jeddarnold Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 We have been married 10 years now with a daughter. Our main issue in our marriage was sex and her being lazy. She cared more about her friends than me. It all started 4 years back, when she lost interest in having sex. She always said no. I was hurt and after that it went down hill. She is also lazy does not want to do anything in house, clean or cook. We are both miserable now and i lost all love for her and affection, I still care for her. I am going back and forth about divorce. On the other hand i would not want to hurt my daughter with the divorce. I would like to have another kid just to give a sibling to my daughter. I know we are done nothing will work now. In the marriage just because of family
Act Two Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 What have you done to try to repair the marriage? Any marriage or individual counseling? Walking away from a family is a BIG deal, as you know. If you are going to divorce, you should walk away knowing you did everything in your power to save your marriage and family. This will give you peace of mind as you raise your daughter. You never know- some of your issues might very well be fixable. Ask your wife if she will go to counseling. If she won't, then go to an IC who will at least help you to make a good decision for you and your family.
jf2good Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Yes get counseling first. If that doesn't work divorce her, don't drag it on. I bet she will blame you and you will be the fall guy. Ignoring the problem won't make it better only worse, her negative behavior is being rewarded right now as if she wasn't married to you and wasn't the mother of your child she would have been replaced long long ago. You can't hide your un-happy relationship from your daughter forever, so the question if if counseling doesn't fix it will waiting make it better.
Mack05 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 We have been married 10 years now with a daughter. Our main issue in our marriage was sex and her being lazy. She cared more about her friends than me. It all started 4 years back, when she lost interest in having sex. She always said no. I was hurt and after that it went down hill. She is also lazy does not want to do anything in house, clean or cook. We are both miserable now and i lost all love for her and affection, I still care for her. I am going back and forth about divorce. On the other hand i would not want to hurt my daughter with the divorce. I would like to have another kid just to give a sibling to my daughter. I know we are done nothing will work now. In the marriage just because of family I agree counselling first. I bet she has a side of the story too. Low self esteem, depression? Who knows. It should never have gotten to this. 10 years and a daughter is a lot to give up. Please do all you can before walking away..
TaraMaiden Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 One:All of the above. Two: Do NOT have a second child in this relationship just to give your daughter a brother/sister. First you need to have sex for that, then a wife who is willing to carry a child for 9/10 months and bring it up. Three: Do not stay in a marriage 'for the sake of the children'. Bad idea. It teaches them dysfunction, lack of respect and doormat behaviour. Better two happy separated parents, than one miserable façade of a marriage. 2
Yasuandio Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I agree counselling first. I bet she has a side of the story too. Low self esteem, depression? Who knows. It should never have gotten to this. 10 years and a daughter is a lot to give up. Please do all you can before walking away.. Yes on all of this. Can you not find a nice, diplomatic way to discuss these matters with your wife before you divorce her or bring up the topic? Do you love her enough to bring one issue to the table, such as her presentation, and in the gentilest way, tell her - "honey, I so miss how you used to do your hair and how you dressed up all nice for me." Some positive feedback like this - it will take time, but she will get the idea. I had a similar issues and depression. Not combing my hair, not dressing. But too, my husband was always extremely hostile to me - and had withdrawn affection already for years. This certainly added to my depression. And I always asked him why he would not be kind and intimate to me. One day he said, in the nastist tone possible, "go, go look at yourself in the mirror." I went and I looked. I was a mess. I had my painting clothes on, cause I had taken down a popcorn ceiling, and I had an old black velvet coat on ontop of my work clothes because it was so cold in the house - he didn't want to run the heat bill up. My face was dusty. That hurt me so much. Maybe I was messy - but I was always fixing and doing messy stuff. I went to bed for three days after that. If only he could have made one nice suggestion like the one I gave you above, I know I would have gotten excited about pleasing him. But no, any comment about where I needed improvent was stated in the most hurtful way possible. Perhaps you can try the method I am suggesting. It takes time. Especially if your wife needs to take off a few pounds. If that is the case, say nothing about the weight, and take her out walking. You know the idea is not to criticize - but to encourage. I hope this helps. At least try it. Yas 1
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