Goodbye. Now I will have to wait another week because I am going on another trip tomorrow. (busy time for work) And I am NOT doing this conversation on the phone again.

 

But now he will see that I called so many times and he will run even further so this may just end with us not talking at all... not the way I wanted it to go down...

[CurlyIam]

Mollyanna,

 

Take this time to think things through, not to change your mind again and again. SOmetimes I get so angry at myself for not being able to understand my boyfriend's behaviour... but then I realise in fact, I do have all the the pieces of the puzzle. I actually have every bit of information I need.

 

All I need is a clear head and enough objectivity from my part to read the answers I am looking for.

 

Do the same: look at every conversation you two had, every detail he slipped and have the power to look at the as they truly are, not as you want them to be, or hope. This is why in my previous post I said you're the only one knowing the truth, not your friends, because they are not in a relationship with your man.

 

This is a time to have the guts to confront yourself. To face him. To see if he is the man you think he is. I so envy you for your time off!!!! MAke best use of it, Molly! Just don't be afraid to have a good look at yourself and you'll be fine!!

[soccorsilly]

Mollyanna--

 

Not related to your question, but thought you might like my own selfish input to MY life post divorce. I feel it is a healthy mantra for me and perhaps others. If you look at the facts, a marraige did not work for whatever reason. No one wants to fail. Look at the reasons, determine what made you unhappy, and change it.

 

My marraige was devoid of any intimacy for a long time toward the end (all the more surprising since she went out to test the grass on the other side) and it was an important deal to me. There were other area where I felt I compromised (which is what you do naturally) and felt I did not see a return on my compromises.

 

Going forward, I made a mental note that any relationship MUST fit within my imaginary boundary box. I want a woman who is sexual, who understands and knows that my kids are a top priority, that my ex and I speak and have a decent relationship, that my work can be unpredictible and will likely intrude on our time, that being open and honest in ALL areas is paramount to everything, that she be Nicole Kidman's twin (only joking just had to toss it in--Cheers to you Aussies), that she not be jealous as I have several female close friends, and a few other items. Once the parameters are established and we can be a couple within that box--GREAT. Only then is the time to compromise and move out of the box as needed.

 

There are so many people (the old adage many fish in the sea) out there and it may take a while to find him or her. But you will.

 

Recently I have been listening to a talk radio station here in Baltimore and at nights there is a guy called Tom Lycos (sp). He is brutally honest and while full of sh*t at times tends to be on the mark on a lot as well. Similar to Howard Stern--honest as the day is long.

 

Hey, and ona purely selfish note, if you travel so much for biz, give me a call, I am a principal in a Travel Management Firm.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Mollyanna]

Well..last Sunday we finally had that inevitable conversation - except it was worse than I ever imagined. We had been together all day and were on the way to a cookout when I brought up that I was feeling a little odd about his on-again off-again affections. We then "broke up" for 4 1/2 hours. It was horrible. We had both been drinking and it got real ugly. Basically I was begging for answers and he was telling me "We are DONE!" And wouldn't say a whole lot more. I was so frustrated because he put up a wall and wouldn't talk and so basically forced him to say things he didn't want to say. Basically he says he wants someone like his ex-wife and I don't fit that image. He still loves her and would take her back in an instant if she would ask him to.

 

We have talked several times this week - all from me calling him. We had some real heartfelt talks about things from our past and I became this needy, clingy idiot. Even tonight when we talked for almost 2 hours, I professed how hard this is on me but that I still need him as a friend and I begged him to please not desert me. Depression has set in and the last few days have been the worst. Now I think he just talks to me because he feels sorry for me. That isn't exactly what I intended... I want him as so much more than a friend so I should probably cut out all contact, but I can't do it. I really DO need him.

 

I don't know what to do. Don't know how to accept it is over. I refuse to give up on him.

 

How long will it take for him to have feelings for anyone other than her? And how can he possibly still love her after everything she did to him??? (Read the first post of this forum)